Love/Marriage/Friendship/Infidelity torn

[SweetNonsense]

I am a real bad space in life right now.

 

I have been married close to a decade to one of the sweetest and kindest person I know. But I learnt that hard way this year that even people like that slip up and screw around. He emotionally cheated on me, or atleast as far as I have been told. I have stopped asking questions to dig for me. I still see him as my best friend. We are seeking therapy and trying to revive the relationship. But I am not someone who has ever been able to come back from being cheated on. This feels confusing I have the best intentions and want to work things out but my heart and feelings aren't cooperating. Anyone has gone through this?

 

Being traditional, I stopped making friends because my husband was my all once married (I also tend to get along better with men). Lost existing friends due to moving. Some super close friends I call on and off. There was a huge push on me making friends by my husband all our life and last year I finally decided to give in, since he is super busy with work. In comes a work colleague. This was supposed to be very platonic.Having male friends all my life, I have never crossed the line. I have known the colleague almost a year - majority of his behavior was very persistent and inviting. But he has also been in a decade long relationship (not married). Previously in college Male friends had been attracted to me and it was never an issue unless they made it an issue. And here I didn't think I had anything to worry about. But now? we have this weird intense hodge podge relationship where he gets too close, spends a lot of work time talking to me and hanging out, then freaks out, slows down or tries to disappear only to come back even stronger. For me? I am sitting here confused - does he like me or am I just too intense of a person for him? I do give my all to all my relationships and he is more of a introverted emotionally closed off person. I have told him multiple times when he freaks out that I have no expectations, I trust him don't think he is upto anything wrong and that I am not planning to makes moves on him - I just need a friend. I don't know why this further freaks him out!

 

Thinking about giving up on both and bailing town!

[knabe]

So basically, you both cgeated/are cheating.

[SweetNonsense]

So basically, you both cgeated/are cheating.

 

Not quite - and I am not defending myself here with excuses.

 

Husband is done cheating. I am expected to work on it and move past it. I dont know if I can.

 

Curveball is I am on the verge of doing what he did. I have not crossed the line. Don't plan to. No compliments or fantasies have been exchanged on my end. I am trying to decipher at this point if the colleague is trying to be more than a friend and what that means. I guess since I am in an ugly decision making spot, I am now curious when previously things like this wouldn't have mattered.

 

My conduct is making me wonder should I give up on my marriage? Because I am now acting like someone I am not. And at the end of the day I whole heartedly would like to keep the work freindship if the attraction on his part can be tamed (that is to say if it even exists). I feel if what I feel is attraction for him (he is not my type at all personality or looks) then its not the first time I have liked someone and been whatever about it. You dont have to pounce on every person of opposite sec you get attracted to. Its natural and one should keep it in their pants. I dont want to lose allll relationships in the same week/month - husband and friend.

[BluesPower]

Darling, you are really being naïve...

 

Your "Friend" at work wants to bang you yesterday, but he is to much of a geek to make the proper moves. Yes, yes he does, just trust me on that.

 

You are doing exactly what your husband did, if he actually only had an emotional affair, which is what you are currently doing.

 

Unless your husband's affair partner was long distance and there is no way for them to meet up, he is lying. If she is local, they were sleeping together, again, trust me on that.

 

Further, if you want your marriage, it is not for you to get over, which is a common thought that betrayed spouse's always have. It is up to your husband to help you heal from his infidelity and work on building up your relationship with him.

 

So you basically have a few choices:

 

1) You can take your friend to bed if you want to. And yes he will go there with you.

 

2) Divorce your husband.

 

3) Stop the inappropriate relationship with your "Friend" and work on your marriage for real which includes learning about infidelity and how to get over it. And here, your husband is the one that does most of the heavy lifting.

 

That is where you are at.

 

Does that make any sense to you???

[wmacbride]

Darling, you are really being naïve...

 

Your "Friend" at work wants to bang you yesterday, but he is to much of a geek to make the proper moves. Yes, yes he does, just trust me on that.

 

You are doing exactly what your husband did, if he actually only had an emotional affair, which is what you are currently doing.

 

Unless your husband's affair partner was long distance and there is no way for them to meet up, he is lying. If she is local, they were sleeping together, again, trust me on that.

 

Further, if you want your marriage, it is not for you to get over, which is a common thought that betrayed spouse's always have. It is up to your husband to help you heal from his infidelity and work on building up your relationship with him.

 

So you basically have a few choices:

 

1) You can take your friend to bed if you want to. And yes he will go there with you.

 

2) Divorce your husband.

 

3) Stop the inappropriate relationship with your "Friend" and work on your marriage for real which includes learning about infidelity and how to get over it. And here, your husband is the one that does most of the heavy lifting.

 

That is where you are at.

 

Does that make any sense to you???

 

OP,

I could be way off about this guy, but the getting close, running away, getting close/running away thing he's doing sounds like a classic move from a guy who wants to be much more than just friends. Okay, he wants to be 'friends", but only if he gets a little bit extra along with the friendship.

 

In your case, from what you say, it really sounds like you are lonely and need something outside of your marriage ( by that, I don't mean an affair:D:p). Your spouse may be your best friend, but he can't be everything to you, any more than you can be everything to him.

 

Is there any way that you and your spouse, or even just you on your own, can find an activity to get into where you live? is there something you have always wanted to try but never have? Whether it's taking a cooking class together or individually, maybe learning a new hobby or sport, furthering your education or professional skills, planning a dream vacation ( that is my personal favorite:laugh:) joining a walking group or something else.

 

If you aren't sure what's on offer where you are, Eventbrite and Meetup can be great. My spouse and I actually started a couple of groups ourselves though Meetup. One of them focuses on hiking and photography out on woodland and coastal trails in our area, and we ended up meeting some very nice people and making some good friends- one of them being a 75 year old lady who, out of all of us, is in the best shape. No fence or gate keeps her out:laugh:. If she can't go around, she goes over, under or through:lmao:

[SweetNonsense]

Darling, you are really being naïve...

 

Your "Friend" at work wants to bang you yesterday, but he is to much of a geek to make the proper moves. Yes, yes he does, just trust me on that.

 

You are doing exactly what your husband did, if he actually only had an emotional affair, which is what you are currently doing.

 

Unless your husband's affair partner was long distance and there is no way for them to meet up, he is lying. If she is local, they were sleeping together, again, trust me on that.

 

Further, if you want your marriage, it is not for you to get over, which is a common thought that betrayed spouse's always have. It is up to your husband to help you heal from his infidelity and work on building up your relationship with him.

 

So you basically have a few choices:

 

1) You can take your friend to bed if you want to. And yes he will go there with you.

 

2) Divorce your husband.

 

3) Stop the inappropriate relationship with your "Friend" and work on your marriage for real which includes learning about infidelity and how to get over it. And here, your husband is the one that does most of the heavy lifting.

 

That is where you are at.

 

Does that make any sense to you???

 

I keep repeating, that one I am not that special that someone taken will look at me like that (bad self esteem) and two maybe I refuse to see it cause I want a friend so bad that I pretend thats what this is.

 

I read the conversations between my husband and the other girl. He never lost or deleted anything because he knows I dont snoop or maybe he wanted to come clean as he was trying to get rid of her. But it was all her pushing things on him. There were lied and flirting but no indication of physical contact. But hey who knows. I know only what I am told or saw. Now if I am a girl who is physically in contact with my coworker and you think I am emotionally cheating then why havent I done anything physical? if I havent then maybe they didnt either? Sorry just trying to use logic here

 

About my emotional cheating - please believe me when I say I am fairly straight forward. I had at multiple occasions stopped and compared if I had acted the same way had it been a female friend, and the answer is yes except I might have done more. Here I am still a bit more reserved.

 

Thanks for the suggestions

1) I am not sleeping with someone else till I am done with one relationship. Probably wont even for a while after that because of how I see men now in general - no offense

 

2)I am trying to save my marriage so that might be a later option but not now

 

3) He is doing everything he can and has reverted to how he was when we first met - I am just frustrated with how to bring my feelings back. I was hoping someone experienced can shed a light on that. Also when you are in an ugly and lnely place - you dont want to lose everyone. Hence I hold onto whatever folks I have in my life including the collegue

[SweetNonsense]

OP,

I could be way off about this guy, but the getting close, running away, getting close/running away thing he's doing sounds like a classic move from a guy who wants to be much more than just friends. Okay, he wants to be 'friends", but only if he gets a little bit extra along with the friendship.

 

In your case, from what you say, it really sounds like you are lonely and need something outside of your marriage ( by that, I don't mean an affair:D:p). Your spouse may be your best friend, but he can't be everything to you, any more than you can be everything to him.

 

Is there any way that you and your spouse, or even just you on your own, can find an activity to get into where you live? is there something you have always wanted to try but never have? Whether it's taking a cooking class together or individually, maybe learning a new hobby or sport, furthering your education or professional skills, planning a dream vacation ( that is my personal favorite:laugh:) joining a walking group or something else.

 

If you aren't sure what's on offer where you are, Eventbrite and Meetup can be great. My spouse and I actually started a couple of groups ourselves though Meetup. One of them focuses on hiking and photography out on woodland and coastal trails in our area, and we ended up meeting some very nice people and making some good friends- one of them being a 75 year old lady who, out of all of us, is in the best shape. No fence or gate keeps her out:laugh:. If she can't go around, she goes over, under or through:lmao:

 

Thank You soo much for actually believing what I am saying, I have no reason to lie on a forum. When people tell me he might interested in me , I wonder that if you like someone and want to be close to them, you dont say mean things to them. He gets super mean at times. The running back and forth I thought stemmed from him telling me I am complicated and drama. Who woild even like someone like that if they already are in a long term relationship? Granted I have been told I am very stupid when it comes to these things.

 

I did download the meetup app but have been stalling to give it a try. As we can see I rarely make friends on my own and when I do... even at work it ends up like this where I get ly feelings hurt. The app just further scare me. My husband had suggested making friends online and I downloaded an app it was a nightmare!!!! 300 requests overnight! It didnt matter i was looking for friendship or was married. People were just super creepy.

 

You hit the nail on the head I am at a super lonely place in life. I am scared to lose my marriage or anyone else that still exists in my life. So I am holdng onto them as hard as I can

[wmacbride]

Thank You soo much for actually believing what I am saying, I have no reason to lie on a forum. When people tell me he might interested in me , I wonder that if you like someone and want to be close to them, you dont say mean things to them. He gets super mean at times. The running back and forth I thought stemmed from him telling me I am complicated and drama. Who woild even like someone like that if they already are in a long term relationship? Granted I have been told I am very stupid when it comes to these things.

 

I did download the meetup app but have been stalling to give it a try. As we can see I rarely make friends on my own and when I do... even at work it ends up like this where I get ly feelings hurt. The app just further scare me. My husband had suggested making friends online and I downloaded an app it was a nightmare!!!! 300 requests overnight! It didnt matter i was looking for friendship or was married. People were just super creepy.

 

You hit the nail on the head I am at a super lonely place in life. I am scared to lose my marriage or anyone else that still exists in my life. So I am holdng onto them as hard as I can

 

That friendship online ap sounds like it was pretty overwhelming. I'm terribly shy and a real introvert, which is why I found meetup so helpful. We were able to create out own group and control who was in it and who isn't, and they join because they share a common interest.

 

Good for you for recognizing you are struggling and facing it head on.

[road]

Having friends is good if they are the correct kind.

 

This thread is another example of why people in

a relationship do not need and should not have

opposite sex friends.