Two years later

[MajesticUnicorn]

Not sure how to feel about this situation. I was the dumpee.

 

I dated my ex all throughout college. He was a few years older than me, and when he graduated he moved across the country for a new job. We dated long distance for about 6 months, and then he broke up with me.

 

He is an amazing guy, like seriously a diamond in the rough especially with guys my age. He treated me so well even when I didn't deserve it, he was my best friend, and I don't think I've met anyone who really *got* me like he did.

 

He was totally the "one that got away," for me. I always chalked it up to being the right person, wrong time sort of deal. When we dated, I was young and immature and didn't realize how relationships were supposed to be really.

 

Some things that screwed us up (on my end):

-I had an incredibly low sex drive at the time when we dated, due to the antidepressants and birth control I was on. After we broke up, I discontinued both of these...then enters my "party girl" phase where I hooked up with a lot of people, had fun, and realized how awesome sex is.

 

-I was struggling with a lot of anxiety when we dated. I was pretty insecure in myself and saw other women as a threat to our relationship. I seriously feel so stupid looking back at it. I can confidently say now that I am content with myself, anxiety-free, and hate being controlled and would hate to control someone else.

 

So essentially, I would say what lead to our break up was partially the distance, partially me needing to do some MAJOR work on myself. Which is why in a way I am grateful for our break up because it really did allow me to get to know myself better, and shaped me into the strong and independent woman I am now.

 

Anyway, when we broke up the reasoning behind it was needing time apart to work on ourselves. He said he didn't want to call it a "break," because he doesn't believe in those. But told me that he hopes somewhere down the line our paths will cross again and we can give it another shot. I know people may say that to soften the blow...but it was *in my mind* realistic, because we both had dreams of one day ending up in the same city we were in love with.

 

I was heartbroken for so long over him. I did NC mostly, wished him a happy birthday here and there and he did the same for me. I backed off when I saw on Facebook that he was dating another girl. That hurt me even more, and is what lead me to wipe him from all of my social media. Of course curiosity would get the best of me and I would check his Facebook now and then to see if they were still together. I convinced myself they were going to end up together.

 

Just last year I thought about writing him on Christmas wishing him well and trying to make amends. Of course I realized this was a horrible idea, and never did it. Then last March another one of my ex's passed away, and again I felt as if I wanted to reach out...if nothing more to thank him for our time together because that situation taught me that time is fleeting, and I never want to leave anything unsaid.

 

It may sound like I was hung up on him or still am, but truth be told though this broke my heart so much, eventually I was able to move on. I have dated around a lot, had a somewhat serious rebound. I also enjoyed the single life and working on myself.

 

Again it has been my end goal to end up in this certain city. I got serious about it in June and started to apply for jobs. I was out there quite frequently interviewing. Nothing has come of it yet, but I continue to apply and am saving up to make the move. My plan right now is November, but who knows for sure. All I know is I am tired of waiting around to follow my dreams and I am going to get there one way or another.

 

So around the same time I started applying for jobs out there I decided to look at my ex's FB page, saw he was single again. I didn't reach out but thought it was interesting and of course was curious what happened. I knew it was around the 2 year mark that he had been required (by contract) to stay in his current city.

 

In August, to my surprise he added me on Snapchat. Kinda weird. I wasn't sure what to think of it but accepted it. He saw I was in the city where I wish to move (and he wishes to move to as well) and struck up a conversation. He just moved there in September. Since then, we have been talking quite frequently. Some conversations rather long. Other times the Snapchatting would happen when I was out drinking. This happened a few weekends ago and I apologized the next day for it. He told me, "it's okay. I was responding to you and I was completely sober if that tells you anything." Now, he has been snapping me every day.

 

Recently, he sent me a song he thought I would like. A few days ago I told him how I was feeling discouraged with my job search, and he sent me this funny motivational video he says he used to watch for encouragement. Today he sent me some link about these adorable fluffy baby cows that I'm obsessed with.

 

If this would have happened a year ago, I would be beside myself with excitement. Now I am just wondering how to proceed. If I'm being completely honest, I am happy we are talking again. I find myself smiling when we are. I have felt for the longest time that he was the one that got away, and now it seems like I'm getting my second chance. I've wished for this for so long, if nothing else to talk to him and show him how much I have changed since we dated.

 

Idk. Anyone ever been a dumpee who reconciled with their dumper before?

[frigginlost]

It's been long enough since the breakup, and as a guy, I don't think I would be putting any effort like he has with an ex thinking her as someone I just want to be friends with.

 

Ride it out for a little while. See where it goes.

 

You're at a stage where it could go either way and you're comfortable with it. That is extremely healthy. It would lead to "new relationship" kind of deal if it progressed that way.

 

Just ride it out for a little while...

[BC1980]

It could develop into something, and it could be a big disappointment. I would see how it plays out, but I wouldn't let it go on indefinitely. Are you going to meet up with him?

[RobMele]

defo can give you solid advise on this,

 

the good news is he still likes you and has feelings for you

 

the bad news is you dont want to seem to available and ready just to jump back into things because if youre too easy then you wont be intresting for him and he will friendzone you

 

I would proceed with caution and expect him to be doing most work here in terms of starting conversations and so on..

 

And to be honest if youre in same city and still havent met up after few month then youre just his reliable backup option casue his going through low point in his life..

 

I would like to see more commitment from him to get closer and not be over excited by it all..

[MajesticUnicorn]

It's been long enough since the breakup, and as a guy, I don't think I would be putting any effort like he has with an ex thinking her as someone I just want to be friends with.

 

Ride it out for a little while. See where it goes.

 

You're at a stage where it could go either way and you're comfortable with it. That is extremely healthy. It would lead to "new relationship" kind of deal if it progressed that way.

 

Just ride it out for a little while...

 

It could develop into something, and it could be a big disappointment. I would see how it plays out, but I wouldn't let it go on indefinitely. Are you going to meet up with him?

 

defo can give you solid advise on this,

 

the good news is he still likes you and has feelings for you

 

the bad news is you dont want to seem to available and ready just to jump back into things because if youre too easy then you wont be intresting for him and he will friendzone you

 

I would proceed with caution and expect him to be doing most work here in terms of starting conversations and so on..

 

And to be honest if youre in same city and still havent met up after few month then youre just his reliable backup option casue his going through low point in his life..

 

I would like to see more commitment from him to get closer and not be over excited by it all..

 

I am definitely proceeding with caution. Part of me doesn't even know if I would want to get back with him if given the offer. Like yes, a year ago I would have loved this opportunity. Now I feel like I am over the relationship, but at the same point I am not opposed to seeing where it goes. We had a very good friendship at the base of our relationship, and I truly don't mind being his friend. Right now I really do just think of him as a friend, but I know friendship isn't really sustainable for ex's.

 

My timeline as of right now for my move is sometime within the next couple months. Ideally the beginning of November, but it's going to depend on how some of my circumstances play out. He has mentioned meeting up to get a drink and catching up. For the most part I haven't really thrown myself into communicating with him. If he Snapchats, I respond most of the time but I'm not usually the one initiating contact.

 

I think I am just going to have very low expectations. If something comes of meeting up with him, great. If not I suppose that will be a sign that it's time to put it to rest once and for all.

[BC1980]

I am definitely proceeding with caution. Part of me doesn't even know if I would want to get back with him if given the offer. Like yes, a year ago I would have loved this opportunity. Now I feel like I am over the relationship, but at the same point I am not opposed to seeing where it goes. We had a very good friendship at the base of our relationship, and I truly don't mind being his friend. Right now I really do just think of him as a friend, but I know friendship isn't really sustainable for ex's.

 

My timeline as of right now for my move is sometime within the next couple months. Ideally the beginning of November, but it's going to depend on how some of my circumstances play out. He has mentioned meeting up to get a drink and catching up. For the most part I haven't really thrown myself into communicating with him. If he Snapchats, I respond most of the time but I'm not usually the one initiating contact.

 

I think I am just going to have very low expectations. If something comes of meeting up with him, great. If not I suppose that will be a sign that it's time to put it to rest once and for all.

 

That sounds like a solid plan. It doesn't sound like you are overly invested in the outcome, which is good. And you have a timeframe, which I think is necessary.

[HiCrunchy]

I am happy for you. Take it slow. See where it goes.

 

Take it easy dear

[frigginlost]

I am definitely proceeding with caution. Part of me doesn't even know if I would want to get back with him if given the offer. Like yes, a year ago I would have loved this opportunity. Now I feel like I am over the relationship, but at the same point I am not opposed to seeing where it goes. We had a very good friendship at the base of our relationship, and I truly don't mind being his friend. Right now I really do just think of him as a friend, but I know friendship isn't really sustainable for ex's.

 

My timeline as of right now for my move is sometime within the next couple months. Ideally the beginning of November, but it's going to depend on how some of my circumstances play out. He has mentioned meeting up to get a drink and catching up. For the most part I haven't really thrown myself into communicating with him. If he Snapchats, I respond most of the time but I'm not usually the one initiating contact.

 

I think I am just going to have very low expectations. If something comes of meeting up with him, great. If not I suppose that will be a sign that it's time to put it to rest once and for all.

 

Outstanding. You are in an extremely healthy place emotionally. You're seeing things from an elevated view (the whole picture).

 

The only time any reconciliation can take place (if it even goes that way) is from that standpoint.

 

You're going to be fine no matter which way it goes, but if I were a betting man, I would venture a guess that your ex may "up" his interactions with you. Your maturity about everything is going to tickle his "chase" instinct.

 

Best of luck to you, keep us posted. And well done on your growth!

Edited October 11, 2017 by frigginlost

[MajesticUnicorn]

Hey all!

 

So I’m making the move next week (Thursday or Friday) which is both terrifying and exciting. I’m looking forward to a new environment, new dating scene, etc.

 

As my move gets closer, I am wondering what I should do. Reach out to him to meet up? Do nothing and see if he takes initiative? As mentioned, I don’t really feel invested in this at this point, but it would be nice to see a familiar face in a city I am brand new to.

 

Our communication has still been pretty steady. We Snapchat at least a few times a day, some days more than that and include actual conversations. A lot of it has been revolving around my move. He made a Spotify playlist for my long road trip ahead of me...which we used to bond over music a lot but I still think making a playlist for someone is more than a little friendly. I’ve tried not to make myself too readily available but our communication has been pretty good.

 

Idk, just trying to figure out how to proceed.

[frigginlost]

Hey all!

 

So I’m making the move next week (Thursday or Friday) which is both terrifying and exciting. I’m looking forward to a new environment, new dating scene, etc.

 

As my move gets closer, I am wondering what I should do. Reach out to him to meet up? Do nothing and see if he takes initiative? As mentioned, I don’t really feel invested in this at this point, but it would be nice to see a familiar face in a city I am brand new to.

 

Our communication has still been pretty steady. We Snapchat at least a few times a day, some days more than that and include actual conversations. A lot of it has been revolving around my move. He made a Spotify playlist for my long road trip ahead of me...which we used to bond over music a lot but I still think making a playlist for someone is more than a little friendly. I’ve tried not to make myself too readily available but our communication has been pretty good.

 

Idk, just trying to figure out how to proceed.

 

You would be correct. That is a little bit more than just being friendly. I don't make playlists for my "girl friends". His interest is starting to ramp up.

 

Yes, it would be fine to ask him to meet up. You have the perfect excuse to do so. You are going to be in a new town and a friendly face will help. You will also be able to gauge his interest more by seeing him face to face...

[dumbass2]

Keep the same type of communication going, but I wouldn't ask to get together as soon as you get there. Maybe wait a week or so and get acclimated a bit to your change.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Well, I think I may have been overthinking things...

 

It's been a little over a week since my move, but I have not reached out to him to get together. We have been chatting every day prior, during my move, and since I got here. We even jokingly matched on Bumble with each other.

 

He still has been very flirty....

 

i.e, he asked me to send him a video tour of my new room. I did so and my legs were in the video and I was wearing short shorts. He told me he was at work but wish he didn't have to wear pants (lol), I responded saying yeah that may be frowned upon in your workplace, and he responded by saying apparently he needs to be in my room to not have to wear pants

 

(???) LOL that one caught me a bit off guard.

 

But at the same point, he has been making kind of snide comments at me that are a bit annoying, and make me wonder if he is genuinely interested in reconnecting with me or just having fun.

 

For example, when he sees I have been out at a bar, he asked me "how many fake numbers did you have to give out tonight?" or asks me, "how the guys are" there. I was with a guy friend at the time who told me it seemed like he was interested but just trying to play it cool.

 

Then tonight, what kind of led me to post this, he snapped me saying, "About to go on a Bumble date, pray I don't do anything stupid."

 

I opened it and did not respond. I guess it's not too late to respond if I think of something snide to say back, but at the same point it annoys me a bit that he thinks I would want to know about the dates he is going on.

 

I have been keeping my options open, and definitely am eager to try out this new dating scene where I'm at. I just wonder if my ex is even worth messing with, or what his intentions are because he seems to be sending mixed signals.

[marky00]

that sounds like the stuff my ex used to say when we briefly re-kindled a year after she dumped me.

 

Those snide remarks are real and your gut is registering them as being inappropriate for a reason. I think just like my ex, your Ex probably likes you as a person and there is some form of physical attraction so you end up being a potential "friend with benefits" type of option to them.

 

I don't think this will end well. The more you hang around, those snide remarks and disrespect will seep through more and more.

[MajesticUnicorn]

that sounds like the stuff my ex used to say when we briefly re-kindled a year after she dumped me.

 

Those snide remarks are real and your gut is registering them as being inappropriate for a reason. I think just like my ex, your Ex probably likes you as a person and there is some form of physical attraction so you end up being a potential "friend with benefits" type of option to them.

 

I don't think this will end well. The more you hang around, those snide remarks and disrespect will seep through more and more.

 

Yeah, at this point my instinct is telling me to pull back and limit my contact again. It’s become more annoying/irritating than anything else at this point.

 

If something strikes a chord with him and he genuinely wants to see me, I may be open to it. But at this point I think I’m wasting my time and I won’t be going out of my way to talk to him.

[frigginlost]

that sounds like the stuff my ex used to say when we briefly re-kindled a year after she dumped me.

 

Those snide remarks are real and your gut is registering them as being inappropriate for a reason. I think just like my ex, your Ex probably likes you as a person and there is some form of physical attraction so you end up being a potential "friend with benefits" type of option to them.

 

I don't think this will end well. The more you hang around, those snide remarks and disrespect will seep through more and more.

 

With respect, I'm going to disagree with this.

 

From how I see it, your ex is showing massive insecurities regarding you. He's fishing for answers on where you stand. He's showing a little bit of immaturity, by trying to get you jealous.

 

You're doing the right thing by backing a way a little bit.

 

He'll be back shortly.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Well, update time!

 

We got together. He invited me down to his city one night on a whim and I told him I would’ve came if he had invited me sooner. He told me he had invited me multiple times but I brushed it off. (In reality, he was casually dropping hints that I apparently didn’t pick up on). Anyway shortly after that he came to visit me and we went to dinner and drinks.

 

It went well. Of course I was very nervous as I waited for him to arrive and we both felt that way at the beginning of the night. The drinks helped. We somehow ended up playing a drinking game and just sharing everything that had gone on in our lives while we were apart. I asked him if there were any defining moments or challenges he had that he was thankful he experienced. He told me it was breaking up with his gf (not me, the rebound). He told me it taught him that he shouldn’t string someone along he doesn’t see a future with just because he likes the person. We talked about it a bit more and I mentioned that our break up was similar. He told me, not at all, that he never doubted us having a future together, the timing and distance just wasn’t right.

 

Ended up getting somewhat physical.

 

Yes, I know I probably broke every rule of meeting up with your ex again... (drinking, deep conversations, intimacy). But it was good to catch up and I’ve found that he seems to be even more interested in me now...this all happened right before the holidays and he’s been trying to get me to come visit him now.

 

Again, still treading cautiously. I won’t say that I’m unintersted, but because I have been dating around and getting to know my new town, I am not in any place to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s kind of crazy that this all happened. Two years ago I never ever would’ve imagined this, but I’m not really opposed to it so I’m going to casually keep pursuing and see where it goes I suppose.

[pret]

Well, update time!

 

We got together. He invited me down to his city one night on a whim and I told him I would’ve came if he had invited me sooner. He told me he had invited me multiple times but I brushed it off. (In reality, he was casually dropping hints that I apparently didn’t pick up on). Anyway shortly after that he came to visit me and we went to dinner and drinks.

 

It went well. Of course I was very nervous as I waited for him to arrive and we both felt that way at the beginning of the night. The drinks helped. We somehow ended up playing a drinking game and just sharing everything that had gone on in our lives while we were apart. I asked him if there were any defining moments or challenges he had that he was thankful he experienced. He told me it was breaking up with his gf (not me, the rebound). He told me it taught him that he shouldn’t string someone along he doesn’t see a future with just because he likes the person. We talked about it a bit more and I mentioned that our break up was similar. He told me, not at all, that he never doubted us having a future together, the timing and distance just wasn’t right.

 

Ended up getting somewhat physical.

 

Yes, I know I probably broke every rule of meeting up with your ex again... (drinking, deep conversations, intimacy). But it was good to catch up and I’ve found that he seems to be even more interested in me now...this all happened right before the holidays and he’s been trying to get me to come visit him now.

 

Again, still treading cautiously. I won’t say that I’m unintersted, but because I have been dating around and getting to know my new town, I am not in any place to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s kind of crazy that this all happened. Two years ago I never ever would’ve imagined this, but I’m not really opposed to it so I’m going to casually keep pursuing and see where it goes I suppose.

 

Thank you for returning to provide an update, and please continue to do so as things unfold.

 

I think when you are at the place where you are (not desperate to get him back), you are more free to just what with what feels good.

 

I'm rooting for you wherever this experience takes you.

[frigginlost]

Well, update time!

 

We got together. He invited me down to his city one night on a whim and I told him I would’ve came if he had invited me sooner. He told me he had invited me multiple times but I brushed it off. (In reality, he was casually dropping hints that I apparently didn’t pick up on). Anyway shortly after that he came to visit me and we went to dinner and drinks.

 

It went well. Of course I was very nervous as I waited for him to arrive and we both felt that way at the beginning of the night. The drinks helped. We somehow ended up playing a drinking game and just sharing everything that had gone on in our lives while we were apart. I asked him if there were any defining moments or challenges he had that he was thankful he experienced. He told me it was breaking up with his gf (not me, the rebound). He told me it taught him that he shouldn’t string someone along he doesn’t see a future with just because he likes the person. We talked about it a bit more and I mentioned that our break up was similar. He told me, not at all, that he never doubted us having a future together, the timing and distance just wasn’t right.

 

Ended up getting somewhat physical.

 

Yes, I know I probably broke every rule of meeting up with your ex again... (drinking, deep conversations, intimacy). But it was good to catch up and I’ve found that he seems to be even more interested in me now...this all happened right before the holidays and he’s been trying to get me to come visit him now.

 

Again, still treading cautiously. I won’t say that I’m unintersted, but because I have been dating around and getting to know my new town, I am not in any place to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s kind of crazy that this all happened. Two years ago I never ever would’ve imagined this, but I’m not really opposed to it so I’m going to casually keep pursuing and see where it goes I suppose.

 

You did just fine.

 

For some reason, I can read this guy based on your posts. What I thoroughly love about your situation is where you are at emotionally. You should be a role model for anyone going down the reconciliation path. You're cautious but in tune, you're slow but steady, and you're listening instead of hearing. You are handling everything perfectly.

 

Now comes the tough part. He has shown his cards with you regarding how he always saw no problem with the future with you, but now he is going to start doing some heavy thinking. I have no doubt by your actions and maturity that you are *extremely* attractive to him right now. Your handling of everything in the way you did showed the massive maturity of a well rounded mature female. He's noticed.

 

Keep going and doing things the way you are. You're doing just fine. Stay cautious and keep doing you. Things are looking good...

[fiskadoro]

How do you plan to address the snide comments if they continue? Do you dislike snide/snarky comments in general, or just about who you may or may not be dating?

 

I think his comments about you and other guys might be concerning. You have been open with each other in your talks, so he ought to be able to bring up stuff like this without making you upset or feel less than.

[BC1980]

Again, still treading cautiously. I won’t say that I’m unintersted, but because I have been dating around and getting to know my new town, I am not in any place to put all my eggs in one basket. It’s kind of crazy that this all happened. Two years ago I never ever would’ve imagined this, but I’m not really opposed to it so I’m going to casually keep pursuing and see where it goes I suppose.

 

I'm glad you met up with him because I think a move needed to be made. But I would be cautious. You don't live in the same town right? If that's what broke you up before, that problem will rear its ugly head again at some point. You don't sound like you're hung up on it, so I don't think it's a bad thing to keep your options open. However, the longer these things get strung out, the less the chances are that he will want to get back together with you. I wouldn't give him too much more time to make a move. I'm assuming you want to get back together with him. Be careful. Don't get too involved in this unless he's serious because you run the risk of getting hurt.