I'm having doubts about marrying this man.

[kalika]

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but right now I'm really hurt and upset.

 

We have a moth infestation in our kitchen pantry, and my fiance basically told me it's on me to take care of it. I told him I need help and he told me, "you can do it" or that my son can help me (14 y/o). He then went off to play airsoft, which he hasn't done in a while. My son did help me a bit but it's still taken me 2 hours to go through all the food, throw out anything the months may have laid eggs in, cleaning it out, etc.

 

I just found out I'm going through a layoff (I'm the breadwinner) and I'm trying to make time to study so I can complete some industry designations while I still have a job and my company will pay for it. I'm really upset that my fiance refuses to do things around the house because "he needs help" but when I need help with something, he just tells me it's my responsibility.

 

I do most of the inside house work and he is a landscaper, so he has tools and equipment to do the yard pretty efficiently. But still, the other things that need to be done never seem to get done, and meanwhile today I have already done the dishes, laundry, and I'm trying to study as much as possible. I have also spent 2 hours cleaning out the pantry that I could have used towards studying, and later I have to go grocery shopping and clean out the cat litter. He usually does his own thing for his business on weekends, or he does other things, but he only does his own laundry (his work clothes need to be cleaned separately) and he has been doing most of the cooking. I do dishes, laundry, picking up, bills, grocery shopping, etc.

 

I feel like my fiance is very selfish at times and I am really upset that I am marrying someone like this. I think a better husband or partner would have told me he would help me when he got back from airsoft, which I suggested but he refused.

 

I tend to get very negative and immediately think about breaking up any time something like this happens. It's just a very bad mindset that I have where every time we get into an argument, I get anxious and I start thinking that I'm making a mistake being with him. That being said, we have been together for a long time and generally he's a great partner, but I do see selfishness on his part that manifests in several ways.

 

Am I completely overreacting??

Edited October 7, 2017 by kalika

[somanymistakes]

It's hard to tell if you're overreacting because we can only see what you tell us, and you may not be seeing things accurately. When it comes to household labor, both parties in a relationship are sometimes prone to over or under estimating how much the other one does. And because of that, it's easy for both parties to react emotionally without thinking, and blame each other. Either one of you may fail to realise how busy the other one is.

 

It might help for both of you to try and list out what you think you SHOULD do during the week, and what you ACTUALLY manage to get done during the week (checking things off as you've done them). If one of you is doing a lot of stuff that the other doesn't notice, this can help bring it to attention. And on the flip side, if one of you promises to do things but never actually follows through, making this clearly visible can help.

[sandylee1]

He doesn't sound like a supportive life partner. Why not have a discussion about it with him and see if that brings any changes.

 

His attitude indicated it wasn't his problem.... it's hard to respect him with that response IMO.

[stillafool]

What chores do your 14 year old do?

[Steve51]

So many women marry men thinking that they can or will change after marriage. They do not. What you see is what you will get after you marry. You should also know that romantic love as experienced in the first few years, blinds you or minimizes you mates faults. That kind of love will fade in the first few years of marriage and you will be left with the decision of whether to stay with the man or leave. If you decide to stay you will build a different kind of love. Read the below. My concern is that many married couples get divorce in their second or third year of marriage when the courtship romantic marriage goes away. In other words, what you feel now will get worse down the road.

 

https://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-passion-last-four-stages-love-t108471

 

I was engaged to a woman after dating for 4 years. It started to feel wrong slowly by surely. I felt like I was settling since she was my first sexual partner and love. Sometimes people are together so long that they feel that the next logical step is to get married. I joined the Army to get away from things and give myself time to think. My girlfriend ended up cheating after a few months after I was gone and is married to a woman. This is the single best thing that has happened to me. It was soul crushing at the time but if not for that I would not have met my wonderful wife of 45 years.

 

Don't marry unless he is all that you want in a man. Don't settle. I waited and got exactly what I wanted have had a great sex and married life.

[BlueIvy]

If you are having doubts, then it isn't for NO REASON. The way you described him, he sounds selfish and unsupportive. And especially if you are the breadwinner, seems he is getting a good deal. If you believe you can do better as you insinuate, then why settle?

 

Like someone else, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you guys get married, he is not all of a sudden gonna change into what you want.

 

I would talk it out with it and see how he responds. If he isn't receptive to what you are saying, you may wanna ask yourself can you be happy with him for a lifetime?

[IndigoNight]

 

I feel like my fiance is very selfish at times and I am really upset that I am marrying someone like this. I think a better husband or partner would have told me he would help me when he got back from airsoft, which I suggested but he refused.

 

I tend to get very negative and immediately think about breaking up any time something like this happens. It's just a very bad mindset that I have where every time we get into an argument, I get anxious and I start thinking that I'm making a mistake being with him. That being said, we have been together for a long time and generally he's a great partner, but I do see selfishness on his part that manifests in several ways.

 

Am I completely overreacting??

 

Well, you could have just ignored the moth issue, and when he got home had him deal with it. Then a minor annoyance would have very likely turned into a major argument. (They're called pantry moths, and are a nightmare to get rid of. https://www.thebalance.com/how-to-get-rid-of-pantry-moths-1389063)

 

Sorry, but, to me, you are overreacting. Just read what you wrote. Do you think he sees anything that you do as selfish? Do you think he contemplates leaving you over it? How would you feel if he felt the same as you stated that you do, and he immediately thought about leaving you whenever he felt like you were being selfish? Not a very pretty picture of "Happily ever after" is it. My mom always said "Pick your battles wisely." Is this worth the battle? Or was it just frustrating?

Edited October 11, 2017 by IndigoNight
Added info

[d0nnivain]

You two need to have some long talks about household responsibilities before you marry. Consider getting pre-marital counseling.

 

 

You don't have to break up with him just yet, but you should have this stuff worked out before heading down the aisle. This includes a long talk about finances

[MidlifeMama]

It's not about the moths or the toothpaste tube cap...you know what I mean. That's just an example you gave of him being selfish. He should have said, "I have this game, but I'll help when I get back." You sound independent and not sure how long you were a single Mom, but you've made your way. Sounds like you want a partner to help out more. Express this to him!

 

I think flags are going off for you that you can't and shouldn't ignore. Figure out what's important to you.. a partner who is considerate and shares and cares about whether you are in need or other qualities? Yes, pick and choose your battles.

 

I have always done all of the housework all 25 years of marriage. In fact the joke was when we got married that my husband said,"I don't do toilets or laundry." His Mom used to do that even as an adult for the most part, for him. He isn't a slob and occasionally helps with dishes or what not. He does the yard stuff, but I can get very resentful looking at all that I'm responsible for and he works, comes home and is done. BTW, I also work outside the home but do all the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, vet appointments, car stuff (on my day off, if needed). I have become resentful but that's on me because I allowed it all these years and never spoke up. Now that the kids are grown, and I'm still doing the load of the chores it really pisses me off.

 

It's up to me to talk about it and try to come to some kind of agreement, but we as women tend to take it on and multi-task as expected.

 

Enough of my own ranting...talk to him. If you have reservations about what is shared and certain expectations, talk about it. See if you can compromise and how he feels about sharing the load.

 

More importantly, tell him how that made you feel when he brushed you off when you needed help. That's the main thing here....it could have been anything, it's how he reacted and made you feel. If you are seeing other red flags that tell you he's not a team player, selfish or free-loading, you need to face that and do not by any means marry this person.

[Trevor John]

Hi Kalika

 

If you’re feeling under-appreciated and that you’ve been pulling more weight than your man, don’t stew about it in silence. Say to him, “I’ve been feeling crazy busy lately. Is there anything you could help take off my plate, so that I can concentrate more on my studies?”

 

He’ll either:

 

 

1. Be happy to help and happy that you let him know how he could help you.

 

2. Let you know that he’s got an equally full plate, and all the things he’s been up to. At which point, if you both calmly reflect on it, you’ll realize that the availability bias had steered you wrong.

 

3. He won’t offer to help you even though he has the time to do it.

 

If he’s the wrong kind of man, it could very well increase his disdain for you, or not change his feelings about the relationship at all. If this is his response you should probably find another man.

 

But equally important is that you analyse the reasons why you originally fell in love with this man, and are they still holding true today? It happens that a woman can often go for the wrong guy time after time if they are looking for the wrong qualities in a man.

 

But I’m sure this doesn’t apply to you(?)

 

You need to talk frankly but calmy together on this. I'll give you a link to one of my reports on communication. Feel free to download it here...

[Arieswoman]

You two need to have some long talks about household responsibilities before you marry. Consider getting pre-marital counseling.

 

 

You don't have to break up with him just yet, but you should have this stuff worked out before heading down the aisle. This includes a long talk about finances

 

 

 

 

I could not agree with this ^^^ - D0nnavain #8 - more.

 

 

I never sorted this out before I married my first husband. It ended up with me doing all the household stuff because he was a lazy @r$e. When I finally put my foot down and asked for a better distribution of chores he said he didn't need to do anything "because I worked shorter hours and had the time to do it".

We reached a stalemate and he then (unbeknown to me) went looking for a replacement who was more compliant and not so "womens' libbish " ( ! )

 

 

Now he ha remarried his AP who seems happy to pick up after him and two idle lids who have "failed to launch".

 

 

Kalika, don't make the mistake I made

[Just a Guy]

Hi Kalika, some things stand out in your OP. The first is that you said you had a 14 year old son presumably from a previous relationship. Were you married before or was your previous partner a common law one? My point in asking is that since you have been in a relationship before, I should think you would be more attuned to your needs from a partner especially what you expect from him in terms of help around the house and also financially. You said that you are the Breadwinner. Does this mean your fiance is not contributing towards the household expenses or is not earning anything at present? You also mentioned he is a Landscape worker. Does he get a lot of work and if so does he not contribute towards finances? Both of you must be in your late thirties or early forties which means habits are usually set and difficult to change.

 

All of the above notwithstanding, if you have a gut feel that things are not right with this guy then just call it off. As the stock market experts say, " Do not get romantically attached to a falling stock or one which is worthless". Do your due diligence (Some of which is a fair division of chores in the home) and then decide if your 'stock' is worth hanging on to. Hope you are able to make the right decision. Warm wishes.