Married to a roommate

[wmacbride]

OP,

 

if you ask him about what he wants sexually, what does he say?

 

 

One thing about advice on here. While most of it is really great and very heartfelt, we cam only really get one side of the story, which is the nature of an internet forum.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. If he were to post on here about your marriage, what do you think he would say?

 

fwiw ( and this isn't a criticism of you, just an observation), I am an introvert who is married to an extrovert. Sometimes, it can be really difficult.

 

He's a good husband, but we used to have a real problem discussing any issues that we would have. He would talk and talk, and I'd just sit there, waiting for a pause. He took that as a cue to keep right on talking.

 

Once he was finished, he'd get annoyed because I didn't respond. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was that I needed time to sort through what he said and think about how I wanted to answer.

 

he took that to mean I didn't care about what he said, which wasn't true. After a while, I just stopped responding, because he wasn't hearing what I was saying. He thought he did, but he was often way off.

 

I really wish I had more helpful advice for you, but all I really have is a question...

 

It sounds like you are not very happy, but you say he is. How do you know that?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi OP. I think there are many people here who have posted on your thread who are sincerely trying to help you. In my opinion, I believe you and your husband are struggling with compatibility. Certainly he is a good man, and you are a good woman. Just that it seems he is able to offer "x" while you are needing "y."

 

Regardless, one thing that I think you should consider, that has yet to be mentioned on your thread, is that you should try individual counseling. It would be good to explore exactly what your needs are and possibly get some professional advice about effectively communicating those to your husband. A good licensed counselor can point out things that you may not have yet considered in yourself, your and your husband's relationship pattern, and ideas about how to more effectively get your message through besides giving you a professional opinion about what is going on. Good counselors with much experience have seen patterns in other people's marriages, and ways that others either resolved issues or reasons why they didn't. You would benefit from that knowledge.

 

Personally I go to individual counseling sessions with a licensed counselor who counsels tons of married couples, too. I appreciate the insight she provides from the work she does with couples as well as individuals.

[rmurphey15]

My marriage is a roomate situation as well. Two years no sex. Avoid eachother only talk to purchase milk. I actually stopped caring and stopped bringing things up, and distancing myself. This had a great effect on me mentally and she started getting worried because she thought she might lose me. She asked me what she could do to change things. I said changed what I begged from you for years four years ago.

[Anah]

Once again, we have a "Good Man" that is not doing what he needs to do to make his partner happy. (especially sexually)

 

I know that it happens a lot on both the male and female side of the street.

 

For OP - yes he is a good man, good father. But if he and you do not have a sexual and romantic connection, how good of a marriage is it.

 

I can't tell you how many time men and women have written here about their low sex/no sex/vanilla sex relationships.

 

Bluespowers- I guess I wanted to start by saying the only person that can make me happy, is me. That said I think I understand what you're trying to say and in all honesty for the longest time he thought he was making me happy. I have done quite a bit of research on the topic and have found that most guys thank they are pleasing their partner. Many guys feel that because their partner is enjoying the session, (moaning, bagging, wetness etc.. ) they feel they are getting as much out of the session as they are. In the guys defense, many females sometimes fake their enjoyment two stroke their Partners ego. Many women also don't express what they're lacking. I do not and have not ever done that because I feel it's counterproductive. He simply didn't get it, (I wont go into details openly) till i stressed leaving. The issue now, he doesn't know what to do and I think he is hoping it will all blow over.

one of the biggest challenges that most of us face in any relationship is the ability to have an open honest conversation. Many of us are afraid of being judged, left, or the consequences after the conversation.

I don't like publicly putting my relationship issues out there but there is two reasons I even entertained posting.. 1. I wanted to bounce things off of other people and reflect on it. Which some of the comments have been actually extremely helpful. I have taking some time to reflect on comments made here and have then talk to my husband again. which I will post about later. 2. I'm hoping that people with similar situations will get something out of this post and maybe they will also find it helpful.

In my opinion it's very crucial to be able to have difficult conversations in order to have the best fulfilling relationship.

as for the FWB I have asked several times and been left with a big no in response.

As for how I treat , you are correct. I don't intentionally do that and actually since posting I haven't done that since. Being able to express that that's what I was doing, I was able to reflect on that and feel I have gotten it under control. Which I will also explain in a later post.

[Anah]

if you ask him about what he wants sexually, what does he say?

I have asked and he shuts down. He either doesn't reply or says he gets what he wants sexually.

 

he took that to mean I didn't care about what he said, which wasn't true. After a while, I just stopped responding, because he wasn't hearing what I was saying. He thought he did, but he was often way off.

I find the above comment helpful and I will have to reflect on that a little.

 

It sounds like you are not very happy, but you say he is. How do you know that? - because i asked.

[Anah]

Hi OP. I think there are many people here who have posted on your thread who are sincerely trying to help you. In my opinion, I believe you and your husband are struggling with compatibility. Certainly he is a good man, and you are a good woman. Just that it seems he is able to offer "x" while you are needing "y."

 

Regardless, one thing that I think you should consider, that has yet to be mentioned on your thread, is that you should try individual counseling. It would be good to explore exactly what your needs are and possibly get some professional advice about effectively communicating those to your husband. A good licensed counselor can point out things that you may not have yet considered in yourself, your and your husband's relationship pattern, and ideas about how to more effectively get your message through besides giving you a professional opinion about what is going on. Good counselors with much experience have seen patterns in other people's marriages, and ways that others either resolved issues or reasons why they didn't. You would benefit from that knowledge.

 

Personally I go to individual counseling sessions with a licensed counselor who counsels tons of married couples, too. I appreciate the insight she provides from the work she does with couples as well as individuals.

That's great advice. I do feel it's important to give everything a try. so my question back to you how do I find such a counselor. When I search, I find many counselors that say their marriage counselors but have little to no marriage counseling experience or degree. I know because I personally know a few.

I have found a counselor I might be interested in, but he's in Colorado and I live a few states away.

So any advice on how to find an actual experienced licensed marriage counselor I'm all ears.

[Anah]

My marriage is a roomate situation as well. Two years no sex. Avoid eachother only talk to purchase milk. I actually stopped caring and stopped bringing things up, and distancing myself. This had a great effect on me mentally and she started getting worried because she thought she might lose me. She asked me what she could do to change things. I said changed what I begged from you for years four years ago.

I can sympathize with you however I'm not in a sexless marriage. I'm extremely sexual. Luckily for me my spouse is a male because I do know for whatever reason ( I'll probably never understand because I don't ever see me having the issue) some women can simply take sex or leave it. I'm not sure what your story is but if its the lack of sex I don't have much insight for you. I simply don't understand why some women can go without sex. I know a guy who has had sex maybe three times in the last 10 years with his wife. I personally wouldn't have been able to deal with that, that would be grounds for divorce if we weren't sexual. I don't understand why anybody could or would deal with that in a relationship.

as for your comment about stop caring and distancing yourself that is exactly I am at, only I'm halfway out the door. More than halfway.

[MidlifeMama]

Your husband sounds very much like my own. I had the "Serious Talk" yet again the other night. He sits, listens, doesn't respond much, looks sad. He says,"I don't bring stuff up because you get defensive"...heavy sigh. I say, maybe I do, out of frustration,because the things I bring up, he seems to brush under the rug or have a "rebuttal" that some how makes it all on me.

 

He said, I'm afraid of these serious discussions because 2 years ago you wanted a divorce and I'm afraid this is where the conversation is headed. I say, you should be afraid to not talk to me more as my willingness to want to talk about these tough issues means I still want to work at it, if possible.

 

I ask him,"Why do I have to be the one to constantly bring up the serious discussions?" I tell him that's a lot on me. I need communication. I hate the silent treatment as we walk around with the elephant in the room. He says,"I avoid stuff because it's uncomfortable and yes, I hope if I avoid it, it will go away." He finally admitted that and I don't see that changing.

 

Sound familiar?

 

I get it all out, ask for more communication, more intimacy, more sex..he says he wants that too. We hug, then move on. The next day I text him at work and say,"I'm sorry if I made you feel bad." WTH is wrong with me? I always feel bad for expressing my needs.

 

I figure, o.k. we'll have a nice dinner, wine, maybe some sex...we have a nice dinner, wine and watch t.v. In his defense, I also texted, lets just see where the romance goes, no pressure. He is likely feeling pressure now that I once again brought up our serious issues. It seems like a revolving door...does it feel that way for you also?

 

I am working on ME also and responsible for my happiness also, like you say. My role as a Wife & Mother, even though my kids are grown, still keeps me feeling stuck and guilty to change my life. I remind myself, I will always be my children's Mother, even if not married to their Father. It's very hard to give up my idea of the Family Unit. There is so much divorce. It sucks, it's sad.

 

I appreciate your post and honesty and sharing what you are going through. I am going through the exact same thing (as you know)

 

FWB...had it, not proud. Of course he doesn't know. Left me emotionally gutted, yet showed me what good sex could be. I hate the person I became. Never thought I would be that person. In my mind, I have chosen a person in my husband who meets many qualities I need and desire, yet I pushed down the physical/sexual desire as I felt like maybe I can't have it all..chose wisely since my past relationships had involved abuse.

 

I don't think any man would "allow" FWB, thus many cheat. Some get off on that kind of thing but I don't see you being fulfilled with that, do you?

 

I know there are people who have both emotional and physical satisfaction in their relationships, I'm just not so sure I can go through the trials and tribulations I may need to go through to find that person. Do you feel scared that way also? It's hard to leave what seems to be a "Perfectly safe, nice relationship."

 

Especially at mid life. So, for me, I continue to TRY to make things work. I will at some point likely go my own way. I just do not have the courage at this time to do so.

[Anah]

Your husband sounds very much like my own. I had the "Serious Talk" yet again the other night. He sits, listens, doesn't respond much, looks sad. He says,"I don't bring stuff up because you get defensive"...heavy sigh. I say, maybe I do, out of frustration,because the things I bring up, he seems to brush under the rug or have a "rebuttal" that some how makes it all on me.

- yes that all sounds very familiar. However you seem to get more input during your conversation than i do from my hubby. Mine mainly agrees or disagrees with what im saying and only after a long silence and then me saying.. are you going to say anything. However in his defense, most of the time when we have our deep convos its usually when i reach mt breaking point and I'm angry. I have mixed feelings of wanting things talkout/figured out and wanting him to show that he gives a ****. Which isnt fair to him either.

And i feel my husband doesnt bring stuff up for the same reasons your hubby stated. I dont know that to be factual because hes hasnt said that but i suspect it. I know im not perfect but he won't have a discussion with me about things he would like to see different. The only thing we ever really talk about is stuff pertaining to the household, the kids, Financial, day to day stuff and that's about it.

I no longer have any emotional connection to him. Looking back as I think about it now, I think the reason that I didn't notice it till about 10 years ago is because of the kids. We were very busy it was a constant run run run and many times we worked multiple jobs just to make it. Where now we only have one child still at home and we have the time to spend time together and talk and we don't.

I get your hubbys fear of divorce, but if he doesnt want it.. he should have those talks and try to figure out what you need. So should mine.

[

I figure, o.k. we'll have a nice dinner, wine, maybe some sex...we have a nice dinner, wine and watch t.v. In his defense, I also texted, lets just see where the romance goes, no pressure. He is likely feeling pressure now that I once again brought up our serious issues. It seems like a revolving door...does it feel that way for you also? - i dont know if my hubby feels pressure or not. My issue is more that i want him to want try new sexual things or find new ways to explore our sexual experiance, or intimacy. For me its not about romance its about having an emotional connection, feeling wanted, needed and that i mean something important to him. Although, thinking about it we could be talking about the same thing. I just call it something else. Its not hard to accomplish those with me.. I'm simple. Im not a girl that needs someone to blow a lot of money on. Or buy fancy things. I just need some quality time and actual effort on his part to show me that he needs me/wants me here. That im not just a ****ing house maid, mother of his children and a fwb that he lives with... where im getting nothing out of the sex. Ok not nothing, but def not enough. But yes, the intimacy is rountine same old same old.

And no, i didnt think a fwb is something that would work long term for me. It would be a bandaid, and i feel adding another element would only add more complications.

 

I know there are people who have both emotional and physical satisfaction in their relationships, I'm just not so sure I can go through the trials and tribulations I may need to go through to find that person. Do you feel scared that way also? It's hard to leave what seems to be a "Perfectly safe, nice relationship." - yes i feel the same way, plus at my age, im not sure i have it in me to start over. Try to get to know someone again, see if we are a good fit. Plus get to know the families. One will never find someone that 100% fits their expectations but if you can get 80% your doing great. Or should be. Which is also why i struggle so much and feel selfish.

I stay because i know what we had before, it was amazing and I do want to be with him.

 

I wish the answer was as simple as me pushing a button to order someone to show him/teach him what i need. Or ordering him a new memory board that has everything programed for him to understand what our relationship is missing. Sadly, its not that simple.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anah, I really do not know if I am qualified to respond on your thread but I did have a few questions and observations and also suggestions which may seem quirky to you. However, considering the dilemma that you are facing I think you should at least, get opinions and observations across the board, even if some of them are from left field.

 

I'll start with some questions. How long did you date your husband before you got married and what is the age difference between you two? When you were dating and also in the first few years of marriage who was the more sexual of the two? Was your husband always reticent in his interactions with you all those years ago or was he much more gregarious and outspoken and then gradually retired into his shell as the years passed? Was he romantic and passionate all those years ago or was he just a bit better than what he is like now?

 

I was wondering what kind of setting you arrange when you have these conversations with your husband? Do you ambush him when he is least expecting it or do you give him advance notice so that he has time to withdraw into his shell and become tight lipped? Have you tried easing him into a conversation while having a glass of wine or beer or some other drink? Actually, he should be the one having the drinks while you restrict yourself to just a glass of wine or a single beer so that you are stone cold sober and able to get your questions out without distortions. Is your husband a physically active man as in does he like walking, running or does he play golf and so on? Do both of you go to the gym? In terms of physical appearance are you both on the slim side or slightly over weight or tending on obesity?

 

Your husband's lack of sexual drive may be hormonal in that his testosterone levels may have gone down. A visit to the doc would clarify things for you along with prescriptions to rectify that problem. I hope he doesn't suffer from diabetes in which case he would probably have erectile dysfunction. Is it possible that he is depressed?

 

You said that your husband has become lazy and is comfortable with the way things are. If that be the case maybe he needs a jolt to wake him up and get him on his feet. You could get yourself a new wardrobe and some really sexy clothes thrown in. If you have female friends with the time and inclination you could start going out with them, say weekly for GNOs or to the movies. If you are not a member of a gym then you could become one now. Do you work and would you be able to support yourself on your own? The thing is that if your husband is not stirring himself then you do not need to be stuck at home along with him. Chart out your own social life without infidelity in it. When he sees you changing so much he is sure to get a fright and think that he is losing you which by the way, is the idea.

 

Oh and one last question. As a child was your husband abused or was his family atmosphere abusive? Was he bullied in school? These factors, if they existed may be the cause of his present day problems. If that be the case then maybe a psychiatrist can help him heal.

 

As I said at the start of my post I may not be qualified to really respond on your thread so do forgive any transgressions I may have made in suggesting things. Warm wishes.

Edited October 14, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Anah]

I LOVE left field.

How long did you date your husband before you got married and what is the age difference between you two? When you were dating and also in the first few years of marriage who was the more sexual of the two? Was your husband always reticent in his interactions with you all those years ago or was he much more gregarious and outspoken and then gradually retired into his shell as the years passed? Was he romantic and passionate all those years ago or was he just a bit better than what he is like now? - we dated for 6yrs. We are 4 yrs apart. Hes older. I was definitely the more sexual one, I've always known that.

I wouldnt descibe him as out spoken. We were getting to know each other as any new couple. However, looking back.. i used to point out that he was able to have convo with other people and didnt with me. I remember going to a Christmas party with him (dating for 2 yrs) and he spent over 2hrs talking to one of our friends at another table. He was talking to her about me, what he liked about me, why he was with me etc... i think part of the issue is hes used to me and has me, no effort needed. I wouldnt say romatic, it was passionate. We dont have that any longer. And i can tell you exactly how the sexual scene will be from start to finish before we even get started. Before he did more sexually.

 

I was wondering what kind of setting you arrange when you have these conversations with your husband? Do you ambush him when he is least expecting it or do you give him advance notice so that he has time to withdraw into his shell and become tight lipped? Have you tried easing him into a conversation while having a glass of wine or beer or some other drink? Actually, he should be the one having the drinks while you restrict yourself to just a glass of wine or a single beer so that you are stone cold sober and able to get your questions out without distortions. Is your husband a physically active man as in does he like walking, running or does he play golf and so on? Do both of you go to the gym? In terms of physical appearance are you both on the slim side or slightly over weight or tending on obesity? - most of the time i tell him we need to talk, then we set up a time to do that. But thats not always the case.. so i suppose at times i do both. That said, we almost always feel good after our talks. As the years went on, it felt good to get it off my chest again, even though i knew nothing was going to change. As for drinks, every single time i have tried that, something happened and we end up not chatting. Drinks woupf work better for him because he is more open and chats.

He's fit and I've been over wt for several years after a life changing event. I work out, he doesnt. We recently had a conversation about possibly working out together. However im not hopeful thats going to happen because he has zero follow though unless i nag. Soo

 

Your husband's lack of sexual drive may be hormonal in that his testosterone levels may have gone down. A visit to the doc would clarify things for you along with prescriptions to rectify that problem. I hope he doesn't suffer from diabetes in which case he would probably have erectile dysfunction. Is it possible that he is depressed? - yes i have thought of his hormones and have in the past asked him to get it checked. He said he would.. and didnt. But since you meantion it.. i will try to ask him again. I honestly don't think its that. Hes not depressed, nor am i.

 

As a child was your husband abused or was his family atmosphere abusive? Was he bullied in school? These factors, if they existed may be the cause of his present day problems. If that be the case then maybe a psychiatrist can help him heal. -

He wasnt abused and comes from a good christian family. He wasn't bullied.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anah, thank you for your response. Since you have ruled out most of the possibilities of where his problems could lie I really do not know what else you could do. Wine or beer might have helped him become more relaxed and with lowered inhibitions so he might blurt out something which is causing him a problem which, when he is sober he keeps tightly locked up in the confidential portion of his brain. One out of the ordinary suggestion does come to mind that you could try if you are open to it. You could consult a renowned psychic about your problem and ask him/her if a solution is possible. A world renowned psychic of the caliber of Sylvia Browne would certainly be able to shed some light on your problem and offer some solutions. However it is an unorthodox method and not everyone would be ready to try it. If you are desperate enough then it may be worth a try. All the best going forward with whatever course of action you take.

[Anah]

Thank you. I never thought about that as an option, honestly. I'll give it some thought.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

That's great advice. I do feel it's important to give everything a try. so my question back to you how do I find such a counselor. When I search, I find many counselors that say their marriage counselors but have little to no marriage counseling experience or degree. I know because I personally know a few.

I have found a counselor I might be interested in, but he's in Colorado and I live a few states away.

So any advice on how to find an actual experienced licensed marriage counselor I'm all ears.

 

If you have insurance, I would say to start with those providers who would be in your plan. Otherwise, Google for those in your area. Then, from their websites, I would look at what their methods are (and maybe educate yourself on those methods), what areas they specialize in, what their personal religious belief system is (religion, etc). Technically, counselors' religious beliefs shouldn't influence their expertise, but I feel more comfortable with someone who has a solid understanding of my own values and doctrine. My counselor is open minded spiritually. If you have a strong religious belief, working with someone with good knowledge of that belief will help you both in adhering to principles you are comfortable with.

 

After you have found a couple or few that you think may be a good match, call them and ask lots of questions. Mention why you are calling, and what you hope to achieve in counseling. Then listen closely to their responses. Go with whom you feel most comfortable with. That is the key. You have to be able to trust your counselor implicitly, or at least feel like you could work towards that. Good luck!

Edited October 17, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anah, would your personal physician be able to help you locate a good counselor? Maybe worth a try.

[MidlifeMama]

I read an article on how common midlife or long-term marriage divorces are now. The one lady said,"I was sitting next to my husband on one of our date nights and it hit me. I thought, I was so bored with this person and if I was single, I would never go on another date with him. It was uncomfortable and awkward. We had nothing to talk about and nothing in common."

 

I think all marriages go through this. Sometimes you have to push through.

 

I think I read with you, that your husband doesn't even spend time with you. That's a huge problem, IMO. We do try in this relationship and for the most part, we enjoy each others company. I find myself wandering, my thoughts. I try to keep conversations going, but it does get uncomfortable, as I have seen in the example I read about it. I feel like I am out with a friend.

 

Would you want to spend more time with your spouse? If so, start making plans to do so and see how that goes. My issues isn't so much of getting away, bringing back the spark, as much as it ... was the spark there to begin with?

 

Sounds like yours was and there could be opportunities to reignite.

[Anah]

plan. Otherwise, Google for those in your area. Then, from their websites, I would look at what their methods are (and maybe educate yourself on those methods), what areas they specialize in, what their personal religious belief system is (religion, etc). Technically, counselors' religious beliefs shouldn't influence their expertise, but I feel more comfortable with someone who has a solid understanding of my own values and doctrine. - well thats part of my issue.. im noy so trusting because im a private person, even posting here is hard. I wouldn't go to a councilor anywhere near where i live. Id intertain someone on line. Or someone a few hours away.

[Anah]

Would you want to spend more time with your spouse? If so, start making plans to do so and see how that goes. My issues isn't so much of getting away, bringing back the spark, as much as it ... was the spark there to begin with? - We do spend time together but I feel like I'm hanging out with a friend who i can hug. We never have in depth convos unless i start them... we get along great when we are together.

[kazen]

As a man and someone who is also an introvert, I can say that the closer I am to someone, the less I can speak to them simply because we already know each other well enough, there's not much to talk about. Men like us are not build for chatting and chatting. Yes we could chat with strangers or friends for hours because they haven't heard our stories yet. So there's a lot to share. I also think the reason why he goes do stuff without you is to get some alone time. Introverts needs that. I do feel your pain. And I don't blame ya for being unhappy in this marriage. We introverts are easily content. And I feel I would have made the same mistake your husband made if I was married. That's why I chose not to get married. I enjoy my freedom too much. Being around someone 24/7 would have leave me completely exhausted and I would be quiet most of the time due to that lack of energy.

 

Anyways, I don't have a solution to your problem. I just hope you and your husband could find a situation where you both are happy.

[Anah]

Men like us are not build for chatting and chatting. Yes we could chat with strangers or friends for hours because they haven't heard our stories yet. So there's a lot to share. I also think the reason why he goes do stuff without you is to get some alone time. Introverts needs that. I do feel your pain - I'm perfectly fine with him hanging out with frienfds or needing time to himself.. we all neef that. Its actually healthy for a relationship for couples to do things apart. We both do things without each other and we do things with each other.

I think the real issue is he doesnt tell me his thoughts, what he's feeling. He doesnt even tell me if i do something he doesnt like. I'm not perfect, there has to be something i do or say he doesn't like. But i wouldn't know. I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has... his response, he has none.. Everyone has fantasies.. i dont care who you are. I guess the point I'm making is we dont have an open relationship. The only thing we talk about is the day to day stuff. Yesterday we had the house to our self from 5 on.. we did the same routine as if our child were home.. its always like that unless "I"make it happen or plan it. Hes never really showed me that he wants to be with me other than hes here. He doesn't have a need to spend time with me... never has. When he leaves for weeks or a weekend.. he doesnt text or call. If i dont text or call him.. i wouldn't hear from him till he got home. Which the last few years.. i dont reach out anymore. If he doesn't care, why the **** should I?!

[Anah]

Hes never really showed me that he wants to be with me other than hes here. He doesn't have a need to spend time with me - think i should clarify this.. when i do plan stuff and we do do things.. we both enjoy our time together.. I can tell he's happy he's with me and wants to be out with me or doing things with me. I'm s**t full of being the one making all the effort to work on the relationship. Bottom line.. I dont feel wanted or needed. And i dont feel any emotional connection any more because of it.

[kazen]

M

I think the real issue is he doesnt tell me his thoughts, what he's feeling. He doesnt even tell me if i do something he doesnt like. I'm not perfect, there has to be something i do or say he doesn't like. But i wouldn't know. I asked him to tell me a fantasy he has... his response, he has none.. Everyone has fantasies.. i dont care who you are. I guess the point I'm making is we dont have an open relationship. The only thing we talk about is the day to day stuff. Yesterday we had the house to our self from 5 on.. we did the same routine as if our child were home.. its always like that unless "I"make it happen or plan it. Hes never really showed me that he wants to be with me other than hes here. He doesn't have a need to spend time with me... never has. When he leaves for weeks or a weekend.. he doesnt text or call. If i dont text or call him.. i wouldn't hear from him till he got home. Which the last few years.. i dont reach out anymore. If he doesn't care, why the **** should I?!

 

You should watch this video. She is a matchmaker and she offer some solid advice to women regarding marriage and dating. I think parts of it applies to your situation:

 

By the way, I'm not saying you're being unrealistic, I think your desire is warranted. It's just that men are quite different than women. I hope it helps you understand that better.

Edited October 23, 2017 by kazen

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anah, seems like you haven't yet got the answers that you want or need. I was reflecting back on something that WMcbride suggested early on in your thread which was to try and shock him out of his complacency. One way to do that would be to start doing things on your own like attending a gym and going out on GNOs, or maybe take in a movie with one of your friends or maybe join a club of like minded people who involve in activities that could keep you occupied and active. When you do this you do not have to tell him in detail what you are doing or where you are going just that you will be out for a while. You can tell him how long you'll be gone and when you expect to be back but nothing more than that. Also, you do not have to get his concurrence about what you are planning to do. Just inform him that you will be going out and for how long. If he does ask just say friends and if you expect to be late tell him not to wait up. I think this should be enough to give him the jolt he needs to get out of his comfort zone and up his game with you. If he is phlegmatic about your new avatar then you know things have gone beyond the point of recovery and you can plan your exit from this stifling relationship.

 

By the way, did you follow through on the suggestion about the psychic. That could be your last ditch try to salvage things before you throw in the towel. As always, I wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do.

[AMarriedMan]

All I can say is that the ability to be perfectly content living alone is the greatest gift a person can have.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Married man, you may be correct. However very few people have the mental and emotional fortitude to be able to do that. As the years go by loneliness becomes the one great spoilsport to an otherwise idyllic solution. Just a thought.