Can coming from a broken home contribute to someone becoming a WS?

[Cookiesandough]

When I say broken home, not just divorced at a young age (but definitely this) but also neglect or abuse. Or the parent cheated but they stayed married? I'm also not talking about revenge affairs.

 

I wish this wasn't the case, but it's almost becoming a rule for me to not get too involved or marry a guy doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .

 

I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs. Just from reading about it and taking surveys. You'd think because the pain it caused they wouldn't do it.

Edited September 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Whoknew30]

No...my parents have been married for 40 years & there's no divorce in my huge family but a lot of WS's.

[Cookiesandough]

No...my parents have been married for 40 years & there's no divorce in my huge family but a lot of WS's.

Thank you.

Sorry I wasn't clear by what I meant by broken homes. Intact families with abuse or infidelity too i count as "broken" though that's technically wrong...

 

It seems to run in families. Like it's almost impossible to find a guy with a dad who cheated on his mother that doesn't cheat in his ltr. You'd think it'd be opposite with the pain it caused but it's like every single one ends up following parents footsteps

[Art_Critic]

My parents were divorced when I was about 6-7, my Dad was a serial cheater and the divorce was the result of having a child out of the marriage.

 

He cheated on my Step Mom and even cheated on his mistresses...

 

But.....

 

I would never cheat, been married over 10 years and this is my second marriage too.. my first marriage was 5 years and ended for other reasons than infidelity.

 

My wife also comes form a divorced broken home, she is built like me.

 

BTW, watching my Dad treat my Mom and Step Mom as well as watching how it affected all 5 of my siblings and myself is the reason I would never cheat, so coming from a home of infidelity has made me cheat proof.

 

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule.. my Grandparents were married close to 70 years and both of their children were divorced and one of those was from them committing infidelity.

 

 

I think if you eliminate guys who have divorced parents you will shrink your dating pool to almost non existent.

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks, guys. I guess the myth has been busted!!! Very glad to hear that

 

Now I wonder if being from a divorced family makes people perhaps more likely to divorce especially if both partners are. Not saying that divorce is always a bad thing at all

 

But I suppose enigma 32 is correct. People can't be pigeonholed that way

Edited September 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Sparta]

I think that would be OK thinking. I’m sure you’re well aware, but nothing could be a guarantee from such unfortunate situation as infidelity. Some people are just broken messes. Coming from good homes and good upbringings.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Sparta

[Woggle]

No. My childhood was the stuff nightmares are made of and I have never cheated in my life.

[Steve51]

Wish I knew what WS means. So many assume that we all know the abbreviations used. I don't.

[5x5]

No not all wayward spouses come from broken homes.

 

My ex-wife cheated on me yet she didn't come from a broken home. In fact she grew up in a comfortable middle class environment in an intact family with almost all of her wants satiated.

 

Being from a divorced family in itself, does not make someone more likely to divorce.

 

I got divorced following ending my marital relationship with my ex-wife following her infidelity, yet my parents have been married (never divorced) for close to 50 years.

 

One of my 1st cousins has been married for circa 20 years thus far, and has never been divorced. Yet his parents got divorced when he was a child.

 

Sometimes divorce is a great thing, maintaining a toxic or indifferent marital relationship does not lend itself to happy families either.

 

To date I have been married to my 2nd wife for 18+ years, through being together for 21+ years.

 

Yet we are together because we want to be together and enjoy each other. If we didn't like being together and didn't enjoy each other, the best thing we could do is to end our marital relationship.

 

In my experience the worst relationships are the ones that require hard work to maintain. While the best ones are the ones that feel like they don't need any work at all to maintain.

[cocorico]

I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs.

 

I think my H’s parents’ D definitely played a role. His parents split when he was about 5, and as the only child at the time, he felt it very keenly. Decades later, when his (nowX)W left him for her OM, his own kids were devastated (though perhaps more because of how it happened - she physically attacked him in front of them, then just walked out and they didn’t know where she’d gone, when she’d be back, etc.). Although he personally was happier than he’d been for decades during the split, his kids struggled because they saw how poorly she was coping (her OM dumped her) and when she begged him to take her back, he felt he had to, for the kids. He remembered his own unhappiness from his parents’ split, and didn’t want to do that to them, in turn.

 

So, when she broke all the promises and conditions of his taking her back, he didn’t feel he could throw her out, because of the trauma experience by the kids during the split. So he reigned himself to staying “until the kids were old enough” to face another split. Of course things got much much worse, and he became vulnerable to having an A, convinced he couldn’t leave the M because he didn’t want to inflict further trauma on the kids.

 

Without his parents’ D, he’d probably have had a healthier approach, and would have handled the first split (with xW) better, getting the kids and himself into counselling immediately, filing for D and removing her from his life as far as possible. With sufficient support, the kids would have gotten over it, and he wouldnt have had to carry that burden of guilt for not wanting to take the xW back when her R with OM imploded. He’d have had no need of an A, as he’d have been single, and could date (or not) as he wanted. Of course he sees all of that now, having had counselling in the meantime, as do the kids. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Chilli]

When I say broken home, not just divorced at a young age (but definitely this) but also neglect or abuse. Or the parent cheated but they stayed married? I'm also not talking about revenge affairs.

 

I wish this wasn't the case, but it's almost becoming a rule for me to not get too involved or marry a guy doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .

 

I hate being so judgmental but it seems people who grow up under these conditions are very likely to have affairs. Just from reading about it and taking surveys. You'd think because the pain it caused they wouldn't do it.

 

Don't worry cookie l look for the same in women, most guys with any sense would.

As far as any divorce part though , 40s somewhere, she's probably gonna be divorced even if her parents are together so then l'd wanna know why and def' if she's ever screwed around too.

And l'd def delve deeper if she gave me the oh , he was abusive line too bc too many women use that these days , too easy.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

What's a WS ?

[elaine567]

What's a WS ?

 

Wandering/wayward spouse.

[Birdies]

No. My AP and I (both WS) have parents who are married 55 and 35 years respectively. No abuse or neglect or anything, either.

 

I will say, I don't think we would have found ourselves in the A if his (now ex) wife hadn't previously cheated on him. That seemed to lower his boundaries.

Edited September 24, 2017 by Birdies

[carhill]

From my self-reported anecdotes over the decades, only one MW reported being from what she described as a healthy home life by the OP's standards. However, she had, not by parental example, her own battle with the bottle which she ultimately lost at a young age, under 50. After nearly 20 years, apparently her H had tired of the behaviors, and especially the boozing, and they divorced. She died a few years later.

 

IMO, as we're all individuals, it's an individual thing. Nature and nurture may play some role, sure, but it comes down to the individual.

 

Myself, any proclivities I may have had came from immersion in it as an adult. Without that peer experience, based solely on nature (genetics) and nurture (parenting and parental example), infidelity was an anathema. My goal was one and done like my parents. Shocker once out there in the real world. Oh, my.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm just asking if it's significantly more likely for a spouse from a divorced family to get divorced themselves vs spouse who didn't. Also wondering how much infidelity of parents impacts child's behavior when married. Also abuse, neglect..

 

I don't see what's wrong with wondering about these things.. I have noticed a pattern for some time now just in my circle and from reading survingInfidelity boards There is a long thread by BS talking about family of origin that does hint to strong correlation. There are also these http://www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/stepfamily.asp

Adults who both come from divorced families are 200% more likely to divorce themselves

SAGE Journals: Your gateway to world-class journal research

These are just those who report their infidelities

Edited September 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cookiesandough]

Oh, and I want to say is the other part that was cut out was that my title was awful. You should never say "all"!So sorry about that and sorry if I offended anyone . Everyone is an individual. Just wondering others@ experiences. Thank you

[William]

Oh, and I want to say is the other part that was cut out was that my title was awful. You should never say "all"!So sorry about that and sorry if I offended anyone . Everyone is an individual. Just wondering others@ experiences. Thank you

 

Moderators note that I took the liberty of clarifying the title after reading this post. ~T

[Chilli]

lt is def' a huge thing and part in WS, not all of it but a huge part. Doesn't mean if we are from a broken family or bad child hood we'll take off but it is def' a huge part of many.

Found out about all that in the divorce forum l was in.

Nearly every WS in there and there were 1,000s , did come from a broken childhood , divorced parents and all kinds of stuff like that.

Make of that what you like but it was def' a huge thing.

They also specialized in MLC in that forum too and nearly all the spouses male or female that MLC'd in their late 30s to 50s , also nearly all came from troubled childhoods or divorced families.

 

lt's a no brainer , we're meant to be raised in a happy solid family unit. That's just the natural foundation and preparation for a kid and for adulthood.

Still doesn't mean we don't go wrong later but it's the best start we can have.

[cocorico]

I'm just asking if it's significantly more likely for a spouse from a divorced family to get divorced themselves vs spouse who didn't.

 

My siblings and I are all D (though I have since remarried). Our parents “stayed together for the kids” but split immediately the youngest had left home. Interestingly, two of us had already D by then. So I’d say D or not, but also whether or not they _should_. It benefits no one to “stay together for the kids”. Either you have a good M, a good family life and provide a good loving home for kids, or you separate and each provide a good loving home for kids, separately. Bring up kids in a do,estic war zone is infinitely worse than D, IME.

[Popsicle]

You can follow whatever rules you want. It's your perogative and your life.

 

Personally, I'd date a divorced man, or a man from a broken home, but not a WS.

[somanymistakes]

How many people can you find who don't have some form of sadness in their childhoods, though? And just as we talk about people rewriting history to make their marriages bad and forget the good, people in some sad circumstances will look back at their pasts and pick out the bad parts that might have somehow led them to where they are. You need a very broad statistical sample and rigorous sampling tools to get accurate data.

 

Also, being more likely to get divorced is a different question than being more likely to cheat. I believe there is solid data showing that kids from divorced families are more likely to divorce, but that does not necessarily mean that they cheat and it does not necessarily mean that those divorces are bad. Knowing that divorce is possible could make it easier to get out of a bad marriage that you need to get out of, where being raised to believe that divorce is always 100% wrong could make people feel more trapped in terrible marriages that they really ought to leave.

 

 

As for personal anecdotes and not meaningful data:

 

My parents divorced, it sucked, and it meant I grew up being afraid to get married because I don't want to be disappointed or to disappoint anyone else. But there was no abuse, no alcoholism, no misery, no neglect, I think we were pretty normal. I'm still a little bitter about it all and kind of estranged from the parent who left.

 

My MM's parents divorced, and it meant he grew up afraid to ever end a relationship, because he doesn't want to abandon anyone so he's always the one who gets dumped, over and over again. Again, no abuse or alcoholism or neglect. And he's very conciliatory towards the parent who left.

 

We have similar circumstances but our reactions to them are very different.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

...doesn't come from long married 2 parent home with no infidelity. I feel like just by doing that, I'll have already divorced and cheat proofed my marriage by 90% .

 

In that case I'm the 10%. My WW's parents have been happily married for nearly 50 years, yet she cheated on me.

 

I would look more towards FOO issues instead of marital status alone. My parent's have been married for 50+ years, yet looking back their model of marriage was not helpful.

[Blanco]

My parents divorced early in my life. Infidelity was not the cause, but it wouldn't shock me if there had been some. I've never cheated, or even come close.

 

If anything, my parents have been good guideposts on what I do and don't want to be.

[knabe]

As much as we would like there to be, there is NO absolute genetic, environmental, social, or relational predictor of infidelity or infidelity. There's just not.