My Husband won't stop "friendship" with his ex

[desperatehousewife]

I am hoping I get some replies to this because I am at my wits end. My husband is a compulsive liar. He lies about everything big and small, his answer is always that he was "scared" by my reaction, he didn't want to cause trouble blah, blah, blah. We have seperated 3x because he refuses to stop contact with his ex-girlfriend. He insists they are JUST FRIENDS and she has been there for him in hard times before we met. When I met him he told me she is a good friend that is now married with a child (Harmless, right?) Well as time goes on I find out that after she was married he slept with her after they went out to club together. I should mention we are from 2 different countries, I'm American he is European. While I was pregnant I went back to the U.S to have our child. He hung out a lot with her despite my objections because he said she is his FRIEND and all he did was talk about me and the baby the whole time. To make matters worse during an argument about HER, he blurted out that he even spent the night at her place while her husband was gone out of town and NOTHING HAPPENED, so now I should believe they are just FRIENDS!?! By the way he did this while I was pregnant in another country with his child. His mother can NOT stand this woman, she has threatened him many times that she will never talk to him again if he has continued contact.

 

To make a long story short, I have left him over lying to me about his contact. He knew it upset me and I gave him an ultimatum, he then told me he was not going to contact her and he told her that their friendship was a problem for me. That I was INSECURE AND JEALOUS!!!!!!!!! (She later told me).

She tries to pass this whole thing off as if I'm making a big deal out of nothing, she says she looks at him like a brother and was so happy for him when we started dating etc. But this woman has a bad reputation herself and I don't trust her, his family never liked her and even he has told me things about her that makes me wonder WHY Is he even friends with her. He has said she is sneaky, liar, etc. She also cheated on him when they dated years ago.

 

He basically doesn't understand what my problem is, he says this is a HARMLESS friendship that I can't handle.

I have had a very difficult time getting over all of his lies, I have looked in his cell phone finding phone calls between them when he has said he hasn't spoken to her in months, when I ask him if he has he lies straight to my face and even lectures me about being paranoid! Then I show him what I find in his cell phone and he finally admits the truth, but only after I catch him.

There are too many examples to give of me asking him about her, and him swearing he hasn't heard or seen this woman in months then to find out he has been in contact with her recently. He claims I make him lie because I am making this a big deal.

I recently left him because I found that I could not trust him anymore and I could not forgive the piles of lies that have happened. I packed up my child and moved back to the U.S on my own to start a new life.

 

It turns out that I was very happy to be back but I don't have any brothers/sisters and my mother is sick with cancer and we were never close. I didn't have the support network I needed to raise a child on my own. My daughter has a condition that keeps her out of daycare until her immune system is better which basically equals I couldn't keep a job unless I had someone to watch her.

 

After lots of regular phone calls between my husband and I we decided that it's best for everybody if I come back. Before I did this I begged him to come clean with anything and everything, I told him I could not take another round of lies of cover ups. He swore to me that all that mattered is me and our child and he will do anything to have us back. We were seperated for a total of 4 months. I can't resist asking if he has talked to her, and he ofcourse swears he has not had any contact with this woman for ages and he can't stand her anyway etc. He swears he will tell me if she contacts him because he wants to be honest with me and he won't do anything to jeapordize our family again. I have been here two weeks back with him and I have found out that he saw her a couple of weeks before we came, they went out to a concert together, the only way I found that out was because I found his SENT text messages in his phone discussing their plans. He has now since admitted that shortly after I left him that she contacted him via email hearing that I had left and asked how he was holding up etc, they have been in regular contact ever since then. He is saying that when I left with the baby he was so depressed he didn't see why he should keep his promise to me anymore, that I had left him blah, blah, blah. I also found out that he was going out to night clubs meeting other women and going out on dates which he claims he never slept with anyone.

 

We were in regular contact talking almost daily when I left for the U.S, he knew that there was a high chance of reconcilliation.

I am at my wits end. My heart wants to help him so we can save our marriage, but my mind says Screw Him!! And move on with my life, but moving on with my life is not too realisitic, I broke my apt lease and have bad credit, I have no money and no support, so in a way I feel stuck with this compulsive liar!! I have heard the SAME apologies and SAME "I am never going to see my ex again" Stories. He is begging me to stay and swears he will do ANYTHING including counseling, change his job (Long story with THAT). But I am TIRED, and BROKEN. I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the few family members I have think he's some Saint and wouldn't believe all of this. They think I should be grateful to have such a "good man".

I feel at my lowest point. I need Straight Forward HONEST advice from somebody/anybody because I am not thinking straight anymore.

THANKS

[Heavenlyflower9]

Dhw,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through!

 

It sounds like this guy is NEVER going to change! even after 3 seperations and a child!

 

Do you really love him? Is this what you want for you and your daughter?

 

Give him another (last) Ultumatum! Either it's US or friend! If no response, then divorce him.

 

You really need to think about your future with your daughter. How old is she? She does'nt need this either.

 

I know it's hard finanically, but it will get better. Get legal help. There are lawyers that have dealt with cases like this.

 

Since he's european it might be tricky! Where is he from anyway?

 

Be strong! Hang in there! If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me, then we can maybe email another.

 

Hugs-Heavenlyflower

[RecordProducer]

From what you wrote here, he sounds like a total jerk! I don't see any good perspective for this marriage. He swears and lies, he has no moral values whatsoever. It seems like he is sleeping with his ex and other women as well. You said:

 

"But this woman has a bad reputation herself and I don't trust her, his family never liked her and even he has told me things about her that makes me wonder WHY Is he even friends with her. He has said she is sneaky, liar, etc. She also cheated on him when they dated years ago."

 

He has a bad reputation also and you don't trust him either. He is also a liar and a cheater so that's why they like each other so much. You just don't fit in his picture of ideally dirty life.

He doesn't sound like a professionally successful person to me either given his unserious behavior.

 

So why do you need him in your life? Only because of your daughter? I have children myself so I know how hard it is, but perhaps you could find a job, maybe continue with your education later (if necessary) and have a baby-sitter for your daughter. Children grow up very fast. In a few years she will already go to school. You could find a room mate with a child in the US so that you can help each other and split costs, and if you have a good job, you could afford a baby-sitter as well.

 

As a last resort, you could stay with him until she grows up a little and use the time to work on yourself (job experience, additional training and courses, study languages, etc.), but don't hope that this marriage will last and that you'll be able to put up with his sh*t without having a nervous break-down. I would be sick to sleep in the same bed with such a man and it seems to me that you are too.

[DesertDweller]

What a total scumbag! My advice: Use him, use him, use him until you can stand on your own two feet. I have a friend who plotted her divorce years in advance. She detached emotionally from her husband, having sex with him only when SHE was in the mood. Because she had been a homemaker throughout their marriage and had no real work experience, she took computer classes which eventually led to a well-paying job. She saved her money, then left him when she was able to support herself and her two daughters. She owns her own home now and is living life on her terms. Plan for a future without him. But keep your plans to yourself.