Mittens Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I was talking about my mother, not the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Hi Mittens and Recent Change, I had a question for both of you if you would be comfortable answering it. The question is that since both of you have always been clear in your minds that you did not want children why did you not have your tubes tied? That way you would, forever have removed the possibility of getting in the family way and could have had unprotected sex with your SOs without any worry about getting conceiving. Even birth control measures would not be needed. I just do not get why one would take the risk of getting in the family way and then terminating it. Maybe both of you have your reasons. Thanks. Best wishes. I'm also with Mittens and Recent Change & Soul Cat. There are several reasons that I haven't gotten my tubes tied. Number one being that no doctor will actually DO the procedure. I'm in my early 30's, but all I hear is "you'll change your mind when you fall in love with the right man" and other variations of that statement. Number two is that I have heart problems and a byproduct of these heart problems is an abnormal heart rhythm which can be affected by medications they give you during surgeries. So even if I could find one who would do the surgery on me, they'd probably run away screaming when they heard of my complex medical history. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Actually that's the question I had for the OP's husband all along. Hi Mittens and Recent Change, I had a question for both of you if you would be comfortable answering it. The question is that since both of you have always been clear in your minds that you did not want children why did you not have your tubes tied? That way you would, forever have removed the possibility of getting in the family way and could have had unprotected sex with your SOs without any worry about getting conceiving. Even birth control measures would not be needed. I just do not get why one would take the risk of getting in the family way and then terminating it. Maybe both of you have your reasons. Thanks. Best wishes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Hi Soulcat, Mittens and RecentChange, I'm sorry if my question caused any of you discomfort because that certainly was not my intention. I thought that having one's tubes tied was a common procedure world wide and would be the ideal for women not wanting to have children even due to a slip up sometime. Where I live it is quite common and that was why I thought it was the same where you folk are located. Even so I guess there are other methods of contraception that work quite well and a combination of these should ensure almost fool proof safety from unwanted pregnancies. I guess if you are on the pill and also use a diaphragm or copper T then you should be safe. You also have after the act pills which when taken within 72 hours of the act will prevent pregnancy. I guess women of today have a lot of choices with regard to obviating pregnancy as compared to what was available in earlier years. I am sure that all of you have managed to remain baby free so probably you have already got the right solution in place. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Wow, I just love it when a man explains to me the various forms of contraception that I've been actually using for over 30 ****ing years. Patronising, much? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 (edited) I gave him four options to choose from regarding the baby: 1. I abort, and we divorce and cut off all contact. I said that if he for some reason doesn’t want to be a father then I would do that for him because I love him. 2. I keep the baby, and we cut off all contact. He doesn’t have to have any responsibility and I get to keep my child. 3. I keep the baby, we divorce and we can do visitation and he can have as much or as little interaction as he wants. 4. We stay together and raise our little baby. That’s what I want so bad. I know we could be good parents and love our little one so much. He said he would think about it and get back to me. I wish that we were both on the same page so much it hurts. He made me feel worthless last night because we went to dinner and had this conversation and he immediately wanted to come back to my hotel room with me and kept touching me and trying to kiss me and saying we could go back and have sex... my heart is breaking and that’s what he wants... it hurt. Edited October 29, 2017 by Miss blue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 He made me feel worthless last night because we went to dinner and had this conversation and he immediately wanted to come back to my hotel room with me and kept touching me and trying to kiss me and saying we could go back and have sex... my heart is breaking and that’s what he wants... it hurt. My guess is that the "love" he feels for you may be all about missing the sex and not much else, sorry to say. You already love this child so having an abortion would totally screw up your life forever. I think you need to start making provision for him not being part of you and your child's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 (edited) I gave him four options to choose from regarding the baby: 1. I abort, and we divorce and cut off all contact. I said that if he for some reason doesn’t want to be a father then I would do that for him because I love him. 2. I keep the baby, and we cut off all contact. He doesn’t have to have any responsibility and I get to keep my child. 3. I keep the baby, we divorce and we can do visitation and he can have as much or as little interaction as he wants. 4. We stay together and raise our little baby. That’s what I want so bad. I know we could be good parents and love our little one so much. He said he would think about it and get back to me. I wish that we were both on the same page so much it hurts. He made me feel worthless last night because we went to dinner and had this conversation and he immediately wanted to come back to my hotel room with me and kept touching me and trying to kiss me and saying we could go back and have sex... my heart is breaking and that’s what he wants... it hurt. Well, that's not exactly the reaction that you want from your husband and the father of your child. That would definitely hurt. I'm so sorry. You want this baby. If you can raise the child on your own, I would not abort. I don't know that you could recover from that decision... Edited October 29, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Hi Mittens and Recent Change, I had a question for both of you if you would be comfortable answering it. The question is that since both of you have always been clear in your minds that you did not want children why did you not have your tubes tied? That way you would, forever have removed the possibility of getting in the family way and could have had unprotected sex with your SOs without any worry about getting conceiving. Even birth control measures would not be needed. I just do not get why one would take the risk of getting in the family way and then terminating it. Maybe both of you have your reasons. Thanks. Best wishes. Getting tubes tied is actually a fairly risky procedure especially when compared to a vasectomy - https://www.prevention.com/health/what-to-know-when-getting-tubes-tied . There is general anaesthesia involved, and there is an abdominal incision. If a long-term couple really wanted permanent birth control, a vasectomy would be the way to go instead - cheaper, more effective, lower risk, and more reversible. Tubal ligation should only be considered if a vasectomy is contraindicated for medical reasons, or the woman is single and wanting it for herself rather than as part of a couple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 You want this baby. If you can raise the child on your own, I would not abort. I don't know that you could recover from that decision... Well so many people here have made me feel like I’m doing something wrong by being pregnant or for feeling the way I do about my child that I can’t help but feel that people in my real life might feel that way too without saying it. Especially him. I never want to be thought of as the woman who trapped him with a baby. Or the vindictive bitch that got pregnant behind his back. That’s why I’m going to let him decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Well so many people here have made me feel like I’m doing something wrong by being pregnant or for feeling the way I do about my child that I can’t help but feel that people in my real life might feel that way too without saying it. Especially him. I never want to be thought of as the woman who trapped him with a baby. Or the vindictive bitch that got pregnant behind his back. That’s why I’m going to let him decide. And when the abortion counselor at the clinic asks you if this is 100% your decision and you're not being coerced by anyone else, what are you going to say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 And when the abortion counselor at the clinic asks you if this is 100% your decision and you're not being coerced by anyone else, what are you going to say? Well obviously, I’d say yes. He’s so important to me that I don’t want to make him do things he doesn’t want to. I love him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Well so many people here have made me feel like I’m doing something wrong by being pregnant or for feeling the way I do about my child that I can’t help but feel that people in my real life might feel that way too without saying it. Especially him. I never want to be thought of as the woman who trapped him with a baby. Or the vindictive bitch that got pregnant behind his back. That’s why I’m going to let him decide. We do use condoms every time, but there was the night at the hotel when he kept taking them off. So I just don’t know, I’m about three days late so far. While I would be ecstatic to be pregnant, I don’t want to do that to him... Come on now. Given that HE took the condoms off, I'd say he made his bed. It's not like you were poking holes in them... If you want to keep the baby and you feel you are able to provide the child with a decent life without your husband around, keep the baby. Otherwise, don't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Well obviously, I’d say yes. He’s so important to me that I don’t want to make him do things he doesn’t want to. I love him. I hear what you are saying... You don't want to be the woman who got pregnant and forced him into doing something he will always resent. But instead, your plan is to allow someone else to make a decision that will alter the course of your life forever. He may be your husband, and I know that you love him and you want to be with him forever... But, you are allowing another person to make a decision that will take from you something that you really want in your life. What happens, if you have an abortion and your resentment grows such that your marriage does not survive the stress of this loss? What happens, if he decides a year or two from now that this stress of this experience has driven you apart, and he wants out of the marriage anyway? Would you regret this decision for the rest of your life? It's a really difficult situation with no right or easy answers. I don't mean to upset you. I ask these questions only to encourage you to do what is in your heart... because YOU will need to live with this decision for the rest of your life... As much as I love my partner, this is not a decision that I would allow another person to make for me. ((Big hug)) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 Come on now. Given that HE took the condoms off, I'd say he made his bed. It's not like you were poking holes in them... If you want to keep the baby and you feel you are able to provide the child with a decent life without your husband around, keep the baby. Otherwise, don't. I can afford my baby if he decides to walk away. Support might be a little more difficult because I really only have his mom and I don’t know if he’d let us continue to have a relationship. Someone could say I went off my birth control, which I didn’t do for conception reasons originally. I also told him the moment I did and always made sure we had condoms at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I can afford my baby if he decides to walk away. Support might be a little more difficult because I really only have his mom and I don’t know if he’d let us continue to have a relationship. Someone could say I went off my birth control, which I didn’t do for conception reasons originally. I also told him the moment I did and always made sure we had condoms at home. People will always be judging and making wrong assumptions about everyone. I really do not think "what other people think" should be your main reason for an abortion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I can afford my baby if he decides to walk away. Support might be a little more difficult because I really only have his mom and I don’t know if he’d let us continue to have a relationship. Someone could say I went off my birth control, which I didn’t do for conception reasons originally. I also told him the moment I did and always made sure we had condoms at home. He knew you went off your birth control, and he continued to have unprotected sex with you. That was his decision. You are worried about how this will be perceived. You obviously feel some guilt about the whole situation. Just be careful - don't let the guilt and your concern about other people's opinion make this decision for you. If this is your life's dream, then you shouldn't let others take that from you. YOU, have done nothing wrong here... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 I hear what you are saying... You don't want to be the woman who got pregnant and forced him into doing something he will always resent. But instead, your plan is to allow someone else to make a decision that will alter the course of your life forever. He may be your husband, and I know that you love him and you want to be with him forever... But, you are allowing another person to make a decision that will take from you something that you really want in your life. What happens, if you have an abortion and your resentment grows such that your marriage does not survive the stress of this loss? What happens, if he decides a year or two from now that this stress of this experience has driven you apart, and he wants out of the marriage anyway? Would you regret this decision for the rest of your life? It's a really difficult situation with no right or easy answers. I don't mean to upset you. I ask these questions only to encourage you to do what is in your heart... because YOU will need to live with this decision for the rest of your life... As much as I love my partner, this is not a decision that I would allow another person to make for me. ((Big hug)) Well that’s the thing about aborting. He chooses that and we divorce. I won’t stay, and I told him that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Well that’s the thing about aborting. He chooses that and we divorce. I won’t stay, and I told him that. Well then, assuming that he doesn't get on board with the idea of becoming a father... The choice is... Have the child, and divorce. Or don't have the child, and divorce. If you plan to divorce anyway, why would you ever allow him to make this decision for you? How would you ever recover from the grief and the resentment. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 People will always be judging and making wrong assumptions about everyone. I really do not think "what other people think" should be your main reason for an abortion. It’s not. What he wants is what’s driving this. I’ve never wanted to make him do things he doesn’t want to. That’s not fair to him or my little baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I gave him four options to choose from regarding the baby: 1. I abort, and we divorce and cut off all contact. I said that if he for some reason doesn’t want to be a father then I would do that for him because I love him. 2. I keep the baby, and we cut off all contact. He doesn’t have to have any responsibility and I get to keep my child. 3. I keep the baby, we divorce and we can do visitation and he can have as much or as little interaction as he wants. 4. We stay together and raise our little baby. That’s what I want so bad. I know we could be good parents and love our little one so much. He said he would think about it and get back to me. I wish that we were both on the same page so much it hurts. He made me feel worthless last night because we went to dinner and had this conversation and he immediately wanted to come back to my hotel room with me and kept touching me and trying to kiss me and saying we could go back and have sex... my heart is breaking and that’s what he wants... it hurt. How about a fifth option....an open adoption. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I can afford my baby if he decides to walk away. Support might be a little more difficult because I really only have his mom and I don’t know if he’d let us continue to have a relationship. Someone could say I went off my birth control, which I didn’t do for conception reasons originally. I also told him the moment I did and always made sure we had condoms at home. Who cares what people say? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 29, 2017 Author Share Posted October 29, 2017 How about a fifth option....an open adoption. I couldn’t live knowing my little baby was with someone other than me. I honestly would probably kill myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 It’s not. What he wants is what’s driving this. I’ve never wanted to make him do things he doesn’t want to. That’s not fair to him or my little baby. He made that decision for himself at the time he took his condom off, though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 I couldn’t live knowing my little baby was with someone other than me. I honestly would probably kill myself. How are you going to live with the grief and resentment of knowing that you aborted a baby you wanted... Only to find yourself alone anyway. I don't know that you can even imagine the grief and resentment you will feel if you have an abortion. It could be devastating. If you are able to get some counselling before you make this decision - please do it. This is a life altering decision. My heart breaks for you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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