Love him, but I want babies...

[RecentChange]

Sure.... There are reluctant men who become great fathers.

 

And there are dead beat dads, abusive dads, men who do not have the emotional capacity, temper or patience to be good dads.

 

Not ALL men are made to be great dad's. The numbers of crappy ones out there proves that. Plus the studies showing the happiness of parents really isn't as high as most lead on to.

 

Children are a blessing and a joy to those for which they are a blessing and a joy.

 

They are also an incredible life changing burden. The greatest test of patience one will ever have. A life long relationship with someone you don't get to choose - but rather get bestowed upon you.

 

Maybe this kid would be the best behaved, easiest to raise child ever - who brings nothing but joy.

 

Maybe this child will be deeply disturbed, incredibly difficult, or grow to become a drug addict, a constant stress and worry for it's parents.

 

I have never been much of a gambler, and choosing to have kids is a huge gamble.

 

To me it's like being forced to play a game of roulette. Maybe I will walk away with a fortune, and I will be so happy I was "forced to play". But maybe I would lose everything, and then I don't think I would be so thrilled with being forced to gamble.

 

Personally, I never wanted to dedicate my life to raising children. I didn't want to roll the dice and hope I get "a good one". I didn't want to bring a life into the world, and turn mine upside down to provide for it.

 

For some, that's all they want.... For others, it all sounds quite unsavory.

[elaine567]

 

Once his dad said something to the effect of that they were just like each other and my husband’s face went white. It was so sad because I know that my husband thinks they’re more similar than they are.

 

It could also be the whole genetics thing too, he may not be an abuser, but he maybe thinks he carries enough of the "abusive" genes, for him to not want to pass them on.

[elaine567]

I feel for the dude but I think the best thing is to leave him so he can find a woman who actually loves him.

 

She has already told him she wants a divorce, they have only put everything on hold, as tragically they lost a friend in the Las Vegas shooting.

[Miss blue.]

I can't help but detect a selfish overtone in all of your posts. Your poor husband, who you claim to love, is now pissing you off because he's not sharing the difficulty this is causing him. Your desire to have babies above all else is also a selfish move as you are doing it to satisfy a want of yours and nothing else. Let's also not forget the "dig" of leaving the ring, which you admit was intended to hurt him.

 

I don't believe you love your husband. If you did, the thought of leaving him would not enter your mind. I recall in a prior post you said you are both having a difficult time with this. While that may be true, he's having a MUCH more difficult time than you are.

 

I'm curious what your plan is once you leave? Are you going to find someone who will make a good match and a good father? Or are you going to a fertility clinic to get pregnant?

 

If the former, what will you say to prospective fathers? When will you bring up that you have a timetable to have a child? If the latter, are you financially stable enough to take care of them on their own?

 

The fact that you had that "Oh me too!" epiphany once your friend had a kid and are willing to trash a good marriage leads one to believe you have not really thought this through.

 

Compatible matches are very difficult to find. How many married couples do you know who are truly happy? How many do you know are just staying for the kids?

 

On another note, do you have a replacement lined up already? Someone you've got your eye on perhaps? If so, that would explain why you are willing to let him go. But even if that's not the case, I don't believe you really love your husband. In fact, it sounds like you resent him.

 

I feel for the dude but I think the best thing is to leave him so he can find a woman who actually loves him.

 

Actually, I am deeply in love with my husband. I think he is one of the most incredible people anyone could ever meet and I know that I’m lucky to have him. I think that it’s wrong to say I shouldn’t want children though... believe me if I could shake this feeling I would. Yes I’m mad he didn’t tell me he can’t eat, because that’s a huge deal. We are always open and honest with each other, and he’s not being open about this. That kills me.

 

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing everything I can to comfort him, and be with him. We have been holding each other sobbing almost every night.

 

No, I don’t have another man “lined up” because I don’t want another one. I do make money and I don’t know what I would say to a partner about children.

[Miss blue.]

She has already told him she wants a divorce, they have only put everything on hold, as tragically they lost a friend in the Las Vegas shooting.

 

Thank you, yes, that has changed a lot of things for us. It was one of our closest friends, probably even my husband’s best friend.

[contemplatincheatin]

My husband and I have been married five years. We are both thirty four, and he had a really bad childhood. When we got married he kind of decided for both of us we weren't having children. Initially, I was fine with it, but as time goes on, I'm not. Whenever someone asks us about kids, he says we aren't having any, but in my heart I want them. In my dreams I have three little boys.

 

I started to bring this up to him, and he freaked out saying we aren't having children. He was screaming at me. I haven't brought it up again but it's becoming more pressing that I need babies...

 

I know we're going to have to get divorced, but I'm scared about how he'll react, and I love him. He's my best friend. I don't want a divorce...What should I do?

Miss blue. - I totally understand your position. Since I am only hearing one side of this story, I believe you are making the right decision. Never comprise how you feel for someone else. Marriage is a partnership. You have the right to change your mind. The only advice I will give is to make certain this not just a phase you are going through before you end a great relationship. Ask yourself if having kids is worth losing your soulmate? Would you be better off without kids and with the love of your life or have children and possibly not find another soulmate relationship?

 

I can empathize with you because I'm in a similar situation. The only difference is my husband and I discussed having children before we got married. We both decided to have kids as soon as we were married. I was 36 when we got married and we have been married for a couple years. So, eight months into being married, my husband decides we need to use condoms and he doesn't want to have kids "right now". I was crushed. I still am...He says he wants to wait until he makes more money. I'm the breadwinner. Time is not on my side because of my age. Every year that passes he keeps saying wait until next year. Now, when I mention it, he says we shouldn't have kids with the problems we have. We have problems because he is selfish. Might I add, hubby has a grown daughter. I feel slighted because at the end of the day, he has a kid and I don't have any kids. Our sex life is non-existent because I feel so bad about myself every time we are intimate and my husband reaches for a condom so he doesn't get me pregnant. We are in the process of researching counselors. While I love him, I'm not in love with him anymore. This is not the only issue we have. There are others. I am willing to walk away and find someone who makes me happy.

[Just a Guy]

Hi contemplating, are you planning on cheating? That would be sad. As far as your husband having changed his mind about children after you both had agreed and knowing your age is against you, well although it seems similar to Miss Blue's dilemma, I think there is a difference. They did not have a discussion and it was presumed by her husband that she was in agreement with his decision whereas in actual fact I think she was ambivalent right through and then the trigger of her friend having a baby ignited her maternal instincts, which, for some reason she had been suppressing. In your case things were clearly laid out on the table right in the beginning. Your husband has shifted the goal posts after the fact of your marriage. If he had no intention of having children with you he should have said so in the beginning giving you a chance to back out of marrying him. I think he has pulled a sneaky trick on you. If you are determined to have your own children then move now to divorce him and get out while you still have the time. Some on here have suggested that a lady in her upper thirties should get her eggs frozen just in case she marries when fertilization is no longer possible. I think you should look into that.

 

I think Miss Blue is giving everything a once over right now so it may be some time before she decides on her future. Warm wishes.

[Amas5750]

I can't help but detect a selfish overtone in all of your posts. " Your desire to have babies above all else is also a selfish move as you are doing it to satisfy a want of yours and nothing else."

 

 

SevenCity... you clearly have not experienced the illogical, permeating wrath of the maternal instinct. It's the most powerful and unreasonable force.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Amas, you said it. I think the maternal instinct is as powerful a drive as sex or hunger and it has to be satisfied one way or another. Look at the number of women who undergo the torturous IVF treatment repeatedly when the previous attempts resulted in failure. Even those women who cannot carry their own babies due to some complication resort to surrogate mothers who can bring their child into this world for them. So I can understand that Miss Blue has this sudden overpowering desire to have children which is over riding her love for her husband and driving her to divorce him.

 

If you look at it, it is something quite natural. Nature has programmed women to conceive and have babies. In fact the whole purpose of sex is primarily for producing offspring. True sex is a pleasurable activity but I think Nature inbuilt pleasure into sex precisely to ensure that living creatures will have sex and procreate. Take away the pleasurable aspect of sex and even those who have sex as a pleasant diversion with their partners or others would not be interested in it. It is something like in the hey days of the Roman empire where they would have tables of the most delicious and enticing food of different varieties laid out for the gentry, who would then partake of what they could comfortably down and then visit the nearby vomitoriums and induce a bout of vomiting to clear their tummys and then come back to the table to partake of the untried dishes still awaiting their attention. That is what happens when sophistication reaches bizarre limits. However, remove peoples taste buds and people would only eat as much as they could stomach, more as a chore than anything else and move on. Food would then become a necessity for survival and not something to partake of for pleasure. So my take on Miss Blues desire to have kids is that it is not selfish but a compliance with her basic biological function as a woman. Yes there are plenty of women and men who do not want to have children but that is the result of over sophistication and being divorced from Nature to an extent. It may also be something that Nature programmed into the human race to control population growth beyond reasonable limits. Whatever the reason it is a matter of complete personal choice and what is right for one person may be completely wrong for someone else. Warm wishes.

[MJJean]

I can't help but detect a selfish overtone in all of your posts. " Your desire to have babies above all else is also a selfish move as you are doing it to satisfy a want of yours and nothing else."

 

 

SevenCity... you clearly have not experienced the illogical, permeating wrath of the maternal instinct. It's the most powerful and unreasonable force.

 

As someone who has experienced this need and had 3 children come of it, believe me, it's not selfish. The opposite. Part of the need is to love and nurture the child from your womb to your grave.

 

The truth is a serious incompatibility developed. Amas wants to be a mother. Her husband does not want to be a father. Unlike a lot of compatibility issues that may arise in a marriage, there is no way to compromise.

[SevenCity]

I can't help but detect a selfish overtone in all of your posts. " Your desire to have babies above all else is also a selfish move as you are doing it to satisfy a want of yours and nothing else."

 

 

SevenCity... you clearly have not experienced the illogical, permeating wrath of the maternal instinct. It's the most powerful and unreasonable force.

 

I grant you that I've never experienced the maternal instinct, or paternal other than the passing "it might be cool to have a kid".

 

However, what I have experienced is true love. It's illogical and overpowering and perhaps as strong or stronger than the maternal instinct. And when you feel that way there is NOTHING that would make you leave your partner. Nothing in the world.

 

That's why I say she doesn't truly love her husband. If she did, she couldn't leave him no matter what. When you break it down she is leaving him for the possibility of having a kid. There are no guarantees she will find the right guy or even be able to get pregnant, yet she is tossing him to the side like yesterday's trash for a maybe in the future.

 

I believe he is truly in love with her because he is entertaining the idea of a kid even though he doesn't want one just to keep her.

 

Perhaps women and men love differently, but when a man truly loves a woman he will move mountains to be with her.

[preraph]

It doesn't sound like he doesn't want kids. It sounds like he's afraid to have kids. Recreating a parent's mistakes is a common fear. If your husband isn't a violent man, why would he think that having a child would suddenly make him become abusive? He has control over his own actions and there's no reason why he would turn into his father. Perhaps this is an issue that would be helped by therapy?

 

 

 

You don't need to be "qualified" to be a parent, and you don't need to have had a parent to learn from. Many children grow up without parents and they still become perfectly good parents themselves. In fact, many people who had awful childhoods become excellent parents because they're determined not to repeat their parents' mistakes. It's ridiculous to suggest that anyone who was abused or put into foster care can't ever become a parent because they never had a parent themselves.

 

The number of kids in the foster system is all the evidence I need to know that just having a kid doesn't make you a good parent! You're naive.

[Miss blue.]

We started seeing a therapist, and things have been going well. However, I’m late. It’s freaking me out... I haven’t told him yet. I don’t even know what to say... I can’t stop crying.

[RecentChange]

Yikes hopefully all of the stress is what has made you late.

 

I thought you said he uses condoms?

[Els]

However, what I have experienced is true love. It's illogical and overpowering and perhaps as strong or stronger than the maternal instinct. And when you feel that way there is NOTHING that would make you leave your partner. Nothing in the world.

 

Really? What if she told you point blank that she NEVER wanted to have sex with you again, ever? Or that she was getting a sex change operation?

 

I cannot identify with the desire for children, but it's pretty obvious that for some people who feel very strongly about wanting them, it's a fundamental need, just like love or sex. If the OP feels that need to such an extent, it would be best for her to leave.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Elswyth

[MJJean]

We started seeing a therapist, and things have been going well. However, I’m late. It’s freaking me out... I haven’t told him yet. I don’t even know what to say... I can’t stop crying.

Try to relax, do whatever you like to do to release stress if you cna manage it, and wait a week or two. If you still haven't had a period, buy a test and see. It's really common for stress or illness to cause missed or later periods, so don't freak out yet.

 

Yikes hopefully all of the stress is what has made you late.

 

I thought you said he uses condoms?

 

My 2nd DD is the product of a condom failure. It happens. Condoms have a "typical use" failure rate of about 18% according to the CDC.

[kazen]

I have a crazy idea. Since you deeply love your husband and he feels the same about you, I say ask him to father your child. Then you two separate and you raise the child on your own. Perhaps if he sees the child born, it might trigger his fatherly instinct to be part of the child's life and you two may get back together. If not, you two are separated (or divorce) and you get your child and he still has his own life. The reason why I suggest this solution is because you're not young anymore and finding a man to get married and have a baby takes time, you can't rush it. What if you can't find a good man to remarry? Nothing in life is guaranteed. You don't want to marry the wrong man either. Anyways, I thought I throw out that idea. I know you don't want to force him to be a father but I think if your child came from him, it is a continuation of your love with him. However, something tells me he will change his mind about a child once he has one. My brother used to say he doesn't want kids either. But he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant and now he loves his daughter. Bottom line, people change base on circumstances. I wish you the best.

[Miss blue.]

We do use condoms every time, but there was the night at the hotel when he kept taking them off. So I just don’t know, I’m about three days late so far. While I would be ecstatic to be pregnant, I don’t want to do that to him...

 

Kazen, that would be my ideal scenario. I’d be honored to have his children, even if he didn’t want them, but I know he’s not going to go for it...

[kazen]

We do use condoms every time, but there was the night at the hotel when he kept taking them off. So I just don’t know, I’m about three days late so far. While I would be ecstatic to be pregnant, I don’t want to do that to him...

 

Kazen, that would be my ideal scenario. I’d be honored to have his children, even if he didn’t want them, but I know he’s not goin g to go for it...

 

It doesn't hurt to ask. Tell him you want his baby and you'll happily raise it on your own and that if he ever change his mind he can be part of it.

[Sammichmaker]

 

However, what I have experienced is true love. It's illogical and overpowering and perhaps as strong or stronger than the maternal instinct. And when you feel that way there is NOTHING that would make you leave your partner. Nothing in the world.

 

Yes, true love may be both illogical and overpowering.. but as humans, we are able to decide whether or not things would be the healthiest situation to keep each other in.

 

If my soon-to-be husband cheated. Yes, I would try my best to work through it - because I love him.. but if I cannot give him my complete faith, trust and respect then it would be in the best of interests for both people, despite the love still being there, to leave.

 

It's examples like above that remind us not to push toxicity onto our partners just because we are emotionally tied to them, nor ourselves.. because ultimately, true love is about caring for one another (which is exactly what the O.P. is doing by not yet divorcing and giving each other time to discuss and work through this together).

Edited October 25, 2017 by Sammichmaker

[Just a Guy]

Hi Miss Blue, firstly do what MJJean suggested. Get a home pregnancy test kit and test yourself to confirm or squash your doubts. Secondly, if you are indeed pregnant then I think Kazen's advice is already in the process of being realized, albeit, unknowingly. I also think you may be wrong about your husband vehemently not wanting a child as otherwise why would he keep pulling off condoms while making love to you? I think his love for you and to pander to your needs is much stronger than his distaste for having kids and in time, may be dispelled completely. If that be the case it's a win win for you all the way. You get to keep the man you love and you get to have your child too. Have fun! Warm wishes.

[Miss blue.]

I’ve taken three positive tests... oh my god. I have no idea what I’m going to say.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Miss Blue, this is your watershed moment. Just do not hesitate but tell him that you are in the family way. See what his reaction is like. If he expresses any bit of annoyance tell him that it resulted from his pulling off condoms against your wishes. After that, depending on how he reacts overall you can decide to stay or pack your bags, tell him you will keep the baby and that you will not hold him responsible for any support for the baby and move on with your life. Although I do not think it will come to that. I think your husband loves you a tad too much to abandon you and your baby. I think Kazen's idea seems to be coming to fruition. So do not panic. Put on a brave and calm exterior and address this as soon as possible. Warm wishes.

[contemplatincheatin]

Hi contemplating, are you planning on cheating? That would be sad. As far as your husband having changed his mind about children after you both had agreed and knowing your age is against you, well although it seems similar to Miss Blue's dilemma, I think there is a difference. They did not have a discussion and it was presumed by her husband that she was in agreement with his decision whereas in actual fact I think she was ambivalent right through and then the trigger of her friend having a baby ignited her maternal instincts, which, for some reason she had been suppressing. In your case things were clearly laid out on the table right in the beginning. Your husband has shifted the goal posts after the fact of your marriage. If he had no intention of having children with you he should have said so in the beginning giving you a chance to back out of marrying him. I think he has pulled a sneaky trick on you. If you are determined to have your own children then move now to divorce him and get out while you still have the time. Some on here have suggested that a lady in her upper thirties should get her eggs frozen just in case she marries when fertilization is no longer possible. I think you should look into that.

 

I think Miss Blue is giving everything a once over right now so it may be some time before she decides on her future. Warm wishes.

Hi Just a Guy,

 

Thank you for your response. Your are correct. My husband pulled a trick on me. If I could do it all over again, I would've left as soon as he told me that. I stayed because we had just gotten married and at one point I fooled myself into thinking that I would be fine if I never had kids. That thinking quickly changed. I have to be true to myself.

 

I have "contemplated cheating". I decided against it because if I decide to make a break from my marriage, I need to do it without interference from someone else.

[preraph]

I’ve taken three positive tests... oh my god. I have no idea what I’m going to say.

 

Well, what I wouldn't do is act incredulous and surprised.