Still struggling...

[bene]

I'm not trying to garner any sympathy. Far from it. Nor do I feel entitled to anything.

 

 

 

I really find it difficult to believe that repeating the mantra "I am desirable" in my head is in any way going to improve my chances. Not that I haven't tried already.

 

 

 

I'm not some secondhand man who's only value in life is to provide children and security, because all the "hot, exciting" guys are taken.

 

I ended things with my last ex because she didn't feel "excitement" with me. That, to her, was chasing after men who wanted nothing to do with her. I was told I was a great guy, sexy, comfortable to be around, supportive, and we did some pretty cool stuff for the short period we were together, but it wasn't enough. She text me yesterday saying she felt like ****, and I ignored her. I'm not waiting around for women to suddenly realise I'm actually a catch; I highly doubt I will date anyone once I reach 25+, if I'm honest, because I'm not being settled with.

 

There is a "nice guy syndrome" that some men complain that women don't like them because they're too nice and go for bad boys who treat them like sh*t - only they are not nice, they just want to treat women like sh*t themselves but don't have access to it.

 

I'm not saying that this is definitely you but it's amazing how you discount serious relationships as second rate.

 

If you want to be some cool carefree James Dean character, stop asking for advise and approval and just approach every woman you meet. You seem to say that you are above long term and commitment because this is boring and settling. Just start approaching all women then and forget all the hesitation and contemplation what you can and what you can't do.

[LightWave93]

There is a "nice guy syndrome" that some men complain that women don't like them because they're too nice and go for bad boys who treat them like sh*t - only they are not nice, they just want to treat women like sh*t themselves but don't have access to it.

 

I'm not saying that this is definitely you but it's amazing how you discount serious relationships as second rate.

 

If you want to be some cool carefree James Dean character, stop asking for advise and approval and just approach every woman you meet. You seem to say that you are above long term and commitment because this is boring and settling. Just start approaching all women then and forget all the hesitation and contemplation what you can and what you can't do.

 

Urgh, I hate that terminology. It's misleading. Not "nice guys"; manipulative, spineless, self-entitled children. Grinds my gears.

 

Listen, I've not made a "nice guy vs bad guy" argument. The only thing I've said is something along the lines of women who go after men who mistreat them, and how I'm not going to sit around waiting until they grow past that. I'm a genuinely good guy, I think, but I certainly lack confidence in this area of my life, and I understand that confidence is a desirable trait.

 

It's partly why I ended my previous relationship. She was a really lovely girl, and we clicked like I'd never felt before, but ultimately she still somewhat pined for men who didn't want to be in a relationship and ignored her. I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think her statement of being "the best partner she's ever had" to be true; I treated her lovingly and with respect, but ultimately I had enough respect for myself to let her go.

 

You seem to think I am above long-term and commitment, but that couldn't be further from the truth. My very first relationship was almost four years and was long-distance. I'd love to have a committed relationship again, far far more valuable than any casual encounter. What I take issue with is your assumption that women will suddenly recognise my value when I'm older after they've "had their fun".

[basil67]

LightWave, you said something to Cookies about not being hot because you're not getting dates. Now my daughter was telling me the other day about how a guy can look hot, but if he has depressive posture, it undoes all the hotness.

 

When I talk about the posture which puts women off, it's about not walking tall, straight and with confidence. I remember when my sister was in a dark place - her posture spoke volumes. But when her life changed, she straightened up and looked like a whole new person.

[LightWave93]

LightWave, you said something to Cookies about not being hot because you're not getting dates. Now my daughter was telling me the other day about how a guy can look hot, but if he has depressive posture, it undoes all the hotness.

 

When I talk about the posture which puts women off, it's about not walking tall, straight and with confidence. I remember when my sister was in a dark place - her posture spoke volumes. But when her life changed, she straightened up and looked like a whole new person.

 

I hope I don't get flak for disputing, but I really do have good posture. That's one thing I definitely get right.

 

EDIT: Well, not sure how to convey confidence when walking, but I definitely walk straight / tall.

[bene]

Urgh, I hate that terminology. It's misleading. Not "nice guys"; manipulative, spineless, self-entitled children. Grinds my gears.

 

Listen, I've not made a "nice guy vs bad guy" argument. The only thing I've said is something along the lines of women who go after men who mistreat them, and how I'm not going to sit around waiting until they grow past that. I'm a genuinely good guy, I think, but I certainly lack confidence in this area of my life, and I understand that confidence is a desirable trait.

 

It's partly why I ended my previous relationship. She was a really lovely girl, and we clicked like I'd never felt before, but ultimately she still somewhat pined for men who didn't want to be in a relationship and ignored her. I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think her statement of being "the best partner she's ever had" to be true; I treated her lovingly and with respect, but ultimately I had enough respect for myself to let her go.

 

You seem to think I am above long-term and commitment, but that couldn't be further from the truth. My very first relationship was almost four years and was long-distance. I'd love to have a committed relationship again, far far more valuable than any casual encounter. What I take issue with is your assumption that women will suddenly recognise my value when I'm older after they've "had their fun".

 

Fair enough, I didn't mean to insult you, just the way you put it rubbed me the wrong way, but I get your point.

 

Everyone changes and becomes more mature and gain different perspective when they get older. This is not necessarily settling. It would be quite tragic if we would not evolve and learn anything.

 

When I think back on my late teens and early twenties, I also got stuck with some "bad guys" - first and foremost because they were the only ones who approached , not that they were some kind of ideal for me.

 

Today I wouldn't give them time of day. I'm with a decent loving reliable guy and I would never call it settling, rather I have finally found what I always wanted. I don't want to project my life on others of course, I'm just offering woman's perspective.

[LightWave93]

Fair enough, I didn't mean to insult you, just the way you put it rubbed me the wrong way, but I get your point.

 

Everyone changes and becomes more mature and gain different perspective when they get older. This is not necessarily settling. It would be quite tragic if we would not evolve and learn anything.

 

When I think back on my late teens and early twenties, I also got stuck with some "bad guys" - first and foremost because they were the only ones who approached , not that they were some kind of ideal for me.

 

Today I wouldn't give them time of day. I'm with a decent loving reliable guy and I would never call it settling, rather I have finally found what I always wanted. I don't want to project my life on others of course, I'm just offering woman's perspective.

 

No offensive taken, I know you weren't stating I was such a person and I can acknowledge there are similarities to have I feel. I dare say I'm particularly sensitive having an ex who considered me "what I always wanted" but nonetheless couldn't accept it.

 

Indeed, everyone changes and (hopefully ) becomes more mature, but my perspective is this...I'm not a horrible person, have value and I'm not boring, and contrary to the guys they may end up chasing, I would treat them with respect, communicate etc; it's insulting / upsetting to think women will only realise that much later on after having shunned me for the majority of my youth. It always amazes me how unfortunate I am with dating, and yet there's people out there getting dates all the time or even have tons of FWBs on the go etc; it's like there's a complete other world I'm not a part of, lol.

 

You seem like a lovely person, by the way, so I'm glad you found someone special.

 

For what it's worth, back on (different) anti-depressants so we'll see how these go. At the very least it'll lift my mood and relief my obsession over this, but I'm not holding much hope for any other results. Honestly, I'm tempted to just give up on women and remain single / celibate the rest of my life; constant rejection and two heartbreaks haven't done me any good, it may not be worth it.

[SwordofFlame]

Certainly improvements to be made, but I'm not sure where to start. I'm already attending social events to meet new people, trying (tried?) online dating, am working out, am doing my studies, am doing other stuff to improve myself. What else can I possibly do?

 

I don't think you're going to get any solutions online because none of us can observe what you're doing or not doing. All we can go by is what your perception is of who you are and what you're doing. Which may or may not be accurate. As an introvert myself, I can certainly goto parties and socialize for a while, maybe even seem a little charming at times, but at the end of the day it's not what I really enjoy doing. Many acquaintances that don't know me very well are shocked to learn that I'm actually an introvert.

 

The point I'm trying to make is you just need to find your way. You don't connect well with a lot of women for some reason. Similar to how some women only find like 1% of men attractive. Sure you can improve and change yourself to an extent, but at the end of the day what I think works best is to drastically expand and broaden your dating pool. You just can't do that reasonably well at the moment because you're still in university.

[LightWave93]

You just can't do that reasonably well at the moment because you're still in university.

 

Pretty sure university is often assumed to be THE place to get dates etc?

 

I do have an option to move next September, but I've built a good rapport with some staff here which will boost my chances getting onto my next course etc.

[SwordofFlame]

Pretty sure university is often assumed to be THE place to get dates etc?

 

As someone who had no success with dating in college, I vehemently disagree.

[LightWave93]

As someone who had no success with dating in college, I vehemently disagree.

 

And what do you attribute that to, and how has your success been now?

 

 

I think what bothers me the most is how easy other people find it compared to myself. I mentioned in my previous post how I really can't understand it. Like, I hear about people getting dates all the time, pulling at a club, threesomes etc and I'm like...what?! Don't get me wrong, I don't wish to live a promiscuous / deviant lifestyle, it's just I cannot fathom how such things even happen and yet even so much as a coffee date is seemingly impossible to come by for me. At this point, anything is better than nothing.

 

I mean, take Tinder for example. I know it's not particularly great for most men, with only a small number getting dates much less on a regular basis, but I've been told I'm good-looking enough to expect some fortune on there. Needless to say, not the case. Ironically enough a few hours ago I downloaded it to see if anyone I knew locally was on there (I'm back home atm) and I ended up matching with someone who sent the first message; I respond back and get unmatched. Not particularly bothered and it goes to show how lame these apps actually are, but then I think to myself "Is it just me? Is it them? Am I in the wrong area?" etc. I've since deleted the damn thing and I ain't going to bother with it again, which does limit me somewhat.

 

Honestly, the more I come to this site and talk about it, the more I want to throw in the towel. It's very frustrating, being told good things, working on the bad and it not working out. It's disheartening, being made to feel so undesirable. But maybe that's just the person I am and how my life will turn out. I don't know what the future hold, but it don't look bright. I've loved two women and lost them both, and I'm not really meeting anyone else, so I may as well give up on companionship / love / sex. I'm not going to go on dating sites, talk about it, and hope these new meds kill my sex drive.

 

But, you've all been very good and patient with me, and I truly am thankful for that. I wish things had worked out better, but that's just life 'eh?