Has Anyone Ever Told The W and What was The Reaction?

[DepressedWaiting]

No, not at all. Why on earth would I want to hurt the wife? I believe she has the right to know what a disgusting pig she married and is living with. If I were her I would most definitely want to know.

 

I knew her husband before they were married for many years. She has always been suspicious of us. I know she has confronted her husband many times and he always denies everything. I know in this case she would want to know.

 

I believe this disgusting man should not be allowed to get away with this. His wife (I believe) would divorce him and take him for every cent he has. This is the reason he has delayed divorce... finanical reasons.

 

I cannot imagine any intelligent women staying with her husband who has betrayed her throughout the entire marriage. I also have proof of this. He is dead meat.

 

He lied to his wife and he lied to me just so he could stick his d*ck where he feels fit.

[starreyes]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

 

I need this closure, I cannot move on knowing MM is getting away with having his cake and eating it too and not paying a consequence. I also know if I were the wife I would most definitely want to know!

 

 

It sounds like you have made up your mind about this. It also sounds like you want to hurt him very badly. When you do tell the W, will you find out what happens between the two of them (fight, divorce, etc.)?

It's so sad sometimes.....people share so much with other people and everything is great. Then months down the road, the picture changes immensely for one reason or another.

Keep posting Depressed...I'd like to find out what happens and if you are happy with the results.

[sadlittlegirl]

I cannot imagine any intelligent women staying with her husband who has betrayed her throughout the entire marriage. I also have proof of this. He is dead meat.

 

DW: If you want to tell his wife, I support you fully. There is no reason why you should be the only one carrying the pain and heartache of his cheating.

 

BUT you must be prepared that she may not act as you believe. She may not divorce him, in fact she may actually stay with him. When my MM's wife found out about us, at first she kicked him out and was baying for his blood. But after a while, she felt she acted hastily, missed him, wanted him back, and (reverse psychology!) wanted to keep us apart. I suppose she felt it was getting revenge on me that she could hold her marriage intact, at whatever cost. When the wife feels like the fight for a man is still on, she will want to win first, and then make him pay later. However by then, her anger has cooled down, and MM will still be very nice and obedient to her, going NC with you etc, so they may decide to try and make things work.

 

If you want her to be aware he is cheating, want to break that trust between them, then go ahead. The outcomes can be beyond your imagination though. You will always be the evil, vindictive person to them. And it may actually be a relief for her to know the truth and help to improve their marriage!

[DepressedWaiting]

Yes, once I do this and a month has passed I will have someone anonymous check to see if they are still married or what the outcome was. I most certainly would be dying of curiousity.

 

My gut feeling is... when the wife finds out her husband has been having a full blown relationship with me throughout her entire marriage... she will file for divorce and take him to the cleaners for every cent he has. I mean this isn't some brief affair or fling... we are taking years of betrayal!!!

 

He has a huge VERY fancy house (in an upper class neighborhood) with quite a bit of assests and NO pre-nup. His wife has already threatened in the past to take him to the cleaners. Once she finds out her pig of a husband has been betraying her throughout her 5 year marriage... he is minced meat!

 

I have literally threatend to tell his wife everything MANY times. It has lost the effect because I have threatened to do it so many times but haven't done it. So he thinks I will not ever do it. He is going to die of SHOCK like you wouldn't believe when I do this.

 

He is going to regret having me as a whore on the side (that's all I was good for to him)... he lied to me and told me how much he loves me and cares for me more than life itself. He tells me he will be divorce but conveniently cannot tell me when!!!

 

In his opinion he cannot afford to divorce but he can afford to lose me. In that case I cannot afford not to tell his wife!!!

 

I am not sticking around to end up like the rest of everybody here. All the posts I've read about being stuck in this endless h*ll with a MM. I refuse!!!

[DepressedWaiting]

sadlittlegirl,

 

Yes, actually you hit the nail on the head. My one and ONLY fear is that she will stay married to him and let him get away with this. Then he will have the last laugh. But even then... he will have h*ll to pay dealing with her after the truth comes out.

 

BUT... they have been married for 5 years... he has been betraying her for 4 1/2 years with me. The phone conversation tapes prove this without a doubt so she will know this.

 

Do you really think she would stay married to him after finding this out? I highly doubt it... their relationship is already full of turmoil.

[mopar crazy]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

sadlittlegirl,

 

Yes, actually you hit the nail on the head. My one and ONLY fear is that she will stay married to him and let him get away with this. Then he will have the last laugh. But even then... he will have h*ll to pay dealing with her after the truth comes out.

 

BUT... they have been married for 5 years... he has been betraying her for 4 1/2 years with me. The phone conversation tapes prove this without a doubt so she will know this.

 

Do you really think she would stay married to him after finding this out? I highly doubt it... their relationship is already full of turmoil.

 

I can't say if she will leave him, but if it were me, I probably would. He has been betraying her for their whole M. I really can't say if I would or not, b/c I am not in her shoes, but it would be REALLY hard to deal w/ something like that. If she does stay w/ him it's going to a long road ahead for both of them. Like you said, it wasn't a short term fling, but it lasted several years.

 

Can I ask you why you continued to have a relationship w/ him when you knew he was M? Did they get M b/c she was pregnant?

 

I was seeing a guy who was in a CR and he got her pregnant and he M her. I ended the relationship about a year b4 he got her pg. I was tired of being the OW. I was tired of being put off to the side until she left for the weekend (when we spent our time together). I refused to be his bed buddy when his GF wasn't around. I really loved this guy but I could no longer do that to myself. It was so hard to let him go but I was torturing myself and I needed to go on w/ my life and find a SG and that is what I did. Now his nephew is in a CR w/ my niece so I am sure when/if they get M I will see him again at the wedding. Just when I thought he was out of my life for good.

[DepressedWaiting]

Mopar, they do not have kids. He cannot produce kids. What happened was I was more naive years back when the affair started. He was the first man I was ever involved with... as silly as it sounds I just wasn't thinking. The first couple of years it was all fun and games. I can honestly say I was a stupid naive girl.

 

Now I am in my mid twenties and have wised up. I am a different person now. The past two years it started to get serious. The past two years he has used the same excuse... he has no pre-nup he is too old to start over... that divorce will ruin him financially...

 

I am done with his constant bullsh*t. He has proven I am only worth f*cking on the side. I am not worth anything else to him. He will pay for all his LIES to me and his wife.

 

I just cannot imagine his wife not filing for divorce when she finds out he has been betraying her throughout her ENTIRE marriage on a very regular nonstop basis. It is just insane!

 

EDIT: I continued the relationship because I just could not walk away. I had this hope he would divorce and prove to me that I am worth more to him than having on the side.... but you can only survive on false hope for so long.

[mopar crazy]

Depressed, I can honestly say I could see myself in your shoes if I would of stayed w/ the man in the CR. We started seeing eachother b4 I knew he was even involved w/ someone else. Our relationship lasted about 4 years. He was my first love and even though I found out from a mutual friend he had a serious GF I continued to see him. He told me she knew about me. I don't know if he was lying, or what, but if he was telling me the truth I don't know why she didn't tell him it was either me or her. I was the one that ended the relationship. I moved out of town to go to college and only seen him once after that but we were never together. He was having a party and I showed up. All that was there was girls that were seniors in HS. I figured he was probably screwing one of them. I couldn't live like that anymore. I let the relationship go and started dating. If I still lived in the same town I know the relationship would of continued.

 

If I were the W I would leave him. They have no children to worry about breaking up the family. She would be better off D'ing him and finding a better man who will love her and be faithful to her. As for you, I would stay far away from him. If you continue to have a relationship w/ him he is going to think it's ok b/c you didn't end it. And eventually, he will end up cheating on you too. This guy is a looser and he doesn't deserve to be happy.

 

His financial problem for not wanting to get a D is BS. He wont have to worry about paying child support and probably no alimony. The state I live in you get alimony if you are M 10 years or more but I don't know how it works everywhere. Maybe he will loose the house, but that is what he deserves for screwing around on his W.

Don't let his financial problems make you feel badly for him. We weren't financially stable either when my H filed for a D but at least he had the balls to say he wanted out of the M b4 he started banging the exOW.

 

What a sad situation.

[floatinglotus]

Hello DepressedWaiting,

 

I haven't really been visiting these forums as I'm now a "recovered" exOW.

 

Yes, I told the wife. I rang her and then I sent a fax through with photos and everything the Bozo had said about her. There were no children involved.

 

I have no idea as to whether they are still together - but I presume they still are. I have not heard from him and in my mind, he's out of my hair forever.

 

What I will say is this - it's the best thing I could have done for ME. I was dreadfully depressed and was unable to move forward. After telling the W though, it was if a heavy burden had been lifted and I could face life again. Since then (still less than two months have passed), I am living life, going out, meeting people and doing things that I enjoy. I no longer have that tinge of sadness that would continually follow me around. I can smile and mean it now.

 

If you are doing it just to divorce them then you may well end up disappointed. If you are doing it for YOU so YOU can move on then go for it.

 

Hope this helps you.

 

FL

[DepressedWaiting]

floating,

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. How long did your affair go on and how long have they been married?

 

I am doing this to move forward. Once I do this my MM will 100% NEVER talk to me again. There is no doubt about this. This is 100% guaranteed if I do this I WILL lose him FIREVER. There is no question about that.

 

But I do not see how his wife could stay married to him since he has betrayed her throughout the entire marriage and I also have proof of this. Was your situation the same whereas your MM betrayed his wife for many years with you? This wasn't just some brief fling... it was years of betrayal.

 

Not only that but his wife has already seriously threatened divorce in the past. I do not think their marriage is exellent by any means and once she finds this out I think she is going to take him to the cleaners as he so deserves.

 

If I don't do this and tell his wife, I will end up like all the OW here stuck in this endless h*ll. This is my way out and I plan to take it.

[whichwayisup]

Once again, you're giving him the power...You don't need to do this so he'll never speak to you again...It sounds like the only reason why you want to tell his wife, so he'll leave you alone and never contact you again. Why can't your words be enough? Why not tell him you don't love him anymore, that he's unhealthy for you and become a source of all your bad feelings and you never want to talk to him again. End of story.

 

Your motives to tell her are based on your feelings for ending it with MM. Don't tell her if that is your reason, so he'll stay away from you.

 

If she planned on divorcing him in the past, and their marriage is rocky, let them work it out or end it. You don't need to give it that final push over the cliff...I think secretly you want her to hurt as much as you are hurting. The thing is, HE is hers because they said vows...That jealously can get out of control quite fast, especially after reading your other posts.

[DepressedWaiting]

Not at all. That is 100% wrong. I do NOT want to hurt his wife. Not at all. The only one I want to hurt is MM. I want him to pay the consequences for what he has been doing. Why should I be the only one to pay.

 

His wife would definitely want to know what her husband has been doing with me. She is already very suspicious and has hammered her husband about it for years and he always lies to her about it. They have gotten into huge fights about it.

 

I cannot move on letting my MM get away with this. I won't allow it. I will inform his wife of what her pig of a husband has been doing... she always threatens to take him to the cleaners and divorce him... now she'll have the proof to do it.

 

I'm not jelous of his wife... noway. Why would I be jelous of someone whose husband is screwing behind her back for years.

 

This isn't about jelousy and has nothign to do with his wife. It has everything to do with the fact that I was only worth being a whore to him on the side... I'm not worth anything else to him.

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

I want him to pay the consequences for what he has been doing.

 

by walking away 100% and never looking back and letting him live his life with his wife you are paying him back a hundred fold ...

 

Can you not see that the best form of payment is to walk away .. quietly ?

 

If you can't then vengence is the only thing you are after.. not payment .. and with vengence YOU will have to live with the consequences of your own actions.. you will hurt other people than him..

 

Walk away quietly

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

floating,

 

But I do not see how his wife could stay married to him since he has betrayed her throughout the entire marriage and I also have proof of this. Was your situation the same whereas your MM betrayed his wife for many years with you? This wasn't just some brief fling... it was years of betrayal.

 

I know how you feel. With MM for a bit over 4 years. Did you ever love this man? Are you wanting to hurt him to get even, or do you really feel like you want to help another woman, the W, to not be screwed over? Are you sure this MM will not do anything to get back at you?

 

My MM has a very bad temper, and if I ever called her, I'd be afraid of what he would do to me if he lost everything because of me. His W sounds god awful and I am not sure she would believe me, although I to have notes and old answering machine tapes. The way I look at it is the two of them are miserable enough as it is...let them end up breaking up without my help.

 

They sound like they are heading down, your MM and his W. Are you sure you want to carry the negative energy around with you knowing that you created a divorce and caused this man hardship? Is there something less obvious and a bit less understated that you could do to get even?

 

Just my thoughts, but you have to do what is best for you!

 

Snug

[starreyes]

Depressed,

 

If you're so intent on telling the wife, why wait the month (or deadline) out? Why not tell her now? I mean, look at the way you talk about him....would you truly be happy if he finally decided to leave the wife for you? By your posts, it doesn't sound like you would truly be happy with him. It sounds like you don't think highly about him at all....and if that's the case, is he worth your time?

[RecordProducer]

I think sometimes you should tell, sometimes not. Many people (OW or third parties) have told and nothing has changed in any aspect except that everyone's life became even more miserable.

Sometimes it's good when your life becomes more miserable, because we take steps to correct our mistakes.

If your sister or mother or brother were cheated on, would you tell them? Absolutely! Would you want to know? Absolutely! So the more we care about the betrayed spouse the more we are prone to believe that we're doing a good thing by telling them.

 

However, if you have just heard rumors about someone or even know for sure but you're not directly involved, my attitude is "it's none of your business," especially if children are involved.

 

I was working with a guy and he and his fiancee became my friends. He was bragging around about his affairs and various one-night stands (he told me about all of them). I never told her, because of a few reasons:

1. he told me himself so it would be a betrayal;

2. we worked together and if I told her, our cooperation would stop - personal interest;

3. I didn't want to play god; I was thinking "what if she breaks up with him and hooks up with a guy who will be even worse, beat her or whatever?"

 

Anyway, he left her for another girl after being together for 8 years.

[DepressedWaiting]

I don't know. Right now I am a huge mess. I don't want to post about this situation anymore until I gather my thoughts together during the next 3 weeks. I am giving him ONE chance and only ONE chance to prove me wrong about him.

 

Yes, I would be extremely happy if he divorced to be with me. Right now I am very angry with him.... disgusted. When I yell at him telling him "I am only worth being a whore to you on the side. You cannot afford divorce finanically... but you can afford to lose me!!!".... "Why the h*ll am I wasting my time on a man like you".

 

He claims that I need to stop saying things like that because it is NOT true. I then yell if it's not true then why can't he prove me wonrg. I always get the same old bullsh*t answer... that he does not know if he can afford divorce finanically right now (he has been saying this for over a year now!!!).

 

He is VERY cheap. He won't even tank at certain gas stations because it's a few cents more. He nickel and dimes everything. He is very cheap... has always been like that because he came form a poor home and built his business from the ground up to get where he is at today.

 

He claims he so desperately wants to be with me... but that my turmoil has pushed him away. My turmoil really isn't even that bad. Basically 99% of it consists of me asking him questions about the situation... and him REFUSING to give me ANY answers... then it escalates with me asking the questions over and over again and he claims I am interrogating him.... then it escalates into me screaming at him for hours still getting no answers out of him... getting no where!!!

 

I'll give him the 3 weeks of no turmoil he so desperately wants... he claims he needs this time and for me to clam down before proceeding because he cannot function with the constant turmoil and there is noway he will make any decisions until it has stopped.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

 

He claims he so desperately wants to be with me... but that my turmoil has pushed him away. My turmoil really isn't even that bad. Basically 99% of it consists of me asking him questions about the situation... and him REFUSING to give me ANY answers... then it escalates with me asking the questions over and over again and he claims I am interrogating him.... then it escalates into me screaming at him for hours still getting no answers out of him... getting no where!!!

 

Yes, it is bad in his eyes. No matter how justified your feelings are, you have a choice: to stay or go. You can say anything in a nice wayonce or twice and backup your words with actions.

 

He will never leave his wife for a hysterical woman (that's how he sees you). Three weeks of calmness is not enough. Move on!

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by DepressedWaiting

He claims he so desperately wants to be with me... but that my turmoil has pushed him away. My turmoil really isn't even that bad. Basically 99% of it consists of me asking him questions about the situation... and him REFUSING to give me ANY answers... then it escalates with me asking the questions over and over again and he claims I am interrogating him.... then it escalates into me screaming at him for hours still getting no answers out of him... getting no where!!!

 

Wow, my MM says the same crap to me. I am constantly asking him questions about him and W, etc. He told me he can barely stand her, so going on vacations, sleeping in the same bed, all of it, I don't understand.

 

They don't want to answer any questions. They don't want to tell W. They want us to accept how it is and shut up. I am constantly in tears and miserable, and he was supposed to be the miserable one, not me. I was happy when I met him. When I cry, he hangs up on me. How rude is that?

 

Let him find someone else. He probably didn't think of you like a whore on the side, as you say, but he liked you when you went along with everything and didn't ask any questions. I feel angry, too. Forget about him, and I am trying to do the same thing as well.

 

Snug

[floatinglotus]

Hi & sorry for the belated reply.

 

OK, the affair ran almost a year and he's been married 8 years.

 

I was exactly where you are two months ago. I had started to think about calling her but it wasn't until one evening when he was upset with me for "asking questions" that I hung up on him and without even thinking, picked up the phone and dialled her number. My heart was racing but I felt relieved that it was all finally over.

 

At the time I hoped she would dump him like a hotcake but now that I've moved on, I don't really care two hoots. I feel sorry for him but he got himself into the situation. I do believe he'll never be happy. Not in the real sense of the word. But I do hope he finds peace with himself and realises what he's done.

 

If telling her gives you peace, then whatever your true intentions are for telling the wife, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, you need to find happiness for you. If I had not told her then I believe I would have been a mental wreck for a very very long time. Telling her opened up my life again and I frankly don't care what others say were my real motives. I healed and I moved on.

 

So good luck to you and keep us posted.

 

FL

[Shana]

Shana,

 

Shana, are you the BS or the OW?

 

If you are happy with your choice then Kudos to you. I just think you deserve better, that's all. You seem like good people.

 

I don't know what BS means. OW, no I am not that either, just a women is a strong committed relationship...

[veronese]

I have recorded several telephone conversations of my MM and I. Several very good conversations all on tape.

 

I plan on telling the wife everything including sending her the tapes.

 

This is the only way I can move on with my life. I have tried everything else including no contact for 4 months. My pain just grew worse. In this particular case they have no kids and I know the wife would definitely want to know.

 

I need this closure, I cannot move on knowing MM is getting away with having his cake and eating it too and not paying a consequence. I also know if I were the wife I would most definitely want to know!

 

He has been married for 5 years... he has hade me on the side throughout the entire marriage and the proof is on tape. What do you think his wife will do to him?

 

He is dead meat. I believe she would divorce him and take him for every cent he has.

 

 

None of my H's 'friends' felt the need to inform me of their existences in my H's life, one for over ten years! They knew their 'friendships' with him were secrets which still puzzles me....but I was portrayed as a wife who just doesn't understand these things (lol)

 

Anyway, I would have liked to have been told even by one of the women. It wouldn't necessarily have endeared her to me but if she told me courteously and without malice I would have appreciated her decision and been grateful to know the truth.

 

I've read lots of posts discouraging OW from informing the wives, but providing the reason for doing so is not borne out of spite IMO the information, painful though it may be, should be laid out so the wife can see who she is REALLY married to.

 

If they then decide to work on their marriage then that's great, providing the H isn't filling her head with crap. If they stay together at least it's based on truth and facts and not a pile of bs

 

V

[veronese]

Yesterday a good friend confessed to a two year long emotional affair with a work colleague. She had talked about him to me in the early stages but kept quiet when I discovered my husband had several special women on the back burner himself and my friend could see how painful it was for me.

 

They haven't been intimate but are now both in love with one another, declarations not made to the other but divulged to another colleague independently.

 

 

My friend is a professional OW. She doesn't want him for herself - 4 kids to support and visits every other weekend don't appeal to her. She insists there's nothing going on but can't defend this comment when I remind her that they both love each other and are emotionally involved. The age old head in the sand method when they can convince themselves of no wrong doing so long as they haven't touched!

 

His wife is apparently a domineering old cow who has him under her thumb (aren't we all?). Her youngest child is 4 months old. She's getting suspicious after having seen them in a car together and recently phoned my friend asking if her H was with her?!!

 

I told my friend the wife was on to them, she said "but there's nothing going on!" - sigh...

 

Dilemma - I would want to know if my H was close to someone and hadn't mentioned it to me, so should I tell the wife? I found their address in less than five mins.

 

It could cause my friend grief (who knows how much), could cause the wife distress if she is indeed in the dark (which I suspect), could freak the H out (which doesn't concern me), and obviously possibly damage the kids should they break up (my main worry).

 

Surely this would be best nipped in the bud now before the wanker completely loses his senses in his la la land of fantasy and excitement? It does appear to be moving steadily towards more involvement emotionally and perhaps physically.

 

What do you guys advise?