Dumped after 3 years of an amazing relationship

[Octavian8]

I've finally built up the courage to post here so here goes. I feel like writing my story and putting it out there for some feedback will give me some catharsis at least. Now before everyone tells me to do NC and work on myself etc. I just want to say that I have been doing these things. I have been going to the gym and generally taking care of my own business and goals, and have gotten rid of mementos and initiated NC for the past 3 weeks. I apologize for the upcoming wall of text but it all seems relevant to the breakup.

 

My ex and I dated for nearly 3 years. We met when I was 21 and she was 23, and we are now nearly 24 and 26 respectively. I had previously been in a long term relationship before this one so I was more experienced, while she had never dated before so I was her first boyfriend (she started dating quite late at 23). The only way I can describe the relationship for the first two and a half years is nothing short of amazing. I felt like I had found the girl of my dreams. We understood each other, we very rarely fought, treated each other with respect, made each other's face hurt from laughing, and both seemed madly in love with each other. In my mind I always envisioned myself marrying her. During this 2 year period I was finishing up my undergraduate degree, while she had found a job and moved about 40 minutes from where I live. We saw each other about twice a week.

 

Things started to seem slightly off about a month after I graduated from university. I planned to take the summer off and relax after being very burned out from working and going to school for so long, and she always said she supported, and even encouraged me doing that because she did the same thing after finishing college. We went on a trip to a town near where we live to spend a weekend with a female friend of hers she hadn't seen in a long time. The trip went well but about halfway through the trip and on the way back she seemed kind of off. After this week, I took a week long vacation with my family. During this time we texted back and forth and she was acting kind of distant. When I returned and we met up again I asked what was going on, and she asked me what my plans for the future with her were, and when I thought I'd be ready to move in with her. I told her my plan was to be with her, and I gave her a time frame for moving in with her which I deemed reasonable, and she seemed happy with the answer and said I was worth waiting for. As soon as we had this convo I immediately got serious about looking for work so I could move in with her as soon as I could. However the distant texts didn't change, she replied less, gave short replies, and rarely if ever flirted with me over text anymore.

 

During this time she was saying she was very stressed out at her job because she had been given much more responsibility there, and blamed her stress on her work, and I (naively) took her word for it and didn't worry about it too much, especially because whenever we met in person things seemed completely normal and the same as before. It was only in these texts that she seemed distant. I thought either she was stressed, or just that maybe some of the "honeymoon period" was ending and things would kind of stabilize, or that maybe she just didn't feel like texting.

 

The last weekend of August was the last one we spent as a couple. By then I was starting to get kind of anxious about the way she was acting, so I thought I'd better talk to her in person about why she was acting the way she was. I intended to bring it up in person but she just seemed so romantic and loving and normal I that I didn't say anything, thinking to myself that I was paranoid or I was just overthinking things.

 

The upcoming week she had the most stressful week of the year at her work and so she rarely texted me and came of as extremely distant. I called her mid week to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk on the phone cause work was making her very tired. When the week ended she went to her parents for the Labor Day long weekend. I thought she would text more normally but she was being even more distant so I finally just asked what's going on and why are you being so distant lately, you keep saying it's just work but it feels like you're upset with me. I expected it could be something we could work through or figure out like we usually did, but she sent me a message breaking up with me which I'll post verbatim:

 

"First of all, I'm sooo sorry I know I've been distancing myself lately. I thought it was just work stressing me out, but lately I have been feeling like something's missing between us and I feel like we're in 2 different places in our lives right now so I've been kinda frustrated by that, but I know it's not your fault at all! I know you're taking steps towards a job and moving out and I really appreciate that...but I've just been thinking it might be a good time to maybe step back and take a break for a bit and let us both see what else is out there before we commit too much, you know? I just don't want to pressure you too move too fast and prevent you from exploring other options too before we get too serious...but i swear youve done nothing wrong you've been an amazing boyfriend, I'm just saying what's in my heart right now."

 

Now upon reading this I told her I wanted to speak in person so I drove over to her place like a madman to try to work through this. Basically I tried explaining to her that I'm gonna be where she needs me to be very soon and doing everything in my power to make it happen. I also told her that I really envisioned a future with her and wanted to be with her and that I already am 100% serious about being with her and I'll take whatever steps to make that happen. Basically I told her how strongly i feel about us, and that I truly felt we had a special relationship worth fighting for and that I absolutely saw and planned my future to be with her.

 

Her main reasoning for breaking up that she elaborated on in person seems to be that she doesn't want to get too serious or to make me rush into getting serious with her because she doesn't know if I'm "the one" (which I don't personally believe exists) because she doesn't have any other experience to compare to (because I'm her first boyfriend) so she doesn't want to commit to me and then resent me later or regret it when we've moved in or are engaged, and that lots of her friends who were getting more serious or were engaged either regretted it or had multiple boyfriends to figure out what they want and she didn't want to regret not trying something else. But it seemed like I got through to her somewhat so she took two days to think about what she should do. Although she still voiced that she had this concern about her lack of experience in relationships before I left.

 

Now 2 days later she calls me and she says that she thought about it and she still feels the same. She said she wishes she didn't feel this way but she feels like its something she has to do because she is always gonna be wondering "what if". She said it doesn't have to be forever and that if we're right for each other we will get back together someday. She said she hopes she realizes she was wrong and that she will probably regret this but she feels like its something she has to do now or she will never do later when things are more serious between us and we are more committed etc. and she can't break it off as easily. She said I hope you understand and I said I do understand I just don't agree and I hope you realize that we had something great and special together. She started to cry that she doesn't want to lose me and wanted to still be friends, but I told her its best if we don't talk for a while and agreed not to talk, and we haven't talked since. I didn't make the classic mistakes from my first failed relationship like begging, calling over and over and texting, or trying to remain friends. However that doesn't make this breakup that much easier, especially because I was much more invested and truly saw a future with this one. If anyone asked me I would say I'd marry her and considered her the closest thing to what a soul mate could be if that existed.

 

It's now been over three weeks since we spoke. We had agreed for me to drop her stuff off in front of her door so I did that about a week and a half ago, and she removed her relationship status on Facebook and changed her profile picture of us together. I have been trying to work on myself as stated earlier, and have controlled myself to not contact her and maintained NC, but I'm still in deep deep pain, and think about her every second my mind is idle. I do think I'm in a state of depression. I sleep for about 12 hours a day and don't enjoy doing anything I used to do anymore. I just try to keep busy on my own goals such as the new volunteering position I took up, looking for work, and hanging out with friends and family. However, I do still feel like Im hanging on to her words that our breakup (or "break" as she calls it) doesn't have to be forever, and that she thinks she will regret the breakup, and she hopes that she realizes I'm "the one". She seems like she wants to try dating other people and wants to keep me on the backburner. I also feel like she is being contradictory, as she wanted me to move in with her, but now is getting cold feet at getting too serious when I actually take steps to make it happen. I'm having a lot of trouble not hanging on to those words, and wondering how serious she is about the prospect of getting back together with me. I just can't believe she can feel this way after the amazing relationship we had up until a couple months ago. Maybe I projected my own feelings on to her and assumed she felt the same, but how could I not when everything was going so well and she seemed so happy with me. She always said she loved me more and more every time she saw me (until she started getting distant), and I truly felt the same way about her.

 

I can kind of see how lack of experience might be an issue for some people, but I never took her for someone who thought like that, especially because she was a relatively timid and cautious girl, and she began dating late in life. I guess I was wrong. I'm more of an old school kind of guy, and I feel like if two people want to work things out they can somehow if they truly want to and if they love each other, and these reasons weren't something we couldn't overcome. I also don't know if I could take her back after she has been with someone else, I don't know how I'd feel about it if i were in that situation, but I'm scared I might not want her back. Either way I am completely devastated. Rationally I know I need to move on and focus on myself and have been applying that, but I can't help but feel some kind of hope she will come back. I truly loved this girl with all my heart and saw my future with her, so rewriting that in my mind is very hard, as is letting go of hope based on the things she said. I just can't understand what changed in her mind for her to start feeling this way, and I feel like she left these crumbs of hope for me to latch on to.

 

Please help me out, sometimes I feel okay but most times I'm losing my mind and it takes tremendous effort not to break no contact and to crush these feelings of hope inside me. Thank you.

[Jt93]

Hi Octavian,

 

I was in a similar-ish position to you in where my ex left me for what seemed to me, no reason at all. its in my threads if you want the info.

 

You need to give her space and stay NC, trust me it is the best way. I kept in touch for around 2 weeks and it just prolonged the pain i was feeling.

 

This is a decision she has to make on her own, and you giving her the space will enable her to do that. If she comes back then great because she realised what she really wanted. And if she doesnt come back thats also great too because she obviously isnt the right girl for you and you wont have gotten any deeper with someone with whom it wasnt going to last forever with.

 

It is not going to be easy though. After my BU it turned a bit sour between myself and my ex but i maintained NC and within 2 weeks she had contacted me again to see how i was but i dont want anything to do with her anymore. i couldnt trust her ever again. I am at 4 months and it is still hard for me now but believe me, it is way easier in terms of heartbreak and wanting to get in touch than at first.

 

Keep yourself as occupied as possible, join the gym, take part in classes, spend time with family and friends, go on holidays, just keep busy and keep your mind off things as much as possible but when the feelings do come, embrace them and feel them otherwise i believe they will be bottled up and come out all at once.

 

Good luck and know you are not on your own in this.

[edem]

I’m really sorry about this. Sounds like ya’ll had a good thing going. A broomsticks in the spokes of a seemingly good relationship is always abrupt and painful. My heart goes out to you man. To me, it’s better if you don’t contact her, at least for now. She has stated where she is at emotionally so I’d respect her and give her that space. That doesn’t mean you can’t follow-up with her at a later date to see if her heart has changed. My guess, however, is that she’d definitely contact you if something ever became different on her side. I hear you about not letting go of hope. Personally, I tend to hang-on for a long time after a break-up. But take it a day at a time and trust that she’ll contact you if she needs to. Otherwise, would you want to be with someone who isn’t sure about you, anyway? My guess is that you’d want to be with someone as excited about working things out as you are. I'll say a pray for ya man.

[OutKast100]

ok that is a really ****ty situation and you should not break contact with her. She basically just wants to sleep around with other guys and if she gets bored of that she will change her mind and come back to you after. Screw that!

I know that right know you feel sad and depressed but after a while those feelings will turn to anger and you will realize that she is not worth being sad over. If something like this were to happen in general then at least be thankful that it happened now instead of when you were married with kids and she cheats on you or something like that.

Stay with no contact and it will get better with time trust me. Im also pretty sure that she will come back to you at some point but you need to be in a position of power so that if she offers to take you back you don't do it right away. How can you be with someone who just throws you away after 3 years just to see what else is out there? Does not sound like someone that I would want to marry.

If you want then hold out hope for 2 or 3 months to see if she reaches out but I suggest you forget about her as quickly as possible. Like she said, you did nothing wrong so you have no reason to contact her, she already knows that you want to be with her so it is up to her to contact you.

There are other women out there and the chances that there is someone better than her are strong. Take a few weeks or months off to keep busy and then start dating again. I know you don't really want to hear this now but you would be suprised how much better you would feel to go out and spend time with another woman who is interested in you, it will definately help you.

If you have the urge to contact her then I suggest you do something else like maybe watch a youtube video which talks about how to resist the urge to contact your ex, or just go for a walk or a run and when you come back you will have a clearer head. Youre already doing the right things so just stay strong and it will get better.

[Octavian8]

 

I was in a similar-ish position to you in where my ex left me for what seemed to me, no reason at all. its in my threads if you want the info.

 

You need to give her space and stay NC, trust me it is the best way. I kept in touch for around 2 weeks and it just prolonged the pain i was feeling.

 

This is a decision she has to make on her own, and you giving her the space will enable her to do that. If she comes back then great because she realised what she really wanted. And if she doesnt come back thats also great too because she obviously isnt the right girl for you and you wont have gotten any deeper with someone with whom it wasnt going to last forever with.

 

It is not going to be easy though. After my BU it turned a bit sour between myself and my ex but i maintained NC and within 2 weeks she had contacted me again to see how i was but i dont want anything to do with her anymore. i couldnt trust her ever again. I am at 4 months and it is still hard for me now but believe me, it is way easier in terms of heartbreak and wanting to get in touch than at first.

 

Keep yourself as occupied as possible, join the gym, take part in classes, spend time with family and friends, go on holidays, just keep busy and keep your mind off things as much as possible but when the feelings do come, embrace them and feel them otherwise i believe they will be bottled up and come out all at once.

 

Good luck and know you are not on your own in this.

Hi Jt93,

Thank you very much for your reply, it really helped. I come back to read this thread every little while and it brings me some clarity.

 

I read through your previous threads and wow, what an ordeal you've been through. Truly sorry man I know it must have been so painful, especially knowing what I'm feeling now at the three week stage. It's horrible that these things happen to good people, it really seems so cruel that someone can do this out of the blue for seemingly no reason. I hope you continue to heal.

 

The thing that hurts me the most is that I really thought she cared about me and valued me the same way I valued her. And I really couldn't have seen it any other way based on how she behaved, what she would say, and how the relationship went. Its hard not romanticizing something genuinely good. At least my previous ex had serious flaws and treated me poorly, so it was easy to see the silver lining. I wish she saw me the way I saw her, and the way I thought she saw me in the past, why cant she see it? I dont understand how things changed so quickly in her mind from being head over heels to wanting to see other people in the span of 2 months.

 

I realized the same thing about giving her space and thankfully I learned to do that from my previous breakup, but it's absolute hell. I know I've said my piece and the ball is in her court, and thats one of the most stressful situations to be in. Not knowing what will happen, not being in control at all. And I have that ghost leg with my phone, I always feel it ring and I hope its her texting, but i dont even have my phone in my pocket! Your mind plays some serious games with you.

[Octavian8]

I’m really sorry about this. Sounds like ya’ll had a good thing going. A broomsticks in the spokes of a seemingly good relationship is always abrupt and painful. My heart goes out to you man. To me, it’s better if you don’t contact her, at least for now. She has stated where she is at emotionally so I’d respect her and give her that space. That doesn’t mean you can’t follow-up with her at a later date to see if her heart has changed. My guess, however, is that she’d definitely contact you if something ever became different on her side. I hear you about not letting go of hope. Personally, I tend to hang-on for a long time after a break-up. But take it a day at a time and trust that she’ll contact you if she needs to. Otherwise, would you want to be with someone who isn’t sure about you, anyway? My guess is that you’d want to be with someone as excited about working things out as you are. I'll say a pray for ya man.

 

Hi edem,

 

Thanks for the heartfelt reply I really appreciate it. I have been praying every night, so thank you for the prayer every single one helps. I know I need to give her the space and I have been, although it has been brutal I know its for the best for the both of us. Im having a hard time figuring out when I should follow up with her and what I would even say. Im scared of what the conversation would be. But I know I have to face that at some point regardless of who contacts who.

 

As for not wanting to be with someone who isnt sure about me i dont want that of course. I also told her that when she broke up with me. I just cant understand why she is no longer sure I guess. I know was 100% sure and for a long time i thought she was too. Another thing that gets to me is that at first I wasn't so sure about her too because she was so inexperienced but I gave her the benefit of the doubt (i guess against my better judgement because now its a major factor in the breakup) and I was patient with her and things worked out for the best (until now). It was my choice to do that because I recognized the value she had. I recognized she was an awesome person and I was willing to help her grow, and let her grow with me because I could see that. It hurts so much she won't give me the same chance.

 

Maybe she needs time to gain some perspective and experience I guess, I'm just scared shell find someone better but i guess thats how life goes. I feel like shes just looking for an upgrade and I feel like I'm a second choice now and that hurts. I would never treat someone I love like that. She claims she still loves me but I dont know what the heck kind of love that is. When I love someone I want to be with them and cherish them and do my best to work things out with them within the relationship before I look elsewhere. It seems to me like she didn't even try.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Octavian8, there is a silver lining here. And it is that had you married and had little children with her and then had her get antsy because she wanted to know "what's out there," then left you, it would be a whole lot worse. I've known folks in that situation.

 

As awful as this is, it's better to find out now what she's truly made of.

 

You mentioned she's kind of quiet, shy or cautious? Possibly there's a lot going on in her mind she doesn't share, but idk, maybe she wasn't cautious with you, just in general.

 

From the way you write, I get the sense you are a really great guy with a lot to offer. I know right now she's the only one you want but am certain there are many wonderful women out there who will be as well suited for you as this one is.

 

As the others, I'm encouraging you to stay NC with her. If you're ever going to be back together, I believe that's the only way it will happen. You wrote you feel out of control or there's nothing you can do about the situation. Rest assured that every time you want desperately to hear her voice or text her, yet you discipline yourself, you have done some heavy lifting about the situation. Just keep that up!

[Been]

You know when you were feeling anxious about have she was treating you but decided you were being paranoid? That was your GUT telling you something isn't right. Learn to trust it more it will rarely let you down.

Doesn't know if your the one after THREE years ? Does that sound even remotely right to you?

You have been the perfect boyfriend but she's getting rid of you?

Immediately changes her Facebook status so everyone can see she's single now.

You see where this is all pointing to right? She is LYING to you.

Stay NC. She doesn't deserve your time and to be honest you don't deserve to hear all these bs excuses.

[Octavian8]

Octavian8, there is a silver lining here. And it is that had you married and had little children with her and then had her get antsy because she wanted to know "what's out there," then left you, it would be a whole lot worse. I've known folks in that situation.

 

As awful as this is, it's better to find out now what she's truly made of.

 

You mentioned she's kind of quiet, shy or cautious? Possibly there's a lot going on in her mind she doesn't share, but idk, maybe she wasn't cautious with you, just in general.

 

From the way you write, I get the sense you are a really great guy with a lot to offer. I know right now she's the only one you want but am certain there are many wonderful women out there who will be as well suited for you as this one is.

 

As the others, I'm encouraging you to stay NC with her. If you're ever going to be back together, I believe that's the only way it will happen. You wrote you feel out of control or there's nothing you can do about the situation. Rest assured that every time you want desperately to hear her voice or text her, yet you discipline yourself, you have done some heavy lifting about the situation. Just keep that up!

 

Hi LivingWaterPlease,

I have thought about what it would be like if this happened in the future when we were more committed and you're right it would've been a million times worse. I guess that's what she was getting at too in a way. I dont wanna make excuses for her but i kind of see how she is feeling these feelings and wants to break it off now instead of down the line when it's harder, or live with resentment while being with me. Thats why I told her I kind of understood, but I don't agree. I think theres nothing wrong with being with just one person and in fact it's probably preferable. I would have no problem being with that person if i thought they were great. But she didn't seem to see it that way. Understanding to some extent doesn't make it any easier unfortunately.

 

I do think you're very right about the fact that theres a lot going on in her head she doesn't share though, that is some great insight. I thought about it some after reading your comment and if I look back on it communication was not her strong suit at all. Looking back, she was always kind of guarded in a way and I sometimes thought to myself "whats going on in that head of hers?". She also had a hard time expressing what she wanted and was often passive-aggressive instead of saying outright what she wants. She kind of would act passive aggressively and expect me to figure out whats going on and ask. Whenever we figured out a problem it's because I asked about it. Maybe I waited too long this time to do that, but either way her communication style was not that great and I could see how she just lets problems build up by not saying anything instead of dealing with them.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hi LivingWaterPlease,

She also had a hard time expressing what she wanted and was often passive-aggressive instead of saying outright what she wants. She kind of would act passive aggressively and expect me to figure out whats going on and ask. Whenever we figured out a problem it's because I asked about it. Maybe I waited too long this time to do that, but either way her communication style was not that great and I could see how she just lets problems build up by not saying anything instead of dealing with them.

 

There's part of your silver lining, too, Octavian. Granted, that could be worked on but right now you have no idea if she'd be willing to do so. Grab hold of that knowledge you have and hold onto it when you're wanting to reach out to her. As you know, a relationship with a passive aggressive person can be the pits! You may have dodged a bullet you didn't even realize existed!

[Octavian8]

Stay with no contact and it will get better with time trust me. Im also pretty sure that she will come back to you at some point but you need to be in a position of power so that if she offers to take you back you don't do it right away. How can you be with someone who just throws you away after 3 years just to see what else is out there? Does not sound like someone that I would want to marry.

If you want then hold out hope for 2 or 3 months to see if she reaches out but I suggest you forget about her as quickly as possible. Like she said, you did nothing wrong so you have no reason to contact her, she already knows that you want to be with her so it is up to her to contact you.

Hi OutKast100,

Thanks for the response I really appreciate it. The reasoning for the breakup and the fact it happened definitely is making me question everything I thought about her for sure. I don't know if I'll feel the same way about her even if she does come back, especially if she's been with someone else. Thats a thought that definitely scares me. What state of mind will I be in if she does come back like many people around me seem to be predicting? I made that compromise in my last relationship and I never really got over it so I don't know if id be able to do it again. At the same time I should also treat this as an isolated case because its a different person. I guess I shouldn't be bothering to think about these "what if" scenarios anyways, I should probably deal with it if and when it happens.

[Octavian8]

Little update for you guys as to how I've been doing. This whole writing and feedback has helped me so I thought I'd continue. Still completely in the gutter and cant stop missing her but I've managed to discipline myself well with NC and I'm proud of that, I feel like no matter what I went out with dignity at least. I dream about her almost every night though still and its hard not to feel like I can't escape no matter what I do, wether I'm asleep or awake. Yesterday I broke down in despair and felt incredibly low. Today seems better, but either way it's an emotional roller coaster from hell.

 

This is the fourth week of the breakup and I'm fast approaching the 1 month mark of no contact, as well as my birthday early next month. I've booked a trip to Europe that Ill be going on after that to visit some family, so that is something I've been trying to look forward to with limited success, but it should be a good change of pace. I hit the gym really hard this week and my body is completely destroyed, so its taking a bit away from the intense emotional pain.

 

Today I deleted all of our Facebook photos. Probably the most painful thing I've had to do so far, but it had to be done. With my birthday coming up and people posting on my page I don't want people to think we're still together or something, and I had to do it eventually anyways. I saved each one in a folder on my computer so it really tore me up having to look at each of those photos when we were so happy and realize its now gone. And not only gone, but that beautiful bond we had, that trust and love and partnership is in utter ruins. I can't believe she didn't value it enough to fight a little for it, cause to me, it was so special. She just went for the nuclear option straight away.

 

I cant help asking when I looked at those photos "what the heck happened?". Things were (or seemed) so great, why didn't she see it, or what changed in her mind?

Why does she think she needs to see other people? Is it something I did or is it really her genuine curiosity? And more importantly why the heck didn't she tell me something was wrong earlier so I at least had a chance to work through it with her. I always gave her 100% and it hurts so much to know it wasn't enough. I put my heart out on the line for her with reckless abandon and got crushed. We seemed like the perfect couple, and she seemed so excited about me only 2-3 months ago in those photos.

[OutKast100]

Sounds a lot like what i went through. I have already passed the 3 month mark since my ex broke up with me and I feel similar to you, some days i feel sad, other days i feel better and I still dream about her too.

I did the same thing as you after the 1 month mark, I deleted all of the pictures of her from my facebook and I felt the same way looking at the pictures and realizing that those days are now history.

Maybe your ex is similar to mine and maybe they both have an avoidant attachment style which makes it worse for guys like us since they can't tell us when they're experiencing a problem in the relationship.

Sometimes I would be watching tv with my ex and then she would leave the room and just lay in bed in another room. I would go to her and ask her what the problem was and she would respond "nothing" and only really tell me whats going on if I insisted on her telling me what it was. Thats not a good trait to have in a relationship.

Maybe she lost interest in you if the spark was gone if you guys were not doing anything new and exciting. She probably got bored and just never told you how she felt. But at the same time maybe she was speaking to another guy for weeks before she broke up with you but just never wanted to tell you about it.

It sucks but all you can really do is what you have already been doing and it will get better with time.

[Marc878]

Stop projecting your feelings onto her. She doesn't have those feelings for you.

 

You're young and breakups happen. Stay hard NC. Time will fix the rest

[Octavian8]

Maybe your ex is similar to mine and maybe they both have an avoidant attachment style which makes it worse for guys like us since they can't tell us when they're experiencing a problem in the relationship.

Sometimes I would be watching tv with my ex and then she would leave the room and just lay in bed in another room. I would go to her and ask her what the problem was and she would respond "nothing" and only really tell me whats going on if I insisted on her telling me what it was. Thats not a good trait to have in a relationship.

Yeah looking back she did have an avoidant style. She would never tell me whats wrong and I always had to figure it out. I can't remember one time where she told me something was wrong without me prying for it or recognizing I did something wrong myself. The conflict was so infrequent I never thought it was much of a problem though. I guess it was my mistake confusing not fighting with good communication. Looking back direct communication would've been more important even if we fought because we could've actually figured out problems instead of letting them boil over. Lesson learned in this department for sure, but it sucks having to learn the hard way.

[Octavian8]

Im gonna continue writing here giving updates as it seems to be helping me. I've successfully done an entire month of NC as of today, and I can say I'm pretty proud of that. Can't believe it's been that long already.

 

I feel like some progress is being made on the emotional side but overall its still pretty rough. My anxiety is pretty much gone and I've been left with this kind of apathy and emptiness inside. I'm exhausted, and I still cant enjoy much. Tomorrow my friend is gonna take me to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class so i have that to look forward too. I've been lucky to have good friends to take me out and keep me busy, but their patience is getting thin with me talking so much about my breakup. I can only say the same thing so many times before i start sounding like a broken record. I guess I should just vent here when I can, every time I talk about it i feel like a bit of weight is getting lifted off my chest.

 

My birthday is coming up fast and I don't know how I feel about it. Don't really feel like having a party. It's just gonna feel empty. My trip to Europe is in less than 2 weeks too. I hope I can at least enjoy that. I just miss her so much. I keep trying to just let go of hope, every morning I say to myself "it's over, she's gone" to convince myself of that reality. It's hard to accept. It's hard to not think about her, not to reminisce. I also get these thoughts of her with someone else and it makes me feel sick to think about. The intrusive thoughts are really the hardest to deal with.

[Jt93]

Im gonna continue writing here giving updates as it seems to be helping me. I've successfully done an entire month of NC as of today, and I can say I'm pretty proud of that. Can't believe it's been that long already.

 

I feel like some progress is being made on the emotional side but overall its still pretty rough. My anxiety is pretty much gone and I've been left with this kind of apathy and emptiness inside. I'm exhausted, and I still cant enjoy much. Tomorrow my friend is gonna take me to his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class so i have that to look forward too. I've been lucky to have good friends to take me out and keep me busy, but their patience is getting thin with me talking so much about my breakup. I can only say the same thing so many times before i start sounding like a broken record. I guess I should just vent here when I can, every time I talk about it i feel like a bit of weight is getting lifted off my chest.

 

My birthday is coming up fast and I don't know how I feel about it. Don't really feel like having a party. It's just gonna feel empty. My trip to Europe is in less than 2 weeks too. I hope I can at least enjoy that. I just miss her so much. I keep trying to just let go of hope, every morning I say to myself "it's over, she's gone" to convince myself of that reality. It's hard to accept. It's hard to not think about her, not to reminisce. I also get these thoughts of her with someone else and it makes me feel sick to think about. The intrusive thoughts are really the hardest to deal with.

 

 

Hey Octavian, Keep up the good work!

it does get easier but you will realise your feelings will change the longer you go. the first month for me was unbelievably hard, i was sort of living in denial and still shocked that it all happened, then the 2nd and 3rd months i didnt feel so bad. I joined the gym and i was out with friends at every opportunity, but the 4th month (i am now 4 and a half months) onwards, i am feeling very lonely, things are starting to settle in that this is what its going to be like for a while. I have a 2 month travelling holiday in less than 2 months now and that is keeping me going. I had some weird news that was hard for me to take on the weekend that set me back a bit ( i wont bore you on here you can read my thread if you want to know) and ive been living with my parents the last couple of months and they are now on holiday for 2 weeks, i feel like i dont talk to many people.

Things get easier although different, keep up your Nc and look forward to your trip to Europe, where about are you going to ?

[Octavian8]

Hey Octavian, Keep up the good work!

it does get easier but you will realise your feelings will change the longer you go. the first month for me was unbelievably hard, i was sort of living in denial and still shocked that it all happened, then the 2nd and 3rd months i didnt feel so bad. I joined the gym and i was out with friends at every opportunity, but the 4th month (i am now 4 and a half months) onwards, i am feeling very lonely, things are starting to settle in that this is what its going to be like for a while. I have a 2 month travelling holiday in less than 2 months now and that is keeping me going. I had some weird news that was hard for me to take on the weekend that set me back a bit ( i wont bore you on here you can read my thread if you want to know) and ive been living with my parents the last couple of months and they are now on holiday for 2 weeks, i feel like i dont talk to many people.

Things get easier although different, keep up your Nc and look forward to your trip to Europe, where about are you going to ?

 

Thanks man. Yeah the feelings definitely do change. Overall I'm not as devastated or anxious. I'm feeling different kinds of sadness all the time though, some of which I didn't even know existed. I think I'm at kind of a despair stage now because a month has passed and I haven't heard anything. I guess I had some hope she would've changed her mind by now but it doesn't seem to be happening so I have to deal with those emotions now. I think I won't say where exactly Im going publicly, theres already enough details here for whoever stumbles upon this to piece together my identity. But if you wanna know more or want to talk we can email about it if you'd like. I don't know if youd be interested but I feel like I kind of need someone who's in the same situation to talk stuff through. If you or anyone else is interested let me know.

[Jt93]

Thanks man. Yeah the feelings definitely do change. Overall I'm not as devastated or anxious. I'm feeling different kinds of sadness all the time though, some of which I didn't even know existed. I think I'm at kind of a despair stage now because a month has passed and I haven't heard anything. I guess I had some hope she would've changed her mind by now but it doesn't seem to be happening so I have to deal with those emotions now. I think I won't say where exactly Im going publicly, theres already enough details here for whoever stumbles upon this to piece together my identity. But if you wanna know more or want to talk we can email about it if you'd like. I don't know if youd be interested but I feel like I kind of need someone who's in the same situation to talk stuff through. If you or anyone else is interested let me know.

 

i do not have the ability to send PMs, im not too sure how it could go about...

[Octavian8]

i do not have the ability to send PMs, im not too sure how it could go about...

 

Ah it's all good i just realized I don't have access to PMs either. Didn't realize this site limits PMs for new members. I'll just stick to posting in this thread then.

[writersblock]

Hey, Octavian.

 

Your story truly pulled at my heart strings because I am going through literally the same exact story as you. Was in a 3-year relationship in which 2 and a half years of it were extraordinary. Then it all came crashing down abruptly and I ended the relationship on August 6th. I ended it but I felt like he said and did things to make me want to end it because he didn't have the willpower to be as honest as your now ex of all the things he felt.

 

I truly thought I was going to marry this person. I was prepared to have this man be the my last and only. Making a serious commitment proved to be something he didn't want. When I flat out asked him why he didn't want to get engaged, all he could muster to say was "Look, I think you're great."

 

He changed his profile picture to just him. We both did. But I kept some of the past ones I had in my profile pictures album. I didn't delete them and he didn't delete his. I would check his Facebook every day to see if his were still up. Yesterday, he took all of them down, every single one.

 

It's crazy how you can make such great progress and then have it all come crashing down over something that used to seem so stupid.

 

I know you said you have had past experience with long-term relationships and so have I. And you're absolutely right. It doesn't make anything any easier. People telling me "You'll find someone else" doesn't bring any comfort. People telling me to look back on my past relationships and realize how I got over them so I can surely get over this one doesn't help me at all. Nobody should have to see love die. I've witnessed it happen like this twice.

 

It brings me comfort to find someone who is going through the exact same thing as me and who is going through it at the same exact time. It's tough. It's extremely tough. And I have no idea how I'm getting through it so I can't really offer you advice but at least we are getting through it.

[Octavian8]

Hey, Octavian.

 

Your story truly pulled at my heart strings because I am going through literally the same exact story as you. Was in a 3-year relationship in which 2 and a half years of it were extraordinary. Then it all came crashing down abruptly and I ended the relationship on August 6th. I ended it but I felt like he said and did things to make me want to end it because he didn't have the willpower to be as honest as your now ex of all the things he felt.

 

I truly thought I was going to marry this person. I was prepared to have this man be the my last and only. Making a serious commitment proved to be something he didn't want. When I flat out asked him why he didn't want to get engaged, all he could muster to say was "Look, I think you're great."

 

He changed his profile picture to just him. We both did. But I kept some of the past ones I had in my profile pictures album. I didn't delete them and he didn't delete his. I would check his Facebook every day to see if his were still up. Yesterday, he took all of them down, every single one.

 

It's crazy how you can make such great progress and then have it all come crashing down over something that used to seem so stupid.

 

I know you said you have had past experience with long-term relationships and so have I. And you're absolutely right. It doesn't make anything any easier. People telling me "You'll find someone else" doesn't bring any comfort. People telling me to look back on my past relationships and realize how I got over them so I can surely get over this one doesn't help me at all. Nobody should have to see love die. I've witnessed it happen like this twice.

 

It brings me comfort to find someone who is going through the exact same thing as me and who is going through it at the same exact time. It's tough. It's extremely tough. And I have no idea how I'm getting through it so I can't really offer you advice but at least we are getting through it.

 

Hi writersblock,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain as well. But it does bring comfort knowing theres others out there who are suffering just like me. I just wish we didn't have to. It truly is the worst kind of pain out there. Looking back on my situation I can't help but wonder if my ex was trying to get me to break up with her too through the distant way she was acting. It was almost like she was saying "come on just give up already". But I just fought harder cause the relationship meant so much to me. I guess I thought I could salvage it somehow.

 

I know what you mean about looking at what I did in the past to get over my relationships. None of those strategies really apply because that relationship sucked so it was much easier to say "good riddance" and to believe my friends when they said I would find someone better and all of those other platitudes. They actually applied. Here they don't really apply, so I have to find stuff I was dissatisfied with and concentrate on that, which proves difficult.

 

The one thing I can really focus on is the idea that even though it was good, she left, she didn't value our relationship or me enough to stick through it with me, through the good and the bad. So maybe that disqualifies her from being someone I'd want to marry. I don't know, I can think it, but in my heart I can't feel it. I never felt about someone else the way I felt about her. I'd do almost anything to have her back, but it doesn't look like she's coming back so I have to face the brutal reality. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I wish I didn't have to.

[OutKast100]

I feel the exact same way. A couple of weeks before my ex broke up with me she wrote me "I don't want to break up but if you do then I will miss you and you should just do what you have to do" which doesnt really sound like someone who wants to be with me, it's kind of like you said where shes just expecting me to break it off without even caring about it.

 

I'm also thinking about how she didn't value the relationship to just end it all and never speak to me again and this is one of the things which I try to think about when I want to feel better. If there is such a thing as a soul mate then she definately was not mine.

 

Sometimes I find myself thinking about some good memory that I had with her but then I have to tell myself STOP STOP STOP, and I just think of something else.

 

At more then 3 months since my break up I still can't say I'm completely over her and now I really feel like theres not much I can do about it. I've talked about it to the point where there is nothing else to say to family and friends and no youtube video will teach me something I can learn to feel better. I can fill up my day with activities but there will still be moments when I think of her. The toughest part now is just being patient and sticking to no contact, letting time pass to feel better.

[writersblock]

Hi writersblock,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this pain as well. But it does bring comfort knowing theres others out there who are suffering just like me. I just wish we didn't have to. It truly is the worst kind of pain out there. Looking back on my situation I can't help but wonder if my ex was trying to get me to break up with her too through the distant way she was acting. It was almost like she was saying "come on just give up already". But I just fought harder cause the relationship meant so much to me. I guess I thought I could salvage it somehow.

 

I know what you mean about looking at what I did in the past to get over my relationships. None of those strategies really apply because that relationship sucked so it was much easier to say "good riddance" and to believe my friends when they said I would find someone better and all of those other platitudes. They actually applied. Here they don't really apply, so I have to find stuff I was dissatisfied with and concentrate on that, which proves difficult.

 

The one thing I can really focus on is the idea that even though it was good, she left, she didn't value our relationship or me enough to stick through it with me, through the good and the bad. So maybe that disqualifies her from being someone I'd want to marry. I don't know, I can think it, but in my heart I can't feel it. I never felt about someone else the way I felt about her. I'd do almost anything to have her back, but it doesn't look like she's coming back so I have to face the brutal reality. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I wish I didn't have to.

 

That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

 

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

 

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

 

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

 

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.

[CeciliaCylara]

That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

 

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

 

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

 

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

 

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.

 

This is a good video to watch if you've been the dumpee of someone who's got GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome).