Now she wants a "friendship with benefits"

[David Gevert]

Those of you who actually remember me know that I just recently broke up with my girlfriend.

 

Now, it seems, she wants a "friendship with benefits." I.e., she wants to go out on dates with me, kiss, cuddle, etc., but without any commitments of any kind.

 

I know...I know that if I agree to this, I'll be letting myself be used.

 

The weird thing is, somehow, I'm okay with that. But at the same time, I know I'm not. I know that it would be a mistake, and that I'd be a fool to agree to this.

 

But this time, I feel like being a fool.

 

Thoughts?

[Ashesmum]

If you are going to let yourself be a fool and used. You will always be a fool and used. Don't start now. You obviously think it's ok cause you still want to be with person to a point and you might have hope it'll go somewhere. Guess what, WAKE UP! She's told you point blank she'd like to use you and not let you have what you want in turn. Listen to your reality side. Go find a woman that'll treat you the right way and make you completely happy. You deserve it. Hopefully she'll find someone that she'll want a commitment with and then he'll use her. Let her know how it feels. Good luck.

Those of you who actually remember me know that I just recently broke up with my girlfriend.

 

Now, it seems, she wants a "friendship with benefits." I.e., she wants to go out on dates with me, kiss, cuddle, etc., but without any commitments of any kind. I know...I know that if I agree to this, I'll be letting myself be used. The weird thing is, somehow, I'm okay with that. But at the same time, I know I'm not. I know that it would be a mistake, and that I'd be a fool to agree to this. But this time, I feel like being a fool.

 

Thoughts?

[David Gevert]

Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter; she was joking with her friend when she said that, anyway. Her friend told me as if she was being serious. I guess Kim (Sarah's friend) thought she was.

 

But you are right. I was prepared to say no anyway. So just to make things clear, I made her look me in the eyes and I told her that I didn't want her any more. Of course, being a girl, she couldn't let it go without taking a shot at me, saying "The feeling is mutual."

 

The feeling probably is. But it's only deserved on MY side...I did everything for her when I was going out. I feel...truly feel...that I did everything right. I found out last night from a friend of hers who has known her for a LONG time that she's not the same person he used to know, and that she was manipulating me the whole time.

 

I guess it's a helluva lot easier to get over someone if you have this advantage of anger.

 

It's over. I no longer feel as if not being with her is wrong. She was using me, to make herself feel good.

[Dragonflys]

Don't go there, it will make it all so much worse. It would be much better for you if you get over her and move on with her life before she finds someone else she finds significant.

 

I think you'll do the right things anyway

[sparkle]

Dear David,

 

You're on the right track here. And you sound like a pretty smart guy who's able to make rational decisions.

 

I know that you already know all of the following, but are just looking for a little reinforcement. You know that if you stayed friends with her, she would just end up using you and sticking around until the day she found someone else. And she'd dump the "benefits" part of your friendship in a second once someone else was around to occupy her time. Heck, she'd probably dump you as a friend as soon as she found another guy.

 

While it's good to compromise on certain things, if there is something that you really want, don't be willing to compromise on it by taking taking second best. If you want a full commitment from a girl but she just wants to use you temporarily without any "strings attached", do not lower your standards. Refuse to stay involved in a situation like that if your needs aren't being met. Certain things are able to be compromised, but NOT your happiness or needs.

 

You've got a lot to be thankful for: you are rid of someone that wasn't good enough for you. Don't ever let yourself believe that it was the other way around. She wasn't good enough for you. You can do better. You will do better. Walk away from this relationship with a good feeling. You didn't screw up. It wasn't your fault. She just wasn't good enough for you.

 

Aim for the best and I promise you, you will get exactly that. And NEVER settle for anything less than what you're looking for.

 

When I was going through a not-so-happy moment, a wonderful person I know suggested that read Clark Moustakas's work. Well here's a quote by him:

 

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." --Clark Moustakas

 

Always remember this, David.

 

I wish you the best.

[Miss Mojo]

hi david,

 

you say:

 

The weird thing is, somehow, I'm okay with that. But at the same time, I know I'm not.

 

the reason you are somehow okay with that is because it's the only kind of closeness you will get from her right now. you are willing to settle for second best just to be near her....and you're not okay with that because as you so correctly stated, it's being used because it's not what you want.

 

i urge you to back off. i have been in this situation before, and whilst you think you might be able to handle it, you're in for a hell of a shock. you'd be a glutton for punishment to stick around in a situation that you are not entirely happy in.

 

spare yourself some pain and don't let the feelings you have this for girl blind you to the fact that you will only get very hurt if settle for a "friendship with benefits" (hardly a friendship - as far as i am concerned, you don't treat a friend as someone who can provide you with 'benefits').

 

you're right, david. it would be a big, big, BIG mistake. you would be a fool to agree with this. it will make you look weak in her eyes, you will hurt, and over the course of time it will greatly affect your self-esteem. do you really want to do that to yourself?

 

it is CRAZY to even consider a friendship with someone you have been with on an intimate level. every person i have ever known in this kind of situation (including myself) tears their hair out during the course of the 'friendship'. subconsciously, you will feel as though you are in a relationship, and it will stir up feelings of anger, jealousy, hurt.....the list goes on. these kind of situations are time bombs waiting to go off.

 

please, back away from this girl and go out with your friends and meet some wonderful new girls. seriously, this girl can't be so great if she is offering you this kind of relationship. if she so desperately wants you, she will come running when you are elusive and she hasn't heard from you.

 

good luck david

[Truth]

i hate bitches like this.

 

good luck in whatever u decide to do david.