Husband Relasped, Seperated, Wants to Move Back

[BreakingPoint10]

My husband and I had been together for 9 years and married 6 years. He's 32 and I'm 27. We met shortly after I turned 18. He had been in recovery from a crack cocaine addiction for four years. Two years into our relationship I found I was pregnant. It wasn't planned and I was on birth control. I hadn't planned on having children iwth him but it happened. Two months after our daughter was born we got married.

 

Our whole relationship he had been clean. He completed his GED, and went to community college. Got a job he had been at for the past two years. He was making decent money.

 

Six months ago I started to notice awkward behavior. He'd spend more time in the garage, and would "leave" work early and go to the gym. I've noticed two paychecks in a row that were 100.00 short. At first, I believed him. Then one day I noticed a 200.00 withdrawal and when confronted him about it he said he lent it to a friend. Rent was due in two days and we wouldn't have had enough for both rent and our car payment.

 

I asked him straight out if he had been using. He hesitated and said no. I told him to leave and not come back until he could be honest. HE came back two days later and admitted he had been using crack on and off for the past two months. That the 200.00 was for crack. He said he tried to control it but admits it has gotten out of control.

 

We've been separated for four months and he wants to move back in. He has taken three drug tests, the first one he failed, but the last two (in the last two months) he had passed. I don't trust him. He has been maintaining employment, seeing our daughter almost every evening for a few horus and attending NA meetings, but I"m just so hurt, humiliated and never wanted this for my relationship.

 

My family is telling me to give him another chance, but I just don't know. We have a 6-year-old daughter I have to think about.

 

Any advice?

Edited October 6, 2017 by BreakingPoint10

[BettyDraper]

I'm so sorry you're having this problem.

It sounds like you only married your husband because of your child. That rarely turns out well.

 

If you're not sure what to do, you can stay separated for a year and see if your husband cleans up. Don't let him come home until he has been clean for at least six months. You don't want a crack user around your daughter. They can be very unpredictable.

[BreakingPoint10]

I do love him and I did marry him because I loved him, and also because I wanted us all to have the same last name.

[kalika]

Addicts are addicts for life. He may sober up, and then relapse again in a few years. This is a lifelong struggle and relapses do occur, unfortunately.

 

The problem is, you have a family to worry about, bills to pay, and you can't rely on uncertainty. He has already prioritized crack over your family because you may not have enough money to pay the bills due to him spending money he didn't have to spend. You will always be looking over your shoulder, so to speak. Only you can decide if you want to continue living life that way.

 

Exposing your daughter to a crack addict is much worse than being divorced. This is true simply because a crack addict only cares about crack. He will act accordingly, and he will make decisions based around obtaining and using crack. As much as you love him, he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change for good. That will only happen if he loses you guys. I feel like letting him move back will enable him to continue using, and if he moves back, you'll always be wondering if every missing $10 or $20 will be because he's using.

 

You will also never be able to really depend on him, and there is the very real possibility that he may put your entire life, your home, your money, your valuables, your assets, your daughter, and everything you are working for at risk.

 

Only you can decide if you can live with that uncertainty, but you need to put your daughter first, NOT him. Personally, if it were me, unless and until he had demonstrated a long period of consistent sobriety - not just a month or two, but A YEAR OR TWO - I would not let him come back and ruin both of your lives.

Edited October 7, 2017 by kalika

[BreakingPoint10]

Everyone is correct here. I thought about it and discussed it with a close friend. My friend suggested I make a compromise with my husband.. It'd be the only way to give him/us hope and to see how serious he is.

 

I want to suggest to him at least a one-year separation. We had been separated for 4 months. I want to do things as a family, he attend NA meetings (as he has been) for at least a year, occasional sleepover and he can continue to see his daughter whenever he wants (as long as he is clean). Any more conditions or suggestions before I bring this up with him.

[BluesPower]

Yes, I have some additional suggestions...

 

Weekly drug tests from here until further notice.

 

Complete access to his phone in person and online so you can check it everything he does.

 

Listen, I lived with an addict for 20 out of 26 years of my marriage. The worst part was that she kept it hidden until about 3 years ago. That is maybe worse, because I just could not figure out what was going on.

 

Here is the thing, yeah, she finally got sober, as far as I know, but the marriage still fell apart. The main reason is that when she was sober, finally, and I actually had an idea of what I had been dealing with, I was able to figure out that she never really loved me. That was the final straw.

 

She could never understand why I was so upset about what she had been doing to me and our family for 20 years. This was/is a sign of her emotional immaturity that happens with addicts.

 

And, this is the next thing that you will have to deal with... The emotional development of addict/alcoholics is actually halted when they start using to NOT deal with the adult emotions that the rest of us learn to deal with as a natural course of life.

 

So, not only will you have to constantly worry about whether or not he has relapsed, at some point you will notice childish emotional issues from him as well.

 

The question is... Are you will to deal with all of these problems now and in the future?

 

I did it for a long, long time and I can tell you that in the end, it is just not worth it, no matter how much you love someone...

[Art_Critic]

IMO, 2 months isn't enough and the fact his first test he tested postitive should show you he is on wobbly legs.. 6 months to a year sobriety maybe..

 

I would ask him what he is doing to stay clean and sober.. is he living a 12 step life, going to NA meetings etc etc..

 

If he isn't and doesn't live a day by day life I would just move on as he will just use in the future and each tome he uses it will be worse and you will be more codependent on him.

 

Remember that it is up to him to show/prove to you he is clean...

[Simple Logic]

Do you want to continue to the marriage? If you do, let him return where you can monitor his behavior and spending and lend support.

[submart]

No offense NA meetings alone won't do much. I'd suggest for him to get into an inpatient recovery program if finances permit. If not, he would benefit from individual counseling on a weekly basis, a structured daily routine, you having full control over finances, etc. And if he is going to NA meetings is he working the steps? Look over his step homework. Does he have a sponsor?