Still struggling...

[LightWave93]

Me again, lol!

 

Well, what can I say. I'm still struggling with women, by which I mean I have little to no success with them whatsoever. I've got my profiles set up on apps / dating sites YET AGAIN, and still no bites.

 

I feel lonely. I'm 24 at uni; opportunities to date should be rife, and I've never so much as had a drunken kiss at a club. I'm not ugly, I have passions, I'm hygienic, I keep myself physically active and busy with hobbies / work. No luck.

 

It's not as if I want to be a womanizer, but hell it would be nice to have some success. The occasional date, one eventually leading to an enjoyable evening or even better a fulfilling relationship. As it stands, I can't even get past the first hurdle, and no amount of advice or support or therapy seems to be able to help with that.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.

[preraph]

Ask a few of your closest male and female friends what you are doing to hold yourself back. It could be you're too fast or too slow or you have a ranty side that you let people see or you're too blunt or some personality issue like that. Find out by asking your friends to be honest. There's not one of my friends I wouldn't be able to point things out to if they asked and I thought they really wanted to know. Like one bites people's heads off, one is too tolerant of bad behavior, one is too pollyanna.

[spiderowl]

Do you ask women out on dates?

 

Do you get to know women as friends?

 

If you don't get to know them as friends first or ask women you don't know out on dates, then you won't get anywhere. There has to be some starting point. I am sure you are aware of this though. Where do you think you are going wrong?

[LightWave93]

Ask a few of your closest male and female friends what you are doing to hold yourself back. It could be you're too fast or too slow or you have a ranty side that you let people see or you're too blunt or some personality issue like that. Find out by asking your friends to be honest. There's not one of my friends I wouldn't be able to point things out to if they asked and I thought they really wanted to know. Like one bites people's heads off, one is too tolerant of bad behavior, one is too pollyanna.

 

For the past three years I have done this, as well as speaking to therapists and a dating coach. I'm not trying to defend myself here and it's the honest truth, but no one in real life has identified a reason. Not one.

 

I've also been to sites like Reddit /rateme and had my profiles critiqued on relevant subreddits for respective online dating sites/apps. Again, nothing but positive feedback all around.

 

I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm not a deadbeat elephant man hoping to get it on with the hottest women in town. 5'11, handsome face, works hard etc...my "credentials" aren't bad. Only thing presently is having my confidence knocked as a result of this.

 

Do you ask women out on dates?

 

Do you get to know women as friends?

 

If you don't get to know them as friends first or ask women you don't know out on dates, then you won't get anywhere. There has to be some starting point. I am sure you are aware of this though. Where do you think you are going wrong?

 

In truth, I've only just got back "into the game" as I've recently moved back into town to begin another year at university, but bear in mind this has been going on for three years now.

 

When the opportunity arises, yes I ask women out on dates. All rejections. The last woman I asked out (a few months ago) said she wasn't ready, so fair enough if true, but she found me quite attractive. Ironically, most of my friends are women, so it's not as if I can't interact with them nor are they repulsed by me (and no, I don't wish to date my female friends).

 

My social circle has shrunk over the last few months, but I'm getting back out there. I attended a social event last week and made an effort to introduce myself, and also approached the girl I found most beautiful and got talking to her. If I see her again, sure I'll make a move, but I'll be back here the next day probably informing you of another rejection.

 

Where am I going wrong? I honestly do not know. I mean, I literally get zero luck on dating apps, and yet I've had so many people critique my profile / appearance and tell me I stand out. I know it's hard for most men, but still. And in real life, I never get noticed.

[BaileyB]

I will say from experience... It will happen, when it's meant to happen.

 

You can be e nicest person, good looking, good job, nice family, great personality, etc... But, until you are lucky enough to meet that person... Nothing.

 

Keep living your life. Continue to develop your self confidence and your social skills. Have fun. Go out and meet people. Ask girls out.

 

And one day, you will be lucky enough to meet her... And, you will begin a wonderful new journey. Don't lose hope. You are still very young. You have no idea what life has in planned for your future...

[LightWave93]

I will say from experience... It will happen, when it's meant to happen.

 

You can be e nicest person, good looking, good job, nice family, great personality, etc... But, until you are lucky enough to meet that person... Nothing.

 

Keep living your life. Continue to develop your self confidence and your social skills. Have fun. Go out and meet people. Ask girls out.

 

And one day, you will be lucky enough to meet her... And, you will begin a wonderful new journey. Don't lose hope. You are still very young. You have no idea what life has in planned for your future...

 

Thing is, I want to go on dates and such. See what's out there. It's hard knowing people go out on dates regularly, sometimes not working out...sex...or a relationship, and knowing I cannot get any of those things.

[BaileyB]

Thing is, I want to go on dates and such. See what's out there. It's hard knowing people go out on dates regularly, sometimes not working out...sex...or a relationship, and knowing I cannot get any of those things.

 

You can and you will, all in good time, if you keep trying...

 

It's really hard when things don't happen, when YOU want them to happen. But, just because it's not happening right now, doesn't mean it will never happen.

 

When the opportunity presents itself, don't be afraid to take the risk.

[LightWave93]

You can and you will, all in good time, if you keep trying...

 

It's really hard when things don't happen, when YOU want them to happen. But, just because it's not happening right now, doesn't mean it will never happen.

 

When the opportunity presents itself, don't be afraid to take the risk.

 

I've been doing what I'm doing for over three years now. No dice. Self-improvement is a good endeavor, but for me it's not going to improve my dating life. I feel like nothing will.

[Cookiesandough]

This might be **** advice and I'm reaching, but I think you might need a niche. You might be attractive and all that, but too plain. Too average joe. Tell me if you feel me? A niche can make an average guy extremely attractive if done right. It seems that people are hard wired to stereotype and categorize people as a means of figuring out who they identify with and fits into their 'tribe'. So while there's nothing anyone can see wrong and you are an attractive guy, with no style or character you might seem a bit boring.

Edited October 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[LightWave93]

This might be **** advice and I'm reaching, but I think you might need a niche. You might be attractive and all that, but too plain. Too average joe. Tell me if you feel me? A niche can make an average guy extremely attractive if done right. It seems that people are hard wired to stereotype and categorize people as a means of figuring out who they identify with and fits into their 'tribe'. So while there's nothing anyone can see wrong and you are an attractive guy, with no style or character you might seem a bit boring.

 

All I can really do is show off my best self; I have a decent selection of pics and good bio (apparently), and no bites.

 

If I can't get my foot through the door, I can't show who I am to a fully extent.

[Cookiesandough]

All I can really do is show off my best self; I have a decent selection of pics and good bio (apparently), and no bites.

 

If I can't get my foot through the door, I can't show who I am to a fully extent.

 

Do you have a subculture you most identify with? Like nerd culture or anything? Are you academic type? Does your pic selection reflect that? For example, a girl and two guys who are adventurous and sporty would like to see a picture of the guy climbing a mountain or something. If she's into art she likes seeing arty pics. That kind of stuff.

 

The pics are really what's going to get your foot in the door with most women online dating. It's a shallow, competitive environment, particularly for men

[BaileyB]

I've been doing what I'm doing for over three years now. No dice. Self-improvement is a good endeavor, but for me it's not going to improve my dating life. I feel like nothing will.

 

I understand your frustration, but at the end of the day you have two choices...

 

Keep trying and hope that the right person comes along one day...

 

Or, take a break, give up and get used to the single life.

 

You are 24 years old - hardly too old to think that it will "never" happen for you... Trust me when I say, a nice, attractive guy with a good job, some self confidence, and a sense of humour will be very appealing to women - especially as you get older and the dating pool shrinks. There are always more single women than men... Your value in the dating market will continue to rise... Keep trying.

[normal person]

I'm 24 at uni; opportunities to date should be rife

 

Maybe this is part of your problem. A 24 year old still in school, trying to score with with 18-20 year olds could be kind of "creepy" looking. I'd wager women are bit turned off by this. When I was in school if there was someone your age who still hadn't graduated but insisted on hanging around all the younger people and trying to pick the girls, people would view him much less than favorably. There's nothing wrong with being 24 and still in school, but you've got to consider the optics of the situation. It's just not a good look.

 

Someone your age and still in school is pretty behind the ball. A girl could go out with someone her own age progressing at the normal pace. Or if she actually wanted to go out with someone older, she could date a 24 year old who's been out of school for 3 years already and has a decent job.

 

I'm sure your luck will turn when you're out of school, if not earlier. Then you can date people your own age and won't have the stigma of being the old guy on campus trying to date teenagers. Best of luck.

[No_Go]

This might be **** advice and I'm reaching, but I think you might need a niche. You might be attractive and all that, but too plain. Too average joe. Tell me if you feel me? A niche can make an average guy extremely attractive if done right. It seems that people are hard wired to stereotype and categorize people as a means of figuring out who they identify with and fits into their 'tribe'. So while there's nothing anyone can see wrong and you are an attractive guy, with no style or character you might seem a bit boring.

 

^That. That's why I think people that are not selective readers should NEVER attempt following mainstream dating advice sites.

 

My own experience: I do NOT respond to men that

- Have pictures with friends in their profile (I strongly prefer introverts or people that are comfortable alone)

- Joke in their first messages to me (jokes are fine AFTER establishing a relationship, initially the dryer the better)

- Rush a first meet (surefire way to never meet them)

- Talk about multiple interests (I love nerds with 1 hobby at most. If they only talk about work no play - bonus points from me)

 

The above 4 will be banned in all dating advices out there. And yet they work great for me.

 

OP - be your unique self to get a woman that is a good match for you. And why the rush - 24 I think is way too early to get into a serious relationship, better focus on your life ambitions because relationships, even the best ones, are a big time sink and will stall your development somewhat.

[LightWave93]

Do you have a subculture you most identify with?

 

I'm quite varied, which may be an issue in itself. I like nerd culture (video games etc), but I also enjoy art, hiking, writing, going to concerts etc. Some of those are hard to convey, and others I simply don't have decent pictures of.

 

Would you like me to send links to my profiles / photos?

 

You are 24 years old - hardly too old to think that it will "never" happen for you... Trust me when I say, a nice, attractive guy with a good job, some self confidence, and a sense of humour will be very appealing to women - especially as you get older and the dating pool shrinks. There are always more single women than men... Your value in the dating market will continue to rise... Keep trying.

 

So essentially I have to accept that women will only want me because the men they'd prefer are taken? Not exactly a comfortable scenario to live with.

 

I'm sure your luck will turn when you're out of school, if not earlier. Then you can date people your own age and won't have the stigma of being the old guy on campus trying to date teenagers. Best of luck.

 

I remember you, and you've been very supportive over the last three years. I'm sure you offer plenty of advice to people and never get so much as a thank you, but believe me when I say I very much appreciate it. Thank you.

 

As for your suggestion, I can agree it'll probably put some women off. Too old for some, old enough but not in the right position for others. I get it. Fact of the matter is though, most of the girls I know who are dating at my university are with older men. A little younger, perhaps (say, 22). Also got to bear in mind average final year age is 21 and I'm not that much older, and I've still got a fourth year to do.

 

Thing is and again, I don't get my foot in the door. Women won't know I'm 24, at least not IRL.

 

OP - be your unique self to get a woman that is a good match for you. And why the rush - 24 I think is way too early to get into a serious relationship, better focus on your life ambitions because relationships, even the best ones, are a big time sink and will stall your development somewhat.

 

I do want a quality relationship, and I'd value that over anything else, but I also like sex. I like to meet new people, and date. Whenever I read threads online offering advice to people my age or younger, oft times they do the same as you and suggest refocusing their efforts and have fun.

 

I'm a 24 year old male that's missing out on dating culture in general. It's not just about finding "the one".

[BaileyB]

So essentially I have to accept that women will only want me because the men they'd prefer are taken? Not exactly a comfortable scenario to live with.

 

Not what I meant, at all.

 

Just saying, a man who has something to offer a woman should eventually find success with dating. The odds are in your favour - how you see that and what you do with that, is your choice.

[LightWave93]

Not what I meant, at all.

 

Just saying, a man who has something to offer a woman should eventually find success with dating. The odds are in your favour - how you see that and what you do with that, is your choice.

 

That is essentially what it boils down to though, doesn't it? I have no perceived value now, but when their first choice(s) are gone, I'm settled with.

 

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic given the situation; I don't want to be a womanizer but nor do I want to be unsuccessful.

[BaileyB]

That is essentially what it boils down to though, doesn't it? I have no perceived value now, but when their first choice(s) are gone, I'm settled with.

 

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic given the situation; I don't want to be a womanizer but nor do I want to be unsuccessful.

 

You are being very pessimistic... And no, that's not what it boils down too... But, who am I to try and convince you otherwise.

 

Look - my best advice is... If you are a good guy, who is working toward a good future, if you look nice, are interesting to talk too, have a sense of humor, have confidence and believe that you have something to offer someone else... Then you will eventually meet someone (luck meets opportunity) and it will happen for you...

 

Be the kind of person with whom people enjoy spending time. Women, anyone really, wants to spend time with other people with whom they have fun and make them feel good when they are together. Whether your interest is board games, sports, or politics - whatever!

 

If you are that kind of person... people will want to spend time with you and you will find yourself with a few opportunities. Become bitter and foster a negative and pessamistic attitude about social relationships... and you will find yourself alone.

 

Good luck to you.

[No_Go]

I do want a quality relationship, and I'd value that over anything else, but I also like sex. I like to meet new people, and date. Whenever I read threads online offering advice to people my age or younger, oft times they do the same as you and suggest refocusing their efforts and have fun.

 

I'm a 24 year old male that's missing out on dating culture in general. It's not just about finding "the one".

 

I'm offering an advice just from my own perspective - I never even went on a date before hitting 27, and yeah, I missed sex but I didn't miss on the traditional 'dating culture' one bit. And compensated for sex later If I can repeat my life - I'll do it exactly the same way.

 

Just for sex, I'm sure there are easier ways than traditional dating sites, or maybe mass messaging on Tinder? IDK because I haven't been interested in trying that.

[LightWave93]

You are being very pessimistic... And no, that's not what it boils down too... But, who am I to try and convince you otherwise.

 

Look - my best advice is... If you are a good guy, who is working toward a good future, if you look nice, are interesting to talk too, have a sense of humor, have confidence and believe that you have something to offer someone else... Then you will eventually meet someone (luck meets opportunity) and it will happen for you...

 

Be the kind of person with whom people enjoy spending time. Women, anyone really, wants to spend time with other people with whom they have fun and make them feel good when they are together. Whether your interest is board games, sports, or politics - whatever!

 

If you are that kind of person... people will want to spend time with you and you will find yourself with a few opportunities. Become bitter and foster a negative and pessamistic attitude about social relationships... and you will find yourself alone.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Well people enjoy my company, even though I don't have a massive social circle, and people often say how great I am. I am very pessimistic when it comes to dating, however.

 

Just for sex, I'm sure there are easier ways than traditional dating sites, or maybe mass messaging on Tinder? IDK because I haven't been interested in trying that.

 

More pointing out the fact I can't get so much as a kiss on a cheek, and I'm so undesirable women my age (in a culture very casual-sex driven) won't even consider me for a one-nighter.

[BaileyB]

And if you think I don't know how you feel...

 

I didn't start dating until after university because I was busy living my life and I didn't really have the confidence to date. I thought somehow, he was going to find me and when that didn't happen... Well, I was surprised!

 

So, after university, I started looking for opportunities - blind dates, family friends, speed dating, etc... I went out on MANY first and second dates... But, there were not many people that I liked. I got so frustrated because what seemed so easy for everyone else was not happening for me. Eventually, I quit dating and decided to live my life because "love was not for me." I was happier when I did this, than while I was dating and wondering "why not me..."

 

And then, after 10+ years of dating, I met a wonderful guy. He couldn't believe that I was not married or dating someone else, but as I told him... I had been taking applications for a long time and he was the successful applicant! We have been very happily dating for quite some time and plan to move in together very soon.

 

So, I do believe that you can be a wonderful person... But until you are lucky enough for the right person to come along... You just have stay open to possibilities, seek opportunities, and continue to live your life.

[Cookiesandough]

dating pessimism is kind of chicken or the egg. I'm not going to pin your lack of success in dating on your negative attitude about dating because it could very well stem from that.

 

There's nothing wrong with having a wide variety of interests. That's actually a great thing. Unless you're online dating. People want to pigeon hole you on there, and if you can't be, they'll skip you for someone they can. Just my observation. Maybe try it as a social experiment that might benefit you.

 

As no_go said, be specific as possible and confident! Don't be like "uh I like a little of everything. It's all pretty cool"

[Cookiesandough]

Op, you are hot(Everyone, OP is hot). I can't understand how you'd struggle to get some girls on online unless your profile is off or something is off with your texting/chatting style. Are you kind of picky?

[LightWave93]

And if you think I don't know how you feel...

 

I didn't start dating until after university because I was busy living my life and I didn't really have the confidence to date. I thought somehow, he was going to find me and when that didn't happen... Well, I was surprised!

 

So, after university, I started looking for opportunities - blind dates, family friends, speed dating, etc... I went out on MANY first and second dates... But, there were not many people that I liked. I got so frustrated because what seemed so easy for everyone else was not happening for me. Eventually, I quit dating and decided to live my life because "love was not for me." I was happier when I did this, than while I was dating and wondering "why not me..."

 

And then, after 10+ years of dating, I met a wonderful guy. He couldn't believe that I was not married or dating someone else, but as I told him... I had been taking applications for a long time and he was the successful applicant! We have been very happily dating for quite some time and plan to move in together very soon.

 

So, I do believe that you can be a wonderful person... But until you are lucky enough for the right person to come along... You just have stay open to possibilities, seek opportunities, and continue to live your life.

 

Hey, you're older and wiser than me. I trust your judgement.

 

I think for me what bothers me the most is a lack of opportunity. I know what a long-term relationship is like because I had one, it ended badly and hurt a great deal. I've never had chance to "play the field", take girls for coffee on a regular enough basis or maybe just a quick fling. Unfortunately that is the culture I live in, and it's hard not to feel inadequate for not taking part in it.

 

Op, you are hot(Everyone, OP is hot). I can't understand how you'd struggle to get some girls on online unless your profile is off or something is off with your texting/chatting style. Are you kind of picky?

 

Ha, thanks Cookiesandough! Now I'm even more confused!

 

I don't really get a chance to talk with girls so I honestly can't say what I'm doing wrong in that department. If I do decide to message a girl, I always strive for a personal message as opposed to generic "Hi, how are you?".

 

Picky? No, not really. Obviously wouldn't mind a stunner, but I've attempted to date girls who were average conventionally-speaking (I hate judging people's appearances). As long as I find them sexually-attractive, I'm all for getting to know them.

Edited October 1, 2017 by LightWave93

[Cookiesandough]

I understand, OP. It's tough for guys on there. They are looking for someone soooo freaking specific most of the time. Having standards is good though.

 

 

It sounds like it's not much better IRL. Would you say you're confident? You said you can't get drunken kisses at a night club or hookups etc. I struggle with that stuff myself, though I've never really attempted. I will say, you don't give off an overtly sexual/hookup sort. I think you would need to get that acrossed with your body language and energy in person. Like when you are dancing with a hottie, touch her in sexy places like the small of her back and look at her lips etc. Have to learn to read the signs( I suppose for some this comes more naturally than others) and be kind of be bold

Edited October 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough