wife is now living with a sexual preditor

[jonybgood]

Well so here it goes again. Once again I appreciate all the support in my last thread. Wife left after 13 years. Well there are new developments and I wonder still what is going on. I really need some feedback on this one.

 

Well it turns out that she has been seeing her friend and I'm sure now that she has been cheating on me for a while now, but to make matters worse she was hiding the fact that he is a class 2 sexual abuser. He has done prison time for this. She is making excuses for him. Can anyone believe that she would put our two children in this kind of danger.

 

Believe me folks this is not the woman I haver been married to for the past 13 years. So today I am going to child protective services and trying to get an injunction against her seeing them UN-supervised. This is the hardest thing I have ever done because I love her so much. And how do I explain this to the boys when they wonder why they can't go to her house anymore.

 

I also have to let her family know because there are several small children that she has been taking him around. He sexually abused his own child and is a very violent person. He has beat up his ex-wife and there are so many more things.

 

I know what I have to do for the boys and to protect the children, but I am just so confused how a normally stable and perfectly well adjusted woman can do this. Anybody got any ideas or experience?

[Maria46]

I don't know how long CPS takes to do things, but I would suggest that you contact the local police and tell them what you know. If what you say is true, part of his probation and parole is for him not to be around minors. He can be arrested for violation of parole. Do not wait one minute more!!!

 

As for her going off of the deep end, I can't give you an answer for that.

 

What you tell the boys about not going to her house.....explain that mom's boyfriend has done bad things to other children. Don't know their ages, but they will understand that.

 

Good luck

[LucreziaBorgia]

I am just so confused how a normally stable and perfectly well adjusted woman can do this.

 

Because the normal, stable and well-adjusted woman you know for all intents and purposes is gone, and has been replaced with some alien version of your wife: one whose brain was fried and transformed by this affair. Some call it the fog - whatever it is, it is painful to see someone you thought you knew so well acting in a completely foreign way when buried heart-deep into an affair. She is the one that has to walk out of it though. Anything you do to try to bring her out will just drive her further in.

 

It is good that you are taking steps to protect your children. There is no excuse for this sexual predator to have access to your children, and as long as your wife is involved with him she will have to understand that she is included in this blocked access as it is apparent she lacks the mental, emotional and moral judgment necessary to protect her children.

[Craig]

Originally posted by Maria46

I don't know how long CPS takes to do things, but I would suggest that you contact the local police and tell them what you know. If what you say is true, part of his probation and parole is for him not to be around minors. He can be arrested for violation of parole. Do not wait one minute more!!!

 

As for her going off of the deep end, I can't give you an answer for that.

 

What you tell the boys about not going to her house.....explain that mom's boyfriend has done bad things to other children. Don't know their ages, but they will understand that.

 

Good luck

Ditto.

[jonybgood]

wow - called her this morning. told her this was not about us but she could not take the children and that I was taking steps to protect them. she acted as though she didn't know what was going on in one breath and defended him in the next.

 

easiest decision I ever made and the hardest one to carry out. I hate doing this but I have no choice. Funny thing is she didn't even act as though she cared. She just blamed me for this too. Well I have big shoulders if she wants to blame me for all the bad decisions in her life so be it. but it does hurt tremendously. I just wish she would wake up and come out of the fog. god I can't wait for that.

 

I don't know if I could forgive her or take her back, but I do want what's best for her, and our children and I see what she is doing to everyone involved.

 

This sucks.

[New_Wife]

Jonybgood,

 

What a wonderful father you are. This must hurt you terribly, but please take it from an adult child who was not removed from a situation like this - you can give your children no greater gift. I hope God, or The Cosmos, or Kharma, or whatever you believe in rewards you richly

[jonybgood]

thank you so much - right now I need all the validation I can get. There is my 16 year old stepson ( I am his dad since two) living w/ her. He cant stand it there. she is so bad to him right now and he has so much pressure on him. like he has to chose between us. she is asking him to lie for her and everything. when i try to contact him she wont let me and calls me a manipulator and a control freak. please just validate what i am doing here. words of encouragement and support. but if I am wrong I know this forum you will be honest with me. I wish there were a way for no contact. but with the current situation i dont see how. thank you

[RecordProducer]

This is so sad. And disgusting and outrageous!

The center of social work might be willing to deal with your situation. You should get a PI to dig out all the juicy details from his life and present them to your wife. Your main goal should be to remove the scum-bag from your wife's life for the sake of your children, but first remove the kids from her life.

You need proofs and a lot of stamina to fight this. perhaps you could talk to his child/ex-wife/family?

[clandestinidad]

I admire you, and am sooo proud of you for doing this for your children. It takes a LOT of strength to do this. I'm also very sad that you and your children have to deal with this....

 

I agree that you should call the police, and tell them about the children being around this disgusting psycho. Not only your children, but the stepson as well....you must get him out of this, even if he's not biologically yours. What about adopting him, not sure if you would/could. The cops should know about this now in case anything else happens, besides the fact that he will go back to jail for violating probation.

 

Also, have you gotten an attorney yet?? They would certainly know what can be done about this...and I wouldnt wait much longer to hire one, since this situation unfortunately (probably) wont be over until a judge rules on it.

 

Youre in for a long difficult journey, but I am confident that you will continue to do the right thing, your children will be happy and healthy, and all of you will move through this stronger and wiser and closer than before.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by jonybgood

please just validate what i am doing here. words of encouragement and support. but if I am wrong I know this forum you will be honest with me

 

Yes....you're right, we most certainly would be honest and tell you if you were wrong.

 

But how could protecting your children be wrong?

 

I know that a WS can REALLY put a "spin" on their story. They make it all sound convincing, because in their fog-filled mind....their perception IS their truth. They believe it.

 

But you're not living in someone else's "perception". You're living in an unkind REALITY. One in which your partner has abdicated responsibility, and left the complete burden of being the ONLY adult in the scenario, firmly placed upon your shoulders.

 

If you REALLY believe that the OM is a bad person. If you have evidence of misdeeds on his part, and if you think he's a danger to your children...then you've got to take whatever legal means available to you to insure their safety.

 

What could you say to those kids 'years down the road', if you fail to do that?

 

Of course, your wife IS going to be mad. She'll believe you are motivated by vindictiveness. That's to be expected in her current frame of mind....lost in the fog with her brain held hostage by the alien forces of infidelity.

 

But the BIG PICTURE here is the safety of the kids. Romantic relationships are secondary to that....always.

 

 

 

 

One word of advice regarding your relationship with your step-son.... Don't talk to him about his mother unless he brings the subject up first. And then, don't say ANYTHING negative about her.

 

I find it admirable, that you've taken on this child as a true father would. My own step-father is the same. I've never doubted for a minute that, in his eyes...I was equal to any child of his body. He's a wonderful man. And his dedication to me has meant more that words can express.

 

It'll be that way for you and your son one day, I'm sure. But it's important to protect your relationship with him now. At sixteen, he probably looks very grown up, but he's not. It's got to be difficult for him to live in this state of upheaval.

 

If you will allow your place to be the safe place, where he need not divide loyalties, he will be your son still....and in his heart, he always will be.

[933KJL]

BRAVO!

 

(nothing else to say)

[jonybgood]

To all, thank you. To tidy up a couple of things that have come up. Yes I have an appointment w/ an attorney, but it will be difficult. Do you know that New York State is easier on sex offenders than any other state. Wont get into politics right now though. The state government just takes quite a stand on convicted felons rights. He has to register his address forever, but since he did all of his time there is no parole or probation. He can go where he wants, with who he wants, when he wants.

 

His status is no different from yours or mine. Nice huh? (Except of course he likes little boys) Until he commits another crime he is considered a risk, not a threat. I'm disgusted. Sorry that was a little rant. Plus since he still maintains his residence not at my wife's place - he just "stores" his things there and sleeps there, he is not living there so there may be no perceived threat at that location. The only person who will testify that he spends all of his time there is my stepson. ( my wife says he doesn't spend much time there at all, but she is lying) I am close with his biological father and he removed him from her house today. Although it was non-confrontational. Just said he could come stay a week with him before school started. So I am glad the pressure will be off him for a few days anyway. And I would never try to involve him in any discussion about his mother, he does try to talk to me and I give him advise like no matter what you have to show her respect - but if you disagree with something that is OK too, as long as there is respect while doing it. That is very hard for him right now..

 

Well all that you have said is happening, so It just reminds me that I must stay my course no matter what, thank you all again

[933KJL]

Get involved as well---let it settle down and then lobby the hell out of Albany. Here in MD, there was a sexual predator that moved into the area, and reported his address like the law requires, but apparently the state did not make the proper notifications to the police dept nor did they update the website and the police actually went door to door in the neighborhoods near his and handed out flyers with his photo explaining that he was a predator and had been released from jail in TX and was now living amongst them.

[Mr.positive]

The most important thing is to get your kids out of there fast!!!!!!

[New_Wife]

JBGood,

 

I'll tell you a story that ended differently. Once upon a time, a little girl was a huge pawn in a ridiculous custody battle between 2 young and stupid parents. The father only wanted to cause troubles for the young mother. The mother was living with a pedophile who beat her from time to time ("Only when he was drinking"). The mother didn't know that said boyfriend was also having sex with the little girl when she was working. The school counselor knew something was wrong though. Dedicated school counselor even put in her report that child didn't like it when XXXXX came into the bathroom when she was in the tub and touched her.

 

Now, here's the fun part. Father was so intent on hurting mother, that he paid no mind to daughter's acutal problems. He coached daughter on what to say in court. All the wrong accusations, mind you. He did not read counselor's report, because counselor stated that both parents were unstable for child, so he never submitted it to court. Neither did mother. Court found no reason to change custody, and in a fit of anger, father dropped completely out of child's life.

 

Child was molested by this man from age 8-12. Mother never knew, father was gone.

**************************************

 

Ask me again if you are doing the right thing.

 

 

I wish you had been my father.

[clandestinidad]

NewWife, what happened to you was absolutely horrible...I'm having a hard time keeping myself from crying right now....I really feel for you, and on the other hand I'm so proud of you that you became the wonderful caring person that you are.

 

I really believe that we experience different things in our lives (some people seem to deal with a lot more than other people unfortunately) so that we can come through them and help others....this is a perfect example of that. Its such a similar situation....almost exactly the same, really.....and both of you (this father and yourself) just happen to be on LS. I hope that through your experience, you are able to change the lives of these innocent children by telling this dad what could/will happen if he doesnt do something about it.

 

I admire you, newwife, for the person that you've become.

 

and jonybgood, I hope that you will continue the fight and prevent this from happening to your children

[quankanne]

hang in there JBG, and stick to your convictions. You know this is something separate from what is going on between you and your wife, and because it involves the kids, THEY come first just like you feel they do.

 

NY might be easier on sex felons, but that doesn't mean you cannot keep the local police department abreast of what is going on, especially since you've got your kids (all three of them) best interest at heart. (also find out who the guy's parole officer is, and voice your concerns about hiim being around your minor children.)

 

Keep a journal of where they go, who they are with and for how long -- it may come in handy at some point. Contact your local Parents Anonymous group and ask if they offer "stranger danger" training, or check with a school counselor, even the kids' pediatrician to see who offers counselling for kids, someone who can teach them how to be on the alert for "good touches" like hugs, and "bad touches." Also, talk to your kids about people doing things to them, then asking them to keep it a secret using bribes or threats. There are resources out there to help -- even look into contacting the local women's shelter or crisis hotline to see what they advise on helping your kids. It's much better to be overprepared and not use what you've learned, than the other way around.

 

I admire the heck out of you for loving your kids so much you are going out of your way to protect them from potential harm. We're here for you, JBG, and you'll be in my prayers.

 

quank

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by quankanne

Keep a journal of where they go, who they are with and for how long -- it may come in handy at some point. Contact your local Parents Anonymous group and ask if they offer "stranger danger" training, or check with a school counselor, even the kids' pediatrician to see who offers counselling for kids, someone who can teach them how to be on the alert for "good touches" like hugs, and "bad touches." Also, talk to your kids about people doing things to them, then asking them to keep it a secret using bribes or threats. There are resources out there to help -- even look into contacting the local women's shelter or crisis hotline to see what they advise on helping your kids. It's much better to be overprepared and not use what you've learned, than the other way around.

 

I'm in agreement with Quankanne. These are some terrific active ideas in handling your current predicament. Training the kids to deal with 'stranger-danger' and sexual harrassment is important for every parent, but in a situation like yours...it's a MUST. It's unfortunate, but necessary.

 

And to New_Wife. Wow. What a moving post. There's NOTHING that equals the testimony of someone who has really been there.

 

Jony had expressed concern earlier, wondering if he was doing the right thing. I don't know how anyone could read your post and have a doubt left in regards to the importance of protecting the children. Good on ya.

[jonybgood]

if i had been your father i would have protected you with my life. If you want to talk more pm me.

[New_Wife]

I believe that you will do just that JBG. That's why you've got my full E-support. (Not the same as live & in person, but easier to drop the guard and spill the history that way too, no?)

 

My story is a lifetime ago, and for the most part I'm over it now. It only rears it's ugly head when my little ones hit 8 (last one to do it will be next month) or if my mother asks to babysit them. I love my mother, but I will not leave my children alone with her when she is dating or even so much as has a man over. She thinks I'm unforgiving. I don't think I am. I think I'm just unwilling to risk so much as a hangnail on my children & her judgement hasn't improved all that much over the years when it comes to men.

 

And in the end, I don't really care as much what she thinks of me, as that my kids get through life as unscathed as I can manage.

 

But Kat's right. If any time I can ever help another child avoid that. My child, a relative, stranger on the net, any child - I'll spill my guts in a heartbeat. If even one child can be safe because I air some dirty laundry - well then some good came of it, right?

 

So thanks for your PM offer, but I don't actually want to dwell on it - just use as needed if/when needed to support. Unless you need to ask me questions for your own situation, then - anytime.

 

As to the rest of you, pretend you never read this and just continue to treat me like the nutcase I've shown myself to be.

[jonybgood]

Thank you all, you have been an inspiration for me. Newwife especially thank you for sharing what I know was a very hard thing to share and I am sincerely glad that you do not let this thing rule your world. You have made me all the more determined to stay the course on this one.

 

A word to the positive - My wife and I have had three very open a meaningful conversations over the past two days. I don't know if I am being an ostrich by sticking my head in the sand, and I know she has lied to me several times but she may not be as involved with this guy as she said. She does say though that he has complete access to her and her house. whatever...that is not the issue. The amazing thing is that I called her up and told her basically everything I knew about this guy. I even talked to the prosecuting attorney and court employees who were in the courtroom with this guy. They gave me alot of unofficial informnation about him. And I think I got through to my wife. She actually said you know I only want to see them at your(my) house with you around until I can get him out of my life. She says she did not know how bad he was, and that he had talked to her and told her different things and she thought that he was coming clean and being honest with her.

 

She agreed to grant me full custody without a fight, and told me she would have acted the same way in my shoes. Maybe aliens havent abducted her complete brain after all. I'm not getting too exited yet though, you never know when someone who is acting out of character is going to do something radical. At this point I will just take what I can get and be there for her if she falls too hard.

[quankanne]

She says she did not know how bad he was, and that he had talked to her and told her different things and she thought that he was coming clean and being honest with her.

 

from what I understand, the craftier sexual predators are the ones with a fine, upstanding public persona, one who cultivates the trust of children and adults alike, which completely throughs people off. One of our Catholic schools dealt with someone like that about two years ago, a well-loved male teacher on an elementary campus. When he got busted, parents couldn't believe that Nice Mr. Teacher, whom the kids all loved, was a pedophile! So, it does really surprise me that the guy she's seeing is recreating his past to suit his needs.

 

when it comes time, get it on paper that she agrees to see the kids without the pervert and in approved places. It might be a pain in the butt, but it will give BOTH of you peace of mind about your kids' safety.

 

I'm glad you two were able to have such an open conversation about what's going on ...

[amberlily]

Originally posted by jonybgood

She agreed to grant me full custody without a fight, and told me she would have acted the same way in my shoes.

 

This strikes me as very odd. What kind of mother would just be willing to up and grant full custody of her children to her (ex) husband - when instead, all she has to do is get this predator out of her life? Why would she be so willing to do something so serious and permanent? Why is she strangely so "willing" to do this? Is she just looking for a reason to give up her kids/responsibility and have "fun"? Strikes me as bizarre, considering not too long ago she was trying to get her son (your stepson) to lie for her about the predator-dude. Sorry but I think she's blowing smoke here, being too agreeable - maybe so you'll let your guard down?

 

Guess I just can't imagine a Mom being so willing to give up full custody of her children.

[Barby]

This has been a truly "wow" post. At first I wondered if this was an upset scorned spouse who was looking to "vent" and feel justified in throwing accusations at the man who stole his wife. NOW WAIT before you jump my case okay?

 

The more I read, the responses, ect....I got the feeling that the post may actually be valid.... With that said, ANY parent, both Mother or Father have the right and the absolute OBLIGATION to keep their children safe.... I cringe at the thought of a mother who could allow a KNOWN child abuser to be in the same home as her children. OMG

 

 

If indeed she is being honest and is willing to give you custody -vs- getting this sicko out of her life ASAP and fighting her ass off for her children then she doesn't honestly deserve to be a part of their lives...what kind of role model is she???

 

 

It seems odd to me that such an emotional situation and such a serious situation could be wrapped up in such a short time period... That makes me think that..........

 

1- She is up to something, trying to get your guard down (as mentioned above) to pull something.

 

2- She wants out of her role as "Mother" and wants to be free and is really selfish or crazy or something.

 

3- This post isn't real.

 

I honestly can't say (none of us can) but if indeed it's all valid...rock on Daddy-O- protecting your children is honestly one of the most important jobs a parent has!!

[New_Wife]

I suspect it's very real. I knew of a father whose wife had molested his 14 year old son. The son told the mother, who was ready to engage in a full-on custody battle at any cost. The father then, seemingly out of the blue, relinquished custody. Weirdest thing! Turns out, the wife ran a daycare (scary huh?) that he'd sunk his life savings into. If the mother had pressed it, the daycare would've closed and he'd have been out his investment. So basically, he sold his son. You'd be amazed what shltty parents exist out there.