What's it mean when man says hookups make vulnerable

[Cookiesandough]

I asked a guy why he doesn't do hookups. He said that hookups make him feel....

 

"Empty?" I said.

 

He said "No, not that. Guarded...vulnerable?"

 

I don't get what this means because it's a guy. A lot of women feel vulnerable because they expect all the man ever wanted was sex. How would a hookup make a guy vulnerable??? I am am not going to hookup with this guy if he doesn't want it and I don't want him to feel bad about it and...vulnerable...later, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hook up with this guy. I would have been willing to wait but I don't even know what I'm waiting for because I don't get what feeling guarded after a hookup means(I should have asked... I screwed up)

 

I think I pushed my luck and won't be getting a third date so this is just for future

[amaysngrace]

Vulnerable to an STD maybe?

 

I don't know why it matters if he's a guy or not though. Some men are in touch with their emotions the same way that some women are.

[Cookiesandough]

I never thought of that... it could be an STD!!! He said he's done hookups before...maybe he got paranoid about it each time so it worth it for him. Thanks Amaysn

 

I feel like we got to know each other well and he was attracted but maybe not emotionally enough to sleep with me...hence no third date. That's so messed up. ( I mean no judgment, it's just pretty disappointing that a guy sucks your face off all night and touches you all over but decided he doesn't want to sleep with you, but that's fair)

Edited October 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[amaysngrace]

I never thought of that... it could be an STD!!! He said he's done hookups before...maybe he got paranoid about it each time so it worth it for him. Thanks Amaysn

 

No problem. My first real boyfriend and I broke up off and on and I remember him saying that he met one girl and she was all sprawled out on his bed and he had absolutely no interest in being with her.

 

He said he figured if she was this way with him then he was probably not the only one or something like that.

 

He preferred a challenge I guess and I definitely was that lol

[stillafool]

Maybe he's used to women wanting sex with him because he's attractive and doesn't want to be seen as a sex object. There are a lot of women that just want a hook up.

[Cookiesandough]

Ty. I feel like if I was just looking for a s*x object I could go for another guy. I had been on 2 dates with him no sex and got to know each other quite a bit. If you are with someone for 5 hours and things are going well and you're kissing them all over and playing with their hands and they tell you they're physically attracted what's wrong with hooking up. I know I sound like I feel entitled to s*x but I certainly do not and totally respect the decision. I guess I'm just trying to understand it so in the future I don't waste my time. You're probably right.

[CptInsano]

Ty. I feel like if I was just looking for a s*x object I could go for another guy. I had been on 2 dates with him no sex and got to know each other quite a bit. If you are with someone for 5 hours and things are going well and you're kissing them all over and playing with their hands and they tell you they're physically attracted what's wrong with hooking up. I know I sound like I feel entitled to s*x but I certainly do not and totally respect the decision. I guess I'm just trying to understand it so in the future I don't waste my time. You're probably right.

 

Maybe he is just a regular guy who is looking for a girlfriend rather than a hookup. I mean, I tried a hookup once. Sex was great, everything felt good ... she moved in a month later. I guess I failed that one.

 

But yes, some guys really don't do that. Not all of us can separate sex from our emotions, and are therefore prone to feeling too much when being with somebody to just walk away afterwards.

[PegNosePete]

I don't get what this means

Why don't you just ask him???

 

Goodness, it's so simple, yet you make it so complicated.

[Cookiesandough]

i see. well it's over now...it wasn't a complete waste of my life because he was a cool and interesting person but interesting in a way that I cant figure out so it feels kind of pointless in some regards (most of it was great)...

 

I cant ask him now it is over...and I couldn't ask him on the date because he seemed uncomfortable every time I brought up hooking up which was often and he said he just isn't into it so I didn't want to keep pushing and prodding

 

 

it's just so perplexing... I feel like I am attracted to these type which is very disappointing ... I mean it's normal to not like thirst in a man but there is a middle ground.

thanks so much!!!

Edited October 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[nospam99]

i see. well it's over now...it wasn't a complete waste of my life because he was a cool and interesting person but interesting in a way that I cant figure out so it feels kind of pointless in some regards (most of it was great)...

 

I cant ask him now it is over...and I couldn't ask him on the date because he seemed uncomfortable every time I brought up hooking up which was often and he said he just isn't into it so I didn't want to keep pushing and prodding

 

 

it's just so perplexing... I feel like I am attracted to these type which is very disappointing ... I mean it's normal to not like thirst in a man but there is a middle ground.

thanks so much!!!

 

Your posts on this thread are confusing. If you're just venting because you are disappointed, that's okay. But if you really want some feedback, you would do well to clarify a few things. Why is if 'over' and why can't you ask him out? Did you and this guy explicitly 'break up'? Was he interested IN YOU to the point where you think he would want to keeping seeing you without the expectation of sex, at least in the short term? Would that be an acceptable dating relationship for you? What is 'these type' that you are disappointed being attracted to, guys who want to forego sex? What do you mean by 'middle ground'?

[olivetree]

Lol.

I also don't get why it's over now.

Fill us in Cookies.

 

It's possible he felt vulnerable after sex because it's intimate for him.

Doubly so if he was just coming out of a breakup.

[BluesPower]

I for one am tired of... being treated like a sexual object. I have feelings and...emotions. I am more than a sexual object!!!

 

No really, just kidding. I don't mind one bit.

 

But really, it gets tiresome sleeping around all the time, I am defiantly in relationship mode. And I have a great new girl friend that I am completely digging in every way. If she turns out to not be crazy this could be the one for a while.

 

My friends that are girls like her and they don't think she is crazy so who knows.

 

So I guess I can understand this guy... No, no I can't. If you were worth hanging out with you were worth sleeping with.

 

If I don't want to be with a girl at all, I don't go out with her.

 

Really is a little weird. May have dodged a bullet, who knows????

[Redhead14]

I wonder if he's experienced situations where a woman has gone to bed with him expecting more from him even if she said she would be OK with a hook up. When he didn't meet her expectations, she went off on him for "using her". Some women don't accept their own role for situations they find themselves in . . .

 

Lots of women say they are OK with a hook up just because they think that if they sleep with a guy he will want her more -- the guy will be "hooked".

[thefooloftheyear]

I have no clue what this guy means by "vulnerable".....but I will say that despite what most women are led to believe, not that many guys like a total laydown...It conjures up bad images in their minds...

 

TFY

[road]

"Empty?" I said.

 

He said "No, not that. Guarded...vulnerable?"

 

 

When you leave out the "............" you take the guarded

and vulnerable out of context which makes it impossible to

find the correct meaning.

 

That leaves you with possible meanings.

 

1. Guarded he is careful before he makes "that decision"

Which could be he does not want to send the wrong message.

 

2. Vulnerable he knows he gets to attached with sex and at

this time he does not want to.

 

3. He did not to have sex with and looked for a way to say

no without hurting feelings.

 

 

My message is that he did not want to have sex with you

and the reason does not matter. Just date men that do.

[Cookiesandough]

When you leave out the "............" you take the guarded

and vulnerable out of context which makes it impossible to

find the correct meaning.

 

That leaves you with possible meanings.

 

1. Guarded he is careful before he makes "that decision"

Which could be he does not want to send the wrong message.

 

2. Vulnerable he knows he gets to attached with sex and at

this time he does not want to.

 

3. He did not to have sex with and looked for a way to say

no without hurting feelings.

 

 

My message is that he did not want to have sex with you

and the reason does not matter. Just date men that do.

Why do you believe guys usually friend zone girls and want to continue seeing them? Especially if they met on Tinder? Do you think most just are not as attracted to them as they want to be but are trying to see if the feelings grow like a lot of people (more women) on here do?

 

I wouldn't say I came off as a total 'lay down'. I am way too awkward for that. Girls who have casual sex have a je se quas and smooth attitude. I make sex jokes but if anything that speaks more to my awkwardness. I think he can tell I am not experienced even if he doesn't believe what I say (my inexperience is hard to believe for most because my age). I did initiate a kiss, but break them off, giggle, and talk about something unrelated because I'm nervous. I even got a little light headed when he was touching me(featherlight on my hands)and fell over and he had to catch me. Besides he hasn't tried to sleep with me so it's not like he can know!

 

Thanks guys. Sigh ... I guess women don't like a total 'lay down' either because he's just so much more attractive that he doesn't sleep around even when girls come on to him and they must because he's an attractive guy. That makes him like 80% MORE attractive. . . Even if he has a small whatever, don't care. It'd be sad if he had some neurosis like a germaphobe or self conscious about his body though. A lot of guys are just so easy to get but they aren't often that attractive. Often physically speaking but they can sometimes have a decent look but not really my type or their easiness is a turn off. Don't get me wrong, there are many people, both men and women who are not turned off by people who have casual sex. It '17 and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

But also we have been on 2 dates spanning for many hours. I'd think there'd be more progression from someone typically attracted to someone. I met another guy like this from tinder and we hung out many hours in his house on the third date and he said he wants to wait for the first kiss. Maybe I seem infectious or smthng ...>.>

 

I'm gonna start looking at new guys

Edited October 4, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[NuevoYorko]

Why is it "over"? What is over? You went on 2 dates, didn't have sex, sounds like it just wasn't going to be anything.

 

Sure guys are vulnerable if we decide to have sex. Maybe he gets attached, or maybe he had an experience with a woman who got attached and he didn't, or perhaps he realizes that sex can and does lead to pregnancy and that he will be equally responsible for the results as the woman.

 

Casual sex is often not all that casual.

[CptInsano]

Thanks guys. Sigh ... I guess women don't like a total 'lay down' either because he's just so much more attractive that he doesn't sleep around even when girls come on to him and they must because he's an attractive guy. That makes him like 80% MORE attractive. . . Even if he has a small whatever, don't care. It'd be sad if he had some neurosis like a germaphobe or self conscious about his body though. A lot of guys are just so easy to get but they aren't often that attractive. Often physically speaking but they can sometimes have a decent look but not really my type or their easiness is a turn off. Don't get me wrong, there are many people, both men and women who are not turned off by people who have casual sex. It '17 and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

There is always a risk, both emotional and physical/material with having sex. It's not exactly like shaking hands. I personally, with one exception, never had sex with anybody who I couldn't see as a long-term girlfriend. I would consider not having a hook-up for the sake of it a sign of maturity, regardless of the person's physical appearance.