How to be "cool" or is it something you're born with?

[Cookiesandough]

My entire life I have been socially awkward. I think it is currently the biggest obstacle I am facing in reaching my dating goals.

 

 

I know this sounds immature, but I can't think of a better term to use.

 

Like everyone else, I'm attracted to 'cool' and charismatic people.

 

 

Even when I use slang it comes out really awkward. I've had a guy make fun of me because I said a place was "poppin"(busy, populous) He said "that's the whitest way of saying 'poppin' I've ever heard," put on this stereotypical accent and teased, "Becky, this place is quite popping."

 

I felt so ashamed but I pretended to laugh...

 

I could probably learn to better laugh at myself if it weren't so true and such a hang up for me. I was even bullied in high school which I think was hugely impactful.

 

I think it's in my physiology as well. My voice sort of randomly goes everywhere when I'm excited. I can't get control of it. Also, my legs and arms that are kind of hard to find a place for. Think like a newborn baby giraffe with long wobbly legs that kind of go everywhere all awkwardly as they try to find their footing.

 

I was on a date recently and the guy implied I am not cool. We had talked a lot. I said I was a bit nerdy in high school. He said that doesn't surprise him. I glared at him thinking maybe it was just his deadpan humor but he didn't crack and said, "I mean, I can kind of see it." (It wasn't a "neg" because this guy didn't want sex with me and so there was nothing to be gained by it.)

 

 

There's just not a single 'cool' bone in my body. Will this be a huge hindrance in my dating life? Are guys looking for cool? Is there any way to fix this or mask it a bit? Thanks

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

Cool is relative to different people, but I think the best answer is to immerse yourself in the things you are passionate about and become the best at them. Then others who like those things will think you're cool.

[Cookiesandough]

Cool is relative to different people, but I think the best answer is to immerse yourself in the things you are passionate about and become the best at them. Then others who like those things will think you're cool.

 

Thanks peraph. That's true. I noticed when people talk they have a natural flow to their...(don't know the linguistic term for this) way of speaking. People in all different subculture talk in a certain way, but it's natural, flowing, cohesive. I speak very proper and when I try not to it comes out very forced.

 

Think of Taylor Swift and you'll have an idea of what I mean. Not really her dancing( im pretty good at that...) but her generally dorkiness that comes from being an overprotected upper middle class kid. I think this comes from my social anxiety. If I am not "cool" am I hopeless at dating? Will I eventually be ditched for a cool girl? One that's fun without being awkward? Thanks

[amaysngrace]

Just post something then use this little guy

 

People will automatically think you're cool

[GorillaTheater]

Cool people are those who embrace and accept themselves, flaws and all, and have no problem laughing at themselves.

 

 

Trust me on this.

[RecentChange]

Confidence

 

That is what cool people have.

 

You sound insecure and uncomfortable in your own skin - which comes across as being awkward.

[Cookiesandough]

You may be right. I thought about confidence thing too. Though I can think of some very confident people who are unabashedly dorky. Taylor Swift, for example. Just think of the cheesy monologues she puts in her songs. She doesn't seem to lack confidence.

 

Mine could be due to that, howver. I'll try to work on it. Thanks!

[thefooloftheyear]

You gotta be somebody.....

 

 

Otherwise you are just another paper a-hole that thinks they are about something...I was (and still am, to a lesser degree) socially challenged..But I likely raised my "coolness" factor immensely by being about as good at what I do as anyone out there...

 

Women who strike me as "cool" are accomplished in what they do, don't show insecurities, carry themselves well, aren't weak, etc...And it has absolutely nothing to do with looks, btw...

 

But again, at the end of the day you just want to be who you are...If it means you aren't considered "cool" by whoever may have that judgement, then fine...so be it...You can't really fake this...

 

For whatever its worth, I think women are judged less by "coolness" than men are...Guys just want an attractive woman that won't break their balls...

 

TFY

Edited October 5, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[CptInsano]

Cool is when you don't care about being cool.

 

But seriously, even the term "cool" sounds like the 1980s. I personally rather be funny, weird, happy or just a goofball. It's much more interesting in the long run.

[RecentChange]

But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

 

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

 

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.

[How_2_b]

In just about every one of your topic threads, you come off asking what you did wrong.

 

The problem with nearly every one of your threads is you are insecure.

 

That's it. That's all you need to learn to fix. Insecure that you messed up somehow. Insecure that the other guy did something wrong. Insecure that someone was lying to you or insecure how you lied to a guy because of this or that. Insecure about your body even though you are probably gorgeous.

 

You go on dates and come back to this forum second guessing every single awkward interaction. This is self-sabotage.

 

But how to fix insecurity? Just go with it. Have confidence that you ARE going to make mistakes whether you will realize them or not.

 

It is said in baseball that a good pitcher has a short memory. He can't give up 2 runs in the first inning and let that ruin the rest of his game. He's gotta move on.

 

Same with you. Ya, it's great to learn from mistakes, but you can't second-guess yourself on everything. It isn't healthy. You have to have confidence that you're succeeding without being too egotistic.

 

Maybe your strategy at the start of the date should be to just state that you're going to speak exactly how you feel and be open. It will lower the pressure for the guy as well and you'll both have a much better time. And the guy might be more open himself. If an insecure thought creeps up, just blurt it out. If it weirds out the guy, oh well, that's just your social filter getting rid of incompatible guys anyway. Might as well be weird and if the guy is cool with it, then you're probably better in the long run.

 

Just stop second-guessing yourself and have a good time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

[SevenCity]

Coolness is simple. Just stop giving a F about what others think of you.

 

Don't try to be someone you are not. But be the best version of yourself you can be.

[MyOphelia]

Confidence is key, and I think looks have less to do with it. I'm socially awkward like there's no tomorrow, and I live an isolated life which just makes the whole thing worse. But I've found in certain situations, I'm very approachable and likewise, I easily approach other people. When I feel calm and comfortable, when we all do, we exude a vibe that says it's safe to come up to you and it's okay for them to make mistakes too.

 

A lot has to do with how you take yourself, and if you keep looking at everyone else for their reaction as a form of validation. If you just be present in the moment (that's what I'm working on) and definitely just be yourself. Imagine what "confidence" looks like, and emulate it. But there's no need to sacrifice who you are.

[Divasu]

Thanks peraph. That's true. I noticed when people talk they have a natural flow to their...(don't know the linguistic term for this) way of speaking. People in all different subculture talk in a certain way, but it's natural, flowing, cohesive. I speak very proper and when I try not to it comes out very forced.

 

Think of Taylor Swift and you'll have an idea of what I mean. Not really her dancing( im pretty good at that...) but her generally dorkiness that comes from being an overprotected upper middle class kid. I think this comes from my social anxiety. If I am not "cool" am I hopeless at dating? Will I eventually be ditched for a cool girl? One that's fun without being awkward? Thanks

 

I'm not sure where it is written that you have to be cool, to date.

It's okay to be a little nerdy, clumsy. If that is who you are, embrace it.

 

For you:

[CptInsano]

Cookie, I think it is time you do something about being uncool. I used to hang out with band geeks and science nerds, and you get onto the wrong track very easily that way.

 

The guy who was wonderful with a cello now runs the Chinese division of a multi-national. The oddball who would rather play the guitar than talk is now a professor, and the kid I helped in math now builds space probes in Pasadena. (I'm still laughing about that one.) My elementary school buddy is an investment banker, my best friend from high school is a finance controller.

 

We were all very uncool at some point. You really don't want to end up like us.

[No_Go]

 

Like everyone else, I'm attracted to 'cool' and charismatic people.

 

 

I'm really not. I'm actually repelled from 'cool' guys, instantly and permanently. I like socially awkward types, weird dudes, quirky types, guys living in their heads.

 

I'm sure there are men with preference for women like this as well. Why mask who you really are and attract a partner who is not suited for you?

[Imajerk17]

But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

 

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

 

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.

 

I suppose Taylor Swift is cool...I guess you just... gotta love those Starbucks lovers....

 

As someone who struggled with social awkwardness growing up, I'd say coolness is what @RecentChange said. It sounds to me that you are trying too hard OP. The cool people know who they are and they just seem at ease w themselves, it's others who are trying to impress. They aren't making effort to be using 'cool' words such as 'poppin' (never used that word myself). Many of them even use proper English when sending texts--spelling words out and using complete sentences instead of the latest hippest abbreviations ect. [Actually proper grammar is kind of a turn-on but I digress.]

Edited October 5, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Cookiesandough]

But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

 

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

 

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.

Very good points and link, everyone!! Yea, imajerk. Thanks!!!

'Cool' is not a great word, like I said, but the best one I could come up and thought Swift was a great example. I don't know how else to articulate it. It's probably very simple, but escaping me.

 

If this were high school, you'd definitely see her at the popular table, but...she's not cool. Ohhh! Another way I can see it illustrated is in how she speaks. There's something...goofy about it. She uses "like" as a colloquial adverb, which is considered 'cool' at present, but she can't pull off the 'valley girl' thing it denotes when she says it ...Maybe she tries too hard to be something she's not? I think there's some genetic and early environmental component to why some people's gears just aren't greased and they don't run smoothly, so to speak. That's my issue. Confidence is a BIG part of it for sure, so I'll certainly be working on it. But I think that will more help me not care how I come off.

 

No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.

 

But I got so much backlash about the nerdy guy that I made the long thread for? Is he cool? Seems like he's not for the liking of most women that I've spoken to.

 

Same with another interest of mine from before - my girl friends would always wonder why I like him. He was having weird theories about evolution and loved to share his medical issues with me...

[Imajerk17]

The irony of bringing up Taylor Swift is....wasn't one of her first really big hits about being the dorky girl stuck in the buddy-zone by her best friend who was being treated badly by his hawt cheercaptain girlfriend??

 

Something to consider...

[Cookiesandough]

No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.

 

But I got so much backlash about the nerdy guy that I made the long thread for? Is he cool? Seems like he's not for the liking of most women that I've spoken to.

 

Same with another interest of mine from before - my girl friends would always wonder why I like him. He was having weird theories about evolution and loved to share his medical issues with me...

 

Well, you could be an anomaly, but lots of people like it a little weird in different ways, but VERY, very few are attracted to the truly very awkward, sadly(especially for me). I think 'weird' and 'awkward' are different. It's probably hard for you to explain his charm to others. I remember you saying he talked about bugs having sex, and everyone was grossed out, but I can see how that would be fetching to someone if executed right. He could also only be a little awkward but overwhelmingly more charming.

 

 

You said he reminded you a lot of Nash. Despite having very severe schizophrenia, almost everyone who watches finds 'him' likeable in his biopic A Beautiful Mind. That was done by casting Russell Crowe (a charismatic and attractive man) and a script which made him endearing in a weird way.

 

Swift is just kind of awkward, but has other very attractive qualities so she can slide. I think I fall into this category to lesser extent...I have a few attractive qualities, but I'm not sure it's enough to pull me through.

 

https://media.giphy.com/media/NWlV7X1vx86hq/giphy.gif

Edited October 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

But isn't that the point - the few people that like your specific type of weirdness would be your most compatible matches, like you for you, and that's why IMO it is better to emphasize not hide awkwardness?

 

The bug sex example is great, for me it is hitting home because I've been into field biology and like anything related. Plus sex in any context I find fun, even like hermaphrodite snails mating. I mean outside of my particular field and hobbies and quirks this makes no sense. For me - it made him someone to fall for, fall hard.

 

I think the combination that works is awkward + attractive. If the person is awkward + unattractive... well, it is much harder. But i'm getting the impression that you're the first type, so you'd get the right guys falling for you effortlessly, if you target the correct niche.

 

Well, you could be an anomaly, but lots of people like it a little weird in different ways, but VERY, very few are attracted to the truly very awkward, sadly(especially for me). I think 'weird' and 'awkward' are different. It's probably hard for you to explain his charm to others. I remember you saying he talked about bugs having sex, and everyone was grossed out, but I can see how that would be fetching to someone if executed right. He could also only be a little awkward but overwhelmingly more charming.

 

 

You said he reminded you a lot of Nash. Despite having very severe schizophrenia, almost everyone who watches finds 'him' likeable in his biopic A Beautiful Mind. That was done by casting Russell Crowe (a charismatic and attractive man) and a script which made him endearing in a weird way. I doubt in real life he was that "cool".

 

Swift is just kind of awkward, but has other very attractive qualities so she can slide. I think I fall into this category to lesser extent...I have a few attractive qualities, but I'm not sure it's enough to pull me through.

 

https://media.giphy.com/media/NWlV7X1vx86hq/giphy.gif

[normal person]

If this were high school, you'd definitely see her at the popular table, but...she's not cool.

 

I used to date a girl whose friends went to high school with her. They say she wasn't well liked at all. Can't remember why exactly, but it got brought up multiple times. I'm sure things would be different now that she's one of the biggest stars on Earth. What changed? She's got well-deserved confidence as a result of her success, she has a sense of humor, she seems pretty smart, she's good at what she does, etc. Was she funny, talented, and smart before? Probably. But now she's got blind allegiance to her as a result of her career, and plenty of people will praise her every move regardless of what it is, so maybe she's not the best example.

 

A Google search suggests some common themes to coolness: Emotionally controlled, confident, competent. Makes sense. No one thinks the untalented, emotional mess is cool.

 

I feel like the battle is all in your mind. If you're talented at something, or you have some desirable quality (being attractive, for example), you can leverage that for confidence and emotional control. It seems like your problem is that think you're problems are worse than they are, or that you're perceived worse than you are, or you take things to heart too much (like when that guy joked about you, you felt bad instead of just owning it and playfully making a joke back at him).

 

I think a lot of us are in our own heads too much -- we put too much stock in other peoples' perceptions of us and not enough stock in ourselves. Think about how things might've changed on your date if you owned your delivery and playfully came back at that guy. He'd respect you for accepting your own idiosyncrasy and not being ashamed of it. If I were you, I'd start doing this sort of thing across the board and watch things change for the better. When you show control or acceptance instead of fear or insecurity, you'll be amazed at how differently people perceive you.

[Kamille]

Cool is by definition a niche characteristic. What is cool to some won't be cool to all.

 

I don't think sport cars are cool, some people are car people and are excited when they meet someone who knows about cars. They're cool in each other's eyes. And according to car people, I'm not cool. Replace cars with whatever you're passionate about. Music, sports, spirituality, political discussions.

 

So cool isn't some objective quality that you can point to and say: these people are cool and these people aren't. High school movies often have a narrative about coolness, but I moved three times in high school and I can tell you, students didn't define cool the same way from one school to the next.

 

Cool is about knowing what you like, having hobbies and passions, and accepting the things that make you quirky, yes, even that damn social awkwardness. It is, as you say, about learning to laugh at yourself. It's also about walking away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. You don't like it when someone laughs at your accent? You don't have to like it. Analysis done. No need to question yourself.

 

Cool is also about enjoying other people's qualities - noticing who enjoys the same things you do. It's about paying attention to others and what makes them unique.

 

It is about caring about the people who matter while not trying to please everyone.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm really not. I'm actually repelled from 'cool' guys, instantly and permanently. I like socially awkward types, weird dudes, quirky types, guys living in their heads.

 

I'm sure there are men with preference for women like this as well. Why mask who you really are and attract a partner who is not suited for you?

 

I am with you and am attracted to the same.

 

For example, last OLD dude from my last thread about age. When I walked into the bar (which was half empty on a weekend afternoon), he was standing there chatting and laughing with the barman (who was a complete stranger to him). I found that an instant turn off.

 

The dude before him, when I walked into the same bar, he was sitting awkwardly in the corner. When I first approached him, he kind of didn't know what to do, so he kind of half hugged me while knocking over his glass and spilling some of his wine. I found that charming and felt an instant affinity.

 

Obviously, those behaviors in isolation are not enough to connect to someone but you get the picture. I am sure most women would find the barman chatting dude more attractive.

 

My main problem is that awkward dudes seem to have a thing for socially charismatic women, and I am somewhat awkward myself :/