My girlfriend of 4 years wants space to gain clarity? :(

[99hel]

So me and my girlfriend have been going out for 4 years and we were madly in love. We have recently hit a rough patch in the last 2 months arguing whenever we are drunk mainly due to me being silly and pathetic. We had an argument one night and the next day she went on holiday with her friends and came back thinking she wanted to break up with me but couldn't do it when she saw me - I think this is due to the fact she was drunk 24/7 and surrounded by girls talking about us in a negative way.

 

We spent the next 5 days together and it was good. I would cook dinner for her and we would be just as normal. A couple days later she went on a work placement abroad to a country close by (1hr 30 flight). I went with her to help her settle in and we had the best time exploring the city and getting drunk with no arguments. She has some mutual friends out there so has settled in perfectly. I had to leave and we were both extremely upset crying etc. The next few days were fine we were both positive facetiming and texting but then suddenly she says she needs time and space to think why she was feeling the way she was on holiday. She says sometimes she doesn't have the urge to text me all the time like she used to or to say she loves me. We both said we need to be 100% committed to the relationship to make it work for the 9 months she's away (both visiting occasionally) and currently, she does not feel 100%. I am giving her the space she needs to find "clarity" but I am extremely upset by this situation as I have always thought she was the one for me. We agreed to speak in around 5 days. She has 100% not found another guy. She says I've pushed her away little bit by little bit. Just looking for some advice and generally people to talk to about the situation

 

ps We never argue when sober and are very happy - all problems occur when drunk.

 

Thank you

Edited September 25, 2017 by 99hel

[dumbass2]

Sorry, but I don't believe in "space" in a relationship. I think she has broken up with you but just hasn't said those words. At this point I don't see this being able to be repaired since she is away for 9 months.

[doyathinkso]

"clarity" is her euphemism for "test driving some new guy she's recently met who makes her tingle in her panties".

 

Meanwhile she keeps you on the back burner until she decides whether or not he's worth switching over to.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Stop the excessive drinking and accept that she has her sights on someone else but still wants you to be waiting for her after the 9 months.

[d0nnivain]

In your case a mutual break so you can both get sober may be helpful.

[99hel]

In your case a mutual break so you can both get sober may be helpful.

 

We aren't alcoholics we just drink quite excessively when we go out. We are 23 and 22 y/o so still at that partying age. I feel like she's still hurting from her holiday and the only way to repair that is to spend time together which unfortunately we don't have currently. It will be a month before I next see her. Maybe we should save ourselves the pain break up and reunited in 9 months.

 

 

Thanks for the replies, I shall keep you updated for now no communication with her for a few days.

[d0nnivain]

Partying stage people who "want a break" are just too afraid to say the words "I want to break up." She knows this relationship is not healthy for her. She may see you & her friends (but less so them) as the reason she drinks too much. I am NOT saying that is true. I am suggesting she is deflecting the responsibility for her own choices onto you. Saying she wants "a break" when there is no such thing -- "a break" is a break up but with wishy washy words -- is her way of wiggling out from this relationship in what she hopes is a way that won't hurt your feelings.

 

 

A lot can happen in 9 months but I don't see a reconciliation on your horizon.

[doyathinkso]

 

 

Thanks for the replies, I shall keep you updated for now no communication with her for a few days.

 

 

Yeah, cuz she's busy.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude. Needing "space" is another way of saying that there IS someone else....she just hasn't gone there yet. So, she can say to you that with 100% certainty there is no one else. Because, there isn't...yet. So, she wants to test drive this other person without any interference from you.

 

And if things don't work out, well....she still has you waiting on the sidelines. "Okay, breaks over! I love you again!" But, if you find that there was another guy, all she would have to say is, "Well, it doesn't count! We were on a break! It's not my fault you didn't date while we were one a break!" Don't you love technicalities! And if things look like they're going to work out with the other person, she will take this "needing space" more permanent. And, again, if you find out about the other person, you get to hear, "He's not the reason why we're breaking up! It's because YOU didn't do this, that or the other" thus making her cheating on you, YOUR FAULT!

 

Dude, just move on with your life as if she isn't coming back....because, chances are she's not. Don't put your life on hold.

 

Time to heal and move on.

[edem]

I hear you and sorry you're going through this. In my opinion, it's good that you both have a time frame to work with. If it's indefinite, however, then that's another huge can of worms. But I've seen it work either way when couples take a few days off to think about what they really want. In one relationship I know, the guy needed to think about what he wanted with his girlfriend and he pondered for a few days on it. He decided she was the one for him and they've been happily married thirty years or so. In other cases, I've seen it not work out. So there is hope. My two cents is to wait it out, think about what you really want, and talk when you’re both sober

[99hel]

So she messaged me yesterday and we spoke on the phone. We broke up. I took it very well yesterday and we discussed lots of things, just how it's not actually feasible right now because we are in different countries. We didn't have enough time to be together to heal the way she was feeling due to all the arguments. Staying together would have pushed us further apart. We will meet up again after she's back from her work placement in 9 months when we are both living in the same city. I genuinely don't think she does have another person lined up but I may be blinded by my love for her. This is the annoying thing and why I can't get my head around this whole process - she was crying at the airport when I left saying she loved me and all this stuff and we were amazing together. It's very hard to accept but right now it's the best thing for us both if we want any chance of being together in the future. Am I being a fool for thinking this way?

[d0nnivain]

No you are not being foolish. I'm sure she cares about you, hence the tears. Caring & wanting to continue dating are different.

 

A lot can happen in 9 months. You may not want to date her by the time she returns.

[BluesPower]

So she messaged me yesterday and we spoke on the phone. We broke up. I took it very well yesterday and we discussed lots of things, just how it's not actually feasible right now because we are in different countries. We didn't have enough time to be together to heal the way she was feeling due to all the arguments. Staying together would have pushed us further apart. We will meet up again after she's back from her work placement in 9 months when we are both living in the same city. I genuinely don't think she does have another person lined up but I may be blinded by my love for her. This is the annoying thing and why I can't get my head around this whole process - she was crying at the airport when I left saying she loved me and all this stuff and we were amazing together. It's very hard to accept but right now it's the best thing for us both if we want any chance of being together in the future. Am I being a fool for thinking this way?

 

I could be wrong, but have to disagree with d0nnivain.

 

The way she acted when she got there kind of says the she has a new lover. Whether it is serious or not remains to be seen.

 

My advice, just move on. If she wants to be with you later, she will find you and if she does not find you, well there is your answer.

 

And yes you are blinded by love. It happens to all of us at one time or another. As you get older and smarter you learn the following:

 

If a woman wants to be with you, she will be. When they are in love they will crawl through broken glass to be with you. When they don't, they are not in love and you don't waste any more time on them.

 

I actually have a 1 no return call rule with new girls. If it is there turn to call and they don't, they are toast, I move on...

[99hel]

Thanks for the advice. Just going to see how it goes and get on with my life for now. Bit confused about NC, not sure I want to do that process as I don't want to completely cut her out of my life and neither does she. She will be home for a few days in 6 weeks so we will meet up. Maybe for now we won't speak for a week or two.

[d0nnivain]

NC isn't mandatory. It's a way to heal & maintain self respect for dumpees having trouble letting go. You don't seem to be in that boat.

 

 

Just don't think you are going to talk with the same frequency or intimacy as you did before.

 

 

LC is fine . . . start by unfollowing her on social media so her stuff doesn't automatically pop up in your feeds.

[Giggles666]

Everyone seems to be giving good advice.

 

I can give you some on the drinking. If your drinking hurts your relationship you need to at least be aware of it. It can snowball and it can cost you things that are important.

 

I'm an alcoholic, I lived with one also. Keep an eye on it and decide if it's important to you. We all party in our younger days. Just make sure it stays there.

 

Sorry to hear about this and good luck.

[ontheway]

We aren't alcoholics we just drink quite excessively when we go out. We are 23 and 22 y/o so still at that partying age. I feel like she's still hurting from her holiday and the only way to repair that is to spend time together which unfortunately we don't have currently. It will be a month before I next see her. Maybe we should save ourselves the pain break up and reunited in 9 months.

 

 

Thanks for the replies, I shall keep you updated for now no communication with her for a few days.

 

 

 

You're young. Use this time to fill your knowledge gap about women, dating, and relationships. Start reading Coach Corey Wayne's book: How to be a 3% man and start watching his youtube videos. It Will change your life.

[99hel]

@Giggles666

Thanks, I appreciate that advice. Ultimately drinking has cost me this relationship as I turn into a different person which I recognised but did nothing about. It must have happened on 10-15 occasions and she stuck with me throughout but it obviously got too much for her. I think this will better me as a person. She was an amazing girlfriend, I honestly don't think I'll find anyone like her which is why I can't bring myself to let go of her. I am very hopeful of the future though and can see us together again. It can only get better from here.

 

@ontheway

Thank you, I will definitely check that out.

[Been]

I want to be alone= I want to be with someone else.

I need space = I wanna see if the new person works out.

I love you soooo much but I just dumped you and they start crying=

I found someone else and I'm feeling guilty for lying to you.

Actions always speak louder then words. People can say anything but its their actions that determine of their words had any vaild meaning behind them.

I dated this woman for a little over a year. She told me how I was the greatest man she ever dated. One day she's acting distant so I question it. She then proceeds to tell me that past ex boyfriends she had hit her,stole from her and cheated on her.I say what does this have to do with us? She then proceeds to tell me she and I quote " doesn't think she will ever get over the past abuse from ex boyfriends and she need to be alone for right now." So we break up. TWO days latter I see her with her new boyfriend- this is an example of actions over words lol.

[99hel]

So I told her last week I wanted to have some time and not speak its been 6 days now since talking to her. I am constantly checking her social media (driving myself insane) noticing she is following a lot of guys from the area she is now living. I'm finding it extremely difficult to accept I just want to talk to her but feel like that will just show her I still miss her. I will see her in 5 weeks shall I just hold off until then? (No chance of us getting back together in 5 weeks). If we get back together it will be in 8 months. When I spoke to her last week she said she was ok and wasn't grieving how I am.

[99hel]

Update:

 

She came back around 6 weeks ago for a few days and we spent some time together. It was nice and we both enjoyed it. She then went back overseas and began telling me that she's in love with me and wants to get back together. We mutually decided this wasn't a good idea whilst she still has half a year to go overseas and neither of us have much money to travel back and forth. She has also said she feels we both should experience dating since returning overseas because it's fun and neither of us have experienced it properly before ("Now is a great opportunity").

 

We have been talking a lot (nearly every day). I don't want to be talking to her or associating myself with her if she is getting to know other people? It has been like we are in a relationship... Facetiming a lot and being affectionate. I believe my ego is getting in the way. Shall I just go with it? My mind can quickly get the better of me and lead me to think of unpleasant thoughts. I am supposed to be seeing her in a couple weeks but in my current state of mind, I don't even want to text her let alone see her.

 

We are discussing how to combat this next 6 months when we meet up. Does anyone have any recommendations how to do so? e.g. should we be together and try to visit once every couple of months? Or shall we go no contact... minimal contact? who knows. Neither of us knows the correct way to go about this so advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you

[Poutrew]

What happened is that she got to try out some other guys. So far, her plan B (you) is leading the pack, but she still has 6 months to go, so who knows what the future holds? That's why she is sweet talking you -- she wants to keep you on the hook just in case. If she meets up with another stud she likes, she will get all distant with your again. What you want to do is you r call, but personally, if she is so impressionable that she could let some girlfriends trash talk you to the point where she wanted to break up with you , I would have let her go. I don't need a weak willed, fickle hearted woman in my life. But, hey, that's just me

[HumanMachine]

So she wants to hook up with other guys whilst she is overseas then get back with the easy safe option (you) when she gets back.

 

You’re going to want to send her a grovelling apology and a load of nonsense but it would be best to cut contact immediately and block her. She is taking you for a complete idiot.

[sdraw108]

I agree with the post above mine and just to add to it, if she comes back after 6 months and chooses you over all the guys she's met in the meantime, would you be ok with that? "Oh, I tried all these guys and none of them were that great, so I suppose you'll do".

 

I would recommend no contact. I think not doing that will be painful. More for you than for her. The fact that she already told you once that she's not grieving like you are means she is much further ahead than you in moving on. If you remain in contact, you're only going to hear more things that you aren't going to like.

 

There's a pretty good chance that after 6 months one or both of you won't want to get back together anyway, so you might as well start protecting yourself emotionally from that outcome.