How did your spouse react when you told him/her you were done

[40somethingGuy]

and was going to file or did file? Or even if you said nothing and waited for her/him to be served? Did your spouse give you the 'I am not in love anymore' stuff only to be shocked and sad when you finally pulled the plug? What kind of reactions were there? I am always curious how sincere they are when they talk like that and what the reaction is when they finally get it.

 

 

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Edited September 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited title

[basil67]

When I finally pulled the plug, he all of a sudden wanted to do the marriage counselling which he'd refused to do for so long. And made other changes which had been long overdue.

 

It was all too little, too late.

[mrs rubble]

My ex spread malicious lies about me and my family. He also reported my mother and oldest son to the police and said they were abusing our son, the police investigated his claims and found them to be untrue.

He sent his family members to our house and had them break windows to intimidate me.

[primer]

We were fighting every night. Out in public, he would tell people that he needs his own place. He threatened to leave every-other week.

 

 

When I told him I needed my own place, he was shocked. Now he is sad, this isn't what he wanted, he never intended to live alone, etc.

 

 

Unstable?

[40somethingGuy]

We were fighting every night. Out in public, he would tell people that he needs his own place. He threatened to leave every-other week.

 

 

When I told him I needed my own place, he was shocked. Now he is sad, this isn't what he wanted, he never intended to live alone, etc.

 

 

Unstable?

 

This is kind of what I am driving at. When you know you are being taken for granted and then you basically take yourself from them, they all of a sudden realize the loss. Maybe you have to leave to be appreciated and respected.

[Doublegold]

We went to meditation. Hammered it out over three months. Agreed to stay in family home until youngest graduated College (9 to 10 months) then he would move to an empty family home until I moved out of the main household within a year.

 

He didn't want to move when the time came, he thought I would change my mind and stay together. Eventually he moved out, we went to court to determine household expenses. He hired two lawyers, fired two lawyers. I represented myself. I moved out within the year, he moved back into the family home.

 

We were separated three years before the final decree. In the end, I did the final paperwork for both of us, the PSA (27 pages) and we remain friends.

[2.50 a gallon]

On our six month anniversary, I tried to surprise her at her work place for lunch. I was the one surprised as I caught her kissing one of the guards in the parking lot. Amongst the 4-lettered words and told her it was unsafe for her to come home. So she moved in with the guard. She tried to flaunt her new love in my face, until 4 weeks later, when she stopped by to see our cats, she realized that another woman had slept in our bed the night before.

She went totally nuts, begging me to take her back, rolling on the floor crying, even went to far as to go outside and yell at the top of her lungs, what a loser as a lover the OM was. He was visiting a neighbor.

I basically told her our marriage was over and to get out of my life. If she wanted a divorce to file. I would never marry again so would not waste my money for a piece of paper that said I could once again have sex with other women.

I got cards presents: B-Day, Christmas, Valentine, etc. which I threw away without opening.

She would call once in awhile. Last one was about 3 years later, I once again told her there was no way we would ever have sex again much less be married. I did not know at that time that our divorce had just gone thru and she married her second husband the next day

[carhill]

Pretty calm when discussing it in the living room of her new house, though that was after a year or so of MC, which I feel really helped. I think it was a pretty mutual thing. Probably the hardest part was handing over keys to the house I had fixed up.

 

Had a pleasant talk with the sheriff's deputy when served. Easier for her to serve me since serving her at her salon would've been a bit intrusive. A few hiccups along the way, mostly procedural, but nothing dramatic to write home about. I struggled with the financial hit for a few years but that's life. It's all a distant memory now.

[knabe]

Not much reaction, a bit of anger later, along with some sadness. Our marriage was already like a coma patient only being kept alive by machines anyway, so it was past time to pull the plug. There was few disagreements, we both signed with a mutual friend as the notary. It was over within 90 days once officially filed.

[Timshel]

This is kind of what I am driving at. When you know you are being taken for granted and then you basically take yourself from them, they all of a sudden realize the loss. Maybe you have to leave to be appreciated and respected.

 

Leaving is no turning back. It is not a ploy for respect, that has been done and dusted by your wife.

 

When I told my ex husband that I want a divorce and leaving him, I meant it.

He did not *like* that but it was not a game and I was officially done.

 

We divorced without lawyers..he wasn't taken to the cleaners, both of us 'appeared' together for the final judgment of divorce before the court. As pissed off as he was, we have maintained a level of respect for each other and been fine parents to our children to this day.

He will attend my brother's funeral on Saturday, along with my current SO.

 

Don't not do the right thing out of fear, ever. Kids are fine if you are. If there is drama and discourse, the kids will be upset. If adults are calm and reasonable, the kids will be fine. Love and stability is what matters there.

 

It reads that you are seeking attention from your wife by leaving her. Leave when you are really done and stand your ground. If you don't want to leave but are exasperated, then a good marriage counselor is in order.

[40somethingGuy]

Leaving is no turning back. It is not a ploy for respect, that has been done and dusted by your wife.

 

When I told my ex husband that I want a divorce and leaving him, I meant it.

He did not *like* that but it was not a game and I was officially done.

 

We divorced without lawyers..he wasn't taken to the cleaners, both of us 'appeared' together for the final judgment of divorce before the court. As pissed off as he was, we have maintained a level of respect for each other and been fine parents to our children to this day.

He will attend my brother's funeral on Saturday, along with my current SO.

 

Don't not do the right thing out of fear, ever. Kids are fine if you are. If there is drama and discourse, the kids will be upset. If adults are calm and reasonable, the kids will be fine. Love and stability is what matters there.

 

It reads that you are seeking attention from your wife by leaving her. Leave when you are really done and stand your ground. If you don't want to leave but are exasperated, then a good marriage counselor is in order.

 

Thank you for this. I do appreciate all you said. The one thing that I do want to say is that I just think MC is a load of crap. At least finding a good one. We went to one from April 2016 to July 2016. She was brutal. Basically told me it was my responsibility for my wife having an EA and discussing a PA with an old BF that we realized lived in our neighborhood. When I expressed concerns about her still using porn and other methods that she admitted were to distance herself from me, the therapist said, 'get over it. That is none of your business. That was then this is now.' She was actually so un-qualified that my wife even admitted she was taking sides, not at all fair to me, and had no problem seeking a new one. The second one was better but had this thing where any 'feeling' that came out of your mouth was 'valid' even if what was said was complete garbage and not factual at all. My wife has to be the victim. She is a CSA victim and had a horrible childhood and family life. I had a great one. I have seen how a functional family should work and she never did. Tried to get the therapist to see this but really all my wife wanted to do is portray herself as the victim and felt we were not going anywhere. I just don't know how to qualify one as a good one that can help with such complicated matters we have. Now, my wife would be right that 5 years ago or so I was not good at helping around the house like I should have been and did occasionally drink too much. That is on me and I expressed that and have taken steps to fix these faults. But even though I have since come around in the past few years (even before her affair) I really haven't seen her consistently regain the feelings for me even though I have been consistent in doing what I needed to in fixing things. But I don't see her putting in the work either.

[Timshel]

Make a choice. You seem beaten down...as though you are at some mercy.

 

It will have to be your decision 40something, about the direction you take. No one can do that for you.

 

There are plenty of 'therapists' who bring more baggage than their clients. You've tried mc several times and not felt challenged or heard.

 

It seems you know in your self what you need but are afraid...of what? I guess the abuse of an unreasonable parent.

 

Find your ground, trust yourself and seek individual counseling with a licensed psych.

 

Dragging things out is horrible for the kids. It's horrible for you and your wife also. Nothing good will come from apathy.

 

Make a decision with fairness and integrity and stick to it.

 

Best

[BluesPower]

Thank you for this. I do appreciate all you said. The one thing that I do want to say is that I just think MC is a load of crap. At least finding a good one. We went to one from April 2016 to July 2016. She was brutal. Basically told me it was my responsibility for my wife having an EA and discussing a PA with an old BF that we realized lived in our neighborhood. When I expressed concerns about her still using porn and other methods that she admitted were to distance herself from me, the therapist said, 'get over it. That is none of your business. That was then this is now.' She was actually so un-qualified that my wife even admitted she was taking sides, not at all fair to me, and had no problem seeking a new one. The second one was better but had this thing where any 'feeling' that came out of your mouth was 'valid' even if what was said was complete garbage and not factual at all. My wife has to be the victim. She is a CSA victim and had a horrible childhood and family life. I had a great one. I have seen how a functional family should work and she never did. Tried to get the therapist to see this but really all my wife wanted to do is portray herself as the victim and felt we were not going anywhere. I just don't know how to qualify one as a good one that can help with such complicated matters we have. Now, my wife would be right that 5 years ago or so I was not good at helping around the house like I should have been and did occasionally drink too much. That is on me and I expressed that and have taken steps to fix these faults. But even though I have since come around in the past few years (even before her affair) I really haven't seen her consistently regain the feelings for me even though I have been consistent in doing what I needed to in fixing things. But I don't see her putting in the work either.

 

So nothing has changed???

 

And everyone told you that hands down you found, by accident, the worst marriage counselor in the entire world. That MC was/is a complete nut job.

 

Having said that, has nothing gotten better in your relationship since you caught her cheating.

 

If not dude, it is time to file for divorce.

[40somethingGuy]

So nothing has changed???

 

And everyone told you that hands down you found, by accident, the worst marriage counselor in the entire world. That MC was/is a complete nut job.

 

Having said that, has nothing gotten better in your relationship since you caught her cheating.

 

If not dude, it is time to file for divorce.

 

Are things better? Yeah. Are things as good as I expect? No. We have had some real ups and downs for sure. She does not change her phone code at all even when upset so that is a plus. Having two young boys definitely dominate our time. She loves me as a friend and confidant but I am beginning to doubt much romantically. In a lot of ways I wonder if I did leave I would think her heart would grow fonder but if I took it to that step I would be done.

[BluesPower]

Are things better? Yeah. Are things as good as I expect? No. We have had some real ups and downs for sure. She does not change her phone code at all even when upset so that is a plus. Having two young boys definitely dominate our time. She loves me as a friend and confidant but I am beginning to doubt much romantically. In a lot of ways I wonder if I did leave I would think her heart would grow fonder but if I took it to that step I would be done.

 

I am sorry that it is where it is...

 

But have you had a real, hey this is a serious talk, discussion with her about where you are at and the lack of romance.

 

I have to say buddy, I will never ever be with a woman again that is not completely crazy nuts in love with me. If she is not, she is gone.

 

When they love you the right way, it makes you happy to make them happy, in every way.

 

I hope she comes around, but if she does not, you have to get out. Please do not waste your life with someone that really does not love you.

 

Trust me, it is not worth it...