Dating your good friend

[Ieris]

@Noenoe ~ What is there to feel bad about? You're not in a relationship with the new girl, so there is no need to tell her.

[ExpatInItaly]

@Noenoe ~ What is there to feel bad about? You're not in a relationship with the new girl, so there is no need to tell her.

 

Agreed.

 

You don't owe the new girl an explanation, given that you two are not together and likely won't become a couple.

[snowboy91]

Agree with the others. You and the new girl are not exclusive, so you have no obligation to tell her.

 

If you two do start dating (and it's doubtful since she's not interested) you could bring it up but there isn't a need.

[KBarletta]

No need to share w/ the new woman. You are not in a relationship, and I feel like sharing this information would be more awkward than anything else, and you might be detrimental to the possibility of the two of you getting together at some point down the road.

 

Do you want a relationship with the new woman?

[kendahke]

I don't think so.

 

She told you she didn't want a relationship with you--that means you are free to do as you like.

 

She can't have it both ways.

[Gaeta]

No, it's ridiculous to think you owe her anything. This is your private life and keep it private. If there is a little flame for you inside her that could be revived later you'd be killing it for good.

[smackie9]

You owe the new girl nothing. She doesn't want a relationship, you can smash anyone you like. I suspect she is smashing others, so don't sweat it. You both are not obligated to be faithful to each other.....hell no.

[Noenoe]

Yes I do want a new relationship with this new girl eventually, just distance and some other factors are playing a part in keeping us in this "situationship" where we both like eachother/ wanna be together but we aren't

[Noenoe]

So me and this girl have been talking on and off since September so around 3 or so months. We have been friends for about 2 1/2 almost 3 years as well if that matters. We always had this connection but I was in a relationship until recently (June/July) so we never acted on it and remained friendly.

 

I'm 23 years old and she's 25, and we both graduated from UC Berkeley so thats how we met eachother. But anyways so things were progressing and I was meeting her friends/ we made out a couple times (nothing sexual)/ texted and talked/hung out very frequently. I asked her if we were gonna get serious in October and she thought it was too soon after my breakup and wanted to wait longer so we remained flirty/friendly in this "situationship".

 

I got a (temp) job offer for a couple months in Arizona (Tempe), and figured that I needed to go and take opportunity to start my career and make some money/name for myself. Unfortunately this made her really upset, even though she completely understood my decision.

 

Before I left we were talking and parting ways and she said that she "liked me alot and wants to be with me" I told her I feel the same, and that the times gonna fly by and we talked about visiting and stuff.

 

I'm just confused about, are we in a relationship now? Should I bring it up in our next conversation? We never really said "okay lets be in a relationship", or "What are we doing then?" Those words were just said and not really elaborated on.. I know I'm super young so I also get that if your advice is just to remain single but this girl is really cool and down to Earth. I dont really have a desire to just sleep around.

 

Play it cool and just ride it out with no set commitment? or do what my heart wants

[LivingWaterPlease]

Is this the same girl you spoke of in your other thread who told you she didn't want a relationship right now?

[smackie9]

Yes I do want a new relationship with this new girl eventually, just distance and some other factors are playing a part in keeping us in this "situationship" where we both like eachother/ wanna be together but we aren't

You said she isn't in having a relationship "right now". This should never be taken as a promise or a possibility. Don't be surprised when she announces she has met someone and is dating them. We have seen this on the forum many times.

 

Keep your options open.

[mortensorchid]

She doesn't sound like she wants a relationship at the moment (from you that is). If this is the same person from the thread the OP is talking about, then no it's not going to happen.

[alphamale]

concentrate on your career for now, there is plenty of time for chicks later on...

[KBarletta]

Yes I do want a new relationship with this new girl eventually, just distance and some other factors are playing a part in keeping us in this "situationship" where we both like eachother/ wanna be together but we aren't

 

Funny I am in the same boat, and since my "friend" and I have been dancing around the idea of a relationship, I've slept with another woman and never told her about it. I didn't think it was her business as we weren't together as a couple. So I would apply the same rule to you.

[Purepony]

Yeah she sounds like a project either just be upfront and tell her hey you going to do something make a move or I’m out of here

[BarbedFenceRider]

23...Too young. Get that career going. Make yourself secure and solid. Plenty of women that will be serious later.

[William]

Members, moderation merged three threads on what appears to be the same interpersonal interaction so please read back prior to responding to the most current material and accept our apologies for any duplicate content as we sometimes miss these as they develop. Thanks and please continue!

[Noenoe]

Is this the same girl you spoke of in your other thread who told you she didn't want a relationship right now?

 

Yeah same girl, she said no before because she thought 3 months wasn’t long enough between relationships to start a new one cause I had just broken up with ex, now it’s been 5 almost 6 months and our last conversation before I left was that “she liked me and wants to be with me”

 

That’s why I’m confused

[smackie9]

People lie to pacify.

 

 

I hope you have learned some things from this.

[Noenoe]

People lie to pacify.

 

 

I hope you have learned some things from this.

 

For sure. so Smackie9 you think I should just go on and leave it be/not bring it up?? She calls pretty often since I have left, and talks about missing me/ wanting to come visit soon

[trustyourself]

For sure. so Smackie9 you think I should just go on and leave it be/not bring it up?? She calls pretty often since I have left, and talks about missing me/ wanting to come visit soon

 

She said she wants to be with you. That's a good sign.

 

She wants to come visit? Then plan it. Set a weekend for her to come down. Have a great weekend and see where it goes from there! If you want it to happen, don't force it, but you need to build the foundation for it to happen if it is going to.

 

If the weekend is a success, and it gets romantic. Awesome! Then after she heads back home, bring up the idea of you coming to visit her and see if she is receptive.

 

Don't force anything, and go with the flow.

[Cam1]

Hey Loveshack,

 

I've known this girl for about 2 1/2- 3 years and we have been playing basketball, hanging out, and being friends for the whole time. I was in a 5 year relationship throughout the time I knew her and we broke up in June because she was unfaithful again (cheated on me multiple times, took her back like an idiot) so I learned my lesson.

 

So it's been about 3 months from then and now this friend and I have started a "thing" I guess if you call it? We text everyday, she's really cool and kind, this last weekend she took me to meet her best friends, and we are going on a date this weekend.

 

Lately I guess I have been uneasy about how to act because I feel like we might be in this flirty friendly limbo for a while. When we went out together she was touchy but we were also both drinking. Maybe I'm overthinking things I just don't want to handle this the wrong way and pressure her into a relationship.

 

All her friends like me and I've heard they are pressuring her to date me lol so I guess theres just a lot going on.

 

I feel like 3 months is long enough to at least talk to someone else maybe not date.. what do you guys think? Any advice on dating friends besides to be careful? Lol

 

Depends--do you want to lose one of your best friends when it ends? If so, this is a perfect recipe! I will NEVER date someone i'm good friends with again, EVER. Because when things end, you get a 2 for 1 special--you lose not only your partner, but also one of your best friends, all at the same time!

Sorry to be the cynic here OP but I did this, and I don't recommend it.

[carhill]

OTOH, pining away romantically for a friend who's either oblivious or not interested can be tortuous. Unless able to resolve the attraction to a neutral state independent of the friendship, IMO go for it and if the whole deal goes sideways that usually will kill the emotional attraction/bond/whatever. Sure it's possible the friendship will die and if it does it was meant to in the real light of day. Stuffing down romantic or sexual attraction at the altar of friendship does a disservice to both parties IMO, especially if there are no encumbrances like committed R's or M's in the picture. YMMV.

[kendahke]

Yeah same girl, she said no before because she thought 3 months wasn’t long enough between relationships to start a new one cause I had just broken up with ex, now it’s been 5 almost 6 months and our last conversation before I left was that “she liked me and wants to be with me”

 

That’s why I’m confused

 

Clear up that confusion.

 

Tell her "it's been 6 months now and I'm ready to move forward with you in this, to be your boyfriend and not keep that bit of information to ourselves." If she balks, then you have to be ready on the spot to scale this all the way back and keep on smashing with your ex til someone who's ready to be who/what you need appears. If she can't give you a date on when she'll be ready, then she's never going to be ready. She will string you along for another 2 years and use you to keep from being alone. Certainly do not hang with her til Valentine's day (in fact, go scarce before Christmas) because the day after, she will put you down. I've read too many times on forums how this tactic totally back fires.

Edited December 8, 2017 by kendahke

[carhill]

use you to keep from being alone.

 

OP, pay attention to this insight. Not uncommon. Can't know for sure with this person since I can't read her mind but I have heard in the past from MW's there's H, one solid backup and at least a few orbiters. I've been one of those orbiters many times, especially as a young man with a 'good' female friend. They'll tease up the gooshy male/female stuff just enough to keep the fire simmering. No skin off their nose. I came to actually admire the dexterity with which they handled men. Pros. Wouldn't want to be married to one though. Brutal.