Dating your good friend

[Noenoe]

Hey Loveshack,

 

I've known this girl for about 2 1/2- 3 years and we have been playing basketball, hanging out, and being friends for the whole time. I was in a 5 year relationship throughout the time I knew her and we broke up in June because she was unfaithful again (cheated on me multiple times, took her back like an idiot) so I learned my lesson.

 

So it's been about 3 months from then and now this friend and I have started a "thing" I guess if you call it? We text everyday, she's really cool and kind, this last weekend she took me to meet her best friends, and we are going on a date this weekend.

 

Lately I guess I have been uneasy about how to act because I feel like we might be in this flirty friendly limbo for a while. When we went out together she was touchy but we were also both drinking. Maybe I'm overthinking things I just don't want to handle this the wrong way and pressure her into a relationship.

 

All her friends like me and I've heard they are pressuring her to date me lol so I guess theres just a lot going on.

 

I feel like 3 months is long enough to at least talk to someone else maybe not date.. what do you guys think? Any advice on dating friends besides to be careful? Lol

[girlinNYC]

The longer you're in limbo the harder it will be to gauge where you both stand. If you like her enough to want to start a relationship it's worth having that conversation, otherwise you'll only live with regret. Life is too short, take your chances while you have them.

[Noenoe]

Hey,

 

So I haven't been on the dating scene in a while due to a long relationship ending a couple of months ago, so I'm trying not to screw this one up.

 

We have been talking about a month, taken her on a couple of dates, we text pretty much everyday, hang out multiple times a week because we both play basketball at the local gym, I've also known her and been her friend before this for almost three years. We hold hands, touch, flirt, and she always is down to see me and vice versa

 

Last night I walked her home, and we hugged, and she kissed me twice on the cheek and said I was cute, I feel like that was my moment for the first kiss and I blew it... any thoughts going forward on strategy or how to exactly approach that?

 

Two weeks ago she mentioned she wanted to go slow, so I think that contributed to me freezing up at the opportunity

[trailwolf]

i think ur right , you missed ur opportunity , But there will be another opportune time that will come up , just dont blow it next time !

[d0nnivain]

It's stupid but watch the scene from the movie Hitch when Will Smith's character is teaching Kevin James' character this very thing.

[Noenoe]

It's stupid but watch the scene from the movie Hitch when Will Smith's character is teaching Kevin James' character this very thing.

 

LOL I watched it. Thank you I'll try it out

[Noenoe]

Have been friends with this girl almost three years, we started talking about a month to two months ago, and got the kiss on a Friday night after we went out to her friends birthday dinner,

 

The kiss was like pretty intense making out for about 15 seconds and then that was it lol feel like we missed lips a couple times but anyways

 

Wanted to know what the next steps should be should I just play cool until she brings up being exclusive? Or ask her to be? Not sure how to go forward,

[smackie9]

Stop being a damn coward and make your intentions known. You like this girl? Then ask her out on a date and treat her nice. That's all it takes.

[d0nnivain]

Have been friends with this girl almost three years, we started talking about a month to two months ago, and got the kiss on a Friday night after we went out to her friends birthday dinner,

 

The kiss was like pretty intense making out for about 15 seconds and then that was it lol feel like we missed lips a couple times but anyways

 

Wanted to know what the next steps should be should I just play cool until she brings up being exclusive? Or ask her to be? Not sure how to go forward,

 

You don't go from friends to kissing to exclusive. There is a step in between: going on a date.

 

Ask her on a date. Talk to her. Save the exclusivity talks for a few dates in at least.

[JEG88]

As has been said, the worst thing you could do is fail to go for what you want. And that is by being hesitant, indirect and passive.

 

Ask her on a date and tell her you like her as more than a friend. From there who knows, but at least you'll take initiative.

[kassy]

Agree ask her on a date asap as she will likely be feeling a bit unsure of what's going on. Go for it.

[Noenoe]

Sorry guys forgot to mention we went on a official date (as in a asked her on a. Date) two weeks ago, before then, she took me to meet her friends, this last weekend went to her friends birthday dinner if that gives a better perspective of where I’m at. Totally forgot to put that in original description my bad. Also not a coward, I told this girl I liked her and asked her on a date already

[Noenoe]

You don't go from friends to kissing to exclusive. There is a step in between: going on a date.

 

Ask her on a date. Talk to her. Save the exclusivity talks for a few dates in at least.

 

I totally agree, we have a second daye scheduled for Tuesday, but good advice on waiting a couple dates in, guess I’m in a weird spot cause she introduced me to all her best friends and stuff and we act like we’re dating

[kassy]

My current boyfriend asked me to be exclusive on our 6th date, 2nd time he stayed over. We only dated sober so it's a bit unusual. But it felt about right. We clearly had only been seeing each other and we clearly smitten so I would say wait a bit longer until you feel there is genuinely something there on both sides. Sounds promising though.

[d0nnivain]

I totally agree, we have a second daye scheduled for Tuesday, but good advice on waiting a couple dates in, guess I’m in a weird spot cause she introduced me to all her best friends and stuff and we act like we’re dating

 

You are dating. Going on dates is the definition of dating.

 

What you don't know yet, by words, is whether you are officially in a relationship and if you are exclusive.

 

Actions speak louder then words but exclusivity requires words. In this day & age you kind of have to assume you might not be exclusive until the words are spoken. Here, I don't think she's dating anybody else but I'd still wait at least 1 month for that talk or have it before you have sex.

[Noenoe]

You are dating. Going on dates is the definition of dating.

 

What you don't know yet, by words, is whether you are officially in a relationship and if you are exclusive.

 

Actions speak louder then words but exclusivity requires words. In this day & age you kind of have to assume you might not be exclusive until the words are spoken. Here, I don't think she's dating anybody else but I'd still wait at least 1 month for that talk or have it before you have sex.

 

Thanks d0nnivain! Yeah I don’t think she is either and I’m only talking to her but will wait longer before bringing it up

[Noenoe]

Pretty blindsided by this.

 

We’ve been friends for a while (3 years) and until recently I was in a relationship most of that time, I did have attraction for her and so did she (later admitted but I could tell) but never acted on it out of respect for my relationship boundaries. So my girlfriend cheated on me in June and we broke up, shortly after we told eachother how we felt about eachother and she said I needed more time to process my breakup before we started anything.

 

So fast forward to the last month and a half, we went on three dates, the most recent being this last Wednesday (I paid for all of them), She took me to meet her best friends, she invited me to go with her to her friends birthday party, we held hands, kissed on cheek and neck, and were touchy/flirty almost all the time we were together, it had gotten to a point where our mutual friends just assumed we were dating and I felt that way too. She told me I was handsome and she liked me, I felt the same and this last weekend we kissed/made out for the first time and it was awesome.

 

So after our date Wednesday, I thought I should ask her how she felt about us cause we were kind of progressing into that dating phase where it’s like I don’t wanna see anyone but her and I don’t want anybody seeing her, so I ask and she says “Well how do you feel?”, I say “I like you a lot, I love spending time with you and I want to date you eventually I don’t wanna put pressure on you though I just wanted to know what we are going towards”

 

Then things went south when she tried to explain all the reasons we shouldn’t be together such as “it’s hard to see me as more than a friend and break out of that mode”, “I didn’t see myself in a relationship at this point in her life (thinking of moving/graduating with MBA this weekend)” and that “she doesn’t wanna lead me on or hurt me” but she still wants to “spend time with me, play basketball, and talk”. I was pretty hurt but I tried to just act like I was cool about it cause I value our friendship.

 

She used to text me goodmorning just about everyday, haven’t heard from her since then. What did I do wrong? I felt like all the signs of her wanting me were there, I feel like i’ve Been broken up with so I been down last couple days...

[Cookiesandough]

There's this thing. When something is out of reach sometimes we entertain the possibilities because we can't have it. Forbidden fruit. But when it becomes available, things get real.

 

She's just not interested. Proceed to lick wounds and move on to interested chick.

 

 

Maybe try to k close earlier if chemistry is there

Edited October 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[coolheadal]

There's this thing. When something is out of reach sometimes we entertain the possibilities because we can't have it. Forbidden fruit. But when it becomes available, things get real.

 

She's just not interested. Proceed to lick wounds and move on to interested chick.

 

 

Maybe try to k close earlier if chemistry is there

 

I have to agree with cookie on this one, isn't she so smart! But I might add What you had with her is gone, after then cheat they're not the same person ever again. What you end up with what your seeing today. Forget the Gn, Gm all those nice things we men would like to see on our SMS cell text. Women forget how to type that text. She cheated on you why would you ever trust a woman that did that to you. They will always cheat. She's not loyal doesn't morals or family values she's doing whatever she pleases. So your in the friend-zone. Next time listen to her and why you can't be together. Listen you don't want to listen that's why your in this odd situation. With a woman that lost interest in you so her excuse is cheat and place you in a friend-zone so you doesn't look so mean. What do you get out of all of this hogwash nothing!

[Highndry]

Call yourself Casper the Ghost and disappear from her life. Seriously. When she goes cold, you turn to ice. There is no other way.

[Noenoe]

Already posted but edited because some details were unclear. Pretty blindsided by this.

 

We’ve been friends for a while with, we’ll call her Jay, (3 years) and I was in a relationship with another girl most of that time so nothing ever happened, I did have attraction for her and so did she but never acted on it out of respect for my relationship boundaries. So my ex cheated on me in June and we broke up, shortly after that I told Jay how Ifelt about her and she said she felt the same, but I needed more time to process my breakup before we started anything.

 

So fast forward to the last month and a half, we went on three dates, the most recent being this last Wednesday (I paid for all of them), She took me to meet her best friends, she invited me to go with her to her friends birthday party, we held hands, kissed on cheek and neck, and were touchy/flirty almost all the time we were together, it had gotten to a point where our mutual friends just assumed we were dating and I felt that way too. She told me I was handsome and she liked me, I felt the same and this last weekend we kissed/made out for the first time and it was awesome.

 

So after our date Wednesday, I thought I should ask her how she felt about us cause we were kind of progressing into that dating phase where it’s like I don’t wanna see anyone but her and I don’t want anybody seeing her, so I ask and she says “Well how do you feel?”, I say “I like you a lot, I love spending time with you and I want to date you eventually I don’t wanna put pressure on you though I just wanted to know what we are going towards”

 

Then things went south when she tried to explain all the reasons we shouldn’t be together such as “it’s hard to see me as more than a friend and break out of that mode”, “I didn’t see myself in a relationship at this point in her life (thinking of moving/graduating with MBA this weekend)” and that “she doesn’t wanna lead me on or hurt me” but she still wants to “spend time with me, play basketball, and talk”. I was pretty hurt but I tried to just act like I was cool about it cause I value our friendship.

 

She used to text me goodmorning just about everyday, haven’t heard from her since then this past wednesday. What did I do wrong? I felt like all the signs of her wanting me were there, I feel like i’ve Been broken up with so I been down last couple days.. she graduates today, not sure if I should text her congrats still

[Cookiesandough]

Shes?Not?Interesred?

 

I'm sorry. Find someone who is. You're newly single. It's a big world out there

[act00]

You said you went out on three dates, yet you're not really dating, everyone thinks you're dating, telling you/her you should date, and when you asked her how she feels, you couch this in a question of you'd think you'd like to date her eventually. What is it you're doing? Are you dating or not? Honestly, three months isn't that long after a breakup and a big blow with your ex cheating on you, and you say you're ready, but I can't see that you are, if this relationship with this friend of yours is dating but not dating but maybe dating some day.

 

I think part of this situation is being scared to lose a friend, and now, since you've been affectionate and you've kissed, you've moved out of the friend zone and you can't go back. I suspect that she's trying to process this loss. Boundary crossed. You can't unring this bell. I suppose you could hang in there a little longer and allow her to process what's happening...hopefully she'll want to move forward. Maybe she won't, but going back to friendship is not going to work, so there's just going to be a loss either way.

 

I think Cookie nailed a component on what's going on...the grass is always greener, forbidden fruit. You're all that and a bag of chips, and then when the opportunity is there to make you hers and hers alone, it's just not there...you're not what she wants, she's not interested after all, she's not ready.

 

It hurts, and I'm sorry. You just have to accept it's not going to be a thing and move on, and you've lost a buddy as well...sorry.

[Noenoe]

You are dating. Going on dates is the definition of dating.

 

What you don't know yet, by words, is whether you are officially in a relationship and if you are exclusive.

 

Actions speak louder then words but exclusivity requires words. In this day & age you kind of have to assume you might not be exclusive until the words are spoken. Here, I don't think she's dating anybody else but I'd still wait at least 1 month for that talk or have it before you have sex.

 

You said you went out on three dates, yet you're not really dating, everyone thinks you're dating, telling you/her you should date, and when you asked her how she feels, you couch this in a question of you'd think you'd like to date her eventually. What is it you're doing? Are you dating or not? Honestly, three months isn't that long after a breakup and a big blow with your ex cheating on you, and you say you're ready, but I can't see that you are, if this relationship with this friend of yours is dating but not dating but maybe dating some day.

 

I think part of this situation is being scared to lose a friend, and now, since you've been affectionate and you've kissed, you've moved out of the friend zone and you can't go back. I suspect that she's trying to process this loss. Boundary crossed. You can't unring this bell. I suppose you could hang in there a little longer and allow her to process what's happening...hopefully she'll want to move forward. Maybe she won't, but going back to friendship is not going to work, so there's just going to be a loss either way.

 

I think Cookie nailed a component on what's going on...the grass is always greener, forbidden fruit. You're all that and a bag of chips, and then when the opportunity is there to make you hers and hers alone, it's just not there...you're not what she wants, she's not interested after all, she's not ready.

 

It hurts, and I'm sorry. You just have to accept it's not going to be a thing and move on, and you've lost a buddy as well...sorry.

 

Yeah I threw in eventually because I knew she was sensitive to my last breakup and wanted to go slowly so didn’t wanna pressure her even though i was down to date her then. But yeah I think that’s why I’m taking it so hard because I feel like it’s my fault I ruined our friendship over trying to make this thing work and it seemed like it was progressing and then just got too real for it

[Noenoe]

So I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago, 3 months ago started talking to this girl that I had been friends with for a while, we were taking it slow just going on dates every now and then, did nothing more than making out one time, but regardless I really like her so I asked her “what are we” around aoctober, she basically said she didn’t want a relationship right now so we didn’t tak two weeks cause I was kinda upset, I think she felt bad,

 

but anyways so last week, messed up and had sex with my ex. Felt ****ty afterwards, it was emotionless, we didn’t kiss, I didn’t finish, it just reminded me that what we had really was dead.

 

Me and the new girl still text/flirt/ since that two week break we took from seeing /talking to eachother but I’m not sure if I feel bad because I know I shouldn’t have done that with ex, or if I feel like I screwed up this new thing.

 

I feel over my ex because I don’t feel anything but then I turn around and do this, really disaapointed innmyself and wondering do I owe her a duty to tell her?