friends or what?

[thefish]

hey, i was hoping someone could help me with this, i have run into a problem and i am lost now. i met this girl about 2 months ago and we immediately hit it off, she is the coolest girl i have hung out with, i just got out of a relationship so i didnt want to get involved with anyone, and so did she, hers was 4 years mine was a few months. anyways, she started calling me a lot, and at first i was not realy into it for anything more than fun, but as we started hanging out more, i started liking her, and i know she has feelings for me. she calls me when she is drunk we spent an entire week hanging out, one night we were both going to hook up but something disrupted it and she cried because of it. last night we were together and she was hanging all over me, and we both kind of confessed our feelings for each other. then she hit me with "i just got out of a long relationship" i dont know what that means but i am taking it as she doesnt want this to happen, or that she is confused or even as i dont know. i like her but i dont know what to do, i feel like we are going to start distancing ourselves because of this though, and i dont want that to happen. anyone have any ideas?

[greeneyedgirl23]

It sounds to me like this girl wants to be friends, but at the same time enjoys the attention you give to her. I think that she calls you when she is drunk, because you are there and willing to talk to her. I dont know the whole story about her past, but she may still in love with her ex... how far have the two of you gone together? you said you almost hooked up, do you mean sex? I would just play it cool and still talk but it sounds like she isnt ready to push it any further yet.

[thefish]

hey, thanks for the reply, we have never had sex, but there have been instances where we would have had it not been interrupted, and to be frank, i am glad we didnt. i kind of have this thing about having sex with girls when they are drunk. sounds cheesey i am sure, just a personal principal. the bottom line is this though, i didnt want to get involved, she initiated this whole thing, and now it seems as though after she has gotten what she wanted she doesnt want it anymore. that is what really confuses me. i dont know if i should tell her how i feel or what. and after the other night, it seems like she wont even talk to me. i dont know what i did wrong, but apparently something, she was the one who initiated the conversation too. the other factor in the equation is this, i have a bad reputation. i have been with a lot of girls and they tend to find out about one another. i bet she is pretty confused right now about this whole situation and i dont want to make things any more difficult on her. i am just lost like i said

[Jayhawks]

Play it by ear. Do to her what she does to you.

[thefish]

i saw her tonight, and it only got worse, but the deal is this, i really like this girl, and i dont know what to do. i have to make every effort possible to make it work out, so if someone has any ideas how i can do this le me know how to play it. i like the "do to her what she does to you" idea, but if any girls disagree, or agree with it, please let me know, i need all the help i can get at this point. thank again you all.

[in the water]

I feel your pain, fish. I've been also hanging out with a guy who's my friend, lots of drunkenness also involved. It was good for a while and then things got too close for me. I got weirded out.

 

It's hard to keep a balance between keeping it chill and not developing any feelings. I personally feel something for him, but I'm not going to admit it. I don't really know what he thinks about me, but I get the feeling that he also feels something for me. But we'd ultimately be bad for each other.

 

Friends that become lovers always seem to get strange. Good luck. I'll check in to see how your thing goes. I hope that I can reconcile my weirdness with my friend with benefits.

 

Be patient with her, is my suggestion. She's probably just as confused as you are.

[thefish]

hey inthewater, thanks for replying, i read over what you wrote and i think i actually got a lot from it. i was confused about a couple things though. you said that things were good but got too close, why is that bad? if you do have feelings for this guy then why wouldnt you tell him or try to pursue it? you said that you had feelings for him but did not want to admit that. i dont understand that either. dont get me wrong, i am not trying to tell you what do do or anything like that, i am curious as to why you wouldnt want to let him know how you feel. i think we are in a very similar situation, though, i think you are on the same path as the girl i have been talking about, and i think i am probably in a similar situation as the guy you are hanging out with, we might be able to provide some insight for each other. my whole thing is this: if you like the guy, which you obviously do since you are adressing it here, what are you afraid of? the worst thing that could happen is that you get hurt, and that is the very worst case scenerio. you can get hurt doing anything though, you can get hurt driving down the street, but you still leave the house everyday. if this guy is really into you then he is already putting himself out there to get hurt, which shows a huge level of devotion and care for you currently he stands to lose a lot. i guess my thinking is that if you like this guy there is probably a reason for it, and if he likes you, there is probably a reason for it, so that said, why not give this guy a shot? maybe it will be the best thing you have ever done, and if its not at least you will learn from it, no one can ever say that they have learned too much. i hope that this post makes sense, sorry i am kind of in a rush, i just wanted to reply and say thanks for your insight and i hope to hear back from you soon, and please feel free to ask me for anything you might be confused on, i actually am pretty good at this stuff as long as i am not involved.

[in the water]

Originally posted by thefish

hey inthewater, thanks for replying, i read over what you wrote and i think i actually got a lot from it. i was confused about a couple things though. you said that things were good but got too close, why is that bad? if you do have feelings for this guy then why wouldnt you tell him or try to pursue it? you said that you had feelings for him but did not want to admit that. i dont understand that either. dont get me wrong, i am not trying to tell you what do do or anything like that, i am curious as to why you wouldnt want to let him know how you feel. i think we are in a very similar situation, though, i think you are on the same path as the girl i have been talking about, and i think i am probably in a similar situation as the guy you are hanging out with, we might be able to provide some insight for each other. my whole thing is this: if you like the guy, which you obviously do since you are adressing it here, what are you afraid of? the worst thing that could happen is that you get hurt, and that is the very worst case scenerio. you can get hurt doing anything though, you can get hurt driving down the street, but you still leave the house everyday. if this guy is really into you then he is already putting himself out there to get hurt, which shows a huge level of devotion and care for you currently he stands to lose a lot. i guess my thinking is that if you like this guy there is probably a reason for it, and if he likes you, there is probably a reason for it, so that said, why not give this guy a shot? maybe it will be the best thing you have ever done, and if its not at least you will learn from it, no one can ever say that they have learned too much. i hope that this post makes sense, sorry i am kind of in a rush, i just wanted to reply and say thanks for your insight and i hope to hear back from you soon, and please feel free to ask me for anything you might be confused on, i actually am pretty good at this stuff as long as i am not involved.

 

Glad that you got something from my post. It IS confusing, isn't it? You're in the same boat I am and it's hard.

 

My whole "whatever it is" with this guy started off with the both of us stating that neither one of us wanted a bf/gf. I don't because I'm just a friggin' mess right now. He also told me something that would be a deal breaker for us to ever be together as a couple. But again, this whole thing started with the no bf/no gf clause anyway.

 

Why is getting close bad? See above. How do you balance not being somebody's gf with being close to them? I don't know how to do that. There's no chance of us being a couple, so why be close? I guess he wanted a REAL FRIEND with benefits. I don't know, I'm just scared of being close to someone right now. I want to be close to him, but I'm afraid to be.

 

While I do have feelings for him, it just can't be anymore than it has been... I think he has some feelings for me: he's actually mad at me right now because I said something that I shouldn't have and it was interpreted incorrectly. Anyway, our lives are just too different. We practically live in two different worlds due to the way that we live... It just wouldn't work, ya know?

 

How are things going with your girl? I'm obviously bumming about my guy.

[thefish]

hey, yeah, i dont know how things are going right now, we got drunk together last night and hung out and she seemed realy distant, we had a fun time, we always do, but i feel like there is some apprehension there on her part. i dont know what to do, i honestly feel like i have blown this thing. i just wish that i knew what she was thinking. i know it sounds cheesey and sappy and what not, but i honestly feel like this: if i woke up in the morning and she was next to me, i dont think i would want anything else, money, cars, other girls, water, food....anything. it would be like waking up and having everything i ever wanted right next to me. i wish that i could tell her that, but i cant, and i really want her to know how i feel. the funny thing is, that i never get this way about girls. normally i sleep with them and then i dont care from that point, but it is a very different situation here and i think that is why i dont know what to do. i dont know if she is pushing me away because she is scared of getting onvoloved or what, but things definitely dont feel the same as they were, and i dont like that. so what do i do? you seem like a pretty smart girl, what would you want a guy to do? if you were not wanting to have a relationship (i dont know if that sentence structure makes sense) but you really liked the guy, could he do something to make you change your mind? would you be aprehensive towards him because you didnt want to get involved? i am just really confused and lost right now, same as you.

 

in your situation, you obviously like this guy, my sense is that you are afraid because you know that if you open up and do want a relationship you will either a. get hurt, or b. ruin the friendship, or even c. that he wont recriprocate it. you need to figure out what it is that you really want. that is first and foremost, you say you like him and i believe that you really do, but what is it that you ultimately want? then you need to wiegh your possible actions and outcomes then from there you need to decide which road you want to take. if you need help or whatever feel free to ask, but it sounds to me that your most confusing thing right now is what you actually want. the two different worlds thing, although valid, sounds to me like you are trying to reason out why you shouldnt be with him. but its not about what you should do, or should not do, its more about what you WANT, anyways, thats my little rant for right now. hope to hear back from you, and thanks for your reply

[in the water]

Hmmm, in your situation, I would again suggest patience. Like I said earlier, she's probably just as confused as you are. (Sh*t, I'm so confused about my situation, it's ridiculous!)

 

I'm not sure what you could do to change her mind. Is she just not ready because she was with her ex for 4 years? What have been the reasons for her not wanting to be involved with you? Is the benefits part of your relationship not happening now? I don't know, keep being her friend, let her know that you're there for her. But also do your own thing. If she's sending out vibes that she's not interested right now, then maybe give her the space that she needs. She may change her mind on her own.

 

It's a tough call. She's probably feeling a little emotionally disconnected. I know that I certainly am (I too am out of a 4 1/2 year relationship, hence the not wanting a bf thing)! Don't let her string you along either though. If you really like this girl, then I think patience is key, but there may come a point where you feel suckered too, ya know?

 

In regards to my situation, that's the biggest problem for me: knowing what I want. Because I don't know. That's why I feel like I can understand what your girl is going through. I really have NO friggin' CLUE what I'm doing. I'm struggling with issues from my ex, from all sorts of stuff right now. So, how can I make any sort of a decision if I don't know what I want?

 

I know that I'm not making any sense here. I think that my biggest problem is that what I WANT and what I SHOULD do are two different things. I want to keep fooling around with this guy and be his friend, but it's not going anywhere. What I should do? Forget about it and move on since we'd be a bad fit (I'm a professional, he's a professional slacker/student) for the future anyways.

 

But of course, what am I doing now? Worrying about the fact that since I said that stupid thing a few days ago, he's not talking to me. It's probably over now anyway and I'm sitting here feeling bad about it. I even apologized for what I said. One call to me 8 hours later, with no message.

 

So, I screwed it up too. I feel your pain, fish.

[in the water]

So I talked to him yesterday... he said that all was good (he called, no prompting since the apology). But if all is good, why have I not heard from him since? He said that he would call, whatever. This is so stupid. I even texted today asking if he was out tonight. Either he's trying to save face or he just doesn't care...

 

God, I hope that things are better for you. I hate the situation I am in, left wondering.

[thefish]

you know something, i think you actually do know what you want. and i think it is very easy to see why. as you said, you are just out of a 4.5 year relationship, and anyone knows that that is not an easy thing to deal with, but i think we can take a lot from this fact. first off, you are used to having someone around, you are used to having a significant other. it seems only normal that you would become accustomed to that. it seems to me that you DO want a relationship with this guy, but that you are scared, and understandably so. no one wants to los anyone, i bet your break up was terrible and you probably are worried about not wanting to go through that again. the fact that you are so concerned about how this guy feels about you tells me that you DO want something with him. listen, i break it down like this, no one wants to be alone. there is a reason that you jumped on this forum and shared your problem with me and everyone else, and i think the reason is that you need reaffirmation that you do ineed want something with this guy, but that is just my take. you cant go through life worrying about getting hurt, its as pointless as not going outside because you are afraid you might fall and hurt yourself. injuries happen, breakups happen people dont get together, its a part of life, but if you realy like this guy and you want to be with him, you need to let him know. the confusion will be gone then, you wont have to deal with this anymore, bottom line is this, right now, you dont have this guy, by you telling him how you feel 2 things can happen, a. he can recriprocate it and you wind up ahead, or b. he doesnt, and you stay where you are, only with less confusion, you stand to lose absolutely nothing by following your heart. ( i should be following my own advice) you need to get closure on this and accept what he tells you he wants, if the answer is no, then all the hooking up should stop, simply because it will only hurt you. you need to remember that you want to be happy, if this guy isnt the one, then he isn the one, and someone else will make you happy.

 

as far as my own situation goes, i am even more confused, the signals are now more mixed than ever, she gets jealous when she sees me with other girls and is all over me then, and then as soon as thats over she changes. i dont know if she is not ready, or if she is just scared of a relationship, girls who have seen us together say that she is scared of me because she knows that if we get together it is going to last long and she wants some freedom. that is why she is freaking out and trying to get me to back away or whatever, but her feelings for me really show through. i really dont know what i am going to do. as far as hooking up drunk goes, i wont do it now, not when we are drunk. not my deal, but oh well,, i guess just time will tell

[in the water]

Hi fish,

 

Hmm, I'd like to say that I could just tell him what I think and feel, but I know that I won't. He got upset with me when I said, "It doesn't matter." Kind of hard to repair that, eh? I said it in relation to him trying to get to know me better. (which made me all squeamish and freaked me out) Why did he want to know me better if it doesn't matter? I don't know that I can fix this... he said that he doesn't really remember the conversation. But if he doesn't remember it, then why did he start acting so strangely the days following my question? He said that he thinks that the conversation "was about one of us having feelings for the other." Now I'm wondering who he thinks expressed feelings? Me or him? I told him that I didn't remember the conversation that way...

 

Heard from him again, he wanted to hook up and now he's being really clear that it would be just for sex. I don't know now if he's doing it to save face for himself or if he thinks that I feel something which he doesn't want. I'm so confused. You know what? I think that I'm going to try to just not worry about it. I enjoy time with him, I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy the sex. Let it be what it is, ya know?

 

Closure on this? Don't think I'm going to get it, fish. Ah well. Savor the time that I spend with him when I get it. I think that I need to NOT listen to my heart here, pretty sure that it'll get squished. (Oh, I'm 8 months out of the relationship with my ex. And yeah, I'm absolutely terrified of getting hurt again. I wanted to keep things simple with this guy and NOT have any feelings because I'm just not ready. I broke it off with the ex because he was/is an alcoholic. See why this whole thing is completely crazy? Now I'm the one dealing with alcohol issues!)

 

As far as your situation goes (god, I'm sorry for going on for so long about my story!), it sounds like a lot of it is about fear. Fear can really mess stuff up. She's afraid for probably a lot of the same reasons that I am. I swear sometimes that fear can just stifle us to the point of no action. As people. We get stuck in what we're doing and are resistant to change because of fear of the unknown and possibilities.

 

Interesting that you say that you won't hook up with her drunk now. Why? Isn't that the way that it's been?

 

What has she said about not wanting to be involved with you? Has she said anything?

 

I'm sorry that she's sending out such mixed signals right now. I'm sure that you're feeling a mess. She'll eventually figure out what she wants. So, have you decided to stop hanging with her, or just stop the hooking up? I'm really curious as to what you're experiencing.

 

It seriously sounds like all of the advice that you gave me is advice that you should be following. I think that my situation is a little more convoluted... I don't know. Anyway, talk to the girl! It's not like you guys started out with a no bf/no gf clause like I did! What's holding you back from talking to her?

[Mr.positive]

She either wants to be your friend or wants to f you.

[thefish]

hey ITW, dont feel bad about talking about your problem, i can only hope to be able to help you a little bit. your problem seems really complex. you have a lot on your plate with this whole thing. from what i have heard you say about this guy, i have to ask this question, and i hope you dont find it offensive, but is this guy a good person? i think that is a very important question for you to know, especially if think there is a chance for longevity here. my thinking here is that if you truly know that he is not then this may be a waste of your time. especially seeing how he acts, and how he acts when he is drunk. he seems like he is very hot/cold. it also seems like this may be something you really do want, but like you said in your first messege, "you dont want to admit that" if this is the case, you need to decide what you want to do. i would say a good plan of action is this. dont call him for a couple of days then sometime in the middle of the week you should call him and see if he casually wants to get some food, or go to lunch, maybe throw in "i cant find anyone to go with me" which will make him feel like a last resort. if he calls drunk, dont answer. if he calls you drunk and you dont pick up, he will be confused and he may think you are mad, which will make him very likely to call you the next day when he sobers up. when you do hang out or do whatever, dont talk about your status or anything like that unless he brings it up. one if the mistakes i made was talking to her about "us" when we were drunk, even though she brought it up, it was not a good idea. play it off casual, be hard to get, that is what he is doing and it is driving you nuts. reverse the role. besides, its a lot harder for a guy to get a girl than the other way around...trust me. haha

 

all in all i dont think you have necessarily ruined anything. i think you have just put your self in a position where he has all the power, if you had all the power, wouldnt you want to take full advantage of that? the reason i say to not call him for a couple of days, and play it cool is because the extra time you give yourself will also give time to decide what YOU want, because as you said, you dont know. anyways, i am no doctor, but thats just how i would play it.

 

as far as my situation goes, i stopped hooking up with her when she is drunk because i found out she had hooked up with another guy when i was not around one night. i know the guy, and he is a complete.........well he is shady, but either way, my decision would have been the same had she not. and to be honest, on the night that it happened i was doing the exact same thing, i know that sounds really bad, but its nothing i initiated and it just happened so i cant be mad about it, i am just going to call it a wash. when it comes to getting involved with me, i think there is a lot of apprehension on her part because of who i am. i have been around and when you are in such a small environment like college, things get said, and people get known for their actions. she has expressed some interest in this, and i have been honest with her. all she has said is , "thats not that bad" which it isnt, i am not a bad person, i have just had things happen and i do regret it, but it happened. i think you were right about needing to give her time, and i am going to, i am not about to stop hanging out with her but we both need to think this through. and i also think you were right that i need to take my own advice, but i think i need to give it some time and see if things can sort of fix themselves. i dont know though. how would you ideally want a guy to handle this? i am not less lost than i was before, but i am ust going to be more pro-active than reactive, its time to take things back into my control. but let me know what you think about all of this stuff, i greatly appreciate all of your help and i hope i am helping you at least a little bit.

[in the water]

Hey fish,

 

Sorry that I haven't been back recently. It's been a really rough week. Major crisis amongst my group of friends. Ugh.

 

Anyway, due to the major crisis, this guy leaned on me a lot this week. It was hard seeing him so out of it, but I'm glad that he felt comfortable enough to lean on me, ya know? He told me that he thought that he started really hanging out with me at just the right time and that he felt lucky to know me. I'm not sure why he picked me to lean on, actually. I figured that he would have picked someone closer to him. It was a little shocking.

 

But I think that I've also come to the realization that he's bad for me in the long run, so what am I doing? I probably should just try dating some nice normal guy. It's not like the relationship that we have is normal. It was just hook ups when we were out drinking until this last week when the crisis happened. Yet I'm inexplicably sad about thinking about it being over for some reason. I'm so confused. I had the opportunity to hang out with a couple of other guys. Yes, two other guys asked me out and I declined. Why? Because I like this guy. And he's bad for me. God, I'm so stupid. Next time, I'll just say yes.

 

So, have you stuck to the non-hooking up thing with your girl? Have you guys been hanging out at all?

 

How would I want a guy to handle this situation? It'd be great to hear the truth. I screwed up one other friend relationship with a wonderful man who I was in love with. We never really talked about our feelings and now we're just email friends and pretty rare ones at that. I wish that I could go back to that period of time in my life and do it over. Talk to him about exactly what I was feeling. Maybe things would be different now.

 

In relation to the guy that I'm with now... talking about how we feel would scare the **** out of me, but I also know that I am very confused. I'm going to give him space by not texting for the next few days. I'll answer if he writes, but I won't write him. I really don't need to encourage this relationship as much as in my heart I'd like to. I know in my head that he's the wrong person for me.

 

Is he a good person? Basically yes. As a person who thinks, really thinks, and is real in a way that many people aren't, yes, he's a wonderful man. In other ways, no. He's a slacker/professional student. That makes him not a good person. There comes a time when one should grow up a little bit, ya know? We're both in our 30s!

 

Let me know what's going on with you! I have no idea what's been up for the last week.

[thefish]

hey itw, thanks for the reply, i am very sorry to hear that you had all the drama in your circle of friends. i really hope that everything winds up ok. after reading your last post i saw that you were still having trouble with your guy. it seems like you really like this guy and maybe you are trying to convince yourself that he is not right for you for one reason or another. (btw i am a psych major, but not a very good one) it seems like you guys are getting closer to some sort of pinnacle, because if he has come to you for help all this he obviously feels very close to you. it seems like you have reached a barrier where you two are very good friends. i think your idea about not calling maybe the best plan of action. it will help you to figure out what he actually wants. he WILL call you, but if he doesnt for a long time, you should give him a call. he may feel foolish that he made himself very vulnerable to you. in general though, he should call you. it would seem that at that point it will reveal itself for what it is, and if it stands to go anywhere from there, but it may take some time.

 

anyways, my whole thing has made itself worse. i left it alone for a bit, and it kind of rectified itself a little, and then got even more confusing. i really dont even know what to say about this whole thing. at this point i dont know what to think or do, it is just making me feel depressed and helpless. i hate that. i dont know, its like in that movie, "just when i think i'm out, it pulls me back in" i cant believe i went from not wanting anything to losing sleep over this whole thing. i have a long week ahead of me, so i think by the end of this week i may be ready for an institution. either way, i am curious to see when i will hear from her again. yes, i have kept to my not hooking up deal, but i have been kind of a jerk, i got a call from a drunk girl that i have hooked up with in the past and i went over, luckily i was able to control myself, and i didnt wind up doing anything. i was pretty proud of myself.

 

we hadnt hung out until the weekend, she did text me all week and expressed that she wanted to get together. i am still very uneasy about this whole thing, but i guess we will see what happens. let me know how everything is going since you last posted.

[in the water]

Hi fish,

 

Well, I ran into him out last night with a new little girl. Looks like she's 21 or something! Anyway, I was pretty much ignoring him and when I went to leave he wanted to talk to me about what was up. I said a lot of the things that I was feeling. Mad at myself for being jealous, that I decided it was over due to the fact that we are bad for each other, blah, blah. But that I still wanted to sleep with him, but that I was going to date other guys. I only f*ck one guy at a time though. (See, I still don't really know what I want, and I'm still confused.)

 

He said that he did have feelings for me. That it was important that we remain friends (OK...). That he wasn't sleeping with the new girl because she wanted him to be her bf and he doesn't want a gf. Whatever. I told him that I was pissed that he leaned on me so hard last week and then nothing this week. That it was unfair. He said that he meant everything he said to me. "We'll see what happens," he said.

 

So, I'm just going to leave it at that. It's a wash. He wants to talk more about this later, I don't know what else there is to say.

 

I've got a date on Saturday night with a short-term ex. And 3 other guys waiting in the wings to go out with me, none of whom I've called yet (for some reason men always seem to want to give ME their #, instead of the other way around). But I will call at least one of them. Time to move on.

 

My story's done, I think.

 

Yours? Sorry that things have been so confusing. I know what you mean about not wanting anything to losing sleep over it. I was pretty bummed this week when I saw this guy out with the little girl. I'm 36, jesus! It's so stupid. And over the fact that I ended up caring for him more than I wanted to...

 

So no more hooking up, but you did hang out? Does the hanging out make it worse? Cool for the not hooking up with the old hook up girl.

 

You weren't very specific in your last post as to what was up. I need more info to reply to your post!

[thefish]

hey ITW, i a glad to hear that you have gotten at least a little bit of closure on your situation. it sounds like you may see more of though in social settings. I would almost guarentee you that if he saw you with some other guy he would feel the same way as when you saw him with the 20something. i dont know why guys like younger girls, but we do. it sounds like everything will work itself out with time. you said it was time to move on, do you actually feel confident doing that? if so, that is totally awesome for you, you are going to be a lot happier with someone who can act their own age, and date someone their own age. sorry this has taken so long for me to post a reply, it has been a rough past couple of weeks for me. unfortunately there is not really much to report in my situation, i have been spending a lot of time in limbo, which is actually working out for the best because i have grown to care about this a lot less. which may or may not be a good thing. if i had to give an eta on clsure it would be 1 week from now hahaha, but you never know. either way. let me know how everything has been going since your last post. sorry i dont have a lot to say, but to be honest, there has just been too much going on for me to concentrate on this, and i am actually greatful for that.

[in the water]

Hi fish,

 

Yep, got some closure. It sux, I run into him all the time. Right now, I just wish that I didn't have to see him for a while. I know that it won't hurt later on, but right now it does and I wish I could just will him away for a while. Can't do it though...

 

Am I confident about moving on? Hmmm, this is about being logical. Not about how I feel. I care about this guy, more than I wanted to. He still doesn't know it and I've got no plans to tell him. What I feel in my heart has nothing to do with what I'm going to do. I'm walking away from this situation because I know that it's the best thing for me. We are bad for each other. Really, he's bad for me. I've got a normal life, can't regress into who I was in college.

 

Besides, he's got a new little girl. My friends have suggested that the reason he got a new little girl is because I never reciprocated the feelings that he expressed for me. Oh well. I wasn't about to say them out loud. But those feelings will fade and all will be right in the world...

 

I'm glad that you are getting over this thing with your girl. So you're not concentrating on this. That's great! I'm sorry to hear that there's too much going on. Well, I don't know what it is, so maybe it's good stuff!

 

Good luck, fish.

 

ITW

[thefish]

well, ITW, have you ever seen "the godfather" ? you know "just when i think i am out, they pull me back in" ? remember that? well they must have been privy to my situation and used it as reference. this is very dumb, i am very sick of this. she is playing games with my mind and i definitely do not like it. she keeps on acting like she is all into me and telling me how much she wants to see me and how much she misses hanging out with me (i have not been calling her) and then i finally go to hang out with her and she acts like i am not even there, or flirts with some other guy right in front of me. its funny, i have a lot of girls who are good friends of mine, and they have seen this whole thing transpire and evolve from one point to the next, and they are all really angry about how this is going, they think she is being a real bi^&*. the funny thing is that they all think i have screwed myself, because everyone here knows who i am, and everyone here knows my reputation, and they all agree that any girl would be very skeptical about getting involved with me in any way knowing who i am. i personally dont believe that, but oh well.

 

i dont know if she is trying to make me jealous by flirting with other guys in front of me, especially when, at the end of the night she wants to be with me. we are still not hooking up, not that i couldnt, i just refuse to. when it comes to that point of the night, i just say that i need to go. i know this getting to her, because she asked me about it. and all i said was, "i not just going to make this one THOSE types of deals, either we are together or we are not, i can "hook up" with anyone i want, but i want to BE WITH YOU" and then i leave. i really dont know how else i am suppose to play this. i mean, i feel like she is really into me, but that she is afraid to get involved because she desnt want to lose her freedom. i just dont know anymore, i like to phathom that all of this is worth it, but in actuality, i dont that it ever could be. dont getme wrong, i HATE giving up, but i really dont see there being anything i can here, and if there were, i would do it, whatever it was. i just dont think it can happen.

 

anyways, how is your thing going? have you talked to him again since the other day? are any of those other things with the other guys materializing? are you still thinking about that guy? generally whats goingg on with you?

i just feel bad i ranted a bit there so i want to let you have something to talk about.

[in the water]

Hey fish,

 

Sorry that your situation has gotten so crummy. Why does it always have to be about stupid games? She's hitting on other boys in front of you? Ugh. That sux. Have you been doing the same? It doesn't sound like it.

 

Wow... and then she wants to hook up with you at the end of the night? Are you sure that she's really flirting with these other boys and that she isn't just friends with these guys? I'm glad that you are telling her how you feel, that you want to be with her. It takes a lot of guts to say that, I'm sure.

 

What has her reaction been to you when you say this to her? That you could hook up with anyone but that you want to be with her? If my former FWB said this to me, I think that I would reconsider everything that I've said to you up until this point and date him. For real. Leave behind all of the other BS that has made me afraid and just throw caution to the wind. That is romantic and sweet. And beautiful.

 

Don't worry about me, fish. This thread was originally for and about you. I shouldn't have brought up my own crap. Sorry. (Last I want to say about him: he and I are barely speaking. It's OK. As far as I know, he's still with the little girl. Oh well. We're kind to each other when we run into one another and hug and kiss on the cheek and such. He still says it isn't over.)

[jadedalways645]

Boy I am going through the exact same thing right now. I posted the story a couple of days ago but I put it in the wrong forum (first time posting). Don't feel hokey about the sex thing. At least you are strong enough to say no and stick by your morals. I have been in this situation a few times and you have to ask yourself do you REALLY enjoy being with her or is it something else. When I ask myself that question, that usually will tell you. That old maxim holds true about if you love something let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be. The last three times I did that, they usually disappeared and I realized maybe they were not as special as I remember them. But then one comes around and you remember what you learned from the others. If she wants to be friends, treat her like a friend. We have a tendency to rush things and I am guilty of it myself. Learn from my mistakes and step back, take a deep breath and your talking about it so that is the first step. If you want to see how similiar out situations are, go to the THE OTHER MAN/WOMAN column and look at the one titled "what the hell is going on" and tell me if it sounds the same.

[thefish]

hey itw and jade, thanks for posting replies. itw i like hearing about your situation, you should deifinitely keep in touch about it, sorry i didnt write sooner, i have not been getting emails telling me about recent postings for some reason. if he said that it isnt over, you should have told him to go f- himself. dont let yourself be treated poorly, i dont even know you except through these postings and i can already say that you dont deserve it, no one deserves to have their feelings played with. i have just been keeping distance from this girl, and i have been getting a lot of attention from her because of it. but i have also gotten into some trouble. her roomate saw me the other night at a bar and asked me if i would have sex with her, i was dumbfounded, like what does she think is going on with me and her roommate? either way, i walked out of the bar because of it.

how are all of the things going with your other guys you know? tell me what has been happening, i know it has been a long time and i apologize, but lets get this back on track and keep corresponding, and please dont feel like you shouldnt talk about your things.

 

jade, i read your postings, it IS like looking in a mirror. why does thins kind of thing happen? i dont get it. i am pretty sure it has something to do with our infatuation for things we really want, yet we see a very small likelyhood of working out in our favor. doesnt it seem like no matter what you do, this is a situation you cannot and will not be able to control? i dont know, tell me more about what you have been going through, and read my replies form other people on the forum they may help you. think about what you would IDEALLY like to see happen in this situation that would make you the happiest. and then think about how you will be able to make it happen, if you cant think about ANYTHING you can do, then you have to decide if you want to give it your all, or give up. tell me what you think.

i will be on here more often to hear what you both have to say. cant wait to hear back from you guys. take it easy, and until next time.

[Moai]

Let it all develop, and as hard as it is, don't think about it. The more you think about it, the worse it will be, just because you will be looking fo rthing s to validate a particular viewpoint instead of being in the moment (gee, didn't I say something similar on another thread?).

 

Make sure you make rules for yourself and stick to them. Like, no more calls whenshe is drunk, if that's what you want. Don't tell her that or ultimatum her, just decide how you want to be in the relationship and be that way.

 

I don't think that friends progressing is weird at all, it's happened to me a few times and it was great. Few relationships are permanent, even friendships, so what have you got to lose?

 

It'll all work itself out eventually, so don't trip on it too much. If she's a cool girl, as you say, thenshe'll see what she has with you would be rad and go for it. In the meantime, don't put all your eggs in her basket--make sure you have time away from her and with other women.