Lorenza Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 Would you get hurt/offended if your friend told you you're not that beautiful? One of my male friends have recently made a comment like this: "Well, the fact that there's so many younger and more beautiful women in the world definitely doesn't work to your advantage. Be less picky." He was commenting on my choice to stop dating a guy I've been dating recently because of various reasons I gave him. I know friends should be honest with each other, but this hurt me so much. Maybe the fact the it was comment from a guy added to it since he can estimate female beauty more accurately. He has made hints I'm just average before too. Otherwise he does say good things about my talents and helps me out in need. We sometimes jam together. If feel like I want to cut him out of my life. Or am I overreacting and should accept his opinion (though I wasn't even asking if he finds me beautiful since it's not really something you ask a male friend)? Link to post Share on other sites
Cersei Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 The first thing to come to mind when reading this was that perhaps the friend it trying to knock you down a notch. Do you perhaps come off as over confident in regards your beauty? Sometimes insults come in hidden form. At times people like to hurt others due to their own insecurities. Take the comment with a grain of salt and move past it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 (edited) At face value, it's a hurtful thing to say. But I can't help but wonder if he's putting you in your place. Could it be that he sees you as being overly choosy about who you will date? Do you judge by height or facial structure? Do you then grumble when you can't find a partner? If you're not sharing your dating escapades with him, then he should have kept his mouth closed. But if you involve him in it all, then perhaps he's got a point. Edited September 30, 2017 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 The first thing to come to mind when reading this was that perhaps the friend it trying to knock you down a notch. Do you perhaps come off as over confident in regards your beauty? Sometimes insults come in hidden form. At times people like to hurt others due to their own insecurities. Take the comment with a grain of salt and move past it. Most often I lack confidence about my appearance and I often talk about one particular flaw that brings me down a lot. I have also talked about it with him and he has even given advice on how to feel better about it. It's about some scarring on my face. But then once I asked him to take a video of me playing an instrument and out of nowhere he said my scarring looks worse in that light which made me very self- conscious about how I'll look in the video. So I really don't understand why he needs to make these comments, since I'm already on the lower side of self-esteem... There are better days of course, when I'm more positive or confident, but there's no reason to need to knock me down Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 At face value, it's a hurtful thing to say. But I can't help but wonder if he's putting you in your place. Could it be that he sees you as being overly choosy about who you will date? Do you judge by height or facial structure? Do you then grumble when you can't find a partner? If you're not sharing your dating escapades with him, then he should have kept his mouth closed. But if you involve him in it all, then perhaps he's got a point. We do share some details about dating. But I haven't stopped dating this particular guy because of his appearance, au contraire I have mentioned that I find him handsome. And it's not really the thing I prioritize (well except for height, but I'm really tall myself so I usually prefer guys on the taller side. My friend is also tall so I don't think he can take personal offence). The thing is he loves hot women. He always talks how he'd have a problem dating one woman for too long because there's just so many others he'd feel attracted to. He also emphasizes that his girlfriend will have to younger. We even got into an argument about this, cause he was sounding as if women older than 25 are done for. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 The thing is he loves hot women. He always talks how he'd have a problem dating one woman for too long because there's just so many others he'd feel attracted to. He also emphasizes that his girlfriend will have to younger. We even got into an argument about this, cause he was sounding as if women older than 25 are done for. OK chose your friends more carefully. By putting you down it probably makes him feel better. He maybe takes pleasure out of pointing out your flaws. "The over 25s are done for" maybe is a dig at you or maybe women in general. He seems to hold some resentment against you. Have you ever dated him or have you just kept him in your orbit? Is it possible he has feelings for you? Also it is fine for some men to spout off about "hot" younger women, but how successful is he at attracting those women? If you are getting dates and turning them down and he is struggling to attract or keep women then he is going to get frustrated and annoyed... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 OK chose your friends more carefully. By putting you down it probably makes him feel better. He maybe takes pleasure out of pointing out your flaws. "The over 25s are done for" maybe is a dig at you or maybe women in general. He seems to hold some resentment against you. Have you ever dated him or have you just kept him in your orbit? Is it possible he has feelings for you? Also it is fine for some men to spout off about "hot" younger women, but how successful is he at attracting those women? If you are getting dates and turning them down and he is struggling to attract or keep women then he is going to get frustrated and annoyed... He doesn't have a problem attracting women and I've seen random women flirting with him. I'd say he's attractive to many, but not my type and I'm definitely not his. We connected through a music Meetup and started jamming together once in a while. Our music styles match and we can have quite interesting conversations. We never dated but there were a slight possibility when we chatted before the very first Meetup (it was an event someone else organized). Just hints of flirting. But after we met it shifted to friendship quite naturally. I frankly don't understand what his problem is. Might be he has some issues because while getting attention from females is very easy for him, I've never seen him actively dating someone. And I know for a fact his latest relationship ended by his ex's request. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 So I really don't understand why he needs to make these comments, since I'm already on the lower side of self-esteem... To make himself feel better of course at your expense. Honestly friends aren't supposed to be this kind of mean to one another. They are supposed to build each other up during the down times in life, low self esteem being a time in your life when he should be saying kind things to you rather than mean things. Maybe rethink your friendship and the amount of time you spend with him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
MyOphelia Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I've dated people like this who felt it necessary to tear me down and tell me my faults. He even suggested "You should go to a plastic surgeon and ask them what you need done." Now, this guy ended up dumping me and married my mother (while we were still "together" but that's another story). There simply are men out there who want nothing less than perfection and being around them does nothing but hurts women. I know we all need friends and we all appreciate honesty but I still think friends can be honest about our "faults' without doing so in painful, negative and hurtful ways. I'd expand my circle of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I've dated people like this who felt it necessary to tear me down and tell me my faults. He even suggested "You should go to a plastic surgeon and ask them what you need done." Now, this guy ended up dumping me and married my mother (while we were still "together" but that's another story). There simply are men out there who want nothing less than perfection and being around them does nothing but hurts women. I know we all need friends and we all appreciate honesty but I still think friends can be honest about our "faults' without doing so in painful, negative and hurtful ways. I'd expand my circle of friends. Yeah, I guess so!! OP, this guy sounds like a jerk. I'm 44 and I doubt I'd be offended if someone said to me "younger and more beautiful" because, well that's definitely true lol. I'd be hurt if someone just said "more beautiful" though. Not sure if that makes sense. But, it does sound like he's a super big fat jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Maybe the guy is just being honest. I like my friends to be honest with me even when it hurts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 Maybe the guy is just being honest. I like my friends to be honest with me even when it hurts. Do you feel the need to tell your friends they're not beautiful even if it's your honest opinion? And without them asking what you think about the appearance? Cause not once have I asked him about how he finds me 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MyOphelia Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I can appreciate honesty, but there are also such things as dignity and tact, and being considerate of your friend's feelings. I know I'm not gorgeous and don't need someone to tell me, but there's really no need to grind that in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 To make himself feel better of course at your expense. Honestly friends aren't supposed to be this kind of mean to one another. They are supposed to build each other up during the down times in life, low self esteem being a time in your life when he should be saying kind things to you rather than mean things. Maybe rethink your friendship and the amount of time you spend with him. I'd never tell a friend anything negative about his or her appearance, because honestly my friends are all beautiful to me in their own ways... I have never heard any of them telling me anything negative and we're always assuring each other. This guy is the second person in my life to ever say anything like that to me (first being an ex) and I'm definitely gonna rethink keeping in contact with him... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Maybe he's trying to get you to date HIM. He knows you go after better looking guys, so he wants you to think you're not that hot so you'll like him. Some guys are real friends but probably more are wishing you'd sleep with or fall for them. If this is not the case, then he's just being blunt. He may see you going for guys he feels are better looking than you and then never being happy about it. But I think it's more likely he wants a shot at you and to do that he feels he has to make you feel less beautiful -- and yes, that is worth dumping him over. I don't think you'd probably regret dumping him whatever the reason. He's discounting women like heifers at auction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted September 30, 2017 Author Share Posted September 30, 2017 Yeah, I guess so!! OP, this guy sounds like a jerk. I'm 44 and I doubt I'd be offended if someone said to me "younger and more beautiful" because, well that's definitely true lol. I'd be hurt if someone just said "more beautiful" though. Not sure if that makes sense. But, it does sound like he's a super big fat jerk! It does make sense. I'm also aware that gorgeous women exist in this world, that's a fact of life and I even admire beauty - it's like looking at flowers or art. And sometimes it's hard to avoid having that nagging little voice inside - "oh, why wasn't I born that breathtakingly beautiful" since we're our own worse critics. But friends are people who can make us forget about such things cause they're with us for something beyond exterior beauty. That's why I feel so hurt - not only because it an unnecessary blow to my [fluctuating] self-esteem, but also because he shouldn't care. We create some beautiful music on our sessions. I don't even think about how he looks :/ Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 :lmao: This dude is my favorite type to mock. If I were you, I'd get him crying with my next comments. I mean I don't like to be offensive to people but if we have started the topic anyway... My friends are aware I'm pretty good in spotting not so nice details about people. Now seriously - why would you care? Your confidence i your looks, talents etc should come from within. Beauty as anything else can be measured: do you fit measurable standards? Yes - then you're beautiful. No? You can still be for some people. But I think you know you're a 'Yes' by societal standards, right? Would you get hurt/offended if your friend told you you're not that beautiful? One of my male friends have recently made a comment like this: "Well, the fact that there's so many younger and more beautiful women in the world definitely doesn't work to your advantage. Be less picky." He was commenting on my choice to stop dating a guy I've been dating recently because of various reasons I gave him. I know friends should be honest with each other, but this hurt me so much. Maybe the fact the it was comment from a guy added to it since he can estimate female beauty more accurately. He has made hints I'm just average before too. Otherwise he does say good things about my talents and helps me out in need. We sometimes jam together. If feel like I want to cut him out of my life. Or am I overreacting and should accept his opinion (though I wasn't even asking if he finds me beautiful since it's not really something you ask a male friend)? Link to post Share on other sites
MyOphelia Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Everyone has their own ideal of beauty as well. There may be some versions of conventional beauty that pretty much most people agree on. But what makes them so rare and outstanding is because,....it's rare and outstanding. Most people just don't have that capability. Most people who love us, like us, care for us, will find beauty within. And while someone doesn't need to lie and say "you're so beautiful" they can comment on "your beautiful eyes" or "hands" or "soul" or "spirit" or "mouth" or whatever. Very few people are this total package of perfection. In fact, perfection is overrated and boring because with enough money people can purchase plastic surgery to achieve that Mattel look. What your "friend" did is rude and is being hidden through what's called "word games" under the falsehood of "I'm only telling the truth" so you can't be mad at me type of crap. It's unnecessary. No one needs "friends" like that around who go out of their way to say something hurtful to you. Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect that he had a thing for you and it was unrequited on your end so now he's taking little pot shots here and there. He can **** off. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 I asked him straight up what his deal is and why he's commenting on my looks. Added that I don't appreciate it. The message was read yesterday, but no answer Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Do you feel the need to tell your friends they're not beautiful even if it's your honest opinion? And without them asking what you think about the appearance? Cause not once have I asked him about how he finds me His comment wasn't just about your beauty. He was basically telling you that you're aiming above your league. Look at the whole picture here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I'd never tell a friend anything negative about his or her appearance, because honestly my friends are all beautiful to me in their own ways... I have never heard any of them telling me anything negative and we're always assuring each other. That's just girly blah blah blah feel good bollocks. Most of us aren't beautiful. Aesthetically, most of us are degrees of average. Yeah, sure we can look good with the right clothes and makeup, but in the mornings in our natural state, we're all very ordinary. Now, if you can see beauty in average, then good for you. But it's foolish to think that everyone thinks we look like supermodels at all times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 His comment wasn't just about your beauty. He was basically telling you that you're aiming above your league. Look at the whole picture here. I'm not aiming above my league, basil67. As I already explained. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 That's just girly blah blah blah feel good bollocks. Most of us aren't beautiful. Aesthetically, most of us are degrees of average. Yeah, sure we can look good with the right clothes and makeup, but in the mornings in our natural state, we're all very ordinary. Now, if you can see beauty in average, then good for you. But it's foolish to think that everyone thinks we look like supermodels at all times. I don't understand your point here. What is the point in telling someone, who doesn't ask, that they're average. Are you so worried that your friends think too good of themselves? Did you read anything that I wrote on this thread, for example that I'm already beating myself down because of some flaws and my "friend" knows that, or that I don't date eye candies? Cause it feels like you didn't read any of that. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I don't understand your point here. What is the point in telling someone, who doesn't ask, that they're average. Are you so worried that your friends think too good of themselves? Did you read anything that I wrote on this thread, for example that I'm already beating myself down because of some flaws and my "friend" knows that, or that I don't date eye candies? Cause it feels like you didn't read any of that. The point in telling someone that they are average could be about bringing them back down to earth if they are being too picky and not happy with the dates they are getting. Yeah, I get that you're tall and only tall guys. But if you judge by appearances, why can you not be judged by appearances in return? What goes around comes around. Link to post Share on other sites
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