Mayday2016 Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 If you remember my threads you'll remember I was pregnant by my AP partner. We were both married but I was pursuing divorce. Here is an update. ExAP is divorced. He refuses contact with our daughter and he hates me. Our daughter turns 2 in December. She is beautiful and bright but unfortunately has diminished hearing. I actually had to see exAP, the treatments for her hearing loss are expensive and I wanted to make sure he would help pay. He said "all this was about was money" and the big one, "you ruined my life." mind you he cheated on his ex-wife with another woman, might have been more but he wouldn't admit. He does not see our daughter, at all. He refuses pictures and has no interest in knowing her. He is divorced now, his ex has custody of their child and she just remarried a man recently arrested for bank robbery in order to get money to score drugs. I am so glad I made such a point of never meeting her because her impulsivity, rash decision making, and inability to keep boundaries in check. She stopped contacting me to meet or pretending to be her exhusband to meet my daughter once she filed for divorce. Me: I am divorced. My exhusband remarried a 25 year old this summer, she had a baby 9 months ago. My exhusband does not contact our children from our marriage. He pays his child support due to state garnishment. I am going to school! I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am not dating nor am I having sex with anyone. But a part of me misses that year and a half with exMM. The psychological **** he put me through has burned him into my brain. It is like he has a permanent spot reserved in my head and I hate that. I hate that so much. I'm doing well but really lonely. The kids are doing well. It's hard navigating life as a completely single mom but I'm doing it. I love my daughter more than I could have ever thought possible, the kids love her, my family loves her and I pity exMM, because she is a wonderful little girl and his refusal to know her is really a big loss for him.. Even though he's too narcissistic to understand that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Good for you, for putting one foot in front of the other everyday - caring for your children, going back to school... That is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry that you are lonely, but you are doing the right thing by not dating now. Your children need you and clearly, your picker is a little off because you have chosen not one but two, very unreliable men in your life. For now, I hope you have friends or perhaps even a dog to help with the loneliness. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 You're on the right path. It can be a lonely path at times but stay the course and better days will come. I don't know what your source of info is regarding what is going on in your ExMM's life and his exwife's life, but shut that source down. Hearing anything about the MM or any people connected to him keeps him and the affair active in your brain. You don't need to talk to him regarding more money for your daughter. In my area all that stuff goes through a child support enforcement agency. There is probably something similar where you live, a legal channel you would contact to get child support increased or additional funds for medical issues. You don't need to ever talk to your exMM. He needs to be dead to you. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Some people just aren't meant to be responsible for anything more than a goldfish...if that. He sounds like one of those people. Your children will bring you a lot of joy now and in the future. Just think of all the wonderful experiences you're going to have. Cooing over a scraped knee, kisses and hugs at bedtime, feeling really proud ( and sad) once they have all started school, being there for their first crush and broken heart, then one day, watching them walk across the stage to accept their high school diploma and then it will be off to university, college or whatever the next stage int their life will be. There is every chance they will achieve success, as they have had a mom who was tough enough to do it all on her own. btw, I don't know how you are hearing the information about your ex-mm and his now ex wife. That is weird that you still keep tabs on them. Just stop. It's not good for you, and is keeping you in a place you don't need to be. Let it go, wish them well and be glad they are someone elses problem. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 (((((Mayday2016!))))) was great to read your update! I have wondered how you are and now to find out you're in school and doing so well is fantastic! I am so proud of you! Yes, I can imagine your little girl is adorable and wonderful! It would be good for her to know her dad and maybe someday she will but in the meantime might be easier for you not to have to share her with him. You really dodged a bullet in not staying in a R with him! Yes, can imagine it did a number on you with all you went through with him. But, you have come out of it so well! Wow, the exW sure knows how to pick 'em, huh? A bank robber as a husband! And her ex was supposedly so well connected. How on earth does a person meet a bank robber to date and marry? Yes, I do recall how flaky she seemed from the things you shared about her. Glad you have stayed away from her. What are you studying? Does your family help you with child care? I hope so! So glad you updated with this post, Mayday2016! It is so good to read this from you! Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 your poor kids, theses mens need to grow up, they are better off without them. just leave the door open for them to see the kids. i have 10mth old to exmm. he made me get dna is his son Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Times flies eh. I hope your daughter gets all the medical assistance she needs. Glad you hear you are back in school. It must be hectic managing three children and studies. Be careful how you judge his Ex wife, because you know she could equally judge you for what you did. Nobody has come off better from this affair. Not you, not him, not her, your DD, or his DD. It seems both you and his Ex have something in common though .... picking men who aren't the best. I don't understand why your ExH has abandoned his children through. That's very sad. Are you in touch with his family? Parents etc? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) I am sorry your children have no contact with their father through his choice. I and my ex H split up, there was no affair but he had very different views toward bringing up children. His was far more based on his authority and mine on love, me and my son left when my son was 3 yrs old. I tried everything I could to have him in our son's life, but he made the odd visit, then went off to, as he put it, live his life. He went on to move in and marry a very nice woman and her young girl and never gave our son a backward look. He asked many times if I would go back to him, but i knew he would soon revert to his old shouty ways. It was hard on my boy, he always wondered why his father didn't want him, blamed himself for not being a good enough son, it was heartbreaking. I met and married my now husband, we have been together over 30 yrs and he has been the Dad my son never had. They have a wonderful relationship, he has had more of a hand in shaping the boy to the wonderful man he is than his biological father ever did. We had no financial support from my son's father, nor contact, well he did contact us when my boy was about 14 and promised him the moon on a stick, this never followed though and made things worse for a while. My son's grandparents didn't stay in touch either. A few years ago my ex asked to meet my son who was 30 yrs old, they met and my son says he knows strangers better and he and his father had nothing in common. It laid to rest all his fears and misgivings and doubts. I have no words for parents who abandon their children, to me, they are the losers, they miss out on seeing their children grow up, miss all the love and good times, yes bad times too but as parents we know they soon blow over. I am glad you are getting your life back on track, I had 3 jobs to pay my way through university and went on to have a great professional life, meeting my H was wonderful, he has been with us and a Dad to our son. It is hard creating a life with children and no support, but you sound as though you are doing more than fine I am glad you have seen the XMM for what he is, you and your children deserve so much better. I wish for you and your children a bright and wonderful future, don't try to wonder why their fathers haven't kept in touch, you will never work it out because you, like me and others love our children too much to imagine a situation where we would do what they have done. Just be happy. xxx Edited October 9, 2017 by seren 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Matahari007 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Seren all in all it seems that you are doing pretty well. Congrats on going back to school! That is a big step and one that will be very rewarding once you finish. It also keeps you busy and focused. Amazing how quickly time flies and your daughter is going to be 2 years old. Since your XAP doesn't want to be involved in her life have you considered taking him for Child Support so that he can financially supports her via court order? That way you don't have to be in contact with him and ask his help for anything. It seems like you have a great supportive family and hopefully they can help you in raising her. Keep moving forward and continue doing the things you love. Wishing you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
kittencupcake Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 My aunt was deaf and she grew up to be a happy, healthy person. Side note, she is now in her 60's and just had cochlear implant surgery and has 70% hearing for the first time in her life..it was magical to see that happen but she was a perfectly happy person before that. Best of luck to your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Is ex AP also paying child support for his daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Is your ex healing from his pain of your affair? sometimes takes 5 years to heal. hope you do find a way to help him. Your and his kids would benefit. If he had less pain, then he might be able to be more involved with his/your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 Is your ex healing from his pain of your affair? sometimes takes 5 years to heal. hope you do find a way to help him. Your and his kids would benefit. If he had less pain, then he might be able to be more involved with his/your kids. I didn't have an affair while I was married. In fact, he cheated and that's wby my marriage ended. Exhusband remarried, not with one of the girls he cheated with. They live in a very far away state and had a baby 9 months ago. He hasn't called our children together since his new baby was born. School- General classes for now and then I'm starting a nursing program for my RN in fall 2019. I pay 2 years then the local hospital pays the last 2 and employs me. I'm utilizing social programs, that's what they're there for so that by the time I'm finished with school and my alimony runs out, I will be 100% financially independent. My family is ecstatic. My sister and brother in law invited me over to dinner tonight and told me how proud of me they are. That made me feel good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 Is ex AP also paying child support for his daughter? He is. He has the payments on a bill pay, they come like clockwork but about 2 months ago 2 of the checks bounced and my attorney told me to call him to let him know and ask for the bank fees. He scoffed at me on the phone, made an incredulous sounding horse type noise then hung up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 Times flies eh. I hope your daughter gets all the medical assistance she needs. Glad you hear you are back in school. It must be hectic managing three children and studies. Be careful how you judge his Ex wife, because you know she could equally judge you for what you did. Nobody has come off better from this affair. Not you, not him, not her, your DD, or his DD. It seems both you and his Ex have something in common though .... picking men who aren't the best. I don't understand why your ExH has abandoned his children through. That's very sad. Are you in touch with his family? Parents etc? I'm not. I've only met his mother a half dozen times, his father once and we were married 10 years. They both live in different states and even when we were together they had zero interest in the kids. I think that's a big part why my exhusband doesn't care Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mayday2016 Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 (((((Mayday2016!))))) was great to read your update! I have wondered how you are and now to find out you're in school and doing so well is fantastic! I am so proud of you! Yes, I can imagine your little girl is adorable and wonderful! It would be good for her to know her dad and maybe someday she will but in the meantime might be easier for you not to have to share her with him. You really dodged a bullet in not staying in a R with him! Yes, can imagine it did a number on you with all you went through with him. But, you have come out of it so well! Wow, the exW sure knows how to pick 'em, huh? A bank robber as a husband! And her ex was supposedly so well connected. How on earth does a person meet a bank robber to date and marry? Yes, I do recall how flaky she seemed from the things you shared about her. Glad you have stayed away from her. What are you studying? Does your family help you with child care? I hope so! So glad you updated with this post, Mayday2016! It is so good to read this from you! I'm going for my RN once I get all the prerequisites. I actually moved away from my parents. It was become hard with 3 little ones there and then aging. I'm relying on state subsidized care and school for them I figure these programs exist for people like me who want to get off of them so I'm going to use the 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 I didn't have an affair while I was married. In fact, he cheated and that's wby my marriage ended. Exhusband remarried, not with one of the girls he cheated with. They live in a very far away state and had a baby 9 months ago. He hasn't called our children together since his new baby was born. School- General classes for now and then I'm starting a nursing program for my RN in fall 2019. I pay 2 years then the local hospital pays the last 2 and employs me. I'm utilizing social programs, that's what they're there for so that by the time I'm finished with school and my alimony runs out, I will be 100% financially independent. My family is ecstatic. My sister and brother in law invited me over to dinner tonight and told me how proud of me they are. That made me feel good. You being divorced is pointless. You were in an affair. Marriages are for two people. Not three, husband wife and the OW (you). Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 (edited) He is. He has the payments on a bill pay, they come like clockwork but about 2 months ago 2 of the checks bounced and my attorney told me to call him to let him know and ask for the bank fees. He scoffed at me on the phone, made an incredulous sounding horse type noise then hung up. You go down to the court and you tell the judge' clerk to see if his salary can get garnished. You find a divorced women's support group for some pro bono legal work. You put your attorney to work. What not to do is be lazy. Edited October 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic ~T Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 It really is terrible that your ex H isn't interested in his children with you. Unfortunately you can't control how he behaves. What you can do is give them as much love and stability as you possibly can. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that is to do as a single parent. Sending you strength and prayers. Have you considered counseling for your kids, because sometimes in situations like this, children (depending on how old they are) internalize the pain of being abandoned by a parent and they blame themselves. Maybe a professional could help them process some of that. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I didn't have an affair while I was married. In fact, he cheated and that's wby my marriage ended. Exhusband remarried, not with one of the girls he cheated with. They live in a very far away state and had a baby 9 months ago. He hasn't called our children together since his new baby was born. School- General classes for now and then I'm starting a nursing program for my RN in fall 2019. I pay 2 years then the local hospital pays the last 2 and employs me. I'm utilizing social programs, that's what they're there for so that by the time I'm finished with school and my alimony runs out, I will be 100% financially independent. My family is ecstatic. My sister and brother in law invited me over to dinner tonight and told me how proud of me they are. That made me feel good. maybe just leave the door open for him as for the kids, and dont try make him see the kids. hope he will come right and see them soon Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 Dear Mayday, I’m a latecomer to this forum but have taken the opportunity to read all of your threads. After reading your situation as presented by you and through your lens, I’ve concluded that there are many unknown factors in this story. You have stated that your husband has cheated on you in multiple occasions, but I haven’t seen your proof (if I’m wrong, please forgive me). You stated you had met him on a dating site that specializes in meeting married individuals for a booty call. You knew the agenda of the possible connection you might engage. You did this while also being married. I can only surmise that your problem in your marriage (like other marriages) involve both parties, and both you and your exH are the blame. In this entire situation, the children of both you and the OM will suffer from this unwarranted union based on lust without consideration of either family. Sadly, you give birth to a wonderful baby who was born into a life of chaos between her biological mother and father. I do believe your pregnancy was intentional to protect the bond that was forged through this lustful union in hopes for a lasting relationship. I now see glimmers of hope via your pursuit for a career in nursing and your constructive attitude for a more productive life for you and your family. I hope and pray that your exH will understand his responsibilities for his children and re-connection with them. The father is a valuable asset in the lives his children’s, and he must take steps to be a positive role model regardless of the past relationship with the spouse. I do hope for the best for you and your family. Please stay strong on your road to recovery. You are young, and your entire life is ahead of you. I know you will make it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 If you remember my threads you'll remember I was pregnant by my AP partner. We were both married but I was pursuing divorce. Here is an update. ExAP is divorced. He refuses contact with our daughter and he hates me. Our daughter turns 2 in December. She is beautiful and bright but unfortunately has diminished hearing. I actually had to see exAP, the treatments for her hearing loss are expensive and I wanted to make sure he would help pay. He said "all this was about was money" and the big one, "you ruined my life." mind you he cheated on his ex-wife with another woman, might have been more but he wouldn't admit. He does not see our daughter, at all. He refuses pictures and has no interest in knowing her. He is divorced now, his ex has custody of their child and she just remarried a man recently arrested for bank robbery in order to get money to score drugs. I am so glad I made such a point of never meeting her because her impulsivity, rash decision making, and inability to keep boundaries in check. She stopped contacting me to meet or pretending to be her exhusband to meet my daughter once she filed for divorce. Me: I am divorced. My exhusband remarried a 25 year old this summer, she had a baby 9 months ago. My exhusband does not contact our children from our marriage. He pays his child support due to state garnishment. I am going to school! I am putting one foot in front of the other. I am not dating nor am I having sex with anyone. But a part of me misses that year and a half with exMM. The psychological **** he put me through has burned him into my brain. It is like he has a permanent spot reserved in my head and I hate that. I hate that so much. I'm doing well but really lonely. The kids are doing well. It's hard navigating life as a completely single mom but I'm doing it. I love my daughter more than I could have ever thought possible, the kids love her, my family loves her and I pity exMM, because she is a wonderful little girl and his refusal to know her is really a big loss for him.. Even though he's too narcissistic to understand that. Hey May, It's so nice to read your update!! I barely visit LS anymore so that's why my response is a bit late. I'm so proud of you and you're the best mom your kids could ever wish for! I hope you find happiness again. Much love, Adoraxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I'm not. I've only met his mother a half dozen times, his father once and we were married 10 years. They both live in different states and even when we were together they had zero interest in the kids. I think that's a big part why my exhusband doesn't care That's sad to hear, but it sounds like you have a close family who are supportive. That's no excuse for your Ex husband not seeing his children, though it's clear his family aren't close. My folks love seeing the grandchildren as much as they can. Link to post Share on other sites
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