A Complicated Situation

[BrainFryer]

Hi - my first post on here.

My wife and I split up 5 years ago and we are now divorced with all financial details and arrangements for the kids sorted out. Prior to that our relationship had been deteriorating for several years and whilst there were not major arguments, the spark had died and there was no sign of it re-igniting, so I decided to get out. Around the time of it heading downwards, I met another woman who I fell in love with and spent some time with and wanted to be with. Unfortunately my wife found out about this and it became the 'straw that broke the camel's back' and was the ultimate reason I left.

Due to the stresses of breaking up and some additional problems, that Lady and I also parted our ways around that time and I have been on my own ever since.

In the intervening time I see my kids often and my ex-wife and I have a mostly amicable relationship, mostly due to the kids, who I see weekly and we have done some family days out etc, which are ok. I think my wife still loves me and and I don't think she has moved on.

 

Around 3 months ago I went to a function and the lady I had met previously was there. I was so happy to see her (as she was me), after having no contact with her for several years. I learn't that her husband had died of a short illness 2 years ago and that she was now on her own. I have since met her children who have welcomed me and are very friendly towards me, and I think this lady and I could have a very nice relationship and everything my marriage was not. Since our meeting again it has been wonderful.

 

My problem is that I just know that once my wife finds out about my relationship with this lady again, that she will go crazy. My ex has a very firey streak (her Italian blood) and I suspect she will take to social media etc and go into great detail how I have wronged her and I was this...and I was that.....and she will badmouth me to anyone who will listen. This is something I have feared since I met this lady again, but it is very real for me and is now a major issue. I suspect once she knows, that dealing with her will be very difficult and getting access for time with the kids will prove difficult.

 

At the same time I certainly don't want to be on my own and lose this lady in my life. I know my wife is on her own and that she is lonely at times. I don't want to hurt her as we were together a long time.

I just don't know how to proceed.....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

While you were married, you had an affair with a married woman, and it eventually led to your divorce. The affair didn't work out, but now that the woman is a widow, you want to give it a go again but are afraid of your ex-wife getting angry about it and bad-mouthing you on social media.

 

Sorry, but you probably deserve a little lashing and "outing." Despite the fact that your relationship was "deteriorating" (the excuse all cheaters use to justify), you still were unfaithful and still hurt her deeply.

 

If you and this lady truly love each other, go for it....you're both unencumbered now. But, don't expect your ex-wife to EVER accept it for what it is....a relationship born out of infidelity.

[BrainFryer]

While you were married, you had an affair with a married woman, and it eventually led to your divorce. The affair didn't work out, but now that the woman is a widow, you want to give it a go again but are afraid of your ex-wife getting angry about it and bad-mouthing you on social media.

 

Sorry, but you probably deserve a little lashing and "outing." Despite the fact that your relationship was "deteriorating" (the excuse all cheaters use to justify), you still were unfaithful and still hurt her deeply.

 

If you and this lady truly love each other, go for it....you're both unencumbered now. But, don't expect your ex-wife to EVER accept it for what it is....a relationship born out of infidelity.

 

Thank you for your reply and I guess you are correct. I guess in my ex's eyes, she may eventually accept me having a new relationship .....as long as it's not with HER!

It was a total chance meeting I had with this lady and there was no planning to it and there has been no contact for 4 years. We have discussed the situation regarding my ex and see no way of avoiding great hurt (and drama) apart from us going our separate ways again.... to please someone else.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for your reply and I guess you are correct. I guess in my ex's eyes, she may eventually accept me having a new relationship .....as long as it's not with HER!

It was a total chance meeting I had with this lady and there was no planning to it and there has been no contact for 4 years. We have discussed the situation regarding my ex and see no way of avoiding great hurt (and drama) apart from us going our separate ways again.... to please someone else.

 

You are not a victim here.

 

And, yes, I agree with you that she may eventually accept someone new in your life as long as it's not this woman. She'd be a constant reminder of the betrayal. It also sounds like she is not yet healed and may not fully accept anyone, but you'd have a way better chance with someone completely "new."

[MJJean]

Thank you for your reply and I guess you are correct. I guess in my ex's eyes, she may eventually accept me having a new relationship .....as long as it's not with HER!

It was a total chance meeting I had with this lady and there was no planning to it and there has been no contact for 4 years. We have discussed the situation regarding my ex and see no way of avoiding great hurt (and drama) apart from us going our separate ways again.... to please someone else.

 

I'm currently married to the man I left my first marriage for. I know a bit about what you're dealing with.

 

If this woman is worth it, suck it up. You did wrong, take your lumps, and move on with her as your partner. People will get over it as soon as there's someone new to gossip about. If you don't think she's worth it, end things now and don't string her along.

[Cersei]

Is it possible to casually mention that you are feeling ready to start dating people (plural) and hopefully find someone to be in a relationship with?

 

Then she can maybe have some time to get used to the idea. Then after a while ease into the "who" you have met?

 

I dunno? Is that a good idea maybe? Regardless, she will likely be mad and hurt but it maybe won't be as much of a shock.

[somanymistakes]

You are divorced. It is no longer your wife's business who you date.

 

Will she be mad? Probably. Will she rail at her friends about what a terrible person you are? Probably. And if those friends are sensible, they will tell her it's NOT her business anymore.

 

Some people will hate you (but many people hated you already for having an affair). Others will not care. You can't make the whole world approve of you and your decisions, you need to make your choices for what's best and accept the bumps that come with.

 

She's allowed to have her opinion and express it, you can't control how she feels about it anymore than she can control who you date.

 

The only thing you DO have any rights over is the access to the kids. Do you have an official custody order in place spelling out when you get to see them? Are there any restrictions in there about new partners? If you guys never sorted these details out, you may find yourself back in court sometime in the future if your ex decides to try and deny you.

[elaine567]

Is it possible to casually mention that you are feeling ready to start dating people (plural) and hopefully find someone to be in a relationship with?

Then she can maybe have some time to get used to the idea. Then after a while ease into the "who" you have met?

I dunno? Is that a good idea maybe? Regardless, she will likely be mad and hurt but it maybe won't be as much of a shock.

 

I would guess after being divorced for years his ex wife will know he has been dating, BUT the crux of the matter here is this OW, the women who ultimately split up their marriage, so it doesn't matter how carefully he eases into the situation... all Hell will break loose.

Not only will she not be best pleased and may make seeing HIS kids difficult, the OWs kids may not be especially pleased to learn their mother and her "new" bf actually wrecked a marriage and their mother was also probably cheating on their father with this guy too...

I guess the OPs ex wife will be very happy to provide details...

[somanymistakes]

I would guess after being divorced for years his ex wife will know he has been dating, BUT the crux of the matter here is this OW, the women who ultimately split up their marriage, so it doesn't matter how carefully he eases into the situation... all Hell will break loose.

Not only will she not be best pleased and may make seeing HIS kids difficult, the OWs kids may not be especially pleased to learn their mother and her "new" bf actually wrecked a marriage and their mother was also probably cheating on their father with this guy too...

I guess the OPs ex wife will be very happy to provide details...

 

In which case he and his new girlfriend will simply have to handle it like adults, especially if other people in their lives are not providing an example of adult behavior.

 

The infidelity happened. That boat has sailed, a long time ago. Ranting and railing about it now will not reflect well on her and might even damage HER relationship with her kids. We don't know, because it's going to depend on individuals and how they respond to things.

 

 

So yeah, she's probably going to vent a bit on social media about what a terrible person OP is. Did she not do that already during the divorce, though?

[Mittens]

In which case he and his new girlfriend will simply have to handle it like adults, especially if other people in their lives are not providing an example of adult behavior.

 

The infidelity happened. That boat has sailed, a long time ago. Ranting and railing about it now will not reflect well on her and might even damage HER relationship with her kids. We don't know, because it's going to depend on individuals and how they respond to things.

 

 

So yeah, she's probably going to vent a bit on social media about what a terrible person OP is. Did she not do that already during the divorce, though?

 

My father left my mother for another woman, after 23 years of marriage. That was exactly 28 years ago today...and my mother is even angrier and more bitter today!

 

You are correct about it damaging her relationships ... my mother now has none of her extended family in her life, no friends and only limited contact with myself and my younger brother. Sadly it is her bitterness and anger that has bought this about...she's just not a very pleasant person to spend any extended length of time with. She needs counselling desperately, but is from the generation that does not agree with it, so...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is it possible to casually mention that you are feeling ready to start dating people (plural) and hopefully find someone to be in a relationship with?

 

Then she can maybe have some time to get used to the idea. Then after a while ease into the "who" you have met?

 

I dunno? Is that a good idea maybe? Regardless, she will likely be mad and hurt but it maybe won't be as much of a shock.

 

I don't think the solution here is to add even more deceit. I get what you're saying, but in the end I doubt it would help anything....just prolong the angry reaction he's sure to get.

[BrainFryer]

I appreciate the replies - I had thought of introducing a 'fake woman' into the conversation to get my ex used to the idea of me dating someone else, but that adds to the lies.

I do like the idea of it actually being none of her business and in truth that is correct but in reality, I expect fireworks !!

The reality is whatever will be, will be and I may have to batten down the hatches and get on with it.........

 

My kids are older now and nearly at the stage where they can make up their own minds if we spend time together (particularly true of my older daughter and son), younger daughter is only 10, so may have difficulty there, however my son is often the voice of reason and hopefully he could convince her that they need to see their Dad.

[maxi105]

your wife sounds toxic!!!! and above all else rather childish. "how old is she " (to be going onto social media/or even contemplating that sort of thing to deliberately trash you because she is hurting and can't communicate like an adult!!!!)...and you say you don't want to hurt her!! I think she is the one who is hurting both of you and is so angry, desperate and insecure she that she has to enlist others (equally willing to drag your character down) to make herself feel better and to show you she will control you even though she can't accept and knows deep down that you don't love her anymore.

 

you are divorced now so why bother what this person thinks anymore, don't bother going on social media to look what might be said about you, just meet up with this lady as a friend first and see if will take you anywhere. it might do, it might not; but unless you try you won't know.

 

forget the fake woman bit, it will bring more trouble and resentment, and will give others a chance to say look she's a liar as well!!!

 

just see the person and keep it as a friendly exchange and meeting, if someone sees you or says we saw so and so with so and so, you just say I was with a friend (which you would be) until or unless anything more happens.

 

when or if you both feel more for each other then you still meet them, you just don't share your business with others as it will lead to the sort of nasty, spiteful and aggressive behaviours you talk about and fear.

 

why should ANYONE have a right to know about anyone else's business or relationships anyway, (don't these people have lives they need to sort too or are their lives just so perfect that their relationships don't need working on).

 

you don't owe anything to your EX HUSBAND!!!! (he is an EX) and you need to keep it that way as far as who you wish to be with is concerned;

 

other family and business matters that come up are different and of course you'll have to maintain whatever you have agreed on that way, but who you see is nobody's business, and certainly not the business of a load of "gossiping ADULTS!!!!!" and "stirrers" who haven't matured sufficiently!!

 

don't put yourself at the emotional vulnerability of some unhappy control freak who if they find out will come to your door with anger and unfinished revenge issues.

 

live your life and be around people you know are going to be good for you, ok; if you try with the woman and it doesn't work, you'll have a good friend, but what have you got to lose. you say you don't want to lose her, if you give into your ex or those people around just looking for gossip and scandal regardless of the consequences for others then you will lose her! and you may not get another chance if you blow it because of what others think!!!

 

leave people that are going to hurt and harm you or try to dig dirt, these are not the sort of people that are friends or loved ones anyway (however they try to pretend that they care).

 

you don't have to justify who you wish to have as a friend or lover, you are an adult and you have choices too. so make the choices consenting and find things and people that can bring happiness into your life.

 

leave this toxic man and be very grateful you have got away from him. he doesn't have to like it, but so what!

 

best wishes, maxi. ps, a lot of things have changed and gone on since the affair etc, I don't know the issues of what went on then and there is not much point going into it now, whether you were wrong or not, the point is now that you and this lady have both had time away from each other which actually is probably a good thing, so I wouldn't really feel too bad about that from what you've said, all I can say is just don't rush things out of excitement or lust or whatever, there are children involved on both sides: so just take things slowly and think about the effect for them - if you do get together too quickly and then it doesn't work.

 

but good luck, just go into it carefully and I think you have a chance to build up the sort of starting blocks for something that could be more solid and satisfying.

 

your ex will see in time what a loser he really is once the bitterness, rage and control over you has gone, (along with all the people who were initially interested in hearing him drag you down again and again)!

 

ps. you sound in a realistic and positive frame of mind, so I've no doubt you'll just get on with this in a practical way. very best wishes again. maxi

[maxi105]

ps....BRAIN FRYER sorry, ive got the genders all mixed up in my post!!!! lol...sorry y'all, but you all know who I mean when I say leave this man (I really mean the WIFE)

 

ohhh, its been a LONGnight without any sleep!!! (and now feeling rather embarrassed!) HAHAHA :o maxi

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I appreciate the replies - I had thought of introducing a 'fake woman' into the conversation to get my ex used to the idea of me dating someone else, but that adds to the lies.

I do like the idea of it actually being none of her business and in truth that is correct but in reality, I expect fireworks !!

The reality is whatever will be, will be and I may have to batten down the hatches and get on with it.........

 

My kids are older now and nearly at the stage where they can make up their own minds if we spend time together (particularly true of my older daughter and son), younger daughter is only 10, so may have difficulty there, however my son is often the voice of reason and hopefully he could convince her that they need to see their Dad.

 

Both are true. It is none of her business, but that doesn't mean she's going to be happy with it. And who could blame her?

 

As far as the kids.....they have nothing to do with this. You have a RIGHT to see them. She can't legally keep them from you.

[elaine567]

I have no idea how your kids will react to the news that you are dating the woman that caused their mother so much pain.

It may be OK, it may not.

But even if it isn't OK, then on a purely practical level, they will still live with their mother and be out of your life, so you will still be free to see this woman.

 

Frankly I am more worried about the OWs recently bereaved kids and how much they could complicate such an "ideal relationship", once they find out the real truth...

[BrainFryer]

I have no idea how your kids will react to the news that you are dating the woman that caused their mother so much pain.

It may be OK, it may not.

But even if it isn't OK, then on a purely practical level, they will still live with their mother and be out of your life, so you will still be free to see this woman.

 

Frankly I am more worried about the OWs recently bereaved kids and how much they could complicate such an "ideal relationship", once they find out the real truth...

 

The OW's kids are young adults (early 20's) and I have met both several times. They have been friendly and nothing but welcoming towards me. The OW's marriage was not always a happy one and it seems they are pleased to see their mother spending time with someone who makes her happy and spoils her a little. They do not know that I knew their mother before and they may not know (it will be up to their mother to tell them that or not).

If my ex tries to get to them to vent her fury.....I don't know what their reactions would be...but it could backfire on my ex.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The OW's kids are young adults (early 20's) and I have met both several times. They have been friendly and nothing but welcoming towards me. The OW's marriage was not always a happy one and it seems they are pleased to see their mother spending time with someone who makes her happy and spoils her a little. They do not know that I knew their mother before and they may not know (it will be up to their mother to tell them that or not).

If my ex tries to get to them to vent her fury.....I don't know what their reactions would be...but it could backfire on my ex.

 

Is this the kind of fear you want to constantly be living in?

[BrainFryer]

Is this the kind of fear you want to constantly be living in?

 

Not at all, I'm not living in fear. They seem adult enough to make up their own minds and doubt whether or not they would get involved in communications with my ex, once they knew who she was.

My concerns are mainly causing additional hurt to my ex (and any subsequent fallout on social media etc) - I don't want to hurt her, we had some great times, but it's over and life is different now and I want to attempt a relationship with this other lady.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not at all, I'm not living in fear. They seem adult enough to make up their own minds and doubt whether or not they would get involved in communications with my ex, once they knew who she was.

My concerns are mainly causing additional hurt to my ex (and any subsequent fallout on social media etc) - I don't want to hurt her, we had some great times, but it's over and life is different now and I want to attempt a relationship with this other lady.

 

Question - does "everyone" know about your infidelity in your marriage? If she took to social media to put you on blast, would it be the first time people found out about it?

[BrainFryer]

Question - does "everyone" know about your infidelity in your marriage? If she took to social media to put you on blast, would it be the first time people found out about it?

 

I don't know who knows, or who remembers, or who really would care much about it. I don't know what she put on social media at the time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know who knows, or who remembers, or who really would care much about it. I don't know what she put on social media at the time.

 

I'm wondering why you're so sure about the social media thing. Is she the type who would typically take to social media to share her personal problems? My ex cheated on me, but I would never put something like that on SM even if I'd tell people about it. I have fairly close friends who didn't even know we were divorced 3 or 4 years after the fact lol. I'm just not the type to use SM in that way. Is your ex a social media over-sharer?

[BrainFryer]

I'm wondering why you're so sure about the social media thing. Is she the type who would typically take to social media to share her personal problems? My ex cheated on me, but I would never put something like that on SM even if I'd tell people about it. I have fairly close friends who didn't even know we were divorced 3 or 4 years after the fact lol. I'm just not the type to use SM in that way. Is your ex a social media over-sharer?

 

SM is a big part of her life - she's constantly putting pics of her and the kids on there. She and her friends are the same and lots of personal info goes on there from the groceries being delivered late, to a local shoddy Plumber, to the local Greengrocer who shortchanged her on a bag of carrots - all named and shamed on SM :-)

She operates in the knee-jerk reaction mode - act now...think later !

[elaine567]

.

Due to the stresses of breaking up and some additional problems, that Lady and I also parted our ways around that time and I have been on my own ever since.

 

As this is going I guess to be a huge "event", cause drama and maybe even irreparable damage all round, then you need to think very carefully about what you are doing here.

Why did you split up before? What were the "additional" problems? Why didn't you make a go of it then? If you were so much in love why didn't she stick around once your marriage was in tatters?

YOU were then "free" and she chose to stay in an "unhappy" marriage, why?...

 

I know you are back in the heady affair fog and in the honeymoon period and you are no doubt desperate to be loved, but you need to start clearing your head and think rationally.

No point in blowing everything up if all this is, is a flash in the pan, she is a somewhat lonely widow, you are lonely too, but if all the old problems will just resurface eventually, then it may not be worth all the hassle.

Is this "love" or is she just using you to get over the loss of her husband?

Is this "love" or are you just stuck in a time warp trying to replay how things used to be or how they could have been...

[BrainFryer]

As this is going I guess to be a huge "event", cause drama and maybe even irreparable damage all round, then you need to think very carefully about what you are doing here.

Why did you split up before? What were the "additional" problems? Why didn't you make a go of it then? If you were so much in love why didn't she stick around once your marriage was in tatters?

YOU were then "free" and she chose to stay in an "unhappy" marriage, why?...

 

I know you are back in the heady affair fog and in the honeymoon period and you are no doubt desperate to be loved, but you need to start clearing your head and think rationally.

No point in blowing everything up if all this is, is a flash in the pan, she is a somewhat lonely widow, you are lonely too, but if all the old problems will just resurface eventually, then it may not be worth all the hassle.

Is this "love" or is she just using you to get over the loss of her husband?

Is this "love" or are you just stuck in a time warp trying to replay how things used to be or how they could have been...

 

 

It's not just as black and white as to say it didn't work. It was a very upsetting time for all (myself included) and there was a huge amount of emotion and stress in the air. I had financial difficulties, worries about my ex-wife's mental health, children's health and happiness and job security - some of these were relevant for the OW's life too.

Splitting from this OW made life easier in so many ways.

 

However it's the most 'in love' and connected I've ever felt in my life and I'm very happy we've met again. It's early days yet but I could see a bright future with this lady. In the intervening years, some of the issues mentioned above are resolved and all the children seem settled with their parent's position for now, so the biggest issue is with my ex.

No contact is not really an option due to the kids, but I can certainly go reduced contact.

You're right and if it was just a casual fling there would be no point in causing turmoil, but there is the possibility of a bright future with a wonderful lady......