I Fear Reconciliation-Talk Was Her Lying to Herself

[MisshapenCloud]

Relationship of ten years. Divorced is scheduled to be finalized in a few months. Moved out a few weeks ago. No adultery, just years of me being distant and not contributing to our family as much as her—both financially and with just “being there” to our kids—and my temper sometimes getting the better of me and becoming verbally abusive out of frustration of not being able to reach her. Do I feel like she’s contributed to the problems? I do, but not a single part of me believes she would’ve become so difficult and unreachable had I been the teammate she needed and deserved.

 

I’ve since made a number of real changes, and she seems to be coming around that my neglect was not intentional and that I do truly love her and our family. Because of past fights, she says she does not trust me. Because of my distance I created, she says I stopped making her smile. Because I have not consistently brought money into the house—we’re still pretty young and despite some difficult circumstances where she admits I did save the day, I admit point blank I’ve dragged my feet finishing school–she says she is tired from the financial burden and struggles to associate me with a comfortable future.

 

Our conversations began with her declaring she was seeking divorce, and that she could not ever see herself reconciling with me. It took me a few months to be able to leave, during which time we had a number of emotional conversations, and when it was finally time for me to leave she became highly emotional for several days and told me “I can’t live with or without you” and repeatedly stated like a mantra “nothing being done cannot be undone”. When she saw instances of my changes I've made and am making, she also began making passing comments like “we’re going to be alright in the end” and even said she was considering counseling with me—a huge step compared to how she felt a few months ago. Things like this gave me strands of hope before then that I just didn't have.

 

She’s said she needs time to heal, and to process things, and to get healthy. She says we need to be become friends again before things can get better, and we need to use the time we spend together with our kids as opportunities to make one another smile again. The problem is that I’ve been gone a few weeks now, and she is scarce when it comes to communicating. I am being reserved in how often I contact her, but we’ve only spoken together on the phone once when the kids weren’t involved, and she frequently tells me she can’t text with me because it hurts and she needs time to “process”. She says this even with light conversation topics and with me even just responding to her with short, positive, and space-respecting texts.

 

Example—She asks about the kids, I send pictures, we both agree they're perfect, and she then will quickly say she can't text with me because it hurts, etc. like I described. It's not even in response to me pushing for her to text me. She will initiate conversations and then quickly pull back.

 

I love this woman more than life itself, we have faced down so many external things that would have obliterated many other relationships, and I want so badly for the opportunity to prove to her that if I am contributing to our lives the way I can then I can be the mate to her that she so fully deserves and that I can make her happy like I once did. I didn’t expect her to immediately want me to return when I left, but her seemingly avoiding me like she has since I left makes me think she just felt overwhelmed when it was actually time for me leave, and now that I’m gone and only around her when picking up the kids, I am just something in her rear view mirror she doesn’t feel much like looking at anymore and her talk of ‘nothing can’t be undone’ and even the night before I left her talk of considering counseling all of a sudden, as well as changing it from divorce to separation, was all just empty talk made by her to get herself through the transition of me not living with her for the first time in a decade.

Edited October 1, 2017 by MisshapenCloud

[oldbutcurious]

she's still hurting and confused. give her time.