Open marriage stopped suddenly.dealing with loss.

[Just a Guy]

Hi RC, thank you for answering Hammy's question because in doing so you answered one that I think I asked you on another thread. The question was about why you got married. Good to know your reasons because I thought that all this while you and your husband thought that marriage was unnecessary. I guess, in your eyes it is still unnecessary but being a legal compulsion you just had to fall in line. I take it that if your husband had his own insurance cover you would still be common law partners.

 

On another note, although the law in the US and elsewhere may not specify that sex is a legal obligation of either partner, I think religions decree that a man and his wife have conjugal rights towards each other, which they must discharge. In the pre christian era when a Jewish couple got married, the bride's in laws had the abhorrent practice of examining the sheets on which the couple spent their first night together to see if it was blood stained as proof of the bride's virginity. This would mean that sex was very much a part of the total package entailing marriage. It also meant that the girl was liable to be labelled a whore in case there was no blood. People today can thank their lucky stars that we are out of those terrible times and can live our lives freely without fear or favour. I also think one of the Ten commandments lays down that " A man shall not covet his neighbour's wife". All these rules or laws if you will, were a result of the patriarchal system of society that existed in those days. Remnants of that system still continue in today's world even in as liberated a nation as the US where women continue to get paid less than men for the same level of work that they do. Also, it is so difficult for a woman to break through the glass ceiling and head a company unless it is one she started herself. However, I guess we are getting to a place where men and women would be equals in almost all respects barring their physiological differences, inexorably. Warm wishes.

[Jg81]

i did not expect a post about missing sexual pleasure to bring about such discussions. It has been interesting to read.

 

I've decided to try and have a talk with my husband about some of the feelings and desires I've been having. I don't expect any issues to arise as we communicate well even about potentially negative issues. I am unsure though, exactly how much to tell him as I don't want to make this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

[road]

i did not expect a post about missing sexual pleasure to bring about such discussions. It has been interesting to read.

 

I've decided to try and have a talk with my husband about some of the feelings and desires I've been having. I don't expect any issues to arise as we communicate well even about potentially negative issues. I am unsure though, exactly how much to tell him as I don't want to make this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

 

Seems to be you are looking to open the door to

getting back in bed with his boss.

 

It is one thing to tell a husband, no lead, teach or

instruct a husband to preform better in sex.

 

Another thing to say you are not as good as your

boss. I want you to do me like he does me.

 

For there is no way a husband to become hung

as the OM or last as long or go as many times as

the OM. So there is no way that you will be able

to get your husband to satisfy you the way your

OM does.

 

See, and do not think that you can, open marriages

cause more problems then they fix.

 

You have a man that brings you to heaven with

sex and you do not want to give that up. Yes you

have very good sex with your husband.

 

Very good sex is not the best ever sex. You are

addicted to this great sex. Just as a heroin addict.

You would of been better to never of felt this high

because you will always crave it for the rest of your

life.

 

You will trigger and crave this sex for the rest of

your life. With time you will trigger less often and

the triggers will pass faster. Though something

30 years from now will cause you to still trigger

for a moment.

 

This is why you have to go NC with the OM for the

rest of your lives. And, close your marriage.

 

For your behavior has shown that you cannot separate

sex from attachment.

[wmacbride]

Op,

I can't give you any "swinger specific" advice, as it's not something I have any experience with, so I am going to take away all the trappings and get down to the heart of the matter.

 

You are in a situation where your husband has made a request, and it doesn't sound like it's an unreasonable one. Do you feel that your enjoyment is worth your husband's displeasure with the situation? Not to mention that the relationship between you and your spouse and his boss may be seen as inappropriate.

 

If your spouse isn't happy with the situation, then isn't that what matters?

[Jg81]

I should have clarified. I am not going to see the OM again. My husband asked me to stop and I did so immediately. He has done the same for me.

 

I plan on discussing aspects of our sex life that I am missing, not ask for permission to start sleeping with the OM again.

[RecentChange]

It is one thing to tell a husband, no lead, teach or

instruct a husband to preform better in sex.

 

Another thing to say you are not as good as your

boss. I want you to do me like he does me.

 

For there is no way a husband to become hung

as the OM or last as long or go as many times as

the OM. So there is no way that you will be able

to get your husband to satisfy you the way your

OM does.

 

I disagree with some of this sentiment.

 

Yes, saying "be like the other man" won't work, and wouldn't be appropriate.

 

But a couple can certainly grow and change from the experience.

 

I don't know if the OP said the other man was more hung - that often isn't the leading demoninator when it comes to great sex.

 

And OP can correct me if I am wrong, but it was probably a mix of skill and passion, two things that can be energized with your husband.

 

And men can learn to last longer, and women can learn tools to edge their men and make them last longer, again, I don't know if the OP expressed that this is an issue. Multiple rounds can also be a "skill".

 

And while she can express her new found desires, it's also an opportunity for him to express his and for her to reach to greater heights to please him.

[central]

But a couple can certainly grow and change from the experience.

 

I don't know if the OP said the other man was more hung - that often isn't the leading demoninator when it comes to great sex.

 

And OP can correct me if I am wrong, but it was probably a mix of skill and passion, two things that can be energized with your husband.

 

And men can learn to last longer, and women can learn tools to edge their men and make them last longer, again, I don't know if the OP expressed that this is an issue. Multiple rounds can also be a "skill".

 

And while she can express her new found desires, it's also an opportunity for him to express his and for her to reach to greater heights to please him.

 

This. Our experience has been that we've learned a great deal from other partners, which has significantly improved our own repertoire and skills with each other. I'd say our sex life improved by at least a factor of 2, and it was already extremely good to begin with.

 

 

Some other partners will always have some unique trait or skill that can't be duplicated, of course. We enjoy those for what they are, but such things can't compete with our overall compatibility and devotion to each other's pleasure and happiness.

 

 

As some swinger friends once put it: We have filet mignon quality sex with each other all the time, but sometimes we just want chicken [aka variety].

[DKT3]

I disagree with some of this sentiment.

 

Yes, saying "be like the other man" won't work, and wouldn't be appropriate.

 

But a couple can certainly grow and change from the experience.

 

I don't know if the OP said the other man was more hung - that often isn't the leading demoninator when it comes to great sex.

 

And OP can correct me if I am wrong, but it was probably a mix of skill and passion, two things that can be energized with your husband.

 

And men can learn to last longer, and women can learn tools to edge their men and make them last longer, again, I don't know if the OP expressed that this is an issue. Multiple rounds can also be a "skill".

 

And while she can express her new found desires, it's also an opportunity for him to express his and for her to reach to greater heights to please him.

She stated that those sexual elements where there with her husband, but felt forced.... translation, in my opinion is OM is just better. Not sure how it will improve because it nothing he can do to change her mental and emotional response to the same physical aspects. It's not really his issue.

[RecentChange]

Eh, it seems like those who have experience with this sort of thing agree with me. I think it may be hard for those who haven't been there to imagine.

 

And oh my gosh Central - fillet mignon vs chicken. Totally spot on.

[central]

She stated that those sexual elements where there with her husband, but felt forced.... translation, in my opinion is OM is just better. Not sure how it will improve because it nothing he can do to change her mental and emotional response to the same physical aspects. It's not really his issue.

 

No doubt, for some people, the other person will just be a better lover overall. That does not mean they would be a better partner overall - life and relationships are full of compromises, and circumstances lead to making good choices and decisions that aren't always perfect. Besides, even potentially better partners may not be available for anything more.

 

 

I've had a couple of amazing lovers - different - but not better than my wife. I would not trade her for any of them, even if they were available. It can be sad - briefly - when it's necessary to move on from someone like that, but it is almost inevitable that it will occur eventually. I still have my wonderful, primary, long-term, committed partner.

 

 

I also think that it is important to establish boundaries when you decide to explore an open or other non-traditional relationship, and respect those agreements even if you don't want to. You can later renegotiate if you want changes, and then work within that new structure.

[DKT3]

Eh, it seems like those who have experience with this sort of thing agree with me. I think it may be hard for those who haven't been there to imagine.

 

And oh my gosh Central - fillet mignon vs chicken. Totally spot on.

 

So, you only understand if you've been in an open relationship? So I don't understand that op compares her husband sexually to OM, and she doesn't think he adds up? I don't understand that her true motivation is to "make" her husband more like OM?

 

There is a deeper issue here, one which begun when she replaced her husband with OM as her primary sexual partner. This is not a physical issue, it's all mental and emotional. Her husband tuning his technic can't change that. Simply put, in her mind she has a better sexual connection with OM. I don't have to sleep with multiple women while married or have my wife sleeping with other men to understand that.

[Jg81]

This. Our experience has been that we've learned a great deal from other partners, which has significantly improved our own repertoire and skills with each other. I'd say our sex life improved by at least a factor of 2, and it was already extremely good to begin with.

 

 

Some other partners will always have some unique trait or skill that can't be duplicated, of course. We enjoy those for what they are, but such things can't compete with our overall compatibility and devotion to each other's pleasure and happiness.

 

 

As some swinger friends once put it: We have filet mignon quality sex with each other all the time, but sometimes we just want chicken [aka variety].

 

I think you have described the situation very well. I don't know the best way to describe it but without going into too many details I would like him to initiate some of the kinky stuff that I like. I don't want to always ask for it. He likes oral so I go down on him all the time. Yes I enjoy it to but mainly it's about pleasing him.

[DKT3]

I think you have described the situation very well. I don't know the best way to describe it but without going into too many details I would like him to initiate some of the kinky stuff that I like. I don't want to always ask for it. He likes oral so I go down on him all the time. Yes I enjoy it to but mainly it's about pleasing him.

 

But that isn't what you said here, you flat out said this other guy was better in bed then your husband. So in your case it's more like chicken at home and steak with the other man.

 

I'm not saying you want to walk away from your Marriage, it seems clear you don't, at least at this point. What I'm saying is you have replaced your husband as your primary sexual partner, and it's hard to come back from that. It's no different than when a woman has a secret affair and begins to limit her husband or rewrite the sexual history in the Marriage.

 

What I'm saying is don't make this your husband's issue, this is your issue. Something that your husband picked up on and asked you to end it to protect himself and your marriage.

[Jg81]

But that isn't what you said here, you flat out said this other guy was better in bed then your husband. So in your case it's more like chicken at home and steak with the other man.

 

I'm not saying you want to walk away from your Marriage, it seems clear you don't, at least at this point. What I'm saying is you have replaced your husband as your primary sexual partner, and it's hard to come back from that. It's no different than when a woman has a secret affair and begins to limit her husband or rewrite the sexual history in the Marriage.

 

What I'm saying is don't make this your husband's issue, this is your issue. Something that your husband picked up on and asked you to end it to protect himself and your marriage.

 

You are right to point. The sex was better. But it's not as if the physical part of sex is the only thing that makes sex great. Things can be learned, preformed, or said to help make sex great. I don't think me wanting more is making it my husbands issue. I think it's communicating my desires to become satisfied; hopefully he does the same thing.

[DKT3]

You are right to point. The sex was better. But it's not as if the physical part of sex is the only thing that makes sex great. Things can be learned, preformed, or said to help make sex great. I don't think me wanting more is making it my husbands issue. I think it's communicating my desires to become satisfied; hopefully he does the same thing.

 

So now you're saying you not satisfied with your husband sexually?

[RecentChange]

I think there is ALWAYS room for improvement.

 

"Satifyed" = contented, pleased

 

Lots of people can have satifying sex, but why stop at satifying when, with desire and communication you can have out of this world mind blowing sex.

 

To me, the OP desires to step things up to the next level. Sounds like she has some kinks that she wishes her husband took more initiative with.

 

My advice? Try to find something that perhaps he hasn't been getting completely fulfilled and start really rocking his world.

 

True appreciation, and recognition of the lengths your partner is willing to go can be a big motivator.

 

There are somethings I enjoy that my husband isn't that drawn to. And there are things he enjoys that don't come that naturally to me.

 

But I find when I step up my game (of what he likes) he tends to reciprocate in kind (stepping out of his comfort zone as well). And it takes communication and practice.

 

"Best sex" and "better sex" are such simple terms that can not describe the nuances and complexity as to what makes some things more pleasurable than others.

[DKT3]

I think there is ALWAYS room for improvement.

 

"Satifyed" = contented, pleased

 

Lots of people can have satifying sex, but why stop at satifying when, with desire and communication you can have out of this world mind blowing sex.

 

To me, the OP desires to step things up to the next level. Sounds like she has some kinks that she wishes her husband took more initiative with.

 

My advice? Try to find something that perhaps he hasn't been getting completely fulfilled and start really rocking his world.

 

True appreciation, and recognition of the lengths your partner is willing to go can be a big motivator.

 

There are somethings I enjoy that my husband isn't that drawn to. And there are things he enjoys that don't come that naturally to me.

 

But I find when I step up my game (of what he likes) he tends to reciprocate in kind (stepping out of his comfort zone as well). And it takes communication and practice.

 

"Best sex" and "better sex" are such simple terms that can not describe the nuances and complexity as to what makes some things more pleasurable than others.

 

We can go in circles all day, the bottom line is she found a more desirable sexual partner and now she wants her husband to be him so she doesn't miss what they had. This is a much bigger issue than her wanting him to be better, she wants to duplicate what she had with OM, it will never happen and will likely start to pull back the corners of the marriage.

 

The word play is simantic, her words are clear, om is better in bed, she said that. I want to communicate what I want (ie what om did) so I can be satisfied. She said that. That is an issue, no matter how she tries to convince us it isn't from this point on.

[central]

If you're correct, DKT3, then it is an issue. But, it doesn't have to be an issue.

 

 

a) Husband may be able and willing to up his game: win-win. She may have to make an effort to train and encourage him in these new things.

b) She can accept that these things - whatever they are - aren't essential. People do this all the time, especially when entering a new relationship, because often a prior partner is a better match in bed. People adjust to the new reality and can be satisfied - unless the compromise is too great, in which case she may just have to find someone else to supplement in this area, assuming they continue the open relationship.

 

 

Most likely, I think some combination of a and b will occur.

[Maraud3r]

We can go in circles all day, the bottom line is she found a more desirable sexual partner and now she wants her husband to be him so she doesn't miss what they had. This is a much bigger issue than her wanting him to be better, she wants to duplicate what she had with OM, it will never happen and will likely start to pull back the corners of the marriage.

She basically seems to have taken a liking to OM and bonded with him. Which given what goes on in terms of hormones during sex, isn't all that surprising. People often claim you can completely decouple sex and feelings, biology and hormones specifically meant for pairbonding whom are released during sex disagree quite vehemently.

 

Then again, it feels like we now have a situation where we have 3-4 people who pretty much agree and live a similar life style. Anyone who does not agree can't comment because "they don't live it!". Which is simply not true.

 

@OP, one thing I was curious about. How exactly does a "high sex drive" mean one has to have an open relationship? There does not appear to be any kind of correlation here, especially if both have a high sex drive.

[central]

She basically seems to have taken a liking to OM and bonded with him. Which given what goes on in terms of hormones during sex, isn't all that surprising. People often claim you can completely decouple sex and feelings, biology and hormones specifically meant for pairbonding whom are released during sex disagree quite vehemently.

 

Then again, it feels like we now have a situation where we have 3-4 people who pretty much agree and live a similar life style. Anyone who does not agree can't comment because "they don't live it!". Which is simply not true.

 

@OP, one thing I was curious about. How exactly does a "high sex drive" mean one has to have an open relationship? There does not appear to be any kind of correlation here, especially if both have a high sex drive.

 

Of course you can comment, Maraud3r. IMO, many people who've never lived it have good insights. They may not understand all the nuances or details, just as I can't fully understand cheating since I've never done it. I can sometimes still offer useful ideas, but there may be limits to my understanding. I can see that some posters here have limited understanding, yet some also offer good perspectives.

 

 

You are also right that if both have a high sex drive, it does not mean one has to have an open relationship. But, some people with high drives also want variety to go along with frequency, and you can't always get variety from just one partner. Not everyone likes or is good at the same things. This is even true for lower drive people - they may want something they can't get at home, even if they are happy with the frequency.

[DKT3]

If you're correct, DKT3, then it is an issue. But, it doesn't have to be an issue.

 

 

a) Husband may be able and willing to up his game: win-win. She may have to make an effort to train and encourage him in these new things.

b) She can accept that these things - whatever they are - aren't essential. People do this all the time, especially when entering a new relationship, because often a prior partner is a better match in bed. People adjust to the new reality and can be satisfied - unless the compromise is too great, in which case she may just have to find someone else to supplement in this area, assuming they continue the open relationship.

 

 

Most likely, I think some combination of a and b will occur.

So Everytime she has a better sexual connection while in the open marriage it becomes his duty to "be" or recreate it so she doesn't miss it? No, not only is that unfair, he will lose confidence.

 

I actually think c will happen, that being her finding a way to continue with this particular guy. That's what she really wants, which is why she stated it was great when she had what she had with OM then also had "GREAT SEX" at home. However, it became unfulfilling sex once husband asked her to end it with OM....the issues here are much greater, she replaced her husband sexually, he became her extra, now that is the role he plays extra. However her main is gone so she is unhappy with just extra.

[central]

So Everytime she has a better sexual connection while in the open marriage it becomes his duty to "be" or recreate it so she doesn't miss it? No, not only is that unfair, he will lose confidence.

 

Obviously not. This is pure hyperbole and a false premise, and not at all what I said. Shame on you.

[DKT3]

Obviously not. This is pure hyperbole and a false premise, and not at all what I said. Shame on you.

 

Unfortunately, it's exactly what you said..

 

.

a) Husband may be able and willing to up his game: win-win. She may have to make an effort to train and encourage him in these new things.

[DKT3]

I'm no expert on open relationships, but I'm very educated on human behavior....I could quote a bunch of stuff that details her behavior and why she is doing, but that stuff only bores people with posts that are too long.

 

As I'm saying, the issue is she has replaced her husband as her primary sexual partner, during this change she has mentally and emotionally disconnected sexually, preferring to focus that energy towards om. Doesn't mean she wants to replace her husband as a life partner, but make no mistake, she has replaced him as a sexual partner. That isn't going to be fixed because her husband start to reenact her sex with OM...it will still not be enough.

[RecentChange]

So what is your suggestion DKT3?

 

Divorce? It seems to you that this is an irreparable situation with no hope of growth or learning from it.

 

In your eyes is there any way to control her emotions, reset expectations, change dynamics for the better?