Guilt With My Ex And Wanting To Make Things Right

[Miss Spider]

Please help. I feel very guilty every day for how I treated my ex (and sort of a guys I dated after him). I broke up with my ex who was a very good man and he took me back a couple times. The second time we broke up I said horribly mean things to him. I told him I never loved him and he was a big joke! Just stuff too terrible to talk about but wasn't true. We got back together but he said he said he didn't believe it was true...it didn't bother him. But I knew deep down he did and he would never forget what I said. I said things about his bod that were completely untrue and he wouldn't even let me really look at those parts. Also, his entire vibe changed. He didn't love me anymore. Basically, the thrill was gone. Nothing I said or did could erase my words or make him see that I loved him. I wanted him to understand how I am not a bad person more than I want to be with him. I hate how someone I love hates me and when he thinks of me, only bad thoughts pop in his head. I guess I am still being selfish because he told me to leave him alone and I keep harassing him trying to get him to understand. I can't stop going over what I said, how I acted, how I lost a good man. How do I forgive myself when I acted like a selfish and evil monster?

Edited October 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CC12]

I guess I am still being selfish because he told me to leave him alone and I keep harassing him trying to get him to understand.

 

You need to leave him alone. You can do one last kind and respectful thing for him after treating him badly, and that is to leave him alone forever. That is one small way you can make up for what you did to him.

 

Yes, you are being selfish because "trying to get him to understand" is not for his benefit at all, it is completely for your own. You probably want for him to forgive you or tell you that what you did is just fine, but it's not his job to alleviate your guilt. Leave him alone. This is very important.

 

As for how to forgive yourself, accept that you did this and resolve to not ever treat anyone else that way. For some reason, you wanted to hurt him with the mean things you said. Figure out why you did that. Counseling would probably be a good thing for you. If you're averse to counseling or therapy for whatever reason, now is a good time to consider changing your opinion on that. Destroying a relationship and hurting someone you loved is a good sign that you should get yourself some help. You need to learn ways to cope with whatever emotions made you do that so you won't repeat these behaviors in the future.

[Miss Spider]

You need to leave him alone. You can do one last kind and respectful thing for him after treating him badly, and that is to leave him alone forever. That is one small way you can make up for what you did to him.

 

Yes, you are being selfish because "trying to get him to understand" is not for his benefit at all, it is completely for your own. You probably want for him to forgive you or tell you that what you did is just fine, but it's not his job to alleviate your guilt. Leave him alone. This is very important.

 

As for how to forgive yourself, accept that you did this and resolve to not ever treat anyone else that way. For some reason, you wanted to hurt him with the mean things you said. Figure out why you did that. Counseling would probably be a good thing for you. If you're averse to counseling or therapy for whatever reason, now is a good time to consider changing your opinion on that. Destroying a relationship and hurting someone you loved is a good sign that you should get yourself some help. You need to learn ways to cope with whatever emotions made you do that so you won't repeat these behaviors in the future.

 

 

Thank you. This was helpful to me. The second time we broke up he said he's finished. I suspected he had a new girlfriend, but wasn't sure. I didn't like that he moved on so quickly and was also speaking to me in the meantime in a flirty way. He said it wasn't serious with her, but he wasn't sure we should get back together. I flipped out and said mean things and ended it. Later on we reconciled and he said he didn't have a gf(still not sure if true) I swore nothing would come between us again but he said himself he couldn't get passed what I said. He essentially said it wasn't the words themselves but that I tried went there just to hurt him. He wouldn't cuddle. I think it's not only that, but I treated him bad when we broke up the first time put him off.

 

You are right 100%. The best thing I can do now is leave him alone, stop being hopeful, stop being selfish, move on, and never do this again. Thank you so much.

[bluefeather]

You said he had a small penis, didn't you? smh...

[CC12]

I suspected he had a new girlfriend, but wasn't sure.

 

So this is why you said mean things to him, am I correct? This is pretty unhealthy behavior, is it not? You weren't together. He could have been with someone else, and it should not have been any of your concern, since you were broken up. He was free to date others. You weren't even sure if he was actually with someone else. Even when he told you he wasn't, you still didn't really believe him. Why?

[Miss Spider]

So this is why you said mean things to him, am I correct? This is pretty unhealthy behavior, is it not? You weren't together. He could have been with someone else, and it should not have been any of your concern, since you were broken up. He was free to date others. You weren't even sure if he was actually with someone else. Even when he told you he wasn't, you still didn't really believe him. Why?

 

Well he was telling me he wanted to be with me but he wasn't sure because he was seeing someone but they weren't serious. I didn't believe him because I trusted him when he said he had a girl. And the motive to lie was there when we got back together. Later her told me that he was just saying that because he wasn't sure it was a good idea for us to re-uinite.Thank you

[Miss Spider]

You said he had a small penis, didn't you? smh...

 

Lol no I didn't say that

[No_Go]

First - we have all said mean things to our exes, mine lastly told me I must have a new p*nis because otherwise I'd have had responded to him (I always did respond to him btw - out of guilt, but that just turned him into aa big whining baby).

 

Second - if you want your ex - dating a plethora of other guys and treating them badly is not helping your case.

 

IME just about any on-off relationship can be resurrected to the extent of one more 'on' cycle, if you really want ti. It will likely won't last but I'm betting money that if you don't act like a psycho and apologize to him he'll get you back... well, for a short-lived on-cycle. Will you be up for that?

 

Better strategy is to stop dating for 3-6 months and focus on other things in your life, and THEN start dating new guys without the baggage, why not that?

[bluefeather]

I think you're only feeling this way because things aren't working out with your current dating situation. Move forward, not backward.

[Soak]

I think that dating others when you're not completely over someone makes you miss that other person because you actually compare the person you've broken up with, with all these new people.

 

You say you said some aweful things to this guy. We've all been there and done that. In the grand scheme of things, he probably doesn't care about that anymore and he has asked you not to contact anymore.

 

Nobody is worth losing your dignity for. NC is the only power you have, so i'd suggest to hold on to this power and keep moving forward. You didn't really mean what you said, and there are plenty of other good men out there. Take some time out for yourself, connect with some hobbies and interests and develop yourself. He'll be fine.

Edited October 2, 2017 by Soak