babybrowns Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 (edited) Hello everyone, I'm having a problem that's been bothering me for a while, I wonder if I could have some help/insight. My LDR boyfriend of just over a year seems to have zero possessiveness over me. I don't want it to sound like I want him to be that 'jealous/controlling' boyfriend, but he doesn't even have the normal levels and it makes me wonder why. If I ever tell him about other guys approaching me (which I don't do very much), he simply doesn't care and puts it down to 'they must have wanted something else'/ 'you must have looked lost so he spoke to you' 'your funny shoes made him look at you!'. Even when this happens right in front of him. This one time, my boyfriend and I were in the train and this creepy guy was ogling me, my boyfriend had his back to him and when I told him about it he turned, saw that the man 'wasn't actually' looking and sarcastically said to me "I don't think he is..." and that was that. The other thing is that my boyfriend actually encourages me to go on girls nights out, knowing that my social life is a little quiet. I don't know any guy who has even the slightest attraction for their girlfriend that would be so comfortable with something like that, let alone encourage it. Does this all seem a bit like my partner doesn't find me much of a catch? Edited October 5, 2017 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 You might want to re-read this thread you posted several months ago. Good answers here. Did you read these? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/625312-strange-if-your-boyfriend-never-gets-jealous-about-anything 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Have you ever thought of the nice compliment he gives you, that he trusts you? Believe me, that is nice to have in a relationship that he trusts you. when your SO gets upset and there was no intent, the drama makes things not as fun. (definitely a mood killer) He also may be too trusting of people. That will change, because getting burned by "friends" etc, makes you not so trusting. I knew and worked with a co-worker, another man, for over 20 years. He stabbed me in the back, not with a knife, but with something that he did and I get sued. So I have to deal with the lawsuit, in time, attorney fees, loss or reputation, etc. Yes I explain it was something he did, but I still look like fool for thinking he was a good person for so long. Enjoy your relationship. Hope soon he is not long distance. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Jealousy & possessiveness do not equal love. They are actually negative characteristics. Be happy he trusts you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I have to wonder if he knows you're trying to get a reaction out of him and he's smart enough not to play into it. I have men look at me, approach me, etc. and I don't see a need to report it to my boyfriend when it happens. When you have to do what you do, it smells of insecurity and immaturity -- specifically in your situation when it is clear you are trying to provoke a response. Jealousy/possessiveness aren't healthy traits. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 I have to wonder if he knows you're trying to get a reaction out of him and he's smart enough not to play into it. I have men look at me, approach me, etc. and I don't see a need to report it to my boyfriend when it happens. When you have to do what you do, it smells of insecurity and immaturity -- specifically in your situation when it is clear you are trying to provoke a response. Jealousy/possessiveness aren't healthy traits. This is the thing. Initially I never told him about these incidences, but due to other things building up my insecurity/ his indifferent reaction when I just told him about one such incident, it started building up. He has never been jealous and he never will be, even if a man is bothering me right in front of him. I just don't get it Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Why don't you understand that he's not jealous because there is no reason to be? He trusts you. He knows you are loyal so there is no reason for him to get all upset. That does not mean he's taking you for granted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyRose Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Hello everyone, I'm having a problem that's been bothering me for a while, I wonder if I could have some help/insight. My LDR boyfriend of just over a year seems to have zero possessiveness over me. I don't want it to sound like I want him to be that 'jealous/controlling' boyfriend, but he doesn't even have the normal levels and it makes me wonder why. If I ever tell him about other guys approaching me (which I don't do very much), he simply doesn't care and puts it down to 'they must have wanted something else'/ 'you must have looked lost so he spoke to you' 'your funny shoes made him look at you!'. Even when this happens right in front of him. This one time, my boyfriend and I were in the train and this creepy guy was ogling me, my boyfriend had his back to him and when I told him about it he turned, saw that the man 'wasn't actually' looking and sarcastically said to me "I don't think he is..." and that was that. The other thing is that my boyfriend actually encourages me to go on girls nights out, knowing that my social life is a little quiet. I don't know any guy who has even the slightest attraction for their girlfriend that would be so comfortable with something like that, let alone encourage it. Does this all seem a bit like my partner doesn't find me much of a catch? Just be happy he has total trust in you. You are LDR so he just wants you to enjoy life and have fun with your girls. My bf is the same way. He doesn't really get jealous. He encourages me to go have fun and relax (we are also LDR). If I tell him about guys hitting on me he just laughs and tease me more. He said that it's expected guys will hit on me or approach me because I'm beautiful. He would actually wonder if no guy will want me considering that I am an attractive woman. He said it's flattering for him because he's the lucky guy that I chose to be with knowing that I have options. He trusts me completely and knows I won't do anything stupid. If you are telling your bf that some guy is bothering you and that it has negative effect on you like you're freaked out by it, then he should show some concern and comfort you. He should make sure you feel safe. But if you're just telling it to him like you just want to whine about it or make it sound like you're trying to get him jealous then I can understand why you won't get any reaction from him. If he trusts you and he's a confident guy, then he will for sure won't react. Plus whatever the case may be, he probably don't want to make you think he's insecure. So don't focus on that. Focus on how he treats you overall. Does he make you happy and does he make you smile and laugh? This isn't an issue my dear. Relax and be happy you have a confident guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 Sounds like bliss to me, it would mean I could just get on with and enjoy the relationship in a healthy way. But then I don't understand the need to report guys looking at you or anything to him, is that to get some kind of reaction? It does sound like he is simply not going to play that game from his responses. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 He trusts you. That's a sign of a healthy partner, and a healthy relationship. Jealousy/possessivenes and a need to control are symptoms of a very unhealthy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 OP, your bf sounds like me. Once I've established a healthy, exclusive relationship, I am confident enough in myself to 'let go' or 'freely' enjoy the relationship w/o adding any more angst than necessary. I suspect that your bf feels good about himself (and you) and enjoys being able go with the flow. Most secure guys/gals don't worry about the small stuff as they are aware of their own value and if anyone makes the mistake of doing something foolish, they are strong enough to move on knowing that the other person is the one who loses. For now, I would chalk it up to confidence and security. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted October 6, 2017 Author Share Posted October 6, 2017 (edited) Just be happy he has total trust in you. You are LDR so he just wants you to enjoy life and have fun with your girls. My bf is the same way. He doesn't really get jealous. He encourages me to go have fun and relax (we are also LDR). If I tell him about guys hitting on me he just laughs and tease me more. He said that it's expected guys will hit on me or approach me because I'm beautiful. He would actually wonder if no guy will want me considering that I am an attractive woman. He said it's flattering for him because he's the lucky guy that I chose to be with knowing that I have options. He trusts me completely and knows I won't do anything stupid. If you are telling your bf that some guy is bothering you and that it has negative effect on you like you're freaked out by it, then he should show some concern and comfort you. He should make sure you feel safe. But if you're just telling it to him like you just want to whine about it or make it sound like you're trying to get him jealous then I can understand why you won't get any reaction from him. If he trusts you and he's a confident guy, then he will for sure won't react. Plus whatever the case may be, he probably don't want to make you think he's insecure. So don't focus on that. Focus on how he treats you overall. Does he make you happy and does he make you smile and laugh? This isn't an issue my dear. Relax and be happy you have a confident guy. What you describe is what the deficiency is with my issues. My boyfriend has, unfortunately, never said I am beautiful, never complimented my appearance, and never makes me feel like he is the lucky guy who got a good catch. When I was feeling vulnerable that time on the train I was with him, he responded with sarcasm and disbelief rather than concern and willingness to make me feel safe. Some people would read that and ask me why I am with someone who doesn't make me feel desired, the truth is he is great in other ways. I think this is an issue that cannot be solved, I either take this as it is or leave it. Edited October 6, 2017 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 His lack of jealousy or possessiveness isn't really your problem. I think by now you recognize that those aren't good / mature signs of caring. Your issue is that you aren't getting anything from him. In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. You are seeking negative reinforcement not because you erroneously think it's a good thing but because in the absence of positive affirmation from him, like any human being, you will seek out negative attention because that is often easier to come by. I'm not finding fault but with this new info in your latest post, I am encouraging you to take a cold hard look at what you have because it may very well be lacking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) His lack of jealousy or possessiveness isn't really your problem. I think by now you recognize that those aren't good / mature signs of caring. Your issue is that you aren't getting anything from him. In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. You are seeking negative reinforcement not because you erroneously think it's a good thing but because in the absence of positive affirmation from him, like any human being, you will seek out negative attention because that is often easier to come by. I'm not finding fault but with this new info in your latest post, I am encouraging you to take a cold hard look at what you have because it may very well be lacking. Thanks for this insight. It does make some sense, I've never got that positive affirmation from him and so might be trying to look for it in this unhealthy way now which is still doing nothing. It is lacking, but as I said the rest of it is good, not something I want to throw away. Thank you though everyone for your help. Edited October 7, 2017 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Personally l think zero is a bit weird no matter how much he trusts ya. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Why do you tell your boyfriend about other guys hitting on you? That is unnecessary. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 OP, your bf sounds like me. Once I've established a healthy, exclusive relationship, I am confident enough in myself to 'let go' or 'freely' enjoy the relationship w/o adding any more angst than necessary. I suspect that your bf feels good about himself (and you) and enjoys being able go with the flow. Most secure guys/gals don't worry about the small stuff as they are aware of their own value and if anyone makes the mistake of doing something foolish, they are strong enough to move on knowing that the other person is the one who loses. For now, I would chalk it up to confidence and security. I agree but I don't wait until anything is established or formal in order to "let go". Jealousy is such a pointless emotion. Whether you are jealous or not a person will do or not do what they were going to do anyway. Interesting, jealousy often has the opposite effect in that it will push people away and make them leave - causing the very thing the jealous person fears most. I have however seen many women who use your jealousy as a barometer for how much you care - only to complain you are too jealous later on. OP - I agree with what was said about you not getting positive confirmation so you are seeking it in negative. Instead of rushing to judgement and posting for advice here, why not talk to your bf about how this makes you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Personally l think zero is a bit weird no matter how much he trusts ya. I have to agree with this. Yes, there shouldn't be jealousy and possessiveness in a healthy relationship. But, we are all humans and it's natural for most people to feel a tinge of jealousy if someone hits on their significant other. My bf trusts me completely and is very confident and secure. But, if he finds out someone hits on me when he's not around, he doesn't like it. I think the absence of positive affirmations and the complete uncaring attitude towards other men hitting on you/bothering you makes him seem a bit apathetic and not invested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly5545 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Jealousy & possessiveness do not equal love. They are actually negative characteristics. Be happy he trusts you. I agree,my boyfriend is the same way Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts