Whats she thinking?

[Jackripp]

Allright, I will tell the whole story here, because I really need to know what she is thinking. I have been with this woman for 2 years. I went to the Army for a 4 month span in the middle of our relationship. Ill admit, it screwed me up. I treated her badly after that and i was controlling. Only myself to blame. Anyway a few months later she goes on vaction with friends and cheats on me. We break up, she needs 'to fix her own problems" i need to fix mine. I never really got over it, just a month later we ended up back together. Things were worse than before, now not only was I controlling, but i was untrusting and somtimes not attached and unloving. I honestly didnt relize it till she just recently broke up with me a few weeks ago. I relize it now, and I worked a lot of my problems out on my own. I feel I can treat her a lot better, and I know what I lost. Now I want her back to show her how better I am. We have done fun stuff twice so far, went on a vacation, and a motorcyle poker run. She has had ALOT of fun on both. She claims it to be the best we have ever been. I agree. Anyways, I told her that I want her back as my girlfriend. She said not now. i told her i understood. We talk about it somtimes and I asked it it was because she thought that I would change back to my old ways, she said a little, but thats not it. I said I wanted her back but I was not going to wait around for her. She said thats exactly what she wanted to hear. Now what is she thinking? I know there is no other guy or anything like that. She says she really thinks i deserve a second chance too, just not now.

 

Thanks !

[jadedjessie]

She's just being cautious. She wants to make absolutely sure that you won't turn back into your controlling self. She likes to hear that you want to be with her but won't wait forever because that shows her that you aren't desperate or obsessed with her, which would just scare her off. I'd say these are all good signs for you. She's putting some real consideration into taking you back. Just continue to be her friend and show her that changed side of you and she will love it and come running right back! This is your time to prove yourself to her. Don't let her down.

[jackripp]

Thanks Jessie, that Is what i had hopped for, you are a women so I would hope you know. Any advice on what I need to be doing or not doing? I would like to try to give you insight on your situation. Ill look for your thread.

 

Cory

[Jackripp]

Thanks your the only one thats told me that. Other people think shes moved on and dosnt want me. Or dosnt want to feel guilty for me waiting on her. I am begining to think that too.

 

I don't get why she said "I'm trying to get over you" and "I think you deserve a second chance" but then again she says she dosnt know if we are going to be back together in the future..God Jessie your a girl so mabey you know best. What are some things I can do, or shouldnt do.

 

Also

 

We talked today, she previously said we could do somthing this week. I asked her about that and she said yeah. I asked if she was sure and if she didnt think she was ready, or if it wouldnt help her, then It wouldnt hurt me not to do somthing. (though it really would, I just want her to get better) She said it would be better next week then. Woah. That sucks... But ok. hmm do you think it would work to not talk to her till next week?

 

Anything at all would help.

 

Thanks so much

[jadedjessie]

Okay, here's what you should do... You won't see her until next week right? Give her a call only once during the middle of the week and ask her how she's doing and take full interest in everything she has to say. Then don't talk to her again until you guys are going to hang out. This will get her interested in what you're up to, and show her your caring side. If she says she's busy or anything like that, tell her to give you a call when she can, but don't call her back. Wait for her to call you, no matter how long it takes. This lets her know you aren't desperate, but that you do care.

 

As for her not being sure about you two hanging out and her saying she wanted to get over you, again, she is just being cautious. She's scared of what might happen if she takes you back. She doesn't want to let you control her. Just be her friend and show her how much you've changed. Don't be too eager to ask her to take you back. Let her come to you when she's ready. Make yourself appealing to her. Show her a good time. She will come around when she's ready.

 

Good luck and God bless!

[Jackripp]

Thanks

 

She said she wants me to see other people, thinks it might be good for me. I am begining to think she dont ever want me back.. i am not contacting her till thursday. I am going to try. I typed an email, but didnt send it. I shoudlnt shouldd i>

 

grr So hmm

 

When i said, i want you back, but i am not waiting on her. made her feel good because now she dosnt feel guilty about the break up, and she has no plans of getting back togther.. but she keeps saying she thinks i deeerve a 2nd changce.

 

Any other opinions

 

please?

[jadedjessie]

As for that email, it depends on the contents. It's starting to sound like this girl is getting over you and thinks you're getting over her as well. I say, send along an email that fully explains all the steps you've taken to better yourself, then sweet talk her a little bit. Tell her about how you'd love a second chance to prove yourself to her. Then, top it off by sounding completely not desperate. Tell her you understand why she made her decision and that you can accept it if you must. This isn't sure to work. It really all depends on how much she loves and cares for you. If it's a lot, this will charm the pants off her (maybe literally lol). But if she's more over you than not, this could just get under her skin. It's kind of a risky move there. She sounds like she's slipping out of your grasp. When you two hang out be sure and show her that you're definately worth a second chance. Have fun, flirt with her, make eye contact and smile at her, and maybe even try a little bit of chivalry, it's not completely dead you know! I'm flip-flop on whether or not you should send that email, but definately try what I said in regards to the date (or whatever if its not a "date" lol). Good luck to you, I hope she can see how much you really want her back and are trying your hardest to sweep her off her feet.

[Jackripp]

I am not sounding desprate at all when I talk to her. i asked her for a second chance and she just said not right now. She has also said she is trying to get over me. I think it is so confusing. Also she said the last few times we hung out she has had a GREAT time, the best times we ever had together..

 

Right at first when we see eachother again it is a little different, but then when we start talking and doing stuff it feels the same and is good. By the end of the day things are always really good between us, but then there is time apart and it starts all over.. I know not talking to her may be good, but talking to her may be good that she wont regress back to the way she is after a few days of not talking.

 

I just dont know what to do. Call her, let her alone and not see her for a month, but then im afraid shell completley move on while now when we see eachother our relationship gets reveived each time.

 

 

I want to ask for my second chance now, but a few days ago she said not now.

[J dub]

Honestly I dont blame her for being extra cautious. This relationship is overflowing with resentment and negativity because she cheated on you and then you flipped the script on her and became controlling and whatnot.

 

Do you really think you want HER back? Or was it just the way she made/makes you FEEL? Because keep in mind a lot of times its not necessarily the person we miss from a relationship but the way they acted to make you feel certain emotions. There are MANY other people who can make you feel those very same emotions, without all the extra baggage of a previous relationship-gone-sour situation.

 

I think the only way you could work this out is by taking a long time apart. When a relationship ends for smaller more minute things like lack of time to be together and lack of effort to show the other their feelings, those are relatively easy things to identify and fix. It's a matter of teaching yourself new habits.

 

But when there has been infidelity, lying, etc and thats what ultimately causes the break, its pretty safe to say it'll be a vicious cycle if you get back together. She obviously cheated because she wasnt happy -- sure its selfish as all hell but bare in mind -- she didnt tell you what she needed otherwise you'd probably have given it to her and prevented the whole situation to begin with, am I right?

 

You never really know what you had until its gone.

 

I would most definitely say you need to cut ties with her. Just stop calling and work on yourself and your life. You both have some growing to do on your own before you can fuse together your lives.

[Jackripp]

Havnt talked to her for 3 days. I guess we are still doing somthing on sat. I dunno. But this may be childish but I want to know if it would be ok to do it.

 

At the begining of our realtionship I was going through a hard time and she sent me a car it said "DIBS" I called you and noone else can have you, your mine" And she wrote in it how special i was and how different I was and she liked it. Now On sat I am thinking about giving it back to her, and saying I cant keep just being just your friend.

 

and then i will start NC for awhile.

 

sound to childish? Will it backfire? In the end i want her back, I dont want her just to be my friend though.

 

Thanks

[Jackripp]

She called today. said she was better and felt really good. She had been depressed for the past few days. I didn't even ask for her back. I said that i think we have wanted different things, that i wanted to be more than friends, and she just wanted to be friends. and that i didn't (couldn't) really hang out with her this weekend. She said ok. Then I said I had to go.

 

I guess now I am going to start NC with her, just so she can miss me or whatever. and I can start moving on. I just wonder if the NC will work or if shell think i am just being mean to her.

 

I guess this is day 0 no contact. Well se what happens.

 

Opionions wanted and needed. What do you think this will do? or do you think i should hang out somtime with her so she can see i changed, she has repetedly said the past few weekends have ben the funnest we have had together.?

[J dub]

The biggest mistake one can make is to do X to get someone else to do Y. You cannot predict or force anyone into doing something they dont want to do. If they do it on their own, great. Then you know its their own, unbiased decision.

 

But enforcing NC is not to get your ex back, please do not fall in to the trap of thinking "If I cut her off, surely she'll come back to me". The point of NC is to MOVE ON. Get your life together and focus on yourself. IF she comes back, which she may not, then you can cross that bridge with a better understanding of what you want. But I hear far too often that people think if they cut off their loved one from contact, that is going to "work" to get the person back. Big mistake, because usually they do not and if youre not moving on, youre holding on to false hope and wasting your time on someone who does not want you.

 

Also, the card thing? It's only going to pi$$ her off to give back something to her that she gave to you. She meant it at the time, give her some credit. People change their minds, they mature, etc...if you give it back to her she's going to be enraged and totally disgusted with the lack of maturity. Sorry if that sounds harsh but youre letting your emotions talk too much and youre not thinking clearly right now. Youre trying to DO things to instigate HER to do something. Stop it!

[Jackripp]

I guess when I posted that it was just how I was feeling at the time. I dont plan on giving it back, lol.

 

I know the NC will help me move on, but i have heard that it does also make your ex want you back. I'm not going to lie, i still do want her back AND I KNOW NC WILL HELP ME GET OVER HER TOO.

 

I just think its wierd that she calls me to tell me how good she is and that she just feels so happy. Maybe trying to make me jelous.. i dunno.

(you can see i look way to deep into things)

 

I was just wondering if NC would make her want me back at all. I now you can not predict what y will do if x does this, but there is usually a standard that has happend to people, not saying that everyones situation is not unique, but that nc usually puts cetain feeling onto a person, and they usually act a certain way.

[J dub]

>I know the NC will help me move on, but i have heard that it does also make your ex want you back. I'm not going to lie, i still do want her back AND I KNOW NC WILL HELP ME GET OVER HER TOO

 

Its all relative to the situation. The point of NC is to move on, its a bonus IF they come back. But dont ever wait for someone to come back to you. Not only does it look needy (nobody but NOBODY likes a needy SO) but its unattractive because you look like you're wiling to be walked all over.

 

>I just think its wierd that she calls me to tell me how good she is and that she just feels so happy. Maybe trying to make me jelous.. i dunno.

(you can see i look way to deep into things)

 

Honey, she is not happy. When youre genuinely happy without another person, you dont keep them around and you dont rub it in their face, either. You have no interest, you see? You just dont. She's saying shes happy to convince you to come after her because she wants you to be jealous. Again, she knows how to push your buttons. You underestimate how powerful a female's mind is.

 

>I was just wondering if NC would make her want me back at all.

 

Nothing is going to MAKE her do anything. It's all her own decision -- you can try to talk her in to it (although I personally think that is the stupidest thing ever, to try to talk someone into staying with you) OR you can live your life and let her live hers. Maybe you'll cross paths, maybe not. You have to accept that this situation is not necessarily going to go in your favor simply because you cut off contact with her.

 

>nc usually puts cetain feeling onto a person, and they usually act a certain way.

 

NC forces someone to make a choice and to think clearly without distraction. It wont put feeling into someone if the feelings arent already there, but it probably will make them resurface if its meant to be. The key is to make her MISS you. She cant want you back if she doesnt miss you (well she could but it would be short lived). But she'll be more likely to come back if you cut her off, yes.

 

Mine did, for the record

[Jackripp]

Thanks you have been a big help through all this. I am moving out into a better apartment that I really like and I am working out and doing stuff for ME. I am feeling better about this.

 

On the phone when she called today and said how happy she was, yadda yadda, and she said she wanted to do somthing and I said I couldnt I hoped that made her realize that i am not needy and I wont be walked on. i have to make myself stick too this.

 

Well

 

Thanks again keep talking to me, I know I will need more advice and for god sakes dont let me contact her!

[Jackripp]

This is day 2.. Really its been 6 but she called on friday. Somtimes its hard not to call her, somtimes i don't even want to.

 

If she calls me, should i answer it? Or emails me, should I email back. And if the answer is no, how long should i wait after she starts trying to make contact to actually talk to her?

[Jackripp]

Damn i am moving to a new apartment that is nicer and they dont take pets.. So I have her cat.. our cat whateever.. It used to be hers, but she couldnt keep it, now It grew on me and we both call it ours. She cannot have it back.. I cannot keep it and i have to make contact to let her know.. I guess i can give it a few more days but I really dont want to call her..

 

 

What to do

[sundrop]

Jackripp,

You could call her when you know she will not be home and leave a message on her home phone or if she works and has voicemail call her after she leaves work and let her know about the cat. If you do talk to her about the cat, keep the conerstaion on he cat topic and dont stray from that topic, as hard as it will be.

Good luck.

[Jackripp]

I know if I call her I will want to talk about more, and probably end up asking her to see me. I know once I start talking to her (if I call, not her calling me) i will not be strong enough to just talk about the cat.

 

I really am starting to miss her. Not the things we did but the way she was. I can only hope she is starting to think the same way.

I am going to try to wait till she contacts me then bring up the cat.

 

I knew there was noone else. Now I am not so sure. Thats kinda hard on me.

 

If she calls and wants to talk is it way to early to set up a date?

 

JR

[sundrop]

That's your call as to when to set p a date if she calls.

The only problem with setting up a date to soon, is if your feelings are still to raw, it could be a heated

confrentation, even if you don't intend it to be.

Just be cautious..... ANd choose your words carefully when you do talk to her.

You don't want to say anything that you may regret later. (I have learned that one)

[Sal Paradise]

What you're doing is limited contact not no contact. No contact means No contact. Which means you shouldn't call her, text message her or email. You should also not answer her if she calls or tries to contact you any way. It usually (not always but usually) doesn't work if you remain in limited contact.

 

And yes it is way too early. If you really want to get over her you may need to do no contact from anywhere from 3-6 months (possibly longer). But usually 3-6 months will do it. And then you will realize that you could contact her but you have no desire to. You will see her for what she really is. Thats not to say you weren't a bad bf. But remember she cheated. There is no excuse to cheat.

[Jackripp]

I want to do full nc, its just things come up, like the cat.. it may seem trivial, but it is a pretty big deal to us, I havnt called yet. I just want her to call so i can ignore it... does that sound bad.. lol I know i can, i just want to prove myself, I think it would be a big stepping stone. Maybe I could have a friend talk to her about the cat also....

 

also I am thinking of just moving far away. I have no attachments here anymore. I have a new apartment lined up, but I just want to get hundreds of miles away. I probably shouldn't tell her were im going right? Just leave. This dosnt just have to do with her. i have wanted to move, but I stayed for her, to be with her. Now i have a chance to leave. OR I could tell her I am moving and that where im going to be we wont get to talk, so then NC is taken care of.

 

i dunno

 

JR

[Jackripp]

ahh

 

I think I am just going to call her. I need to let her know about the cat.. plus now i really want to talk to her!

 

grr

 

JR

[Sal Paradise]

Oh well........

 

Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

This is pretty easy. All you need to do is hang out with her and have a lot of fun. Don't mention anything that is related to you and her as a couple. Just fun. Like on your first date. Once only you may mention in a light ambiance that you realize how you treated her and hope it will never happen again. That's all. Stop at that point unless she wants to talk about. But don't bring any heavy topics between the two of you.

 

After a few dates you may kiss her gently and give her a seductive look, but basically go very slowly. She will melt gradually but surely.

If there is no one else and she loves you, you will get your second chance, but be patient! NC makes no sense. When a guy accept NC it means "I don't want to ever date you again." Just be friends with her and she won't resist you.