Wife of over 10 years has changed - Trying to keep up

[inmyownhead]

Hello All,

 

 

I appreciate you taking the time to read this. A few months back, my wife's son graduated high school. She started early, and had him when she was 20. We have two children together. Him graduating triggered what I can only describe as a mid-life crisis.

 

 

Background, we have been married for almost 15 years. In that 15 years, it's been tumultuous and difficult. Not all the time, but some of the time. In the past two years, we've fallen into a routine / rut. Neither her nor I have had much of a social life at all.

 

 

Fast forward to a few months ago, I met new friend that I thought we could both be friends with. Couple our age, kids, etc. My wife was hesitant. One day, I asked her to give my friend (a male) a ride to another town to help out. She did, and felt an admitted connection. During the same time, she had started going out more often, once every couple weeks or so. Without me. Out to the beach, the store, the bar. All by herself. She also lost a bunch of weight. I began to get suspicious, and snooped through her phone one night. I found texts to my friend that were flirtatious in nature. Nothing overt or blatant, just flirty. I began to pay attention to their body language when we were out, and I didn't like it. I confronted her and admitted that I had snooped through her phone. She apologized and said there was nothing going on at all. I asked her very directly if she had feelings for him, and admitted an attraction and connection, but reiterated nothing occurred that was inappropriate.

 

 

Now, in the present day, I'm a mess. She still chats with him via text and I noticed via FaceBook Messenger the other day. My day is consumed with thoughts that my wife is unhappy with me and perhaps looking for someone else. She insists there are no issues short of my insecurity. I've talked to her so much lately about the issue that she's tired of talking. I've told her that I needed more from her in terms of affection / love, and she says she doesn't think she can give me that.

 

 

I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to lose my wife. Despite our past, I love her more than anything. Over the past 60 days I've busted my butt to be the best husband I can be, and show her how much I love and appreciate her. I feel like that behavior may only be pushing her further away. I don't want this to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

 

I feel like the problem may be me, admittedly. I don't know how to make myself feel better and at the same time save my marriage. My thoughts are consumed with the possibility of her infidelity and her not being happy with me any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to her & try romancing her.

[angel.eyes]

Hmmm. Interesting that you've been married and a family for 15 years, but it's still her son...not your child. (Just an observation.)

 

Anyway, consider marriage counseling.

 

You had both fallen into a routine/rut with each other, and had probably been investing most of your attention and energy into the kids rather than your own relationship. Having a child graduate can be a wake-up call. Becoming empty nesters forces a couple to refocus on what they have in their relationship once the kids leave. Granted you still have two more kids at home, but it sounds as if your wife is already thinking about what life without kids look like. You on the other hand, just want things back to "normal." That's typical. No two people are going to approach change in the same way. A neutral third party can help you both deal with the transition you're facing--specifically in communicating your needs and desires, handling your feelings, addressing any differences, and resolving these, hopefully in a mutually satisfactory way.

 

Don't wait until things deteriorate even further to seek outside help. If you can nip problems in the bud, you have a better shot at success.

 

Best of luck!

[inmyownhead]

Thanks for the reply. Good observation on the her son part. The emphasis there was intentional, as I was trying to convey that she had a child at a very young age, whereas we were together for 6 years before we had children together.

 

 

I've suggested marriage counseling and she refuses. This is part of the feeling of dread and peril that I have. I know the hard answer there, that being if she won't participate I don't have much of a way to go. I was hoping for a solution beyond my level of creativeness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm. Interesting that you've been married and a family for 15 years, but it's still her son...not your child. (Just an observation.)

 

Anyway, consider marriage counseling.

 

You had both fallen into a routine/rut with each other, and had probably been investing most of your attention and energy into the kids rather than your own relationship. Having a child graduate can be a wake-up call. Becoming empty nesters forces a couple to refocus on what they have in their relationship once the kids leave. Granted you still have two more kids at home, but it sounds as if your wife is already thinking about what life without kids look like. You on the other hand, just want things back to "normal." That's typical. No two people are going to approach change in the same way. A neutral third party can help you both deal with the transition you're facing--specifically in communicating your needs and desires, handling your feelings, addressing any differences, and resolving these, hopefully in a mutually satisfactory way.

 

Don't wait until things deteriorate even further to seek outside help. If you can nip problems in the bud, you have a better shot at success.

 

Best of luck!

[sandylee1]

Have you spoken to your friend about this? Not a good friend is he really

 

Have you considered marriage counselling?

 

Perhaps you need to indeed tinge in yourself too. Get fit. Don't pander to her needs, but suggest thingd you can do as a couple..... make yourself interesting and attractive.

[hestheone66]

She seems to be a free spirit which is something I can really relate to.

 

I was at the stage in my 30s where I found the routine too much and needed to break away.

 

I had an accommodating and sedate husband..I craved excitement and without much meaning to I fell for a bad boy and left my husband.

 

It was a very bad decision in hindsight..however I'm telling you that the nicer you are to her, the less respect she will have for you and she will stray and may leave.

 

Be firm and tell her she either values the marriage and family enough to try and fix it or you're leaving (look up the 180).. it may also be that the kids were the glue that kept two very incompatible people together...you may find that being apart makes you both happier

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for the reply. Good observation on the her son part. The emphasis there was intentional, as I was trying to convey that she had a child at a very young age, whereas we were together for 6 years before we had children together.

 

 

I've suggested marriage counseling and she refuses. This is part of the feeling of dread and peril that I have. I know the hard answer there, that being if she won't participate I don't have much of a way to go. I was hoping for a solution beyond my level of creativeness.

 

Okay. Makes sense that you were trying to give us a clearer picture.

 

What was her response when you suggested counseling?

 

If she is completely against individualized marriage counseling, another thing you could suggest is a marriage retreat. These retreats are often a weekend-long experience to help you reboot your marriage. The Gottman institute, John Gray, and other reputable marriage counselors all conduct marriage retreats.

 

If you observe a particular faith, you could also seek advice and guidance from your pastor, rabbi, etc--with or, if she remains unwilling, without your spouse. Ultimately though, it takes two to work on a marriage. One person alone can't do it.

 

Again, kudos for trying to work on your marriage as soon as you sensed a problem.

[MidlifeMama]

She's wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She is ready to break free from what she thinks she missed (Been there, am there). If she doesn't want counseling, AND also states she can not give you affection, how long are you willing to wait for her to get through her wanting fun? and hurting you?

 

You could try all kinds of things and it sounds like you have and are trying, but something has changed. She has work to do on herself. She actually said to you she can not give you affection? A separation may be in store here, in my opinion.

 

She is wanting change, a different direction, some freedom. She is acting single while you're still very much married. It sucks for both people. I think you need to quit being a doormat and get serious about a strong conversation with her about what you both consider married stuff and what is not appropriate. She is hurting you. I get what she is feeling having been going through the same thing myself. It's hard to tell someone you want to be free, that the feelings may no longer be what they were, but you still care about your partner. I am sure she does still care for you and love you, but she wants to find herself. Midlife crisis? Maybe. Will it pass? Maybe, but you are not in the same frame of mind. You want marriage, she wants freedom.

 

You could have "Couple time" where you both find something you'd enjoy. She could have some girlfriend time alone, but it gets cloudy when there are attractions and that kind of thing going on. That friend is not your friend, he's flirting with your wife.... When people are vulnerable, they can lose their way. I did that. Not proud, but I did.

 

You have some decisions to make. Your wife does too. She can try to find herself within the marriage, hopefully without hurting you, but you need to speak up and tell her what is hurting you. Put the shoe on the other foot and ask her if the things she has done (texting, going out alone, telling you she can't provide affection, admitting attraction to someone else) ask her if it were you telling her this, would she really be o.k. with it? She would not!! Then ask her if she wants to stay together and work on it or is it over?

 

Sorry you are hurting, sorry to be blunt but you either fight for her, put up with this or get out. Best of luck!

[standtall]

You have to up your husband game and be the guy that she fell for years ago. And yes, that other guy is a threat to your marriage.

[Cephalopod]

Um....why don't you talk to your "friend" and tell him to back his ass off or things will get very unfriendly... before you tell his wife about the flirtations between him and your wife?

 

 

Why don't you try protecting your marriage?

[usa1ah]

Time to get off your butt and do something.

 

Hit the gym and start going out yourself.

 

Send your friends wife a text and let her know what is going on between the two of them.

 

Your wife is checking out and you can not stop her by playing the pick me game. Read No More Mr Nice Guy.

 

Stop following her like a lost puppy.

[Blanco]

Maybe I'm just jaded, but I read...

 

During the same time, she had started going out more often, once every couple weeks or so. Without me. Out to the beach, the store, the bar. All by herself...

 

She also lost a bunch of weight. I began to get suspicious, and snooped through her phone one night...

 

I found texts to my friend that were flirtatious in nature. Nothing overt or blatant, just flirty. I began to pay attention to their body language when we were out, and I didn't like it...

 

I've told her that I needed more from her in terms of affection / love, and she says she doesn't think she can give me that.

 

 

... and I think, something physical has already happened.

 

Perhaps the most damning part is her admitting she can't meet what, I assume, are pretty basic needs of love and attention from her. That to me says she's already engaged with this guy physically and now, ironically enough, would feel she's being unfaithful to him by showing you love and affection.

[Just a Guy]

Hi IMOH, tell me something. Why can you not ask your wife upfront whether she still wants to be married to you or if she wants her freedom to do as she pleases. Does your wife work? If so can she support herself on her own income? You have been given a lot of good advice by all the folk here especially Midlifemama. In fact she is speaking from experience of having been in your wife's position. So has hestheone66.

 

It has been said that if you love someone set them free. If they were meant to be with you they will return. If not well it was not meant to be. However that fact is no reflection on your own love. Just be decisive and do not stay in limbo. Warm wishes.

[hammyy2k]

your wife is cheating, you need to realize that and drill that in her head that is she doesnt cut off all contacts and pledge NC then you would be packing her bags soon.

 

as somebody has already smelled, something physical has happened, so need to start telling her to come clean and straight.

Edited October 8, 2017 by hammyy2k

[Marc878]

Better wake up. It's an emotional affair at this point andcsn blossom.

 

This is exactly how affairs start.

[inmyownhead]

I really appreciate the well thought out response, as well as your advice based on your own experience.

 

 

So, since this has all happened, I've really made all of the changes I think she would like, and have worked hard to do so. She has admitted that I have and shows appreciation.

 

 

I've been told I need to stop being so accommodating and nice. I am being told by multiple people I need to go out on my own. I work 50+ hours a week and she stays home. In my off time, I want to be with her and our kids. I don't want to go out socializing or drinking or find something else to do because to me that takes time away from my family. I get her needing some alone time and I'm trying to be understanding of that.

 

 

I guess what I'm asking is, and based on your experience, how, after so many years and knowing our current situation, do I get the respect and desire for romance back? Looking back to your situation, what could your SO have done to reverse the course?

 

 

I really appreciate your time and insight...

 

 

 

She's wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She is ready to break free from what she thinks she missed (Been there, am there). If she doesn't want counseling, AND also states she can not give you affection, how long are you willing to wait for her to get through her wanting fun? and hurting you?

 

You could try all kinds of things and it sounds like you have and are trying, but something has changed. She has work to do on herself. She actually said to you she can not give you affection? A separation may be in store here, in my opinion.

 

She is wanting change, a different direction, some freedom. She is acting single while you're still very much married. It sucks for both people. I think you need to quit being a doormat and get serious about a strong conversation with her about what you both consider married stuff and what is not appropriate. She is hurting you. I get what she is feeling having been going through the same thing myself. It's hard to tell someone you want to be free, that the feelings may no longer be what they were, but you still care about your partner. I am sure she does still care for you and love you, but she wants to find herself. Midlife crisis? Maybe. Will it pass? Maybe, but you are not in the same frame of mind. You want marriage, she wants freedom.

 

You could have "Couple time" where you both find something you'd enjoy. She could have some girlfriend time alone, but it gets cloudy when there are attractions and that kind of thing going on. That friend is not your friend, he's flirting with your wife.... When people are vulnerable, they can lose their way. I did that. Not proud, but I did.

 

You have some decisions to make. Your wife does too. She can try to find herself within the marriage, hopefully without hurting you, but you need to speak up and tell her what is hurting you. Put the shoe on the other foot and ask her if the things she has done (texting, going out alone, telling you she can't provide affection, admitting attraction to someone else) ask her if it were you telling her this, would she really be o.k. with it? She would not!! Then ask her if she wants to stay together and work on it or is it over?

 

Sorry you are hurting, sorry to be blunt but you either fight for her, put up with this or get out. Best of luck!

[inmyownhead]

Thank your for your reply. It sounds like your situation is/was like mine.

 

 

Short of one thing, I'm not sedate (sexually anyway). Maybe a little bit socially, but that wasn't always the case. I work 50+ hours per week and she stays home, so from a social standpoint, I prefer to spend time with my family. If I go out, I prefer it to be with my wife or my family.

 

 

My wife is in her 30's as well, and appears to crave excitement. If you don't mind me asking, was there anything back then your SO could have done to rectify or fix the situation? I'm hoping I've jumped in front of this in time, and I think I have.

 

 

I really want to be a better husband and companion, and I think I've made significant strides in doing so. I just really am at a loss for how to grow stronger / better from this as a couple going forward.

 

 

Again, I appreciate your response very much.

 

 

 

 

She seems to be a free spirit which is something I can really relate to.

 

I was at the stage in my 30s where I found the routine too much and needed to break away.

 

I had an accommodating and sedate husband..I craved excitement and without much meaning to I fell for a bad boy and left my husband.

 

It was a very bad decision in hindsight..however I'm telling you that the nicer you are to her, the less respect she will have for you and she will stray and may leave.

 

Be firm and tell her she either values the marriage and family enough to try and fix it or you're leaving (look up the 180).. it may also be that the kids were the glue that kept two very incompatible people together...you may find that being apart makes you both happier

[BluesPower]

Sorry buddy, she is...already sleeping with him. Yes, yes she is!

 

She is a board housewife that got introduced to this nice guy you met. And you sent them on a trip together.

 

And they are still in contact. What a fool.

 

Here you are playing Mr. Nice Guy, saying "OMG, is she having an affair?" and "Darling, I am not comfortable with your relationship with this guy."

 

Give me a break, you are not the one that has an issues except being a foolish man.

 

Listen, Do NOT CONFRONT HER AT ALL until you have proof, when you did that they started being more careful. And, BTW, everything that she said initially was straight out of the cheaters handbook. Everything!

 

So what do you do. But 2 or 3 VAR's (Voice activated recorders), hide one in the house where she usually goes to have a private conversation, hide one in her care, and hide one in your bedroom, and anywhere else that you think she may talk freely.

 

Next hire a PI and have her followed. In about 1 to 2 weeks you will have your proof and you can decide what to do.

 

For everyone that says that I am crazy and jumping the GUN, need I remind everyone that I have not missed a call in about 2 years.

 

To summarize, she is having an affair, ie. screwing another man, probably in your bed while you are at work, so it is time to wake up and put a stop to it.

 

WAKE UP...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Blues, this guy is not listening.He will accept anything his wife dishes out to him and still want to stick it out. He could walk in on her having sex in their marital bed and he would turn a blind eye. He does not come across as someone wanting to get out of infidelity. How does that saying go "Casting pearls before s.....e", well it amounts to something like that. The OP has been given a lot of good advice about how to handle his situation but he is just burying his head in the sand. Good luck to him.

[inmyownhead]

Blues & JAG,

 

 

I'm not going to lie, what you're saying is difficult to read. Not sure that I'm burying my head in the sand so much as I'm trying to determine what is really going on so I can proceed. You're right, I don't want to leave my wife. We have 3 kids. My parents divorced when I was young and it devastated me. On top of that, I do love her and am understanding as to how she may feel and what she may be going through. I haven't been a perfect husband either, though I've never had an affair. Ultimately I just want to feel like I'm getting the truth, whatever that may be. This way we can proceed with our lives and what we are or are not going to do. Does that make me weak in some way? I suppose. Vulnerable? Definitely. If she told me tomorrow that she was having a torrid affair with my friend would I leave her? I really don't know. I just want the truth. I just want to stop being sick over this daily. I want constant knot in my throat to go away.

 

 

I do appreciate your candor and the time you both took to reply. I'm not burying myself to your replies, just processing them.

 

 

Hi Blues, this guy is not listening.He will accept anything his wife dishes out to him and still want to stick it out. He could walk in on her having sex in their marital bed and he would turn a blind eye. He does not come across as someone wanting to get out of infidelity. How does that saying go "Casting pearls before s.....e", well it amounts to something like that. The OP has been given a lot of good advice about how to handle his situation but he is just burying his head in the sand. Good luck to him.

[lolablue17]

Yes, it's 50/50 that she's having an affair, more like 75% for the affair... Investigating for discovering the truth is one way to go, but it has nothing to do with your behavioe or actions. Let's say she isn't having any affair...

 

I believe that people project their own perception on their enviroment. If you don't respect yourslef, if you feel no dignity, if you feel needy, than that is what you project "This is my opinion about myself - I'm needy, I'm a doormat, I have no real value". She gets that, and immediatelly she adopt your approach. It means she doesn't really appreciate you on that matter.

 

You should try to do the opposite. You should grow some balls and be valueable to yourself first. You should think "To be married to me you have to invest a lot. You should feel very lucky to have me". It means that you should nock some fists on the table. Let her initiate divorce, if she wants. why should you?

 

If you are expensive, show it and act like one. Because right now you're very cheap + on sale with a big discount.

[Blanco]

I would probably be in the same bout of denial as you, OP. You've got a lot invested in all of this, and you'd be willing to do just about anything to not uproot it all and destroy it. But sacrificing your pride shouldn't be one of them.

 

I've never been directly in your shoes, but I can say from hearing and reading countless stories over the years that if she's having an emotional/physical affair with this guy, there isn't anything you can do that's going to make her snap out of it. If anything, you running yourself ragged trying to finally appease her is only going to reinforce the idea in her head that she can have her cake and eat it, too.

 

It's easier for us to say, but allowing her to be indecisive about whether she wants this guy or her HUSBAND is only telling her that she's in complete control. Because unless you've been a monster, there's no reason why this should even be a decision she gets time to consider.

[BluesPower]

Blues & JAG,

 

I'm not going to lie, what you're saying is difficult to read. Not sure that I'm burying my head in the sand so much as I'm trying to determine what is really going on so I can proceed. You're right, I don't want to leave my wife. We have 3 kids. My parents divorced when I was young and it devastated me. On top of that, I do love her and am understanding as to how she may feel and what she may be going through. I haven't been a perfect husband either, though I've never had an affair. Ultimately I just want to feel like I'm getting the truth, whatever that may be. This way we can proceed with our lives and what we are or are not going to do. Does that make me weak in some way? I suppose. Vulnerable? Definitely. If she told me tomorrow that she was having a torrid affair with my friend would I leave her? I really don't know. I just want the truth. I just want to stop being sick over this daily. I want constant knot in my throat to go away.

 

I do appreciate your candor and the time you both took to reply. I'm not burying myself to your replies, just processing them.

 

For the record...

 

There is really not a question as to whether she is having an affair or not, because she it, it is almost 100%.

 

The questions are:

 

1) How long?

2) Can you/will you find proof?

3) What are you going to do about it?

 

But you can really just stop wondering...

[Just a Guy]

Hi IMOH, I read your OP again and then your combined response to what BluesPower and I had posted. I have some observations and while they may seem harsh treat them like bitter medicine. In your OP you have said that you grew concerned about your wife's sudden social life and also the fact that she lost weight etc. What you experienced was your gut telling you that your wife had already or was on the brink of having an affair both emotional and physical. You say you got in front of it just in time. In reality you were about a year behind her and her rate of acceleration is much greater than yours. By letting her know that you were suspicious about her activities and that you had snooped on her phone, you killed any chance of being able to catch her and you gave her ample warning for her to take the whole thing underground. Your wife is, I think, much smarter than you at least in matters related to cheating and infidelity and she is already spinning circles around you.

 

The thing is you keep reiterating that you want to know what the exact situation is and whether she is cheating or if she is completely fed up of you and so on and so forth. You say you have busted your a.. trying to become a better man in the mould that she wants you to be (Or at least your perception of what she expects you to be.). What you are doing is making yourself a puppet and handing over the strings to her for her to make you dance to her tune. If you recall old songs there used to be one titled "Puppet on a string". That sums up your situation succinctly. While wanting to know the facts on the ground you say that you are not prepared to break up your family and divorce your wife. If that be the case then you should just suck up whatever she is doling out to you and be happy to be in a one sided open marriage. The whole idea of wanting to know the real situation on ground is for you to take a decision as to whether you want to stay in this marriage or not depending on the extent of your wife's betrayal of you. If in any case you are going to do nothing then why bother with what she is doing? Just carry on regardless. The point you are missing is that you are trying your desperate best to nice your wife back and the more you do that the further you are driving her away. You said it yourself in one of your posts. The reason for driving her away is that she is losing respect for you by the minute. Remember what BryanP says about self respect. If you do not respect yourself who else will? I think most old folks on here will advise you to get a copy of the book " No more Mr. Nice Guy". Get it and read it. Also, start the 180 with your wife. Someone else may be able to guide you as to where to find it and explain it's finer points to you.

 

You say you do not want to break up your family but what if your wife ups and leaves with her OM? Fact is your family is already broken up and what remains is just a facade. Talk to the guys and gals on here who have been through the mill and they will tell you about all the pitfalls and heartache and also ways and means on how to minimize your pain. I think this is the best place for someone in infidelity to get good solid advice on how to handle things successfully. Wish you all the very best.

[Blanco]

I actually think your wife is doing you a favor. She's not paying you any lip service. She's being straight up about her indecisiveness regarding you and the other man. I'm sure it's devastating in the moment, but just think if you two went through months or years of marriage counseling, only to discover later that she had never intended to really reinvest in the marriage.

 

I think the other guy having is a wife is really the main thing even keeping your wife on the fence about this. She does not seem to hold your marriage or your family unit to the same high valuation that you do.

 

Again, it's easy for me to say, but if I were you, I'd ask myself if I really want to be married to someone who sounds so uninterested in repairing and nurturing the marriage for the sake of the whole family.