guest Posted September 16, 2005 Share Posted September 16, 2005 hi, my problem is kind of weird and very hard to explain but as i need help....here goes.... i have a really close friend who used to put me kind of on a pedestal, was there for everything important in my life came places only when i was there called me everyday and night spoke till sunrise etc....but a couple of yrs ago he got hitched ...during his relationship he kind off stopped all sorts of communication suddenly and then wud call n say i was not there for him and he was going thru weird times n needed to find himself and tht he cud not be with me for sometime... after he temporarily split with his gurl he started calling me when he was drunk when he wanted to talk and kept telling me how he did not want to loose me,how much cares for me....then his gurl came back and he became distant again...and now he wants to be frends again...the problem is i dont think i understand him nemore and did he care abt me at netime in a diff way or is it normal for such behaviour ?is he using me? i mean yeah i care abt him and all the good times we had earlier but i just cant seem to get used to all this ...i cant be in a grey area i like things black n white.... also when we are together i feel really good n happy and i heart of heart do not want to loose him ,but this cannot continue ...i have spoken to him abt it but nuthing seems to work... please help me figure this one out.....i am very confused abt all these signs...did he ever like me or is it platonic is it ok to be soo close to someone and not have attraction... ps: has has not broken off in his realtionship permanently. aqua Link to post Share on other sites
jadedalways645 Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 Hey Fish, you know I was thinking about this and why does this pattern happen all the time and the truth is I have no idea. So I asked some of my other girl-friends about it and all I can tell you is what they told me (It was just like a sewing circle, dish, dish, dish). Maybe the same will apply to you. First I asked one of my friends that did turn into a relationship, and she told me that one thing girls have told her about me is that I am such a wonderful person that they wait for the other shoe to drop (so to speak).They want to know if I am genuine and not putting up a front because I have always attracted girls that have been in bad relationships and are not trusting of guys. The second one told me that some girls don't want to get with some guys because they feel that will be the only one that they stay with forever (I know that sounds like a crock but this comment seemed to get them all excited). I'll post the rest later. The girl that I was talking about in the post is coming home from college tonight and we are meeting up. But truthfully, there is a part of me that does not really want to see her. I will let you know how it goes. -Jade Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 hi fish, i think that she needs you and tht is a difference like the days she calls you soo many times and wants to hang out but when u agree she flirts with other ppl is a way of her judging you...her thought process could be like "ok i try so hard to meet up with him ". when u do say yes she thinks ohh he said yes because he feels bad and tht i have asked him too many times so she goes out of her way to flirt and try n judge if u do care abt her or u came out of sympathy...she is showing basic signs of insecurity...do you know why her relationship with her ex ended? i dont know if wot i have written is of help to you i hope it is... as for my prev reply it was for the wrong thread but i wud really like ur input on it... aqua Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 17, 2005 Author Share Posted September 17, 2005 hey aqua, i read what you wrote, and it sounds to me like you are very much infatuated with this guy, and he trusts you a lot. this is the reason why he feels like he can confide in you. he probably does have some feelings for you, but not in the same sense that you would hope. you need to give him some time before you can try to start something with him if he is not with his wife anymore. he probably stopped calling and etc. because his wife may be a jealous person and he felt that it would only add tension for her to know that you were that close and that he had such a good girlfriend. you need to think about what can realistically happen. it will take time for him to get over his wife and for now, you need to be on your toes with him and just wait to see what transpires. things will make themselves clear to you with time. a relationship is certainly not out of the question, but there is no sense rushing things. i would talk to him about why he ignored you for so long, that behavior makes his me skeptical of his intentions. but just see how it goes. jade, i have heard that type of stuff from my girlfriends all the time. in face i have had situations similar to the one they described to you. i have hooked up with a girl and that i have not really cared all that much about and had them say that if they could be with me they would never want to be with anyone else, so it happens, but hearing them talk about that has always scared me. as far as the girl and your seeing her, i know what you mean about not wanting to go and meet up with her, its hard when you know that you can see them, but know that it is going to hurt more when it wont work out, it has happened to me with this girl, i actually dread hanging out with her sometimes because i feel like i am kidding myself by going, but i go anyways, because in the back of my mind i have this wierd hope that it might be the night where she tells me that she has made up her mind and wants to stop fooling around and just be with me, or whatever. the truth is i know she wont say that, but i like being around her so much that i subject myself to the torture that comes with seeing her and knowing that it probably wont work out. regardless, i am sure your situation wont turn out as horribly as mine has. i hung out with her last night and at first she was all over me and then it was like i was just a trophy she was carrying around showing all her friends. (the problem with having made a name for myself) she has this guy friend who she has been hanging out with and i know that he doesnt much care for me hanging out with her because of my reputation, and because i think he really likes her. i saw him pull her out of the bar the first chance he got. i didnt really much care. either way, i am more confused than ever about what i should do about this girl. i am just going to keep my distance right now. she needs a little time to grow up. i am not mad at her, i am just not sure of what i should be doing at this point, and all she ever tels me is how much she misses me and misses hanging out with me, but whatever. anyways friend, i hope you night with your girl goes well, i am sure that it will and i am sure that you will gain more insight into how she feels and what is possible. let me know how it goes. have a good night, and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 hey fish, i know how u feel when you meet her but u know its going to hurt you u even more after this is over u will kick urself if she does not come clean...i wud seriously ask u to play cool when she calls behave like her show some attitude because if u keep going she will know she can treat u nehow. u know if she really likes u maybe a little distance might make her realize tht if she does not make her self clr she can lose u...believe me it will be a very self concious effort but it does work....please dont loose urself in the i miss u and i care etc..talk to her tell her tht if she does she shud show it not just say it empty words dont really have ne worth... i hope this advice is useul or u can make some sense out of it thanx for ur advice,the woman he was with was not his wife kinda like tht though thts y i used the term hitched they were behaving like they were practically married and yeah i guess she was jealous.you know it is very difficult to understand for me ,as i have spoken to him abt his reactions and he just asks me to let it go n tht was a phase of his life tht he could not talk to neone so he pretended with other people to be normal but he told me tht if he had spoken to me, i knowing him best wud have known wot was wrong n he did not feel like talking to me bcoz i am a person whom he always tells the truth to... hearing these words can be flattering but when he did tht again the 2nd time he just ask me to let it go.... i dont get it... wot is all this abt ?m i being used or does he care abt me ?i just dont know..and if we are frends y does he have to first hurt me n then try to make up.. hope u can help me figure this one out aqua Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 17, 2005 Author Share Posted September 17, 2005 well aqua, i know you are probably feeling pretty confused, i had a situation that i think you might benefit from hearing about, so here goes. i had this girl that i was friends with since 7th grade. we were always best friends, when eithre of us would get sick the other would take care of the sick one. we spent nights together, nothing ever happened, slept in the same bed (i hate sleeping alone, and so does she) the thing is, we both really respected each other so much that we would never even want to kiss or anything. well when we got to college, the bond just got stronger, we would fight too, that was the thing, we would fight like we were married, but afterwards, we were even closer. well i got a girlfriend, and she kind of took a back seat, and it hurt her, it almost ended mine and her relationship, and then i realized that the reason she got so angry about my ignoring her was because she actually loved me, it took my getting a girlfriend to make it surface, then she got a boyfriend, and i took a backseat. it made me raginly jealous, i was no longer with the other girl, and now i felt like i was in love with my best friend. either way, her relationship didnt last and my infatuation faded. we became good friends again, but nothing ever happened, from time to time we would both get into relationships and the other would get jealous. then one night we were both drinking and we hadnt seen each other for a while, and we wound up on my couch telling each other that we were both in love with the other, then we hooked up and in the morning we decided that it couldnt happen again. we both decided that at this point, if we started something we would wind up getting married, so we swore to just be friends. either way, it still hurt both of us when we were with other people and the other one saw it, but eventually the friendship deteriorated. the point is, i think the reason our feelings changed the way they did was because i i think we both realized what we had in each other, and genereally speaking, you dont realize what you have in someone until you dont have them anymore, or until something jeopardizes what you have. i think you may be able to benefit from that, hopfully. all i am saying, is that you need to figure out what is going on with you two. i still feel like i lost my best friend. dont let it happen to you, try to figure out what is going on, and dont let 1 night of drunken sex make things wierd, because it happened to me and i feel like it ruined everything. find out what things really are, and dont rush things. i hope that helps at least a little. let me know what you think. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 hey fish, thanks for tht i really connected with tht but the catch here is tht i have another close friend u know with whom i have slept (no sex just because we are so comfy with each other) u know gone shopping discussed everything and he is family to me and i am to him..he has a gurl friend but somehow neither have i taken a backseat nor has his gurl...and we get along fab his gurl n i neither is insecure abt each other ...the funny thing i love this guy to bits but no attraction and believe me when i say i cant have it for him he is one of a kind as a frend.but u know my other realtionship the one i am confused abt is like wot happened with ur frend.it cud be a carbon copy safe for the fact we have never even kissed.... his gurl was insecure abt me for soo long n it showed even when or if we ever met up and u know he keeps saying even now he does not want to loose a frend and neither do i and i am willing to put my feelings aside (as we have neevr had a physical relationship) but i cant seem to meet him halfway even though we are connected in a way i cannot be with neone else. it was right of u to tell me the physical part wud spoil it and even if we got together i dont know if it will work like our frendship does but i wud soo like it to be the same again i do miss him... aqua Link to post Share on other sites
in the water Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 hey itw and jade, thanks for posting replies. itw i like hearing about your situation, you should deifinitely keep in touch about it, sorry i didnt write sooner, i have not been getting emails telling me about recent postings for some reason. if he said that it isnt over, you should have told him to go f- himself. dont let yourself be treated poorly, i dont even know you except through these postings and i can already say that you dont deserve it, no one deserves to have their feelings played with. i have just been keeping distance from this girl, and i have been getting a lot of attention from her because of it. but i have also gotten into some trouble. her roomate saw me the other night at a bar and asked me if i would have sex with her, i was dumbfounded, like what does she think is going on with me and her roommate? either way, i walked out of the bar because of it. how are all of the things going with your other guys you know? tell me what has been happening, i know it has been a long time and i apologize, but lets get this back on track and keep corresponding, and please dont feel like you shouldnt talk about your things. Hey fish, OK, you're right, I should have told him to go f- himself. And now I am kind of letting myself be treated poorly. We talked a bit earlier this week for the first time in a couple of weeks and now he's contacted me again every day since then... Hung out with him today. And now he's got, I'm pretty sure, a gf. Not sure about this, I'm not about to ask. When we first talked about it he told me that he told her that he didn't want a gf... What the hell am I doing? One of my gfs told me today that when he comes up to me in the bar and plants one on my mouth and holds my face and gazes into my eyes that he's telling all of the other guys in the bar that I'm his. So, yeah, I guess that it is like that. Another one of my friends said that he "wants to keep me." That I'm "Ms. Right," but that the other girl is "Ms. Right Now." Whatever. I swear that this happens to me all of the time. They figure out after it's over that I'm it. It's happened like 5 times!! Regardless it's going to make it hard for me to meet new boys when he's doing this kind of stuff to me and my feelings are starting to get played with a bit. But I like him. He's talking to me again about how he feels. Why? No, I've not hung out with any of the other boys. I get offers and then I'm just not too into it. I've got to get ready to start dating again here sometime soon. This not being ready to date someone seriously is messing up my emotional state by me screwing around with this FWB. Anyway, god I'm so sorry that your thing with your girl has gotten so out of control. Her roommate propositioned you?! Ew. What the hell was she thinking? So are you guys sleeping together again? Or is that over still? It is kind of like torture, when you know that that's all that she wants and you want more. FWBs, I swear, can be so silly. Someone told me when I started mine that it ALWAYS ends up with one person caring more than the over. Truthfully, I don't know how it can end up any other way. Even when it's stated at the beginning that nothing is going to happen, no gf, no bf. Oops, gotta run! I'll finish later. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 18, 2005 Share Posted September 18, 2005 hey itw and fish, it is true in such cases one ends up caring more than the other because they end up making the transitions faster...in ur case sleeping or fooling around with one another ended up putting u in a place which i can imagine all this hurts like crazy....i mean i hurt when i have had nuthing physical going on in my situation....the thing is or wot i have been told by my frends is tht i am letting him walk all over me...each time he comes back we go back to as it was mode till he leaves again...the decision shud not be his but urs.....if he leaves he has to know he cannot come back at least not as it was he has to try n do it all over again or stay away....honestly speaking a true frend be it be a guy or a gurl dont do such things.... i have another close frend like the one u were talking abt fish and he n i are like family to each other but he has never left me in the lurch even after he started going around....he is still there like how in a gurls case her gurlfrend is and in a guys case his best buddy is....we still hang out call each other n know evrything going on in each others life..... he knows how imp he is to me the point i am trying to make here is tht if someone actually cares abt u then he/she wud never behave like this.... now coming back to y i am still hngover abt the other guy.... only bcoz i love him i cant easily make the transition of lettting him go only becoz of the prior good times....and tht is wot i think happens to evryone... i cant let go and i give in to the sweet words each time letting him walk all over me............... i dont know if he likes me becoz if he doesnt then it shud not be hard for him to leave and stay away....i mean if he cares atleast as a frend then he shud be one and help me move on not get or put everyguy i meet down in someway or the other................. these were all my theories and reasonings i dont know if either of u found nething useful ..i hope u did...lemme know how things work out.... aqua Link to post Share on other sites
jadedalways645 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Got back from the weekend and I screwed up. We met up and just had fun like we always do. We went to a party and truthfully we were acting distant from one another. But the next morning, she was touching me a whole lot and just acting like my girlfriend. You know how that is, when you act like you are both the only people in the room. Well she wanted to talk to me later and I said I would when the party died down. We all went outside and I guess we were being too loud because the cops came and I went to jail for a traffic ticket that I had forgotten about. When I talked to my mom this morning she told me that she had called her and told her I was in jail and my mom told me that she was devestated and could barely get the words out. Well I got out this morning because the cops had screwed up.I went over to her house and she was pissed at me and gave me my keys to my car and my phone and clearly didn't want me to be there. This problem has come up before because she told me one night that she was afraid that I was still living that lifestyle and she was not sure that she could get involved with someone that had a past. I have been doing very good but she is afraid that I will go back one day (even though I swear that phase of my life is over with). Well anyway she is acting really distant now and she will not talk about it. I don't know what to do because her friend told me that I really screwed up even though it was not my fault. I will need some insight because she has been screwed over before by guys and she might be thinking that I am about to do it to her. Let me know what you think. -Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 Hey fish, OK, you're right, I should have told him to go f- himself. And now I am kind of letting myself be treated poorly. We talked a bit earlier this week for the first time in a couple of weeks and now he's contacted me again every day since then... Hung out with him today. And now he's got, I'm pretty sure, a gf. Not sure about this, I'm not about to ask. When we first talked about it he told me that he told her that he didn't want a gf... What the hell am I doing? One of my gfs told me today that when he comes up to me in the bar and plants one on my mouth and holds my face and gazes into my eyes that he's telling all of the other guys in the bar that I'm his. So, yeah, I guess that it is like that. Another one of my friends said that he "wants to keep me." That I'm "Ms. Right," but that the other girl is "Ms. Right Now." Whatever. I swear that this happens to me all of the time. They figure out after it's over that I'm it. It's happened like 5 times!! Regardless it's going to make it hard for me to meet new boys when he's doing this kind of stuff to me and my feelings are starting to get played with a bit. But I like him. He's talking to me again about how he feels. Why? No, I've not hung out with any of the other boys. I get offers and then I'm just not too into it. I've got to get ready to start dating again here sometime soon. This not being ready to date someone seriously is messing up my emotional state by me screwing around with this FWB. Anyway, god I'm so sorry that your thing with your girl has gotten so out of control. Her roommate propositioned you?! Ew. What the hell was she thinking? So are you guys sleeping together again? Or is that over still? It is kind of like torture, when you know that that's all that she wants and you want more. FWBs, I swear, can be so silly. Someone told me when I started mine that it ALWAYS ends up with one person caring more than the over. Truthfully, I don't know how it can end up any other way. Even when it's stated at the beginning that nothing is going to happen, no gf, no bf. Oops, gotta run! I'll finish later. hey ITW, i just got your latest messege. i dont know what frustrates me more, the way you are getting treated by this guy, or my own situation. its funny, when i look around at my friends and their respective others, its disheartening to know that they are all happy and i am not for this one reason. one thing that i have thought about in reading your posts but have never said anything about, is how you keep using the term "FWB." unfortuntaly, i really dont think term applies here, as you recieve no benefit from being stepped on. i know that i am taking it very literally and taking an oversimplistic view point towards it, but this guy is really playing you, and he has the gall to to call you when you saw him with some other girl. i know that you know the right thing to do, but i know that it is hard. in fact i dont think i would be able to do it, but the bottom line is, would you ever do that to him? i think you know that if the shoe were on the other foot you are a far better person than that, and you wouldnt. if you have other guys that you can date, do it. you know, it had always been my motto that life is a simple thing. from the time you are born, to the time you die, you live for a finite number of seconds. if you do the math, you can figure out just how many seconds that is, but it is a finite number nonetheless, and you never get to live one of those seconds over. every moment someone makes you feel happy, they are helping you live that second for the fullest, and everytime someone makes you sad or makes you cry, they are taking that second away from you. and no one has the right to take that from you. if this guy has already cost you countless seconds by making you sad, dont let him take anymore, find someone who can make you happy, dont subject yourself to anymore lost seconds. i know that sounds cheesy and whatever, but to be honest its the truth, and i have lost touch with my own model for life. i let this girl take seconds away from me, seconds that i can never get back, and all i have ever done is make her feel good. either way, i am more than done with it. i will be friends with her, but thats as far as it will go. i think that if you really like this guy, you should either tell him how you feel and tell him you want a straight answer, (which you deserve) or, you can just move on. my opinion, which really doesnt mean much, as i am a nobody, is move on, be happy, find someone else. this guy doesnt matter any, dont spend time thinking about someone that you are obviously too good for. you make the choice and dont let this happen to you anymore. i know i sound like an afterschool special, but this is the only kind of thinking that makes me feel better, and it adds meaning to my life, so i thought maybe it would help you. either way. my situation is not even important anymore, but i hope yours is getting better. just let me know how everything is going. -the fish- Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 hey itw and fish, it is true in such cases one ends up caring more than the other because they end up making the transitions faster...in ur case sleeping or fooling around with one another ended up putting u in a place which i can imagine all this hurts like crazy....i mean i hurt when i have had nuthing physical going on in my situation....the thing is or wot i have been told by my frends is tht i am letting him walk all over me...each time he comes back we go back to as it was mode till he leaves again...the decision shud not be his but urs.....if he leaves he has to know he cannot come back at least not as it was he has to try n do it all over again or stay away....honestly speaking a true frend be it be a guy or a gurl dont do such things.... i have another close frend like the one u were talking abt fish and he n i are like family to each other but he has never left me in the lurch even after he started going around....he is still there like how in a gurls case her gurlfrend is and in a guys case his best buddy is....we still hang out call each other n know evrything going on in each others life..... he knows how imp he is to me the point i am trying to make here is tht if someone actually cares abt u then he/she wud never behave like this.... now coming back to y i am still hngover abt the other guy.... only bcoz i love him i cant easily make the transition of lettting him go only becoz of the prior good times....and tht is wot i think happens to evryone... i cant let go and i give in to the sweet words each time letting him walk all over me............... i dont know if he likes me becoz if he doesnt then it shud not be hard for him to leave and stay away....i mean if he cares atleast as a frend then he shud be one and help me move on not get or put everyguy i meet down in someway or the other................. these were all my theories and reasonings i dont know if either of u found nething useful ..i hope u did...lemme know how things work out.... aqua Aqua, dont let this thing get you down. this game he is playing is a bunch of bs. friends dont jerk around their friends, especially ones as good as you and him were. if he were realy your friend he would see how hurt you are by his actions and he would stop. if he wants to keep you as a friend, as he says he does, he would not put you through this. if he really "doesnt want to lose you" he is being a pretty big hypocrit, wouldnt you agree? and if it is true, and if he doesnt want to hurt you, then he obviously knows just how special of a person you are. if you want a relationship with him, you obviously care about him. and you kow he cares about you. but tell him how it made tyou feel that he hurt you. if he is a good person he will apologize and he will know what he did was wrong. best friends do make the best relationships. and he is showing at least some interest in you as more than just a chum. so that said, i think your friends maybe right, maybe he is scared that if he gets involved with you he might find perfection and is afraid of the commitment. i know that is how i felt. and i have been in both roles, i have been the bvad friend, and i have been the one who has falen for my friend. if he makes you happy, tell him so, games are cruel and too many relationships are lost by people who get lost in the translation of the game, and who are too afraid to stop playing the game and just be honest with the person and themselves. there is no right or wrong way to do these types of things. but i honestly feel like you need to do what will make you happy. if this guy is the one who you will be happiest with then go for it, head on. if you feel like if you wake up next to this person every morning for the rest of your life, you will be waking up having everything you have always wanted, then this is the right guy for you. i hope you found at least something in this, i am sorry i cant give you any better advice, but honestly i dont have the answer to your problem, i wish i did, all i can do is tell me how i would feel. but the rest is up to you, sorry i am on a rambling kick tonight, but i hope you have taken at least something out of this, just let me know what you think. good luck. -the fish- Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 Got back from the weekend and I screwed up. We met up and just had fun like we always do. We went to a party and truthfully we were acting distant from one another. But the next morning, she was touching me a whole lot and just acting like my girlfriend. You know how that is, when you act like you are both the only people in the room. Well she wanted to talk to me later and I said I would when the party died down. We all went outside and I guess we were being too loud because the cops came and I went to jail for a traffic ticket that I had forgotten about. When I talked to my mom this morning she told me that she had called her and told her I was in jail and my mom told me that she was devestated and could barely get the words out. Well I got out this morning because the cops had screwed up.I went over to her house and she was pissed at me and gave me my keys to my car and my phone and clearly didn't want me to be there. This problem has come up before because she told me one night that she was afraid that I was still living that lifestyle and she was not sure that she could get involved with someone that had a past. I have been doing very good but she is afraid that I will go back one day (even though I swear that phase of my life is over with). Well anyway she is acting really distant now and she will not talk about it. I don't know what to do because her friend told me that I really screwed up even though it was not my fault. I will need some insight because she has been screwed over before by guys and she might be thinking that I am about to do it to her. Let me know what you think. -Jade hey jade, i am really sorry to hear about your night going poorly. after reading over your posting though, i really dont think you are in an unfixable situation. here is my initial analysis. the tension you saw at first, where she and you were both quiet is good. that kind of tension usually shows that both of you are nevou around the other, and that is a good thing. usually its sexual tension. about the whole jail thing, i should tell you that i have a lot of experience with this type of situation. she thinks you are living a lifestyle that you are too old for and that she does not want to be a part of. essentially she is afraid that you are will screw her over, and that you will show apathy towards a relationship. you need to show her that you actually do care. here is how i would play it, and this has actually worked for me in the past, i did almost the exact same thing with a girl i was seeing about a year ago, after i got thrown in jail for getting into a bar fight. what you ned to do is send her flowers with an apology (i am not for sending flowers ever, but in this case it really should be done) on the card with the flowers write an apology along with a dinner invite for that night make it say something like "i am really sorry about what happened the other night, please dont think this is the way i am, i really want to make it up to you tonight, if you can forgive me, meet me at 'blank' for dinner." you can write whatever you want, but have her meet you rather than picking her up, keep in mind she will probably show up late just to f-with your mind. more about the card, whatever you decide to write on the card make sure it makes reference to her concerns, if she has said, "i dont like the lifestyle you lead" you write "i know you have concerns about the lifestyle i lead, but i can assure you that part of me is done" (that was just an example, but you get what i am saying) the reason i say to do that is because she will respond much better to you directly addressing her concerns in two ways, A. she will be put at ease by the fact that you went out of your way for her and that you actually care enough to address her feels etc, B. by directly quoting something she has said, you are showing her that you listen, and listening is a good thing, especialy if she thinks that you do it, it will put ALL of concerns to rest. then by telling her to meet you you not only get a chance to make things right, but if she shows, you KNOW that she likes you. oh most important, after you send the flowers, dont answer the phone if she calls, she will leave you a messege, see what it says, and if he asks you later why you didnt answer whe she called, tell her you were in the gym for like 3 hours or something. at dinner make sure you are yourself, dont try to overly impress her, be yourself, that is the most important thing i can tell you, if you are yourself, she will know, and if you fake the funk so to speak she will sniff out the BS, show her that by being yourself, you are actually not living the lifestyle that she obviously doesnt want to be a part of, show her that the other night was just a fluke. like i said, i have been in very similar situations to yours in the past. this method worked for me. generally speaking, there are no concrete rules to fixing this, but i think that if you really like this girl and show her that you are genuine and that the other night wont happen again she will feel at ease and feel good about seeing you. and btw, her friend is a real bitch for telling you that you really screwed up. the final thing i have to say is this, when you do see her again, just try to make the night awesome, dont go to the fanciest retaraunt in town, go to the one thats the most fun, any guy can take any girl to the nicest resaraunt, but if you show her a fun time, i always abide by the rule, any date can be fancy, not all of them can be fun. if you have a fun time she will want to go out with you again because everyone likes having fun. anyways jade, all i can tell you is what has worked for me, i really hope everything goes well for you, and i hope this helps you at least a little. let me know what you think and let me know how everything turns out. -the fish- Link to post Share on other sites
jadedalways645 Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 Some pretty sound words, you just said. You know, I'll bet we were cut from the same mold since we can always dispense great relationship advice and thorough analysis into situations but when it's our turn at bat we are as lost as a newborn (how's that for irony? hah). It is pretty cool though, since it would seem you have been become sort of a guru for some people on this post. Thx for listening though. To elaborate on what I had posted earlier on a different post, the only reason why we get stuck in these situations is becasue we are looking for love and not just sex. It's a rare gift to be like that in today's day and age, because I have lost girls before because I wouldn't have sex with them at first. Sorry but that is just the way I am. It cracks me up now how the measure of a man is by how much sex he gets, but how can it be special to one person when you are sharing it with everyone else. Not my cup of tea I'm afraid. Good adivce, but she went back to college yesterday. I did write her a very sincere and very heartwarming e-mail though. She is coming back next weekend though because our annual Ren fest is about to start and Nine Inch Nails is coming to town and we have tickets for that. Honestly though, in light of the recent events, I really do think my love for this girl may be genuine. I confronted my fears and I really know that all I want is for her to be happy. It's not like I can't get another girl but none are as interesting as her. Didn't you say you were going through the same thing right now? We have pined, now it's your turn for some advice. But in closing of my situation, I don't think the damage is permanent. I was told another thing that had upset her so bad was that she couldn't bear seeing me being led away like some animal. Well anyway, here's to love and all the joys and sorrows that it brings us everyday. Like that line from that Rise Against song, "If love is a labor, I'll slave till the end." -Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 Some pretty sound words, you just said. You know, I'll bet we were cut from the same mold since we can always dispense great relationship advice and thorough analysis into situations but when it's our turn at bat we are as lost as a newborn (how's that for irony? hah). It is pretty cool though, since it would seem you have been become sort of a guru for some people on this post. Thx for listening though. To elaborate on what I had posted earlier on a different post, the only reason why we get stuck in these situations is becasue we are looking for love and not just sex. It's a rare gift to be like that in today's day and age, because I have lost girls before because I wouldn't have sex with them at first. Sorry but that is just the way I am. It cracks me up now how the measure of a man is by how much sex he gets, but how can it be special to one person when you are sharing it with everyone else. Not my cup of tea I'm afraid. Good adivce, but she went back to college yesterday. I did write her a very sincere and very heartwarming e-mail though. She is coming back next weekend though because our annual Ren fest is about to start and Nine Inch Nails is coming to town and we have tickets for that. Honestly though, in light of the recent events, I really do think my love for this girl may be genuine. I confronted my fears and I really know that all I want is for her to be happy. It's not like I can't get another girl but none are as interesting as her. Didn't you say you were going through the same thing right now? We have pined, now it's your turn for some advice. But in closing of my situation, I don't think the damage is permanent. I was told another thing that had upset her so bad was that she couldn't bear seeing me being led away like some animal. Well anyway, here's to love and all the joys and sorrows that it brings us everyday. Like that line from that Rise Against song, "If love is a labor, I'll slave till the end." -Jade well my friend, it sounds to me from your post that you are feling a little bit better about the situation. if i were you, i might still send her flowers...even if its at college, i think it would go a LONG way. you were definitely right about how the both of us may have been cut from a similar mold. my life has been filled with girls and relationships that have worked out and not worked out. its funny i came to college and i started out with a bang, it seemed like i had a different girl in my bed almost every night, as much as i am ashamed to admit that, as it only makes me seem like a real jerk, and as much as i want to be ashamed of what i did, i am not. of all the girls i have hooked up with, i am on bad terms with only 1 of them. i hang out with the majority of them on a regular basis, we talk on the phone, we hang out, i have met their boyfriends, they cry on my shoulder, everything. it is like every one of them has become my best friend. but now, i think that since i am older, i dont want that anymore, i almost feel like i have evolved into a point where i want something more. the problem is, now i have developed a reputation that is probably well deserved, but it has still inhibitted me being able to get anything more than just hook-ups. its very hard to change people's preconcieved notions of who you are. and i think that is the problem with this girl. we met, everything was awesome, i didnt want anything to come of it, but then she pursued me, from that point we were inseperable, and then it died out. i felt like i was trying to pull her in. i have never done that before. things started to fizzle so i let them, it was honestly painful for me to be around her because i always felt like someone was dangling her in front of me and i couldnt have her. i think that was part of ther reason i liked her so much. i just kind of let things go, because it hurt so bad for me to try to force it, and it really shouldnt be forced. but when i let go, she started coming after me again. she knows how i feel about her, but i think she is at a point right now where she just wants something different than what i do. not that there is anything wrong with that. i think what i am going to try to do is just let it go at this point. i graduate in may from here so i dont want to be waste my last two semesters chasing after something that does not want to be caught. its been a crazy 3 years of college, when i came here in 2002 i never thought that coming to an out of school would be like this, i never thought i would have made such a big transition in how i viewed relationships. but i guess that at this point i am just ready for something different. maybe i have grown up. i just think that although i made some good friends, and had a good time, i approached girls the wrong way when i got to college. now that i am older and wiser, i am not interesting in continuing to my ways. i am glad that you have been able to find something in what i have written. hopefully you will talk to her soon and things will go back to normal. i think my situation is over, and i am not mad about it. things either work or they dont, there really isnt too much room for a grey area. i am sure i will find someone else soon enough. but its still hard to pretend i dont have feelings for this girl, because i obviously do. either way, let me know how things transpire for you. -the fish- Link to post Share on other sites
jadedalways645 Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 Yeah, i know the pain of getting what you don't want and not getting what you do want. At least you have enough experience to know the difference. The past does have a tendency to catch up with you and there really is nothing that you can do about it. Isn't it funny how when you treated women like crap they are all over you, yet when you want something more they want nothing to do with you. That's where I am at right now. I've had a revolving door of women and I never thought nothing of it. Then this girl steps out of the limelight and you don't know how to handle it. At least you have the ability to look at your life with a critical eye and realize it might be time for a change.But you are just graduating from college, so your life has just begun and there is plenty of time for growth.You cannot know what is good and pure, without knowing what is bad and tainted. You seem like a smart individual so you will find what you are looking for. As far as the flowers to my situation, that may be too much for right now. I think that she is at a point where she does not know what she wants, but she does not want to lose me at the same time. The important thing is that I enjoy her company and having lots of girl-friends is a good thing because nothing looks good to a girl than a guy that is cool enough to be friends with a girl and not let sex get in the way. Chin up man, because you know what is good and some people spend there entire lives trying to figure that out. What I have learned in my life is just chill out, have fun and it will all work out in the end. Let me know what you think. -Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Inthedark Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 I had a friend in the same situation. It wasn't that he matured, but that when he lost his sunfish he deeply felt that he lost the best thing ever. People said that there are lots of other fishes in the sea that he could just pick up, but he knew that was the best "one" he ever had. He mourned it for a while. This had a lasting affect on him. Later he got another fish but it was just not the same. The fish was cold and didn't want to be around him. Everytime he tried to look at the fish, it would try to swim away to avoid him at every contact. The new fish could never replace the old fish because the new fish never gave it a chance. So he just gave up on the fish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 20, 2005 Author Share Posted September 20, 2005 hey all, i appreciate your replies. hey in the dark, i like how went with the whole sea theme. i think the bottom line for me is that i hate losing. i am a competitive person, and if i lose and i feel like i have given it my all, then that is one thing, but when you have a situation like mine, i dont know what i CAN do to make this work out. its not like i know what i need to get done for me to accomplish my goals, it more like i am in a position where every move i make will dictate the flow of the game. if i call, i feel like i look desperate, if i dont call, i feel like i am an ass...if i sleep with her i feel like i am being led on, if i dont i feel like i am showing her that i dont like her. at what point do i know what i am supposed to do? and it is funny how you talked about your friend finding another "fish" and how she never compared, i dont like that, not the analogy, just the idea of it, and i know that is how i am starting to feel, and i can see the same thing happening to me. i have never put a girl through this, that i know of, i am not, nor have i ever been a jerk to any of these girls, and if it were someone else in this situation asking me for advice, i would be better at knowing what to do, but in my own situation, i dont have that luxury.vits funny, i have always made fun of my friends who have not been able to admit that they were hung up on a girl, when they know they are, and now i am the one doing exactly that. the truth is, no girl compares to this girl for me. every girl i have met since i met this girl is nothing. i would rather sleep alone than not sleep in the same bed as her. i have never, and i mean NEVER had feelings for a girl like i do for this girl. and now, i dont know what to do. i guess i just have to wait and see what happens. to be honest though, i just think the best plan of action is to start letting go. i just dont see a way for my team to come back, all the players are injured, its the bottom of the ninth, we are down by 10 with 2 outs and our worst player is up to bat with no 2 strikes and a bum elbow batting 0 for the century against their pitcher. (that one is for all you baseball fans) either way, i dont see any closure coming of this anytime soon, but nothing good ever came easy, and everything happens for a reason, and about a million other cliches. hope someone out there has some ideas. thanks all -the fish- Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 hey fish and jade, maturity comes after one has tried many wrongs to find one thing right ..........we haev to always or somewhere down the line live up to our reputations.... maybe the women ur looking at or liking haev not grown up enuf .............there are many things ones does in their past hang out with many gurls/guys sleep with them do drugs etc........but its in the phase of growing up.i am sure the gurls did it too and if they want a relationship they will haev to look past the past and look at the present ......its just an excuse usually u know "oh u know i cant c u like this u have done this b4 how can i trust u"but if someone genuinely likes soemone it shud not bother them because a)either u dont get involved and cut all connections or if ur there learn to give soemone a chance............. i am saying this because to be honest completely i used to be one of those gurls...........the friend i keep talking abt the guy i like ...as he was changing i somehow never looked beyond who i had become friends with never really grew with him...in my mind i wanted him to be the same person always and tht is why today maybe i am having such a hard time because then i was just his friend and today when i want more .........he has become someone i dont know nemore and instead of giving him a chance i keep bringing up the past saying this is not who u were instead of reaching out for who he is today................ i wont say he has not treated me like a doormat because he has .many times he has taken me for granted.........wot i really want to know is tht if a guy cares soo much abt a gurl(he says only as a frend) how come he can just ignore her when he likes and then come back whenever he likes ............is it becoz thts who he was always and i never saw it or tht he has now become someone tht cruel ................. i think my relationship with this guy is beyond redemption wot say............i really cant figure it out and nuthing is logical ne more........i haev had serious likings for ppl b4 many of them were or eventually became frends but this is one situation i absolutely cannot fathom........ another thing i want to know is this guy has recently moved away and is in a diff continent ....communication has become practically stilted because he is reall busy adjusting with new things n studies etc and i am at home at present.....i kno i haev all the time to talk but i wud like him to initiate conversations at least sometimes but he doesnt do it ........says he is busy all the time ........i believe him this time but soemtimes it gets hard when he has ignored me earlier at ne time n then chatted up so i dunno......shud i continue talking to him be distant wot ................ i hope u can help me and make sense of wot i haev written aqua Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 it sounds tough bro been thgere done that. you just gotta walk away. Meet new people ....be open to something new;) Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 In this situation, initiate the physical contact if you want to have sex with her (use protection) and be direct and let her know this is exactly what you want. If she holds back or refuses or doesn't want this, then back off and then GET OUT of the relationship. Do not hang with any woman who manipulates and isn't direct or forthcoming about what she wants. In most cases you are just being used for her own selfish needs. You want a physical relationship. If she won't give you that then don't mess around with DRAMA. Let go and move on quickly. There are plenty of women out there who will be clear and direct with you and provide that. Don't be friends with her as she will treat you like a girlfriend and use you for ego boost and sympathy. Good luck. regards Mike Link to post Share on other sites
Wherethesunshines Posted September 20, 2005 Share Posted September 20, 2005 Im with you Andrew J. I once been there. 3 years waiting felt like 6. Its weird because my mom left a message on my phone over the weekend, telling me to keep my mouth shut and leave her be. But yesterday, I finally found my peace. I found the courage to walk away. My EX called me today and it didn't bother me. My car broke down and I didn't even try to call her for help. It was not till today that I heard the message while waiting to fix the car. The moral of the story is that the future is yet to unfold. You get on with your life, just as others will too. I no longer had any fright of knowing that I be without her. Yeah she was everything to me, even extremely creative in all her plots. But I strive for the best, so I am going to see the rest. Time will only tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thefish Posted September 21, 2005 Author Share Posted September 21, 2005 hey guys and gals, thanks for all of your insight, i have a lot of trouble typing these posts, i feel like i am whining. i guess we all come to a point where we run into a problem we have never experienced before. i am just in limbo right now, and it really sucks. it seems like the common theme for my situation is for everyone to say to let it go. and i really have been considering that, i think is going to have to be my plan of action unfortunately. its just hard to give up on things when you are a competitive person. but either way, i guess i cant expect to win them all. thanks for all the insight so far everyone, i will keep you all posted with any emerging details, but for now, i hope everyone else is doing much better than i am. hear from you all soon Link to post Share on other sites
jadedalways645 Posted September 21, 2005 Share Posted September 21, 2005 I was going to write something but I just turned on the news on they said the Hurricane just hit Category 4 and now there is a mandatory evacuation for my area so I got to get out of Dodge. I'm gonna get out but I kind of would like to see the thing in action, since there is nothing more humbling then watching the awesome power of nature first hand. Here's hoping I don't lose everything. -Later: Link to post Share on other sites
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