Love him, but I want babies...

[Amas5750]

If a little baby is non negotiable then you did the right thing.

 

You would have been a childless mother for eternity.

 

I've heard the pain of that lack never fades.

 

You did the right thing if you know you must carry a little life

[Miss blue.]

I went and got a hotel room, and he keeps calling asking where I am and if he can come there too...

 

I told him no but he's just sobbing. I think we should try having time apart, but he keeps saying he doesn't want that. I left my wedding ring at the house to try and distance myself, and I don't know if he's seen that yet.

[Miss blue.]

Miss Blue, I just want to remind you to not feel guilty over changing your mind. What we want at one stage of our life isn't necessarily what we will want at all stages of our lives.

 

You say that his mum keeps calling you. Have you spoken with her? Does she understand your desire to have children?

 

No, I didn't talk to her... I'm worried she's going to try to talk me out of it...

 

She always talk about how unhappy she was as a mother and her abusive husband made things worse.

 

I've felt this way for about eight months and every day I hope it's just going to go away, my desire just keeps getting more intense.

[Mysterio]

Go into councelling and then see if thats the only issue. Don't get pregnant by him. Give it one more year. If he is still no kids. Then its time to move on.

[anna121]

You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.

 

I don't have kids and am perfectly happy in my marriage.

 

But I find this comment unfair.

 

I respect the desire to have children. It is surely fundamental enough that, if it isn't something that is shared between two people, then the underlying relationship cannot fairly be described as "great".

 

OP doesn't need to be made to feel worse than she already likely is.

 

Now, OP:

 

Your update makes it seem that you basically told him you want a divorce, not "hey, I don't think I can live without kids. Can we talk about that?" If that's true, then I think you have acted a little precipitously. You owe your husband, at least, the dignity of a conversation about this enormous decision.

[Steve51]

Think about what you are saying. He is your best friend and he reacts like that when you bring up kids. I think you need to realize that he is not behaving like a best friend or even a good one.

[Fdb]

I will suggest you to leave him. Being a monther is your right. No one should take it away from you. You have a time frame to be able to have children. If you do not act now, you will regret later. For me, no one can take the place that my child has in me.

My husband, soon be ex, does not want kids too. When I was pregnant which was unplanned, the first thing came out his mouth was ' Indo not want the kid". Indeed he has two kids, one from his previous marriage, whom he did not want to.

Now I hate the fact I did not insist to have more of my kids. I am in my 40s, I will have one by IVF or adoption. I want to be a monther again.

So, follow your heart, do not compromise something essential for your life.

[elaine567]

Your update makes it seem that you basically told him you want a divorce, not "hey, I don't think I can live without kids. Can we talk about that?" If that's true, then I think you have acted a little precipitously. You owe your husband, at least, the dignity of a conversation about this enormous decision.

 

She already did that and he ended up screaming at her.

There is no easy "solution" here, no compromise.

She wants to be a mother, he doesn't want kids.

 

The urge to procreate in some is very strong and it supersedes everything else.

The woman who desires kids, cannot love a man who will deliberately not give her the kids she wants, so what is the point in continuing?

If she persuades him to have the three kids she wants he will resent her and no doubt the kids too, and if he persuades her to give up on having kids she will resent him, it is a no win situation.

 

At 34 she can't afford to stay in this relationship a moment longer.

Divorce IS the only option here.

The OP has done the right thing.

[Timshel]

OP, of course if you are determined to have a child, you must end the marriage. That is clear to all.

 

However, the way you go about ending the relationship is of relevance....as you are the spouse who has changed mind over what originally was agreed on the day of I do's.

Your husband has remained consistent/honest.

 

Why did you leave the ring for him to find, why the drama? Isn't your change of heart and ending the marriage enough? Why the additional jab?

 

I'm wondering if a clean and compassionate end is your goal.

[todreaminblue]

You're throwing away a great relationship, at least as you've described it, for a complete unknown and a lot of hard work, if you even find another man to make it happen.

 

i so agree with this.......issues from his childhood are preventing him from possibly wanting a child.those issues could be worked upon or talked about in a professional space......

 

 

i am sad you felt you should walk away just like that......professional counselling is what you and your husband need not rash decisions...please seek counselling before giving up what could be the best love you could ever have in a lifetime....better or worse....you wont even know what could be if you dont give it a shot.....deb

[Miss blue.]

I finally let him come to the hotel at around 2 in the morning because he just wouldn't go to sleep. He asked how long I've felt the way I do and I told him. He was just beside himself, and kept telling me how beautiful I am, and he's in hopelessly in love with me. Finally, he fell asleep.

 

He left about twenty minutes ago and when I got up, I saw my ring on the night stand.

 

(And yes, maybe I did leave it as an extra jab over not wanting babies with me.)

Edited September 29, 2017 by Miss blue.

[RecentChange]

Why jab at him because you are hurt about something he has always been honest with you about?

 

I can only imagine how broken his heart is - do you not feel empathy for breaking his heart?

 

It's a sad situation for all. I think if you want to be a mother, then you must pursue that - but with empathy.

 

I guess I envisioned something more along the lines that you are so sorry that things have changed, that you love him, but that you must do this as you have one life to live. That you understand he doesn't want children, so this is the heartbreaking result.

 

Why blind side him with divorce and leave to a hotel? Why can't you comfort and cry with him? You both need to mourn the death of the marriage.

[Miss blue.]

Why jab at him because you are hurt about something he has always been honest with you about?

 

I can only imagine how broken his heart is - do you not feel empathy for breaking his heart?

 

It's a sad situation for all. I think if you want to be a mother, then you must pursue that - but with empathy.

 

I guess I envisioned something more along the lines that you are so sorry that things have changed, that you love him, but that you must do this as you have one life to live. That you understand he doesn't want children, so this is the heartbreaking result.

 

Why blind side him with divorce and leave to a hotel? Why can't you comfort and cry with him? You both need to mourn the death of the marriage.

 

Because that's the way I started to tell him how I felt and he freaked out at me. I did comfort him all night over it, and probably will again tonight. I do have empathy for him, and it's breaking my heart too. I've been with this man for 10 years! I'm just as heartbroken as he is, but I can't not have my family.

[RecentChange]

Well it is what it is then - it had sounded like you simply told him and then left him, but I understand if he was being mean / too difficult to handle.

 

Have you had your fertility checked at all? Would you be open to adoption or other means if you can't conceive naturally? Have you looked to freezing your eggs?

 

I understand a family is a non negotiable at this point for you.... But on the other hand the clock really is ticking....

 

Now you have to go through a divorce, recover from heart break, start dating, get past the rebound stage, find a man who you love and loves you, and wants to marry you, and have children with you... And you both must be fertile.

 

Fertility starts to drop dramatically at 35.

 

That's a lot of moving parts to fall into place, especially if you want multiple babies.

 

I would recommend pursuing getting your eggs frozen asap.

[knitwit]

Because that's the way I started to tell him how I felt and he freaked out at me. I did comfort him all night over it, and probably will again tonight. I do have empathy for him, and it's breaking my heart too. I've been with this man for 10 years! I'm just as heartbroken as he is, but I can't not have my family.

 

Miss Blue, this is a hard decision to make. Having kids is a huge commitment, it is a lifestyle change that will be effect for the rest of your days.

 

For those of wanted to be parents, it is the best thing, ever. Of all the things I've done in my life, of the places I've been, and the achievements I've had, nothing is as fulfilling for me as being a mom. Being a parent has added a dimension to my life that I didn't know was possible. Being a parent has changed my motivations and life goals.

 

But I feel this way about it, because I wanted to be a mom. Like you, I could not give up having my own little family with kids. I had my son at age 38; we used IVF because my husband had a vasectomy at age 22 (he then became a step dad in his first marriage and found, to his surprise, that he loved being a dad). We were fortunate and were successful on our first try. My SIL just got pregnant naturally at age 38.

 

So I would not stress too much about freezing eggs quite yet. It would be wise to get checked out, get a FSH test for a general look at your fertility, just to be sure. Freezing eggs is expensive and not much fun for a woman to go through. As far as dating, I didn't start dating my now husband until I was 35. At that age, relationships can move a little more quickly. Do not waste time on people who are clearly not compatible with you, or who aren't very clear that they want a(nother) child.

 

My heart breaks for you and your H. But more for your H, because if you go on to become a Mom, I suspect that you won't look back. You will know why you sacrificed your first marriage; your H might not ever get to that understanding. Regardless, if he truly does not want to be a parent, he will be much happier and fulfilled with a child-free partner, just as you will be much happier and fulfilled as a mom.

 

I wish you and your H the best of luck!

[whichwayisup]

My husband and I have been married five years. We are both thirty four, and he had a really bad childhood. When we got married he kind of decided for both of us we weren't having children. Initially, I was fine with it, but as time goes on, I'm not. Whenever someone asks us about kids, he says we aren't having any, but in my heart I want them. In my dreams I have three little boys.

 

I started to bring this up to him, and he freaked out saying we aren't having children. He was screaming at me. I haven't brought it up again but it's becoming more pressing that I need babies...

 

I know we're going to have to get divorced, but I'm scared about how he'll react, and I love him. He's my best friend. I don't want a divorce...What should I do?

 

Divorce. It is unfair to put this on him when you knew going in no children were ever going to be in your lives. If you want a child, divorce and find a man who will father your children. As sad and painful as this is for you both the only answer is to divorce. If you don't then you'll resent him maybe even hate him for not giving you what you want. Children.

[whichwayisup]

Go into councelling and then see if thats the only issue. Don't get pregnant by him. Give it one more year. If he is still no kids. Then its time to move on.

 

They decided before marriage not to have children. She knew going in he did not ever want to be father. He isn't going to change his mind. Just like she isn't going to change her mind about wanting babies.

[preraph]

You could go get a sperm donor and raise the kids on your own in a separate home for you and them and still date him.

[Miss blue.]

You could go get a sperm donor and raise the kids on your own in a separate home for you and them and still date him.

 

I actually thought about this.

 

He was here last night and we had fun just walked around and talked. We came back to the room and he wanted to have sex. I recently stopped taking my birth control, and told him the second I did, and so we had to go get condoms.

 

We came back, everything was fine, and then he kept trying to take it off. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was doing what I wanted him to. I stopped him and said that it's not something I want to force on him, and that's why I left. He just started crying and saying all that he knows he really wants is me.

 

This is making me hate myself

[BaileyB]

That's so sad.

 

Forgive me, because I read your read a long time ago... Has your husband had counselling? Have you gone to speak with a marriage counsellor? Is he really sure that he doesn't want children?

[Miss blue.]

That's so sad.

 

Forgive me, because I read your read a long time ago... Has your husband had counselling? Have you gone to speak with a marriage counsellor? Is he really sure that he doesn't want children?

 

No counseling for his childhood and no marriage counseling, although I think he'd agree to go. I think he's sure he doesn't want to have babies. His childhood was incredibly abusive, and I don't think he's ever wanted to be father because of it. His dad is a very violent man and I just don't think my husband every wants to be that way.

[BaileyB]

No counseling for his childhood and no marriage counseling, although I think he'd agree to go. I think he's sure he doesn't want to have babies. His childhood was incredibly abusive, and I don't think he's ever wanted to be father because of it. His dad is a very violent man and I just don't think my husband every wants to be that way.

 

I can understand his concern, and I'm certainly not suggesting that he should have children if he really doesn't want to have children...

 

But, I have to wonder if loving a child, and experiencing the joy that comes from watching a child grow, could not be one of the most healing things he could do... Just a thought.

 

He will have to decide what he wants more/what he is prepared to live without... Life is about choices, and he has a big decision to make. Before you make life altering decisions about children and end your marriage, I would think that individual and marriage counselling would be a good investment...

[Mittens]

I know. My best friend suggested getting pregnant and not telling him, but I know I can't do that. It's low, and It'll make him angry. Not want a baby.

 

My mother did this to my father, and boy, did she live to regret it. She never really wanted children either, so I ended up with two parents who hated being parents. They did the bare minimum...we weren't beaten or starved, but there was zero love and affection. My father was unfaithful to my mother for the whole of their marriage, and when my younger brother turned 18, left her for another woman.

 

My mother hadn't worked for the whole of their marriage, ended up losing the only home they'd ever bought together, and now lives in a tiny housing association flat on a very small disability pension. She's also the most bitter and angry person you could ever meet, and doesn't think that there is anything wrong in blaming how her life turned out purely on the fact that she had children.

 

So don't even think of doing it, if you truly love children.

[Mittens]

I forgot that my mother's reason for doing what she did was that she was 24 and wanted to get married...this was in the late 60s, but she was from a Catholic family (and a country) with values still firmly rooted in the 40s and 50s...and if a woman wasn't married with 3 kids by the age of 25 she was seen as a failure. My mother wanted the (imaginary) social status that came from being married and a mother. Unfortunately she found out after she'd 'oopsed' my father that he had been lying about his age...he was 5 years younger than her and extremely immature.

[BettyDraper]

I can understand his concern, and I'm certainly not suggesting that he should have children if he really doesn't want to have children...

 

But, I have to wonder if loving a child, and experiencing the joy that comes from watching a child grow, could not be one of the most healing things he could do... Just a thought.

 

He will have to decide what he wants more/what he is prepared to live without... Life is about choices, and he has a big decision to make. Before you make life altering decisions about children and end your marriage, I would think that individual and marriage counselling would be a good investment...

 

The problem is that having children is a gamble. Nobody knows what kind of parent he will be until he is a father. The joy of raising children could certainly be healing but it could also go terribly wrong. Those who were abused as children are more likely to be abusive parents themselves.

 

One of the reasons my husband and I are childfree is we both had cruel mothers. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive. My MIL was emotionally abusive to my husband when he was a child. I have had years of counseling but I still have no desire to become a mother. In a way, I'm glad my mom showed me that being a mother is not always as wonderful as everyone says it is. Motherhood can destroy a woman's life in many ways.