he calls me names

[confusedgalstar]

My bf, off and on again for six years, is in the military and we don't get to see each other often as I am in college. His military friends cheat and he tells me about this, saying how it pisses him off and he doesn't want us to be like that. I don't know what his problem is but he'll accuse me of lying and cheating and screwing around and its takin its toll on me.

Then he'll call me pathetic because I can't cook or do anything but says he loves me anyways...or he'll call me stupid or retarded..I'm starting to feel like sh** because of this and I want him to stop. When we are together in person we have such a good time and everything is good. Then when he leaves again he starts with the name calling, jealousy, and telling me about "hot chicks" in other countries. He says this because if I get upset it shows I care and he likes to get me going. He says I'm the only girl for him and we're together forever.

 

I really really love this guy and we have plans on being together in the future, when I get out of college. How can I get him to stop this? I never call him names? Also, some people say that since he's accusing me of cheating it could be because he is cheating is this true? However, all his friends are my friends and I am very very close with his family and they know we're gonna be together too. What should I do? We are both 23.

[pearlsasinger]

He is trying to control you by bringing you down. I know you love him but this is not healthy!

 

Someone who really loves and respects you would never call you pathetic, retarded or stupid! Find somebody who appreciates you for the great person that you are. Or have a talk with him...if it doesn't stop, you walk.

[Lil Honey]

Confusedgalstar:

 

Pick up the phone and call a hotline for abused women. Ask them how physical abuse starts. Know what some of the things that top the list are? Name-calling, control, depleting spouse's self-esteem.

 

This man (and I use the term loosely) is doing you no favors. He doesn't love you, he likes the sex when he comes back. And judging by the way he talks to you, he probably likes the sex while you aren't around, too, because in his mind, it's likely that what isn't "right" for you (cheating, lying, etc.) to do, yet is okay for him to do. He sounds like the type that would say, "Yeah, well, I'm a man. That makes it different."

 

You are 23. You say that you love him. You are young. If you find someone who really loves you and treats you well, just think how grand THAT love would be. It certainly wouldn't be dragging you down.

 

However, all his friends are my friends and I am very very close with his family and they know we're gonna be together too.

That isn't going to stop him from cheating, nor is it going to stop him from treating you badly.

 

He says this because if I get upset it shows I care and he likes to get me going

Actually, getting you upset shows that he can (and will and does) hurt you and he seems to get a big kick out of it. He likes to get you going, to prove to himself that he can manipulate you.

 

There IS such a thing as emotional abuse and frankly, I think it's already started.

 

I say, "Get out while you can."

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by confusedgalstar

Also, some people say that since he's accusing me of cheating it could be because he is cheating is this true?

 

It's very possible but nobody here can tell you if it's true. Jealousy in a long-distance relationship is normal. However calling you names and telling you that you're pathetic cuz you can't cook is mean, disrespectful and speaks of his low class.

If you were my sister I would advise you to dump him. If you get married his behavior won't get better; it will probably get worse.

You can choose to remove the consequence (make him stop for a certain amount of time until he gets you) or the cause (leave him).

I completely agree with Pearl. He obviously has some issues related to abuse and I am afraid he is not capable of loving in a healthy way.

[confusedgalstar]

Thank You to all for your advice. You all say for me to leave him but its not that easy, its not always like this we have soo many great moments together that I know I won't find in anyone else. He is emotionally abusive..is there any way for him to change? What do you all think? Maybe I'm just too blind I don't know. I can't see him ever hitting me....but then again we spend alot of time apart so I really don't know?

[lindya]

Originally posted by confusedgalstar

Thank You to all for your advice. You all say for me to leave him but its not that easy, its not always like this we have soo many great moments together that I know I won't find in anyone else.

 

Of course it's difficult for you to leave. Ending a relationship and going it alone takes confidence...which is exactly the thing you lack just now. No matter how abusive a person can get, they will always but always ensure there are enough "great moments" to prevent the other person from walking away. If the great moments end, sometimes simply the memory of them is enough to keep things going. Or sometimes the feeling of "who else would want me?" is sufficient, sadly.

 

I'm glad this guy's away so much, because it does at least give you the chance to start doing what you need to do to build your confidence up. So you can't cook. Does that bother you? If so, then you could maybe go to cookery classes...for YOU, please note, not for him. Other people always appreciate being invited round to someone's house for a good meal, so it's a nice, sociable skill to have.

 

He's quite systematically robbed you of your confidence, so just as systematically you need to set about building it back up, and it wouldn't do any harm to explore some of the support networks in your area to help you with this.

NB Stargazer's point about him tearing you down so that he's the only one who can build you back up again is particularly noteworthy.

[JadeStar]

All I can say is get out of the situation. Like I heard Dr.Phil say once on his show, "Stop making excuses for inexcusable behavior." Meaning, sure he might have some good qualities etc, but that doesn't lessen the fact he's still being abusive and controling in his words.

 

 

 

Jade