Love him, but I want babies...

[Miss blue.]

My husband and I have been married five years. We are both thirty four, and he had a really bad childhood. When we got married he kind of decided for both of us we weren't having children. Initially, I was fine with it, but as time goes on, I'm not. Whenever someone asks us about kids, he says we aren't having any, but in my heart I want them. In my dreams I have three little boys.

 

I started to bring this up to him, and he freaked out saying we aren't having children. He was screaming at me. I haven't brought it up again but it's becoming more pressing that I need babies...

 

I know we're going to have to get divorced, but I'm scared about how he'll react, and I love him. He's my best friend. I don't want a divorce...What should I do?

[RecentChange]

Well... You certainly can't force him into parenthood.

 

It's terribly sad, but if you must have children, it sounds like you are no longer compatible.

 

I am like your husband, I have always known, and have always been clear that I did not want children. It's a hard thing to be honest about but I have been.

 

Many years ago when my husband went through a crisis and thought he may want children - it was heart breaking for me. I love him, he loved me, but I knew it was NOT Something I could do.

 

Lucky for us, he changed his mind again, and 10 years later often brags about how lovely it is to be child free.

 

But I know for others the same reality is heart break.

[Miss blue.]

Well... You certainly can't force him into parenthood.

 

 

I know. My best friend suggested getting pregnant and not telling him, but I know I can't do that. It's low, and It'll make him angry. Not want a baby.

[submart]

At 34 time is not on your side. You have about six to ten years to start working on those babies you want. However, it certainly won't be with your husband. There is no other choice but to get a divorce and quickly.

[RecentChange]

I know. My best friend suggested getting pregnant and not telling him, but I know I can't do that. It's low, and It'll make him angry. Not want a baby.

 

Holy $$$ht! That's straight evil.

 

That's not just low that is morally corrupt. Remember having a baby isn't really about YOU, it's about the life you are bringing into the world. Do not on purpose bring forth a life that is not wanted by it's father.

 

For me.... If the roles were reversed, if I wasn't a woman and there could be forced into Parenthood without my consent and against my explicitly clear, and agreed upon desire....

 

I can't begin to describe the rage I would feel for my spouse if they acted so selfishly.

 

Parenthood isnt for everyone, it's the hardest job in the world, and if it's not a job you want.. I just can't even begin to explain how wrong that is to force upon someone.

 

I wish I could contact your husband and advise him to get a vasectomy asap to protect himself.

 

Please do not consider that for a moment.

 

TELL HIM YOU WANT A BABY. Let him decide what to do about your change of heart.

[submart]

I know. My best friend suggested getting pregnant and not telling him, but I know I can't do that. It's low, and It'll make him angry. Not want a baby.

 

Please don't do this. Then you will have a kid with a man who doesn't want to be a dad. That will lead to a bunch of problems.

[Miss blue.]

Holy $$$ht! That's straight evil.

 

That's not just low that is morally corrupt. Remember having a baby isn't really about YOU, it's about the life you are bringing into the world. Do not on purpose bring forth a life that is not wanted by it's father.

 

For me.... If the roles were reversed, if I wasn't a woman and there could be forced into Parenthood without my consent and against my explicitly clear, and agreed upon desire....

 

I can't begin to describe the rage I would feel for my spouse if they acted so selfishly.

 

Parenthood isnt for everyone, it's the hardest job in the world, and if it's not a job you want.. I just can't even begin to explain how wrong that is to force upon someone.

 

I wish I could contact your husband and advise him to get a vasectomy asap to protect himself.

 

Please do not consider that for a moment.

 

TELL HIM YOU WANT A BABY. Let him decide what to do about your change of heart.

 

I'm sorry I think I wasn't clear. This was something that was suggested to me and I immediately shot it down. I have no intention of getting pregnant with his child without him wanting one...

 

I do know I have to ask for a divorce, and I don't know how because I love him.

[basil67]

When you have the divorce discussion with him, make him part of the discussion.

 

Talk about how you thought you'd be OK with not having kids, but as time has passed, you realise that you're not OK. Tell him that you don't want to end the marriage but can't see any other option. If he knows that you're prepare to walk away, he may change his mind....it's not likely, but at least leave space in the conversation for him to offer solutions.

 

If he gets really angry with you, then walking away may be your only option.

[Timshel]

My husband and I have been married five years. We are both thirty four, and he had a really bad childhood. When we got married he kind of decided for both of us we weren't having children.

 

What the heck does this mean, Miss blue? He did not kind of decide, he was crystal clear. You agreed.

 

 

Initially, I was fine with it, but as time goes on, I'm not. Whenever someone asks us about kids, he says we aren't having any, but in my heart I want them. In my dreams I have three little boys.

 

 

It seems that you have always wanted kids. You married a man who told you point blank that he did not want kids and you thought you could change his mind.

 

 

 

I started to bring this up to him, and he freaked out saying we aren't having children. He was screaming at me. I haven't brought it up again but it's becoming more pressing that I need babies...

 

I know we're going to have to get divorced, but I'm scared about how he'll react, and I love him. He's my best friend. I don't want a divorce...What should I do?

 

 

He's your best friend, yet something this important is a screaming match? Don't divorce him is my advice.

You knew when you married him that he did not want a child.

I'm glad that you've decided not to trick him.

[Miss blue.]

When you have the divorce discussion with him, make him part of the discussion.

 

Talk about how you thought you'd be OK with not having kids, but as time has passed, you realise that you're not OK. Tell him that you don't want to end the marriage but can't see any other option. If he knows that you're prepare to walk away, he may change his mind....it's not likely, but at least leave space in the conversation for him to offer solutions.

 

If he gets really angry with you, then walking away may be your only option.

 

Thank you. I'm so worried that he might say that things are okay and we can have a baby when he really doesn't want one... I would hate to put him in that situation. I'm so upset that I'm going to lose him I can't stop crying.

[Miss blue.]

He's your best friend, yet something this important is a screaming match? Don't divorce him is my advice.

You knew when you married him that he did not want a child.

I'm glad that you've decided not to trick him.

 

Yes, he's my best friend, and my lover, and most likely my soulmate... we don't fight except for this. But if I don't divorce him that might mean I can't have my babies, am I supposed to just forget that?

[Timshel]

Yes, he's my best friend, and my lover, and most likely my soulmate... we don't fight except for this. But if I don't divorce him that might mean I can't have my babies, am I supposed to just forget that?

 

That is entirely up to you. You are here asking, that means it's on the table.

 

You know how you chose not to speak up for yourself when you married him?

 

If having a child is important to you...time to be honest, time to speak up.

[HiCrunchy]

Freeze your eggs if you can. As a previous poster said time is not in ur side.

 

I think if this is that important you need to bring it up in the divorce conversation. He can’t give you what you need and you are going to be miserable. You need to determine what is most important

 

These are the worst breakups in my opinion. Where u get along well as people (no fighting, no cheating) but there is just one thing that is missing. It truly sucks

[preraph]

He's going to rightly feel betrayed. But the thing you can't do, for, the kid's sake, is give them a father who has no modeling for it and doesn't want them. So if kids has lately become your top priority, you will have to hurt him and divorce and see if you can find a good father to have kids with, not that easy.

[Noideanow]

He lets fear and past experiences destroy his future:( a baby is something that happens when two people Make love - we human beings Are not meant to decide on that plan on that- thats naturally fearcreating because its out of our hands i think- He must learn to let go and surrender to life- afterall He does Make love to you right? So He must want it- just not Be aware of it-( or he is not truly in love?

People who make such decisions out of fear is a very sad thing- it's like me being afraid of walking because I can fall- or something* like letting fear destroy control whatever- but you must know that because you used to not want to-?)

they must regret it terribly when older if they found true love at least-

I don't understand people planning babies with someone they are not in love with..-( but to each their own- hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to secure you live on forever as you him or that he wakes up and frees himself from fear or egoism or what it is:o

[RecentChange]

He lets fear and past experiences destroy his future:( a baby is something that happens when two people Make love - we human beings Are not meant to decide on that plan on that- thats naturally fearcreating because its out of our hands i think- He must learn to let go and surrender to life- afterall He does Make love to you right? So He must want it- just not Be aware of it-( or he is not truly in love?

People who make such decisions out of fear is a very sad thing- it's like me being afraid of walking because I can fall- or something* like letting fear destroy control whatever- but you must know that because you used to not want to-?)

they must regret it terribly when older if they found true love at least-

I don't understand people planning babies with someone they are not in love with..-( but to each their own- hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to secure you live on forever as you him or that he wakes up and frees himself from fear or egoism or what it is:o

 

Wow.. no no no no NO!!

 

Destroy HIS future? He doesn’t want children! Kids are not right for everyone. Many studies are coming to light showing that child free couples are often as happy, if not happier than couples with children.

 

My future has most certainly NOT been “ruined” because I choose not to procreate.

 

Sure, some people believe in “fate” – they don’t believe in making their own choices and setting the course for their own future I guess.

 

“surrender his life?” Oh gees…

 

I guess women should never use birth control either... too much taking your life and future in your own hands.

[SoulCat]

He lets fear and past experiences destroy his future:( a baby is something that happens when two people Make love - we human beings Are not meant to decide on that plan on that- thats naturally fearcreating because its out of our hands i think- He must learn to let go and surrender to life- afterall He does Make love to you right? So He must want it- just not Be aware of it-( or he is not truly in love?

People who make such decisions out of fear is a very sad thing- it's like me being afraid of walking because I can fall- or something* like letting fear destroy control whatever- but you must know that because you used to not want to-?)

they must regret it terribly when older if they found true love at least-

I don't understand people planning babies with someone they are not in love with..-( but to each their own- hope you find someone who truly loves you and wants to secure you live on forever as you him or that he wakes up and frees himself from fear or egoism or what it is:o

 

 

What I can make out from this rambling post, it makes me furious.

For a lot of us out there not wanting kids has nothing to do with fear, or not loving our spouse enough/the right way/truly/whatever.

 

Some of us do not have that maternal/paternal instinct to make a good parent.

Some of us have genetic/health issues running in our families that we do not want to pass onto the next generation.

Some of us prefer being child-free because of our career, lifestyle or whatever else.

Some of us actually really do not like children.

 

None of these reasons have anything to do with fear. They are about having a choice.

 

 

OP's husband has been honest and upfront from the start on where he stood on the issue of having kids.

It's the OP who changed her mind later on. And, that is absolutely her right.

 

But she does not have the right to change her husband's mind for him by getting pregnant on the sly knowing full well he's not on board with it.

 

 

OP, you're going to have to have a really tough talk with your husband. You need to figure out what it is you want more; motherhood or a life with him.

I really don't think there is a middle ground to be reached here as in the long run, that will create resentment for both of you.

 

Good luck.

[knabe]

Holy $$$ht! That's straight evil.

 

That's not just low that is morally corrupt. Remember having a baby isn't really about YOU, it's about the life you are bringing into the world. Do not on purpose bring forth a life that is not wanted by it's father.

 

For me.... If the roles were reversed, if I wasn't a woman and there could be forced into Parenthood without my consent and against my explicitly clear, and agreed upon desire....

 

I can't begin to describe the rage I would feel for my spouse if they acted so selfishly.

 

Parenthood isnt for everyone, it's the hardest job in the world, and if it's not a job you want.. I just can't even begin to explain how wrong that is to force upon someone.

 

I wish I could contact your husband and advise him to get a vasectomy asap to protect himself.

 

Please do not consider that for a moment.

 

TELL HIM YOU WANT A BABY. Let him decide what to do about your change of heart.

 

Did you read her whole post? She said she WOULDN'T do that.

 

Read

[Miss blue.]

I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

 

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.

[preraph]

Thank you. I'm so worried that he might say that things are okay and we can have a baby when he really doesn't want one... I would hate to put him in that situation. I'm so upset that I'm going to lose him I can't stop crying.

 

The bad thing about that is it's not him that's the bigger problem. It's willingly giving a child a father who doesn't want a kid. You can think about your feelings and his feelings, but you have no right to give your child a father who not only doesn't want a child but isn't equipped to have one because of his childhood issues. If you do that, you are NOT putting the child's welfare first and that is a MUST if you are to have kids.

 

Not only that, but on a day-to-day level you will have someone who feels they're all your responsibility because he never wanted to have kids to begin with and you will have a hard time making an argument otherwise.

[preraph]

I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

 

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.

 

You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.

[SevenCity]

Yes, he's my best friend, and my lover, and most likely my soulmate... we don't fight except for this. But if I don't divorce him that might mean I can't have my babies, am I supposed to just forget that?

 

There's a lot to be said about finding the right person. I would never leave someone i loved if they didn't want to have a kid - I'm 50/50 on the desire to have one.

 

Realize that you can easily get pregnant but doesn't mean you'll find a connection like you have now or even stay with / married to the father.

 

And that's if you find someone with whom you want to have a baby. Not to mention the healing involved of dumping someone you say you love.

 

Check out the dating forum to see what you're in store for if you decide to become single. It's not pretty out there.

[SevenCity]

You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.

 

^^^^Exactly

[littleblackheart]

I told him this morning I wanted a divorce because I want children and he doesn't. He started crying and then called his mom. I've never heard him cry like that before... he never really gets upset. He left and went to her house, and now she keeps calling me. He really doesn't talk to her much either.

 

I've been looking at apartments. I know I have to be out of here today.

 

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to send you (and your husband) virtual hugs.

 

This can't have been an easy decision for you to make.

 

It's ok to give yourself at least a shot at having your own children, and it's ok for your husband not to want to have any; life isn't black or white, and neither are we. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and life experiences to know for sure what we want.

 

It's just a very sad situation for you both.

[basil67]

Miss Blue, I just want to remind you to not feel guilty over changing your mind. What we want at one stage of our life isn't necessarily what we will want at all stages of our lives.

 

You say that his mum keeps calling you. Have you spoken with her? Does she understand your desire to have children?