Just having a hard time understanding

[maxximus910]

Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

 

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didn’t give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

 

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

Edited October 3, 2017 by maxximus910
addition

[submart]

Sorry about your situation.

 

How long have you been together?

Has she ever dated anybody else? And for how long?

Did she ever have a period where she was single? And for how long?

[maxximus910]

Thank you submart.

 

We met in 2009. She was 20 and I was 21. Boyfriend and girlfriend from 2010-2015. Married in 2015. So a total of 7 years together in a relationship. 2 of which married.

She had a boyfriend in high school from age 15-19. He cheated on her and got her friend pregnant. That really did some damage to her. I am the second guy she has been with.

She was single and lived alone for about two years. She would always tell me how much she disliked living alone.

[maxximus910]

We are opposites, and that is why we were drawn to each other. She expresses her emotions freely, while I have trouble showing how I feel (but am improving on that). Neither one of us got to experience the college/party scene.

 

We are pleasant and show respect to each other during the brief interactions that we do currently have.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill

[PegNosePete]

I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well.

She's lying.

 

I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me.

It is great that you're improving yourself! But you should be doing it for YOU, not for her. She has made it clear that she is not interested in a reconciliation. You need to wake up and smell the coffee here. She is not going to change her mind. And if she does, do you really want to be married to someone who bails on the marriage without even trying? Don't you think she will bail again at the slightest sign of trouble? That is no way to live.

 

She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart

Yes, "friendship" is impossible. Don't even attempt it, it will just extend your heart ache. The best thing you can do right now is to separate as much as possible.

 

And if you haven't already, SEE A LAWYER.

 

I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

Well the trouble is, she doesn't want to. It takes 2 to tango and she mas made it totally clear that she is not interested in getting through it.

[40somethingGuy]

Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

 

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didn’t give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

 

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

 

I smell cheating for sure. You never mention the red flags but really think about how she has acted in the time leading up to this revelation. Does she guard her phone, change passwords, find reasons for going out without you, did you spend inordinate amount of time apart? Check the phone bill and look for reoccurring numbers in voice and text. Do some snooping. Can you look back at the computer history? If its there then you get insight. If its deleted then she is hiding something. Sounds like you are so distraught over her leaving that you haven't taken time to investigate what happened to lead up to this. I don't buy this 'need to stand on her own two feet' thing. That is code for 'I want to screw other men and I have someone in mind (if she hasn't already).' Faithful married women (as she said she was) don't just come out and leave their man without a replacement in order. Do some snooping. Hire a PI if you have to. She can claim to have been faithful now b/c she hasn't been caught. If she dislikes living alone then why would she all of a sudden want to now? Maybe she got into an EA with someone online which would explain moving far away. But I am telling you there is someone in the picture and you need to figure it out and get a lawyer like yesterday if not already!

Edited October 4, 2017 by 40somethingGuy

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

Cheating or no cheating.. this takes a lot:

 

- took a lot for her to tell you she wants to end the relationship

- took a lot to go through the courts to have you served with divorce papers

- took a lot to tell you she would rather go forward in life without you

- took a lot to tell you she wants to move somewhere new, have new experiences without you

 

She's already considered your feelings, she's talked to friends/family about what this will look like or how you will feel. Then she's talked to them about how great being single would be, how she can do anything, date anyone without having to answer to anyone... and did the things above.

 

Give her what she wants. Get the divorce done and delete yourself from her life.

[SaveYourHeart]

Good for you for going to al-anon and individual counseling! I hope you'll keep going!

 

So about the wife, she's made up her mind, whether she was faithful or not faithful doesn't matter at this point. I know as a co-dependent person, I get caught up in the "WHY"s and the "WHAT CAN I DO"s, when really I should be focusing on myself, my mental health, and my own happiness. It's going to be hard to let her go, but right now you don't have any other choice. She's leaving. That's it. Don't let yourself obsess over the reasoning, it's not going to help you heal. Just keep doing what you're doing for your mental health and you'll be fine darling.

[magnesium]

So about the wife, she's made up her mind, whether she was faithful or not faithful doesn't matter at this point.

 

I disagree.

 

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

 

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.

 

He should know these things.

[somanymistakes]

I disagree.

 

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

 

Yeah, but on the other hand, if it's not true, you guys are taking a vulnerable guy and trying to make him even more hurt and paranoid.

 

It may be worth taking a look to see if anything's been missed. But insisting to him that it's DEFINITELY true, and that if he hasn't found evidence he just hasn't looked hard enough, is not good for his mental health.

 

(I've seen threads on here with people who even if no evidence was found for YEARS would continue to insist that there MUST be cheating, because why else would you be posting on LS at all?)

 

Divorce is a very difficult and painful process, and obsessing over the past and the things you cannot change is NOT a healthy way to move forward.

 

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.

 

She can end the relationship any way she wants, for any reason. It doesn't matter if it's fair, or respectful, or if it makes any sense. It's important to know that, in order to come to terms with what happens.

 

There's no referee you can go and plead to, to say that the way your spouse is leaving you isn't fair and force a do-over.

[SaveYourHeart]

I disagree.

 

It's important that he knows if his wife was faithful or not, because if she did cheat, he missed all the red flags. He needs to be aware of the subtle changes in his wife, so he can identify these things in future relationships.

 

Also, it's disrespectful to the OP if his wife fed him a BS story about "exploring the world" when in reality she was cheating on him. She can't end the relationship like that, she basically gets HER way out w/o guilt from being caught, and she lied to the OP.

 

He should know these things.

 

 

Where is your evidence that she was cheating? Believe it or not, some people don't cheat and then ask for a divorce. Some people are just not happy or are having a crisis. I totally get his wife's mentality, I struggle with it every day. I've never been alone and I wonder how my life would be different if I was alone and allowed to discover myself again. That's not my husband's fault, it's just that I'm constantly getting older and I've never been independent. Sometimes it is simply that. You have no proof or reason to believe she was cheating. OP is doing important work on his mental health and instead of supporting that, you're promoting paranoia and obsession which is grossly negligent.

 

In addition, you don't get to decide how someone leaves you or if they're punished for it. It's like you're telling a parent how to discipline their child. That's not how it works. So before offering advice to people in difficult situations, please think about if you're really helping them or if you're actually hurting them.

[Lance01]

Hello. I'm recently separated from my wife. Please if anyone can help me understand.

 

Married at ages 26 & 27. Wife wants divorce after two years of marriage. Cried hysterically when she had me served with divorce papers telling me how much she loves and cares for me. Says she needs to be on her own again and stand on her own two feet. Says she neglected herself by giving too much of herself and needs to get it back. I am still in love with her. I never even thought about cheating on her, and she says that she was faithful all along as well. Neither one of us abused each other or drugs/alcohol. Both have great jobs. Went to counseling with her before she served me papers. I realize the mistakes that I made and am doing everything possible to address and correct them. She was my first serious relationship and I made a lot of rookie mistakes. I told her I am willing to do whatever it takes for her to change her mind, but she says that she is confident with her decision. We both entered the relationship with unresolved childhood issues. Her mother didn’t give her the attention that she needed and never really taught her how to be a woman. My father left and chose alcohol over his family when I was 3 years old. I admit my faults and I know that I struggled in the communication department. We now have been living separate for over a month. I continue to seek counseling, have attended al-anon meetings, have started reading self-help books, have started journaling, am trying to change jobs for a better schedule, getting back into shape, and have given her the space that she has requested. I know that I am improving myself and can be the man that she needs me to be, but I don’t know how to show her because she needs her space and she doesn’t want to talk to me. We see each other once a week to exchange our dog that we have together. We have no children. Everything has been separated and the savings split 50/50. She got the car that we had together with no argument. The only thing left that we have together is the dog. She plans on moving away to start a new life somewhere she has never been before on her own. She wants to experience new things by herself.

 

I drive myself crazy everyday trying to understand why she won't give me a second chance. She says that a friendship is a second chance. It will be hard for me to be friends with her since she has stomped on my heart and is trying to take everything from me. We are both great responsilbe people and were raised the right way. I know that if we could get through this we would be stronger than ever.

 

 

You're being way too hard on yourself. You didn't make any mistakes, but simply your relationship came to an end.

 

You're really not in a bad situation in that your wife doesn't hate you and is making things difficult but that she just wants to part ways.

 

I know its hard and you really love her but just let her go. You do need to hire an attorney.

[magnesium]

Where is your evidence that she was cheating? Believe it or not, some people don't cheat and then ask for a divorce. Some people are just not happy or are having a crisis. I totally get his wife's mentality, I struggle with it every day. I've never been alone and I wonder how my life would be different if I was alone and allowed to discover myself again. That's not my husband's fault, it's just that I'm constantly getting older and I've never been independent. Sometimes it is simply that. You have no proof or reason to believe she was cheating. OP is doing important work on his mental health and instead of supporting that, you're promoting paranoia and obsession which is grossly negligent.

 

In addition, you don't get to decide how someone leaves you or if they're punished for it. It's like you're telling a parent how to discipline their child. That's not how it works. So before offering advice to people in difficult situations, please think about if you're really helping them or if you're actually hurting them.

 

I'm all in support of the OP doing his mental health care to make himself better. I've been there too personally. I want to help the OP, and I stated my opinion. If he chooses not too listen to me, that's fine too.

 

As for proof, no I don't have any proof, and I don't need proof to offer a suggestion. Some people are very clever at hiding their affairs. I would never known I was being cheated on until my ex's friends starting leaking info to me. Once I realised the truth, all the red flags in the past suddenly popped out like neon billboards.

 

And it isn't about punishing the other person per say, it's about self-validation. I agree we can't "punish" the other person, and that's not the point. I just didn't want the OP to be in the dark. Having my experience validated helped me a lot in the "letting go" process.

 

And I'd like to add, yes it does hurt more to find these things out, I'm not arguing that. But half of that pain was sort of directed at myself like, "how can I have been so blind?" Basically, the truth snapped me out of my naivety.

 

SaveYourHeart, from reading your post, it sounds like you were in a similar position once as the OP's wife, and I can see how you can relate/empathise from your point of view. I am simply offering my point of view from a different perspective.

Edited October 6, 2017 by magnesium

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maxximus, how are you doing now? It's been sometime since some one last posted on your thread. I do hope that in the mean time you have started to regain some of your composure and the grief of having been ditched like this has started to ebb. I must say that your wife really ambushed you with this decision to divorce. Did she in the weeks and months preceding her decision display any signs that she was not happy and was wanting to separate? How was your relationship in the months prior to her separating from you? Was it quite normal and loving or had she started pulling away and had become distant? Had she ever complained about anything in your relationship or about you personally leading up to this separation? One doesn't just up and end a relationship overnight if everything has been smooth sailing. I agree with some of the other posters that there may have been some one else in the back ground and this fact will emerge very soon once your divorce is through.

 

Looking at things the way they have transpired I have to say that you are likely much better off without this girl in your life. A person who is ambivalent about something as serious as a marriage and suddenly decides after having partaken of it for a while, that it is not something he/she wants to be involved in when everything is quite normal and there are no upheavals in the marriage meriting a break up, is someone who is just not mature enough and worthy enough to be given the status of a spouse. If your wife had any reservations these should have emerged while you were dating and engaged. To go through the process of getting married and letting someone else place their trust and offer their love to you and then to ditch them like this displays a very shallow and selfish personality. You are well done being rid of her. With these traits who knows what other dastardly trick she would have pulled on you in the future. Just thank your lucky stars and start your search for a woman you can rely on to have your back at all times. Do not grieve for her. She is not worth the paper on which your vows were made. Have a happy life without her in it. Warm wishes.

[maxximus910]

First of all, I would like to thank you all for your replies. They are very much appreciated.

 

Over the past couple of months that I’ve been going to counseling and reading I’ve really learned a lot. She shows many symptoms of bipolar and/or HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). Which really would explain a lot. She would constantly seek approval and need for center of attention. Also throwing fits like a child when she wouldn’t get her way.

 

We have now been separated for 2 months and have the court hearing coming up in 2 weeks. As for the months leading up to the separation. She had been on medication (for as long as I’ve known her) to treat her anxiety. We were attempting to get pregnant when her doctor told her that her meds were no longer working, and that it wasn’t a good idea to be on them while trying to get pregnant. So she stopped taking them cold turkey. During this time, she became severely depressed and started to see a counselor. She asked me to go with her to counseling which I was hesitant at first, but then I did end up going. I really noticed her distancing herself from me especially after counseling. She then started to hang out with friends that she made while working some local music festivals whom lived in Los Angeles. She would go to L.A. every other weekend or so (we live 2 hours from Los Angeles) to visit with them. This was okay with me because I work weekends, and wanted her to have a good time since I couldn’t be there. She would come back on Sunday nights and tell me what a great time she had in L.A. and I would notice her becoming more and more distant from me each time she returned. It was after returning from one of these trips she told me that she was done with this marriage and will be moving out on her own. It turns out these so called friends in L.A. were encouraging her to move in with them since she was telling them how unhappy she was in her marriage.

We currently see the same counselor separately. The therapist insists that there is no affair and says that it is something I deserve to be told if there was someone else.

She complained of my poor communication (which is true, it wasn’t the greatest). I also had trouble expressing my feelings/emotions. The way she would come at me with her “sea of emotions” was overwhelming, and I just didn’t know how to respond so I would just shut down. I have owned up to my faults and am addressing them head on. I’ve had people, that I’ve known my whole life, tell me recently that this is the most that they have seen me communicate ever. She has deleted all of my friends and family from her social media. She is currently in the process of searching for a job in Los Angeles and will be quitting the great job that she has here after the court hearing.

 

Months prior to all of this, she said that if she wasn’t pregnant by her 29th birthday, she was going to “lose her mind”. Shortly after she said that, everything started to unwind.

I have tried so hard to make sense of all of this, and have realized that it will never make sense because there is no sense to be made.

It turns out all of my family never really like her, and were just pretending to like her because they knew I loved her. They have also said that I have probably dodged a bullet.

She would constantly pressure me for children which only pushed me away from the idea further since I already have enough pressure on me.

 

I have come to the conclusion that she was really just putting on an act to get what she wanted in our relationship. She got everything she wanted except for children, and this is the giant temper tantrum that she is throwing. I do believe that this is who she was before we ever met, and she was just trying to be someone she really wasn’t while with me. I am so grateful that we don’t have children together, because I do believe all of this was bound to happen and she was a ticking time bomb.

 

I’ve asked her why she is doing all of this. She says that it is what she needs to do to get better and is not capable of being in a relationship the way that she is currently. She feels stuck with where she is at, and needs to move away to a place she has never lived before for a fresh start. She has moved 9 times in 7 years, and I was along for the ride for 7 of those moves. I had never moved before in my life until I met her. She starts to feel very uncomfortable once the daily routine of life begins to settle in.

 

I am currently practicing the no contact method to detach. All conversations are initiated by her. She called me the other day, and we actually did have a pleasant conversation which was nice.

 

As for me, I am just focusing on myself. I am still going to counseling, reading, working, going to the gym and getting myself out there back into the dating world. I know that I am going to make a great partner for my next relationship with all that I have learned.

 

Thank you all.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maxximus, it's great to read your last post. I just re read my post on your thread and somehow or the other things that I asked or implied seem to have been at the core of your problems with your wife. Of course you have been given a name for it but for all practical purposes it just means that she is not good wife material and whoever she latches on to will face the same problems with her as you have. So I would say good for you that you are rid of her. I only hope she does not have an epiphany and come running back to you to take her back. That too, is a possibility when her rose coloured glasses fall off and she finds that there is no one to catch her when she falls.

 

At any rate keep up with what you are doing and have a good life. Warm wishes.

[BluesPower]

With out a doubt, based on your last post...

 

OP, she is having an affair, not doubt about it. At this stage of your life, let her go.

 

You are not equipped to deal with this yet, you are too young. It is better to let it go and learn about yourself and find another woman.

 

It will be better that way...

[40somethingGuy]

With out a doubt, based on your last post...

 

OP, she is having an affair, not doubt about it. At this stage of your life, let her go.

 

You are not equipped to deal with this yet, you are too young. It is better to let it go and learn about yourself and find another woman.

 

It will be better that way...

 

 

Agreed. She is gonna screw someone that will give her that baby on her timeline. Of course she wants to 'win over' the therapist and will say no affair (she hasn't been caught) and 'you'd deserve to know.' Sure, you would deserve to know until she is caught and guess what...she was never going to tell you. Thank God no kids. You're young enough to not have to feel like you have a midlife crisis.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maxximus, how are you getting along? I wanted to ask by when you think your divorce will be through? Are you moving around with friends and socializing? I know that it may be early days as yet but it would do you no harm to be seen around in the company of girls. I guess that would cause your stbx wife to sit up and take notice because that will send her a notice that she no longer figures in your scheme of things and you are already moving ahead in your life. I am sure you will get a an emotionally angry reaction from her when she gets to know. However, it will drive home to her that you are not hanging on to her petticoat strings any more and are now a new man. That is a lesson she needs to learn. Warm wishes.

[maxximus910]

Hey all!

Thought I'd check in after 17 months with an update... Wow, it is amazing how much can heal over time.

Divorce was final in April of 2018. The process took about 7 months.

I quit my job (which I was miserable at), and took a two week long roadtrip completely by myself (which was awesome!). Then moved to the other side of the country to start a new life. Best decision of my life. Learned what it was like to be all alone for awhile, and I was okay with that. Dated for a bit which was fun. Then met someone new who I actually get along great with and have so many common interests!

As for the ex, she got pregnant 3 months after the divorce was finalized and remarried 3 months after that. I literally felt the bullet wizzing my head. Wow did I dodge that one! We haven't spoken since court one year ago.

 

Cheers!

[Blind-Sided]

Congrats on getting through it, and coming out positive. I wish my wife would have done that. We have kids, and is dragging me through... well... crap, right now.

 

 

Thanks for the update. It helps the ones in it right now.

[chryssy83]

As for the ex, she got pregnant 3 months after the divorce was finalized and remarried 3 months after that. I literally felt the bullet wizzing my head. Wow did I dodge that one! We haven't spoken since court one year ago.

 

Cheers!

 

 

So happy to hear she’s finally standing on her own two feet without the burden of marriage weighing her down!

[maxximus910]

So happy to hear she’s finally standing on her own two feet without the burden of marriage weighing her down!

 

 

I know right!? haha. Best of luck to the new dude. He is going to need it!

[2.50 a gallon]

Thanks for the update.

I was devastated when my wife and I broke up. We have been divorced some 30 years.

A few years back I Googled her name and found some photos.

Talk about dodging a bullet, the years have not been kind to her. Think Harry Potter's aunt that he turns into a ballon.

While for the past 23 years I have shared my life with a now grandmother who still has an hour glass figure and a flat stomach. And she is the sweetest most giving person I have ever met.