How do I deal with this situation with ex?

[bechrisal]

So to give you a little bit of background here. my social anxiety and constant daydreaming started to occur because of experiences in middle school. I don’t want to say i was bullied or anything like that, but at the same time I didn’t quite feel accepted in most cases and it felt like I had to to force myself into situations at times.

 

So going into high school, I never lived to be my true self. I was always thinking of what others thought of me. How I looked from their perspective. How I dressed, how I acted, how I reacted to certain things, and it all depended on who I was with at the time. If you saw me from the outside, you possibly make a case that I had some sort of personality disorder. I could never make decisions for myself. I would always make them based on what I thought how others would make them. I would daydream about others who I thought were better than everything I do and do it like they would.

 

But daydreaming and this constant anxiety that lived in my brain 24/7 resulted in a lot of unnecessary cases of drama. And because of the fact that I was living in my head and not in my body, or in my heart, I could not understand or feel the damage I had been doing. Because of that no emotion feeling, it was hard for me to make connections with people because of the CONSTANT worrying of trying to live up to be like whoever influenced me. I could never live in the moment, because EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY was a daydream or just thoughts racing, about people, and how I am supposed to live. I had no control of my life. I let other people dictate my life and my actions.

 

That being said I want to say this started my junior year of high school. Around the final I’d say month and a half I’d recieved a direct message from this boy on Instagram. Lets call him “Rob”. It was his first wave of contact to me. And one I would later on wish I had appreciated more. He was a sophomore, I was a junior. We began texting often and often, and it then turned into flirting but it was more of “cute” squishy type flirting opposed to “hot” and like sexy type flirting. Thats how I was, I had never been a kinky guy. Anyways not the point. We were flirting and we began to hit it off. Granted it was hard for us hang out or ever meet up because he wasn’t really out or neither was I. So it was difficult for us to ever meet in person the rest of that school year. We met once on the last day of school that year and talked briefly, it was kind of awkward not gonna lie. You know, just meeting up behind the girls locker room before first period, you don’t really go in with that romantic mood, or SUPER excited feelings.

 

Anyways, so now I go into summer. Were still texting each other pretty much all day and everyday, and I cant remember ALL the details but he began to tell me that he might’ve been losing feelings for me at the moment and just wanted a break. He was in choir and they were going on this week and a half long trip to NYC. So we decided that he needed this trip for himself, so therefore we decided to break communication for his trip and would get back in touch afterwards. Well a few days had past after he got back snd I was still waiting for him to get back to me. If i remember correctly, I had decided to reach out to him, but he didn’t seem all that interested. Eventually I had gotten kind of frustrated that I felt like I was putting alot of my heart and thoughts into him and got little effort back. I over dramtically ended things by calling him kind of “forcing” myself to cry at the same time basically saying “We can’t be together, I’m sorry.”

 

So a month and a half had past and during that span I would still check up on him, whether that’d be just checking his twitter and imstsgram what have you. But finally when I was thinking that I should just get over he texted me one night saying “hey”. At that point , we both wanted to try again, but we agreed to take it slow and just be friends for now. We were OK with jt. So, I was on an All Male dance team for my school and at the time, we were getting ready for the upcoming year with a week long camp. I was telling “Rob” all about it and all the new guys who joined us as well. I mentioned one of the incoming freshman who joined us, and “Rob” just out of curiosity, did the classic instagram stalking to see who he was, and boy was that a mistake. REMEMBER, at this time, me and “Rob” weren’t fully commited to each other JUST YET. Anyways, he had began to develop a small crush on to this new guy. Well, that small crush began to develop into an even BIGGER crush. I would question it sometimes and “Rob” would say its just a crush.

 

He would try to talk the new kid via DM on Instagram, but you can tell the new kid’s only interest was to being friends and had no intention of being in a realtionship. I would know because “Rob” would send me screenshots of the conversations he’d have with the new kid. Also, I would talk to the new kid about it. New kid knew that I had liked “Rob”, but out of trust, I would ask, “What did je say?”. Looking back I realize how wrong I was to do that. It’s his buisiness, I should’ve never opened my mouth about it. But what’s been done has been done. Anyways, he would always respond with such a non caring attitude about “Rob”. So after a little bit I think that when “Rob” had realized that new kid wasn’t the least interested, he wanted to start a relationship with me. And we both admitted our love for each other. Even though it was still hard for us hanging out everyday, we found ways to meet each other. We’d play footsies in class. We went to watch a show one time with some friends and we held hands in a dark theatre. I’d pick him up late after school and would take him home. We’d talk in the car, and kiss, and those moments would make me so happy. A moment I’ll never forget, a day actually was when our AP Enviromental Science went to the zoo for a day and we’d find moments where no one could see us and hold hands for a few seconds, or I’d hold him in my arms for a little bit. Then on the bus ride home he fell asleep resting his head on my shoulder holding his hand it was a great way to cap off an amazing day.

 

Fast forward to December. We’d only been together for about a month and a half. Seriously. I kid you not. But, he texted me saying he had lost feelings for me and thought we shouldn’t be together. Well, from what I remember, I didn’t take it all to well. Remember in the beginning when I was telling you about my thought process during high school? Well this is where it began to take its toll.About a week and half later, I had a new boyfriend. Lets call him “Billy”. I had a friend, who had told me about “Billy” before and how like “Oh he needs a guy” and stuff like that. So kind of out of nowhere as if it. was some random good idea that’s popped up in my head, I asked my friend. “Hey do you have “Billy’s” number?” . He gave it to me. I texted him that night. It was Christmas night. The next day I decided to go out with him and some some of his friends. We were at the drive inn and sitting in the back of his friends car, while his other 2 amigos sat in the front. We’d really been messing around the whole time and started to get feely touchy with each other, and ended up cuddling and kissing the first time we meant. See how messed up in the head I am? Anyways, getting back from

Xmas break to go back to school, I found out “Rob” had found out about “Billy”. He was heartbroken, angered, sad, and rightfully so. He must’ve felt cheated. Granted I know he was the one who called it off, but it still hurt him. Why?... Anyways, come February, and I ended up going to midwinter with “Billy”. “Rob” had developed another crush for another guy. But they never went anywhere. I started to not feel right about “Billy”. It was weird,my chest would hurt just thinking about our relationship. I broke up with him.

 

FLASHBACK: Before I’d even knew about “Rob” there was a guy who I had chased months for and send me through an emotional rollercoaster. Lets call him “Steve”. Really went through thr same things I did woth “Rob” prior to the break i gave myself before eventually running into “Rob”.

 

Anyways, while I was with “Billy” Steve had ALSO been bothered that I had a boyfriend.I remember one night while I was still with “Billy”, “Steve” sent me a super long text about how he had messed up and realized how much I was his only one and was sorry. He knew he couldn’t do anything about me and “Billy” being together. Though, the peer pressure got to me. I had let these little things that “Steve” was doing get to me. THEN, I proceeded to break up with “Billy”. However, my mind really didn’t analyze what was happening at the time and I told “Rob” about the break up. We’d agreed to try again, but me being incompetent at the time and again just letting my head get to me, I cut it off about a week after we started talking again and I then proceeded to get into a relationship with “Steve”. Well, Steve was in choir as well, and I’d go in the choir room with him at lunch to hang out and cuddle and stuff. I was scared to do it in front of “Rob” when he was there. Its not like I had a desire to cuddle him back or anything, I just didn’t want to let him down. Again, falling to that peer pressure. At this point I had put myself in a horrendous position. I could feel myself not wanting to be with “Steve” about a month and a half down the road. But during those last two weeks, I was talking to “Rob” again. And we wanted to try again. Soon after we were together again, I asked him to prom. The limo ride was fun, though prom itself was pretty boring. But again, unecessary drama ensued. Well one, “Billy” was there which at the time made me

super uncomfortable because I felt like it was his way of checking up on me (Billy had already been one year at a high school). He had friends there that were still going but still... made me uneasy. THEN, “Steve” was there and he had forced me to promise him prior to prom to atleast take a pic with him before prom ended. That way it was something he could look back on and remember as a good thing. The only thing is that when I told “Rob” about the situation, he wasn’t happy about it. So I didn’t take the picture that “Steve” wanted. I felt bad at the time but now that I think about it, I shouldn’t have.

 

The limo ride home was nice, “Rob” is like the little spoon in our relationship but because I went to prom on a crutch, it was me who was leaning my head on his lap for the ride home. It was nice. We went to TGIF, and when he had to leave, I walked him out. I couldn’t kiss him because his mom was there. He had come out to her already, the only reason he was able to go to prom with me, but she didn’t know that we had been dating at the time.

 

Fast forward to mid June. I had graduated by now. My sick mind had taken over again. I had a lustful fetish for this guy “Jake”. I let it get to my head. FOR SOME REASON, I believed and convinced myselft that I wanted to br with “Jake” instead of Rob. This is the mistake that ruined me for good. I left “Rob” only to ne with “Jake” a week later. This crushed him. I blew it. He hated me at this point. Atleast it seemed that way. “Jake” and I were together for about 3 months but halfway through I started to think about “Rob” again. We talked for a little while I was with “Jake”. I made “Jake” aware of it and told him that I still wanted to be friends with “Rob”. He knew I was still hurt about the results of “Rob” and I and started to become insecure about it. I had to tell “Rob” that we shouldn’t be friends at all because I felt as if I would somehow ruin things again with him if we tried anything. I cried that night. I couldn’t deal with all that insecurity and depression that “Jake” was dealing with, so I broke up with him. Notice a trend here? I’m never stopping and giving myself a break.

 

This is where I’d hit my lowest point. Desperation, depression, and just outright anger. I told “Rob” I had broken up wilth “Jake”. This time though, he finally stood pat. As hurt as he was, he did not want to be together with me anymore. I get it. I totally understand why and don’t question a single thing about it. This hit me hard. I BEGGED for us to please be together, to give me one more chance , and that I loved him even after everything that had happened in the past. My heart broke, I hadn’t felt like this in a long time. I wanted to punch a wall. Days following go by and my heart still hurts. I wrote him a handwritten letter, to apologize all I had done. I had a trusted friend deliver it to him at school. He called me a coward for making her do that. I felt ashamed. I also felt like I needed to move on. However, this is where I had an identity crisis. I began to dress different, act different, be a completely different person. That person I was trying to be was “Rob”. I had found someone new to talk to , who had the same traits as “Rob” did. Well that lasted 3 1/2 momths. During that time, I noticed “Rob” because of his tweets and stuff, noticing that I was trying to be like him. I’m sure he didn’t appreciate that.

 

When New year came around, “Rob” sent me a DM on twitter, saying basically saying he wanted to forget what happened in the past and get rid of any bitterness between us. I agreed. But this time we didn’t talk after that. Instead, we went about our lives. The time I had alone gave me a chance to do some self reflecting. I told myself I was done with relationships for now. I NEEDED to focus on myself. I began to do research on mental illness. I finally became aware of my thoughts, anxiety, and daydreaming, and realized that this ENTIRE time, it wasn’t normal. This time alone helped me alot. I’d learned to live in the moment I’d learned to do the things I want to do. I learned believe the things I wanted to believe. Came up with my own original ideas and opinions. I started to find myself. It was like a revelation. I was a new person. I was me,and no one else. I felt real emotion becauseI knew what I wanted and what meant the most to me in life. It was one of the best feelings in the world. I was happier, I content. I found God and began to pray. I made decisions for myself. Now I feel 10x more confident in anything I do.

 

I didn’t get a chance to hear from”Rob”again until I went to his graduation. While I had other friends graduating as well, he was the biggest reason why I went. I started to head down the grass fields towards the end of th ceremony because I knew it would get crowded. But I stopped at the fence, so I can hear his name and watch him get his diploma. The minute they called his name I was so happy for him. I felt proud. I couldn’t help but smile. I saw his short self walk up there and just remember how adorable he was in his cap and gown. I saw him afterwards, but was afraid to say hi. He might’ve been to but I dont know. Walking back to my car I was hoping to run into him. I didn’t. So when I got in my car, I decided to DM him on Instagram, and congragulate him. I told him I was proud. He said thanks and that he’s thankful that I had been apart of his life, that I had helped define the person he’d become. It was new and confident “Rob”. We went on with our lives.

 

One night I decided to DM him to check up on him and ask him how he was doing. He seemed off. He asked why i messaged him.

I told that it was just to check up on him. He said “sure”. Then said “Or is it to just hook up? ” (During my darkest time, I had asked one of his friends who at the time thought I could trust for a night of hookie) . Maybe he found about that. He proceeded to block me on Instagram and Twitter. It came out of nowhere to me. I thought we were on good terms. I thought we had put everything behind us.

 

Fast forward to today. I haven’t had any contact with him since then. He goes to the same community college as me now. I’ve been on dates with a few guys but really nothing comes up from them. I’ve put dating on hold and I’ve been single for the last 8 months, what I look at personally as a strong feat. Im 10x more confident. I have my own hobbies, beliefs, goals, agendas, etc. I have plan.

 

I see him walk around school sometimes. I want to look at him but I can’t. Im afraid to what his reaction would be. I dont want to

message him. Even though he blocked me, I have another twitter and IG account that I could Dm on. But that’s just innapropriate and stalkish. I’ll admit though, I walk the same route at the same times that I remember seeing him thinking that maybe I’ll run into him again. I know how to be my own person now and I feel like I can keep up with the demands that come with a relationship. This could be my last chance ever to seize this oppurtunity.

 

So that leads me to this question. Should I go for it? The next time I see him, should I just say hi? Or do I move on? Theres not a day that goes by that I dont think about him. To me, he’s the one I feel I want to grow with, learn with, and live with.

 

P.S If you reply to this and actually read this gramtically disastrous novel. You are one heck of a trooper and I love you for it. Thank You

[oldbutcurious]

Judging by your roller coaster ride, take it slow.

 

Anyway, I am ancient, so, that may be a factor. But if you can take it slow, maybe, ROb will notice you back.