amaysngrace Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I'm sorry to hear she is a narcissist. They are the absolute hardest people to deal with IME because it's always all about them. Hoping good news for your grandfather next week. He's very fortunate to have all of you to care for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Old people sometimes get senile.... Just spend as much time as you can with him, make sure he's receiving good care, and do your best to have his emotional needs met. Every time when I hear sad stories about grandparents in near-send me to tears, mine raised me and I just miss them way too much up to date Title is self explainatory really! For some background first: My grandfather was diagnosed with stomach cancer around 4 weeks ago. He was hospitalised and underwent a 6 hour operation where doctors removed half of his stomach, he miraculously survived it and has recovered rather well so far. After a 16 day stay in hospital he was discharged. He has also started eating small amounts. He has an appointment with the oncologist next week where we will know if he is going to survive or if he is slowly dying, to be blunt. A problem here is my grandmother. She has become quite senile and egocentric, to the point where she doesn't want to look after him. She has been terribly nasty whereby he wasn't home from hospital for an hour before she began telling him how much of a burden he is. We visited him later in the day and he started to cry. It made me deeply upset, seeing an unwell cancer patient (my grandfather no less) under additional stress in the hands of a heartless woman. It would be anxiety inducing enough fighting cancer let alone having to live in an abusive, scary environment. My parents decided he stay with them for the time being just to get him out of that toxic environment. They're doctors so he's under constant medical supervision too. Seeing how miserable he was with my grandmother cut me deep, especially seeing him cry. Any advice on how to shake this grief? I'm spending as much time with him as I can because I never know what the doctor will say next week. I'm just feeling so sad for him in the wake of seeing him look so miserable from feeling worthless and being verbally abused. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlinNYC Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 I'm sorry to hear she is a narcissist. They are the absolute hardest people to deal with IME because it's always all about them. Hoping good news for your grandfather next week. He's very fortunate to have all of you to care for him. Yeah, I think you would get more empathy from an inanimate object. But the main thing is he isn't abandoned, my mom's sister has offered to take him for a week and others in the extended family too so the support is there. Nobody knows the time he has left so the main priority it to make him feel loved while he's here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 She has been quite antagonistic for much of her adult life. His health hasn't impacted her attitude really, she has been very resentful towards him for a number of years now (even when he was at full health) - she can't let go of grudges it seems. Well that all depends on what he actually did to her. Some things cannot be forgotten or forgiven very easily. We don't usually know the half of what goes on in people's marriages and many will keep it all hidden anyway and do not want to discuss it. Yes she may be a nasty piece of work who just got nastier, but she may have some very valid reasons for feeling resentful and angry towards her husband. Divorce for that generation was not a simple option. It is easy to take the side of the one who at present obviously needs help, but do they really deserve it? I am not saying your grandfather was an ogre necessarily, but he may have been. Who knows? All you have now is a sad old man who is facing death and that of course evokes much sorrow, but she is your grandmother and if you understood exactly where she is coming from, you may be more sympathetic towards her. She is probably very scared at the moment, she is coming to the end of a era and she will be questioning her own mortality too... Do not be too hard on her, everyone copes with impending death in their own way 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kvolm2016 Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Thank you I know how to locate a counselor, there are plenty around me. I hope that one of them has the magic words whatever they may be to stop me feeling so sad for him. Not that my intention is to be heartless but I at least want to stop feeling like I want to cry every time I look at him, I don't feel that helps him or me. Well in my experience the benefits of meeting with a counselor is not so much the magic words (which would definitely be great if they existed, right!) but just the opportunity to gain some perspective on the whole situations we are walking through. Often times it is our perspective that is impacted when we are in the midst of a difficult situation for the first time. Glad you know how to find the support if you want to do so! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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