When One of You is More Invested Than The Other

[twentysix]

I really need some advice on my current relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7 months now, he’s 29 and I’m 27.

 

He has not had a “serious” relationship in about 8 years, so he’s a very independent, and I hate to say it, but quite self-centred person. He’s had anxiety issues (social & general) in the past, which was quite deliberating for him for many years. He has broke free of this, even more so since we’ve been together. Since we met, I have seen him grow more confident in many areas of his life and it’s quite amazing to see.

 

I’ve come to the realization lately though, that he seems to only want me on his terms. We are committed to each other, and he says he really wants it to work and hopes that we can have a future together etc. but he doesn’t really put much work in. He wants us to be together and is serious about our relationship, but he has openly said he doesn’t want it to be “too serious too soon”. By this, he means he doesn’t want us to be spending every day together and being completely wrapped up in each others lives. He wants us to be able to remain independent, go with the flow, let things develop naturally and not push/force anything too soon. He doesn’t want us to be “casual” but he doesn’t want it to be “too serious” yet either.

He is also an athlete, so he spends a lot of time training & doing competitions as the season is currently in progress. I understand this and I would never want to come between him & his sport and I support him 100%, but I do feel a lack of attention. We see each other most of the weekend and a night during the week, so around 3-4 times a week. I would like this to be more, but he doesn’t necessarily. During the times that we are apart, he doesn’t contact me very much and usually takes a long time to reply to text messages. It’s upsetting because it gives me the impression that I am not much of a priority – although he tells me that I mean a lot to him and he would do anything for me (which he does, in that he will come to see me even if he is dead tired, he has never said no when I ask for a favor, he pays the majority of the time, he listens/offers advice & supports me when I need it etc.) He is not a bad person at all and he is always very honest with me, I just don't feel like he is very relationship-minded.

 

We’ve had a few conversations about these things, and he says that he often feels like he’s disappointing me, that he knows he doesn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated, that he probably takes me for granted. He knows all of this, and he says he will try harder and wants to try harder – he is doing a lot better than he was previously, I’ll give him that, but it’s very slow going. He says he is scared to lose me but he doesn’t really know how to make sure that doesn’t happen. He says he really, really does want us to work out but he’s worried that I may need more from him than he is able to give me – which is probably true.

 

I feel like I’m always yo-yoing on my feelings here. On one hand, I feel like I probably shouldn’t be investing any more of my feelings into a relationship where he is clearly not as invested, and on the other hand I really like him and I really feel like there’s something there that’s not worth losing. We are both very good for each other in the way that we are different in a way that benefits both of us. I’ve taught him a lot of confidence and helped him open up a lot about things he doesn’t normally talk about. He has said that he feels like he has learned a lot from me/our relationship so far. He’s taught me a patience that I never had before and encourages me to get out of my comfort zone, which is something I’ve always struggled with.

 

I just don’t know if I can relax & be happy in a relationship where I’m more invested. I also don’t know if I’m expecting too much from a 7 month old relationship. I really do not know what to do.

Edited October 2, 2017 by twentysix

[Gloria25]

Please, send him my way...

 

I'm a busy woman too and it's not that I'm not invested in a guy (I treat my men VERY well). It's that I don't need them around 24/7.

 

I don't know how married people and/or people who shack up do it - having to see the same person 24/7. That's too much for me.

 

Some women can be involved with and even married to a guy who is gone a lot and/or works long hours (i.e. military, law enforcement, lawyers). Some women actually prefer it. But, it's not for everyone and if you need more, then he probably isn't a match for you.

[Sweetfish]

Sweet heart... i hope your not doing what i seen many women do...

 

Find a guy with issues and try to fix him.

 

You cannot help him or fix him. Only he can fix him self.

[joseb]

Personally I would find 3-4 nights a little too much. 2 or 3 tops is my sweet spot. Even if I'm totally besotted.

 

I'm not sure he is less vested than you. I think k he's just more independent.

But if you really need someone who's there closer to 24 7 then maybe he's not the right guy for you.

[gorse]

Take time out and make him chase you. If he lets you go, better now than later because if he lets you go it would end badly anyway.

[LoverOfDance]

I'm a woman/girl and to be honest if a man was in my space almost 24/7 I would feel a bit suffocated. 3 to 4 nights every week can actually feel a little much for me. 2 to 3 would be ok. To each their own to be honest.

 

I don't think he is less invested in the relationship. I honestly feel his pain. He is trying his best and it's still not enough for you. If you really want someone you can be with almost everyday, maybe he isn't the guy for you. I would say, relax. He seems to really like you. Relax and just know that everything is fine and he really cares for you. If you can't do this, don't put him through anymore of the pain of feeling like he's disappointing you and don't put yourself through anymore of the pain of feeling unsatisfied. Let him go and trust that you will find someone who is better matched for you.

[Whodatdog]

It sounds like the problem isnt him, its you. Sounds like he's balancing his life, what with work, his interests and you...seeing several days during week and weekends is plenty. You need some interests in your life other than him.

 

I dont know what else you want him to do. It sounds like he's a great guy. Your neediness is going to ruin this relationship. Back off a bit and let him have his own life. It doesnt mean he cares for you any less, he just (fortunately) has healthy interests. He has balance in his life. A lot of guys dont. What happened since you posted #24 on this thread a month ago?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/631830-introverted-boyfriend-my-needs-2.html

 

It sounded like you had it worked out, but have now regressed to where you were originally. It just doesnt sound like you will ever be satisfied with him.

Edited October 3, 2017 by Whodatdog

[LoverOfDance]

OP:

 

I actually just read your previous thread about him and I think I understand your situation a little better now. I understand why you feel the way you do, I think. You said in your previous post that he never initiates anything. Is this still the situation? I feel that if he never checks up on you, never asks to meet up and you're always the one initiating everything, there is a bit of a problem. From your previous post, you said that you have spoken to him about your feelings concerning his behaviour.

 

I understand that you've already done this before but if he is still not initiating convos, take a step back and don't talk to him. This time, don't give up after two days. Say nothing and see what happens. It would be pretty crazy if he actually goes an entire week without saying "Hi, how are you doing". I think this would be a clear sign of where you are on his priority list.

[twentysix]

OP:

 

I actually just read your previous thread about him and I think I understand your situation a little better now. I understand why you feel the way you do, I think. You said in your previous post that he never initiates anything. Is this still the situation? I feel that if he never checks up on you, never asks to meet up and you're always the one initiating everything, there is a bit of a problem. From your previous post, you said that you have spoken to him about your feelings concerning his behaviour.

 

I understand that you've already done this before but if he is still not initiating convos, take a step back and don't talk to him. This time, don't give up after two days. Say nothing and see what happens. It would be pretty crazy if he actually goes an entire week without saying "Hi, how are you doing". I think this would be a clear sign of where you are on his priority list.

 

Thanks for reading the previous post, I should have actually referenced it.

 

After this last discussion we had (which the post was about), he has actually been texting me every day we haven't seen each other. Usually I am the first to text him, however I've been holding back to see if he does, and he has been. Last night, he texted me at about 9PM to see how my day was, I'm sure he had the sudden realization that I hadn't contacted him that day ;-)

 

I suppose I've just got to wait it out to see if he keeps it up or if I slide back down the priority list...

[twentysix]

It sounds like the problem isnt him, its you. Sounds like he's balancing his life, what with work, his interests and you...seeing several days during week and weekends is plenty. You need some interests in your life other than him.

 

I dont know what else you want him to do. It sounds like he's a great guy. Your neediness is going to ruin this relationship. Back off a bit and let him have his own life. It doesnt mean he cares for you any less, he just (fortunately) has healthy interests. He has balance in his life. A lot of guys dont. What happened since you posted #24 on this thread a month ago?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/631830-introverted-boyfriend-my-needs-2.html

 

It sounded like you had it worked out, but have now regressed to where you were originally. It just doesnt sound like you will ever be satisfied with him.

 

I somewhat agree with you. I certainly have some insecurities that I need to work on, however some of it is also him.

 

He has some intimacy & commitment issues that stem from his childhood which makes it difficult to feel secure in the relationship. When pushed, he says the right things and will open up about how he feels/be affectionate towards me, however 99.9% of the time he is not verbally or physically affectionate at all. Not even via text message. In the first month or so, he was very affectionate & communicated a lot. Now he has reverted to being himself, which in itself is great that he is being himself, but with that I do not have very much reassurance of his feelings towards me.

 

I've never felt this insecure & needy in a relationship before - and I know that the reasons why is because I do not get much from him in the way of time together, cute texts, compliments, physical affection, sex.

 

I know that he values a deep friendship within a romantic relationship over any sort of romantic closeness. He has told me this.

[Cookiesandough]

Wow I'm shocked reading these posts. 3 or 4 nights a week is too much for a serious relationship?

 

So people can have a long term, serious romantic relationship and see each other only 2 nights a week?

 

That's interesting because I am in the '1 or 2 nights a week' camp and always thought this would not be enough to sustain a LTR based on my experiences. Even the introverted men, once they want to start getting serious they need to see you regularly - meaning **at the very least** 3 or 4 times a week. Usually they would want regular sex. They also want phone/text communication throughout the day.

 

I've never met a man who wanted a serious relationship that was cool only seeing each other 1 or 2 nights a week and have run into problems telling guys I just want casual and low key texting. I've even heard things like "no BF would be cool with that", accusing me of having a main bf (srsly), kind of getting irked when I imply I'd like time alone???

 

I'm just shocked that this is true. I feel like this guy doesn't have something (Work, distance etc) preventing him from seeing her more, he is very unusual. But yes, ideal to people who are similarly unusual, like myself. Most people seem to be the OP's camp I thought

Edited October 10, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[WaitingForBardot]

I have found that in nearly every relationship I've been in or privy too, one person is more invested than the other. Sometimes the difference is large, sometimes small, but the difference is always there.

 

I've been on both sides of this and have learned over the years that I am much more comfortable being more invested than my partner. I find having a partner over-invested in me to be smothering. I'm a solitary person by nature so when I'm over-invested I don't smother, I don't need them, I just want them. And yes, under-invested partners are probably a bit more likely to dump you and it sucks, but I can deal with that. There's always someone else...

[lucy_in_disguise]

My personal opinion is that if you have to spend a lot of effort making a relationship feel right, either through compromise or by trying to convince yourself your needs/ wants aren't valid, it's probably not worth it.