When xMM moves on to another OW

[jah526]

Wow, I feel like all the stars have aligned today. Looks like the girl I was worried about is dating someone. MM is posting nice things to his wife. Feels like all is right with the world again. I'm alone again, naturally, but that's really not anything new. I'm happy for this girl that she didn't fall for MM. And I'm honestly happy for MM if he's working on his marriage.

 

I'm not really sure how to feel about this in relation to how I'm going to deal with MM going forward. I've avoided him almost completely for several months now. I do feel a bit bad about things. I misjudged this girl, I think, mainly. I do believe he would've gone there if she'd been ok with it, and I think he was trying. I still believe I can't be friends with him, unfortunately, because he'll just try to restart things.

 

I guess once in awhile you find out good things on SM. I feel a bit more free of this obsession today.

[deadsoul]

Not really free... free would be indifference to it all. It should not matter who he is with. I get it, I do, but you are aiming for indifference.

 

Don't let this steer you from the course. You are free and he is a predator. He is not the right person for you. Be strong.

[jah526]

Not really free... free would be indifference to it all.

 

I agree, but I think I'm slowly getting there. For whatever reason, I just didn't want him to move on to her. Probably because I knew her and I knew he wanted her, and he kind of waved that in front of my face. Now, whoever he moves on to, it won't be someone he was triangulating me with. So it feels like a bit of relief.

 

I plan to maintain my distance as much as possible. It's been working pretty well so far.

[jah526]

Not really free... free would be indifference to it all. It should not matter who he is with. I get it, I do, but you are aiming for indifference.

 

Don't let this steer you from the course. You are free and he is a predator. He is not the right person for you. Be strong.

 

Thanks for this deadsoul. You are right, I am not at indifference. I am still very much obsessed. I am still checking FB all the time, whenever I get triggered (like today). That doesn't happen too much on weekends, but during weekdays I really struggle with it. I was apparently wrong about this girl dating someone. And I still have a feeling something is going on.

 

I talked with someone tonight who said I get little pieces of information and my mind fills in the blanks with a story. He was right. I started to write this and then said "it should be so easy - just delete the accounts".

 

And then I knew I had to bite the bullet and do it. I've requested permanent deletion of my accounts. Both my "normal" one and the one I was using to keep tabs.

 

I feel like a fraud for dispensing advice to others, when I haven't been doing all I can do to stay away either. Apologies for that.

 

I hope I survive this. The person I talked to reminded me that no matter how terrible I feel, imagine what his wife is going through. I feel for her. I would never want to be married to someone like him.

[Ahurtgirl]

Depending on his wife, she might not care about his cheating. My exMM wife actually found it exciting to win back her husband and having a man that OW want was a good thing in her eyes. She obviously realized who her husband is and is okay with sharing him. He contacted me recently and shared with me that he is in another relationship with another woman. I realized I have no feelings for him and his wife is enjoying their marriage. I felt the same way you did at one time but honestly, give it a year or so, and it won't even matter. He won't even cross your mind unless he contacts you and then you'll see the person he really is and kick yourself for ever falling for his crap.

[jah526]

Depending on his wife, she might not care about his cheating. My exMM wife actually found it exciting to win back her husband and having a man that OW want was a good thing in her eyes. She obviously realized who her husband is and is okay with sharing him. He contacted me recently and shared with me that he is in another relationship with another woman. I realized I have no feelings for him and his wife is enjoying their marriage. I felt the same way you did at one time but honestly, give it a year or so, and it won't even matter. He won't even cross your mind unless he contacts you and then you'll see the person he really is and kick yourself for ever falling for his crap.

 

I don't think this is the case with him. He comes from a very male-dominated society and so does his wife. He told me she was never going to find out. She may suspect (or not) but I think she is powerless to say or do anything.

 

He can't contact me. I had him delete my contact info. He's either on to the next one, or searching.

[stillafool]

Well if his wife never knows she won't be hurt and if she does find out she is not powerless to do something as she too has options, especially if she is married to him. This guy is probably still seeing that girl or hunting for another one.

[jah526]

I think he's really angry with me. I've crossed paths with him a few times in the last few weeks, and have gotten a few hard, angry glares. I'm not sure how many times I've broken NC, maybe 5 times, so I think he expected I'd do it again. I haven't.

 

On Friday I left work laughing and joking with a male (single) coworker, and MM was right behind us. I saw him going to the elevator where a pretty girl was standing, going right up to talk to her. And I felt... nothing. Actually, I smiled a little to myself, thinking the leopard doesn't change his spots.

 

Anyway, I was kind of glad he saw me with someone else, because he spent so long trying to tear down my self-esteem. It was a little triumph to know that he saw that someone likes me for me.

[SoleMate]

I would suggest jealousy of the new OW (who either exists now or will soon) isn't needed. YES, it is possibly true that MM will "treat her better" - which means he will have learned from his experience with you and will do a better job keeping the new OW hooked and compliant for a longer period than he did with you. That's actually a worse fate in my view. The longer one is stuck in a distressing go-nowhere affair with a lying MM, the worse off one is. IMO. Hopefully this realization brings some comfort.

Edited November 5, 2017 by SoleMate
typo

[deadsoul]

I think he's really angry with me. I've crossed paths with him a few times in the last few weeks, and have gotten a few hard, angry glares. I'm not sure how many times I've broken NC, maybe 5 times, so I think he expected I'd do it again. I haven't.

 

On Friday I left work laughing and joking with a male (single) coworker, and MM was right behind us. I saw him going to the elevator where a pretty girl was standing, going right up to talk to her. And I felt... nothing. Actually, I smiled a little to myself, thinking the leopard doesn't change his spots.

 

Anyway, I was kind of glad he saw me with someone else, because he spent so long trying to tear down my self-esteem. It was a little triumph to know that he saw that someone likes me for me.

 

Don't let any of that matter... whether he's mad at you, whether he's flirting with someone else, or even whether he is jealous you are talking to someone else.

 

Did you stop looking at social media?

 

Your focus is YOU. YOU only. Becoming strong for you. Getting your dignity for you. Stay the course so you can heal.

 

I know it's easier said than done.

[jah526]

Don't let any of that matter... whether he's mad at you, whether he's flirting with someone else, or even whether he is jealous you are talking to someone else.

 

Did you stop looking at social media?

 

Your focus is YOU. YOU only. Becoming strong for you. Getting your dignity for you. Stay the course so you can heal.

 

I know it's easier said than done.

 

Hi deadsoul,

 

I was actually thinking of you when I posted earlier. I was thinking about what you said about indifference, even as I was writing. I get what you're saying, but I actually think a dose of fear where he's concerned is ok. The fact that he can so easily switch between his personas is scary to me.

 

It's going to be a slow process I think. But I feel like I am making progress. The FB thing is still a bit of a problem. Happens when I get triggered. I can go for days now without looking. I keep requesting deletions of that account, and I figure if I can make it two weeks, then the account will be deleted and I'll be done with it. TBH, I feel like I'm getting bored with it.

 

I'm also trying to find another job in a place where I have friends and/or family. I think that will help tremendously.

 

Hope you're doing ok.

[BourneWicked]

A new job would be huge if you could swing it... end of day, that's really what I need to get past this too, but it would be such a huge upset for me. Still... if you can do it, I think that would just bury all these feelings for good.

 

So glad that you had a run-in and felt good about it. Yeah, it's a process getting to a place of "I don't care" but it sounds like you're doing quite well

 

I know MM did some things that made you feel like you were done and no turning back. In addition to that, I've found it helpful to read lists about "he's just not that into you." Although an A is a little different when it comes to showing interest, some of the same ideas apply. Not that "I'm not attractive and he's not into me" for me it's a "hey you, it's not some fabulous, tragic, beauty and the boardroom beast style love story... he's just not that into you!" One of my favorite lines from this internet scrolling was along the lines of "if he struggles to make time for you, he's just not that into you. Only rockstars and celebrities should have that hard of a time fitting you into their schedule." Yeah... he struggles to make time for me because he has an entire family and job that require his attention more than I do.

 

Anyway, just what's been helping me lately. Glad that you're doing okay.

 

Another thought - which might not be an issue for you, but - I have a history of getting involved in my relationships physically, fast. I've resolved NOT to repeat this if I ever have the opportunity to date again. So, if you are dating, although they say "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" I would strongly encourage to take your time, or risk the horror of a rebound.

 

Just what's on my mind. Sounds like you're getting to an okay place. take care!

Edited November 6, 2017 by BourneWicked

[jah526]

Another thought - which might not be an issue for you, but - I have a history of getting involved in my relationships physically, fast. I've resolved NOT to repeat this if I ever have the opportunity to date again. So, if you are dating, although they say "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" I would strongly encourage to take your time, or risk the horror of a rebound.

 

Yeah, that has been an issue for me too in the past. A couple of the guys were pretty aggressive (like this one). I'm definitely never going to put myself in a situation where I'm alone with a married man again, no matter how seemingly friendly he might be. Even with single guys, this whole experience has taught me that I need to be a LOT more cautious, and get to really know someone first.

 

Sounds like you are doing pretty well too Bourne!

[road]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how did you feel?

 

I know I did the right thing in ending it and going NC but knowing that he's going to move on or has moved on to someone else brings up a lot of feelings for me. Anxiety mainly. Jealousy, that the next one will be treated better. A sense of injustice, that he isn't getting what he deserves. A feeling of loss, maybe. Maybe I'm not over it yet and haven't quite gotten to the point where I think "good riddance and good luck to the next one".

 

How do you get beyond this?

 

Yeah, that has been an issue for me too in the past. A couple of the guys were pretty aggressive (like this one). I'm definitely never going to put myself in a situation where I'm alone with a married man again, no matter how seemingly friendly he might be. Even with single guys, this whole experience has taught me that I need to be a LOT more cautious, and get to really know someone first.

 

Sounds like you are doing pretty well too Bourne!

 

I just read the first post and the last three.

 

I think by now you have learned that if they will cheat

with you they will cheat on you.

 

Though, more important OM will act nice and say only the

right things because if they said I want to use you how many

women would still put out for them?

[jah526]

I just read the first post and the last three.

 

I think by now you have learned that if they will cheat

with you they will cheat on you.

 

Though, more important OM will act nice and say only the

right things because if they said I want to use you how many

women would still put out for them?

 

That's the tough bit, isn't it? Because we all want to believe we're unique and special, and there must be something about us that made him choose us.

 

But now I realize it's not any positive attributes that made him choose me. It's the fact that I was available and showed an interest in him. And that's it.

 

I can kind of understand it in an abstract way but to be honest, my brain doesn't work that way, so I don't think I'll ever truly understand it. It just seems so cold and predatory.

[BourneWicked]

Good reminders there Jah... I struggle with the same thing. Yeah, we have something special and shared a real connection (Just like everyone else here. Blah, blah, blah) but end of the day, I responded to a touch that I should have said "no thank you" to, just like I would with any other man - and /especially/ any other coworker. If I hadn't let myself be available, I wouldn't be a headcase about this whole mess now.

 

Quite possibly, there was something special about you to him other than your seeming availability. But it's just one drop in the ocean of things that don't matter when the other person is married.

[rumblefish12]

Quite possibly, there was something special about you to him other than your seeming availability. But it's just one drop in the ocean of things that don't matter when the other person is married.

 

Or both married. That's so true. And it is those few drops that follow me around in NC, those things that don't matter at all in the context of that A being antithetical to everything else in my life. That's why I come here to be reminded of that. The head/heart get into fantasy realm even after months of NC. Thank you (once again) for bringing me back to earth.

[ladydesigner]

That's the tough bit, isn't it? Because we all want to believe we're unique and special, and there must be something about us that made him choose us.

 

But now I realize it's not any positive attributes that made him choose me. It's the fact that I was available and showed an interest in him. And that's it.

 

I can kind of understand it in an abstract way but to be honest, my brain doesn't work that way, so I don't think I'll ever truly understand it. It just seems so cold and predatory.

 

The MM who groom their OW are cold and predatory

[BourneWicked]

Or both married. That's so true. And it is those few drops that follow me around in NC, those things that don't matter at all in the context of that A being antithetical to everything else in my life. That's why I come here to be reminded of that. The head/heart get into fantasy realm even after months of NC. Thank you (once again) for bringing me back to earth.

 

Glad it helps! I'm more dispensing the koolaid than I am drinking it, as I'm still in a sketchy (but better) place of LC. But being honest about the situation plants me more squarely in reality than when I let myself get all caught up in memories of beautiful lies.

[jah526]

Quite possibly, there was something special about you to him other than your seeming availability. But it's just one drop in the ocean of things that don't matter when the other person is married.

 

He did say that once, that he was attracted to a lot of women, but there was something different about me. I don’t know if that was the truth or not, because at the end my head melted (ha) and I came to the realization I couldn’t trust anything he said.

 

I guess there was something about me though because he was quite narcissistic and I am codependent so we fit in a very toxic way. Even now if he were to make an effort I don’t think I’d be strong enough to resist. So I know I have to stay as far away as I can.

[FortyandForlorn]

So I haven’t been on this site in forever. I’m married, one kid, and ended an EA with a married coworker (same company different offices). It’s been hard and we maintained LC. Well recently he started hanging out with a new MW. I have never felt so much jealousy or sadness before. So a few weeks ago I told him that it’s hard seeing them (they walk right past my office window) and that it brings up old memories and I’m trying to move on. He seemed touched by that, but it only lasted about a couple of days. He’s now consistently having his breaks with her RIGHT OUTSIDE THE MY OFFICE. So now I’m just angry. And he’s officially pretending like we never knew each other. So it’s been NC for about 3 weeks. What hurts the most is realizing that he never wanted a proper friendship. And once I became less available, he found someone to stroke his ego. I’m working on my self esteem and trying to not take it all so personally.

 

But everything in me wants to go off on him and call him a psychopath. We work on a big campus - there is no reason for him to hang by my office. I don’t want I condone his behavior by pretending all is well. But I don’t want him to get off on my outburst either. What would you guys do?

[road]

So I haven’t been on this site in forever. I’m married, one kid, and ended an EA with a married coworker (same company different offices). It’s been hard and we maintained LC. Well recently he started hanging out with a new MW. I have never felt so much jealousy or sadness before. So a few weeks ago I told him that it’s hard seeing them (they walk right past my office window) and that it brings up old memories and I’m trying to move on. He seemed touched by that, but it only lasted about a couple of days. He’s now consistently having his breaks with her RIGHT OUTSIDE THE MY OFFICE. So now I’m just angry. And he’s officially pretending like we never knew each other. So it’s been NC for about 3 weeks. What hurts the most is realizing that he never wanted a proper friendship. And once I became less available, he found someone to stroke his ego. I’m working on my self esteem and trying to not take it all so personally.

 

But everything in me wants to go off on him and call him a psychopath. We work on a big campus - there is no reason for him to hang by my office. I don’t want I condone his behavior by pretending all is well. But I don’t want him to get off on my outburst either. What would you guys do?

 

Pull down the window shade.

 

Bigger problem is you think LC is the same as NC.

[FortyandForlorn]

Pull down the window shade.

 

Bigger problem is you think LC is the same as NC.

 

I know it’s not the same at all. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I’m finally doing NC and it’s hard and it feels like he won. He gets his ego stroked and doesn’t have to deal with the aftermath. And it feels like I’m complicit by not getting all angry and yelling at him.

 

And there is no shade.

[jah526]

OMG, never give a narcissist ammunition by telling him/her how you feel! Now he gets to revel in this new woman's attention and also in your jealousy. Double bang for the buck.

 

So what to do...

 

Maybe you could hang out in the doorway of your office with your phone on video?

 

Failing that...

 

I think actually grey rock is one of the better solutions for dealing with narcs/sociopaths. They get off on making you sad/angry/jealous/any feeling that puts the spotlight on them. I know it's tearing you up inside. I am dealing with 3 of them currently, and I am barely hanging on, but to them I am nothing but a grey rock. They will eventually get bored and move on. That's the theory anyway. Good luck.

[FortyandForlorn]

OMG, never give a narcissist ammunition by telling him/her how you feel! Now he gets to revel in this new woman's attention and also in your jealousy. Double bang for the buck.

 

So what to do...

 

Maybe you could hang out in the doorway of your office with your phone on video?

 

Failing that...

 

I think actually grey rock is one of the better solutions for dealing with narcs/sociopaths. They get off on making you sad/angry/jealous/any feeling that puts the spotlight on them. I know it's tearing you up inside. I am dealing with 3 of them currently, and I am barely hanging on, but to them I am nothing but a grey rock. They will eventually get bored and move on. That's the theory anyway. Good luck.

 

Yeah, i said that to him when l thought we were friends. Little did i know. Since properly going NC, I haven’t shown him that I’m upset or sad. When he does see me I’m usually on my phone, laughing about a conversation I’m having with someone. I am committing all my energy to remaining NC. Thanks for the advice about grey rock.