Relationship anxiety

[orioles1744]

So me and my fiancé have been together for years now. 3 months after we started dating she cheated on me I decided I really love her and would forgive her for what she had done. She came out and told me what had happened I didn’t find out from someone else or find out on my own.

 

I’ve always had Very bad anxiety and it bothers be worse some days than others. It has been 3 years now since she cheated on me and things are going good, we had some bumps in the road because it was very hard for me to get over what she did and trust her again especially with anxiety. I would question her all the time but want her to go out I would always look over her shoulder it was just a very bad place that we were at.

 

Since then things have been better but I still get high anxiety sometimes. She gets upset if I asks questions sometimes because she feels like I don’t trust her and it upsets her. We are getting married in September 2018 and spending $18,000 on a wedding. She recently told me she heard the guy she cheated on me with got a divorce and that she wanted me to know because she didn’t want to hide it or me find out and think she’s doing anything wrong.

 

She asked if she could go out with a girl she works with and another friend tonight and I told her I didn’t care just don’t be out to late. When she goes out with the girls she always dresses nice and it bothers me sometimes and gives me anxiety. Is it normal for girls to dress up when they go out and how can I stop this anxiety that I’ve had my entire life about girls cheating on me?

 

It’s a horrible demon but I really want to go away. Any advice would greatly help

Edited September 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tribble]

Yes, it's completely normal to dress up nice to go out, in a relationship or not, with your partner or not. It does not mean she is out looking to cheat. My concern with your post is that she asked you for permission to go out. Do you require she ask permission whenever she goes out? What if you'd said no?

 

It's been 3 years and you decided to forgive. But it is causing you great anxiety. While understandable, this can't be a good relationship for you or her. She's essentially being punished for a mistake she made and you can't let it go.

 

My advise is to talk to someone about your issues, a therapist or similar. If you can't move past this, you shouldn't marry. As it is, you should postpone the wedding until you have both resolved this problem and you are comfortable.

[d0nnivain]

Don't get married. If you cancel now you can get a lot of your money back.

 

Bottom line -- you don't trust your FI. Without trust you have no foundation for a life together.

 

It's perfectly normal for people to dress up when they go out. Women actually dress for each other, not so much men because men don't notice the little details.

 

Your FI made a mistake 3 years ago which you SAY you forgave her for. But you haven't. You are still punishing her. You still don't trust her. To make up for her she has been incredibly transparent, yet you still don't trust her.

 

You need to postpone this wedding. You need IC to figure out why you have such crippling anxiety. You two also need a lot of pre-marital counseling so you can improve communication & you can learn to trust again. If you get married without doing the work I outlined this may be a very short marriage & a waste of $18,000

[orioles1744]

She doesn’t have to ask for permission it was more less asking if we had any plans because she wanted to go out. I trust her and things are great. I’ve always had anxiety since I was a kid and have always worried about stuff and over analyze things that don’t mean anything. I guess I should have worded it better. Just tired of anxiety and want to get over it.

[Chilli]

So you don't have to ask permission if you wanna go out with the boys either then right, just make sure that parts even because it becomes big sh@t later on because it rarely is,

 

But nah, l wouldn't get married yet either and l'd def' hang onto that 18k for now.

Money doesn't buyeth a long marriage and l dunno , you guys just don't sound right to go.

[Gaeta]

It amazes me how many people suffering from anxiety pick to date cheaters. It's like willingly eating a little bit of arsenic each day.

 

When you suffer from anxiety you date women that are trustworthy to a fault and that would never give you reasons to doubt them.

 

Cancel that wedding and move on to a better suited partner or be ready to a life of doubt and anxiety.

[ayoung73]

Several things, if you haven’t gone to counseling, couples or single sessions, you should. The anxiety or suspicion created by an affair never truly goes away, in fact, it’s been almost ten years for me and she’s going out of town on business. I know everyone there except one man and quite frankly, I’m jealous. These episodes don’t last very long and I’m usually good by the next day and are triggered by my mood. But what helps me the most are the coping mechanisms I learned through counseling and self-discovery. Also, you have to decide one way or another to trust or not…it can’t be half in because it will cause strife, but she has to know it just doesn’t go away, maybe for the lucky few, but it still hasn’t completely gone away for me. Therapy will help with your anxiety and coping, and she’ll be able to learn how to appreciate the impact of broken trust. Think of it this way, the trust was broken for you, for her she can still trust you…does that make sense? I will pray for you both, it’s hard and I wish you didn’t have to experience something like this.