wmacbride Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om? If so, how do you feel about it? I got some, they were redacted, given again, redacted, and on and on ad nauseum. At first, I accepted them, but then I realized they weren't for me, they were to assuage her guilt. What was the point in accepting them? It didn't make me feel any better, just used. I know some ow/om really do feel awful about the bs being hurt and want to apologize. If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Yes, I have gotten quite a few. And as she was telling me... She knew she would be speaking to my husband that same day. It was all BS. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Apology is useless when there is nothing but trickle truthing. Apology is just words. Action is needed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Apologies can be nice but they are temporary and need proof to be credible. I got several apologies but told her that ACTIONS FOR A LONG TIME are what will be what helps me make my decisions. Words can be cheap but actions tell the truth. "If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry?" If the apology was proven with actions then that would be an important factor in considering R. Without it R would be impossible. Edited October 7, 2017 by Mr Blunt Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Apology is useless when there is nothing but trickle truthing. Apology is just words. Action is needed. She said from the AP, not the WS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 No... However, I've gotten tons of ass-kissing and trying to be my buddy anytime I'm around him. This started slowly about 3 years after I kicked her out and left her at his house. It intensified about 6 years later when my daughters started giving us grandbabies. If it's a bday party, or the actual birth in the hospital or baby shower, he's up my ass. I want to break his arm again. He's ****ing annoying. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Apologies can be nice but they are temporary and need proof to be credible. I got several apologies but told her that ACTIONS FOR A LONG TIME are what will be what helps me make my decisions. Words can be cheap but actions tell the truth. "If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry?" If the apology was proven with actions then that would be an important factor in considering R. Without it R would be impossible. The OP was talking about from the AP, not the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 No... However, I've gotten tons of ass-kissing and trying to be my buddy anytime I'm around him. This started slowly about 3 years after I kicked her out and left her at his house. It intensified about 6 years later when my daughters started giving us grandbabies. If it's a bday party, or the actual birth in the hospital or baby shower, he's up my ass. I want to break his arm again. He's ****ing annoying. I cannot see how you can show up when know the OM is going to be there. Or stay if he shows up after you are there. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Yes, I did. Personally, it didn't matter to me either way. I never blamed her for him having an A, she just was a non factor in the whole situation. I wanted to know why he did it & what our issues were, not "why her". I figured she could have been anybody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 I cannot see how you can show up when know the OM is going to be there. Or stay if he shows up after you are there. Ehhh.....I slid thank him. I'm the most happily married guy I know. Him and her? They hardly talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Müun Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 In my experience apology from the OW is just a formality. I wrote to husband's ex when I found out after 2 years that they had sex a couple times after me and H were together already. I wrote her not to get an apology but to her know how her and my husband actions had influenced my personal life (which I am not going to repeat here). I also called her side dish **** and booty call, to feel better. Never thought I was going to da that but I actual felt better so I don't regret it. The answer I got was I am sorry, I didn't know things were so serious between you and him and I'm not a bad person. I didn't want to hurt anybody. Mind that she was in relationship too at the time. To be honest I found all this ridiculous and condescending. You might believe in karma or female solidarity or not but the fact that both your significant one and another person just do what they want pretending that you don't exist in my opinion leaves apologies as something completely unnecessary. They're just empty words. And from a person you don't want anything to do with in the future I suppose. From your partner tho, that is different, they need to apologize a lot and kiss the ground where you're walking if you've been generous enough to give them another chance (which I am trying to do). Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om? If so, how do you feel about it? macbride, your regular targeted probes into the betrayed spouse's experience are as good as a therapy session for reordering memor.y in a way that deepens understanding. As a soap opera, my story already was already more sordid and implausible than existing daytime Emmy winners, but with this question I suddenly got a whole new perspective on the meaning of personality disorder, which is now my label for socially acceptable evil. And there's not much to explain if you know the details. In her heart, she was my husband's friend, defender and protector. It superceded her loyalty to me and to my family. I was her sister-in-law, her brother's sister, her children's aunt, but after dday, her enemy. It was devastating and a complete mystery to me. All i knew was two relationships I'd relied on were destroyed. She treated me like a pariah, interpreted my questions as vitriolic and announced to everyone she was the one choosing to take a "sabbatical" from us. She apologized once with an "I'm sorry. Please forgive me" - clearly a herculean effort. It didn't take much digging to figure out why she kept calling him her "anchor" but only now I've finally put together her own justification of her betrayal of me. She'd tried to find out if things I'd said about him over the years were true but ultimately made me the persecutor (and my family). He was good at being the savior, and she surrendered to his repeat, if new to her, performance as the multi-talented, humble, sacrificing but misunderstood hero who saved her following my brother's stroke. Of course she would go with that vision of him. Her mantle as my sister-in-law, my brother's wife and my children's aunt was a public mask, absent if her loyalty to my H would be compromised. Everyone else was blind to their martyrdom as the sensitive, unappreciated outsiders to my carefree, quick-witted and well-loved family. When I asked her questions after dday, she was silent. She never revealed an iota of information. She would not betray him in her mind as her "best friend" bit in the final analysis as his would-be lover ("would-be" because they'd convinced themselves that their PA was a "stupid" accident - "stupid" and "accident" vs 'wrong' and intentional). [These things get so long and out of control on a phone. I give up trying to edit.] Link to post Share on other sites
YummySarah92 Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 No. I never even got an apology. All I got was some trickle truth but nothing more than that. Guess I didn't deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Have to thank you again, macbride. That felt so good! Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 No did not get an apology ... I don't ever want an apology from her.an apology means you have made a mistake an error in judgement .A situation handled badly .being with a mm is not a mistake .way past error in judgement and a million situation all handled badly . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jkidding Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om? I know some ow/om really do feel awful about the bs being hurt and want to apologize. If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry? No, I didn't get one. It would have made things even more complicated than their were already. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 I can't imagine trying to formulate an apology to the BS that wouldn't come off as incredibly catty or condescending, OR as a plea for absolution and emotional support which is not the BSes responsibility to provide. An OW does not have the right to expect the BS to tell them "it's okay, you're forgiven, you're not a bad person". The only situation I can see where an apology might make sense is if the OW had some kind of relationship with the BS in the first place, so you're begging for forgiveness to try and save that connection. Like, I guess, if the OW was your sister or something and wants to make a formal apology so that the family can still get together for holidays. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 (edited) There were too many OM's to ever hope to get an apology from any of them. I would imagine most of them didn't know she was married, except the guy she moved in with after I kicked her out. Edited October 8, 2017 by Cephalopod Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 The only situation I can see where an apology might make sense is if the OW had some kind of relationship with the BS in the first place, so you're begging for forgiveness to try and save that connection. Like, I guess, if the OW was your sister or something and wants to make a formal apology so that the family can still get together for holidays. Read a few threads about brothers, sisters and other family relationships destroyed by infidelity. Forgiveness isn't given so the family can get together for holidays. Getting together for any reason is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Originally Posted by Mr Blunt Apologies can be nice but they are temporary and need proof to be credible. I got several apologies but told her that ACTIONS FOR A LONG TIME are what will be what helps me make my decisions. Words can be cheap but actions tell the truth. "If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry?" If the apology was proven with actions then that would be an important factor in considering R. Without it R would be impossible. By GoldenR The OP was talking about from the AP, not the WS. By the OP If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om? If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry? I am a bs and understand the OP to want imput from BSs. .Am I missing something or is GoldenR's reply in error? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 8, 2017 Share Posted October 8, 2017 Some ppl are taking about apologies from their waywards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wmacbride Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 I meant from the ow/om, but I'm perfectly fine with the conversation taking on a different direction if that is what people want to talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om? If so, how do you feel about it? I got some, they were redacted, given again, redacted, and on and on ad nauseum. At first, I accepted them, but then I realized they weren't for me, they were to assuage her guilt. What was the point in accepting them? It didn't make me feel any better, just used. I know some ow/om really do feel awful about the bs being hurt and want to apologize. If you are a bs, how would you have felt if the apology was genuine and made because they really did feel sorry? I told him that some things go beyond what an apology works for and to save it. All I asked is that he answer all my questions honestly with details. I am sure he held stuff back but I got the gist for sure. I still hope he has a stroke and dies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 I told him that some things go beyond what an apology works for and to save it. All I asked is that he answer all my questions honestly with details. I am sure he held stuff back but I got the gist for sure. I still hope he has a stroke and dies. Answering questions is almost constructive. And anything is better than a forced apology. In my case, she treated the apology like a loathsome but expected act, necessary to get the forgiveness that she felt was my obligation for the sake of the family. Then, she started letting me have it, one grievance after another, slights and offenses that I'd supposedly inflicted on her and she'd nursed for years. It was a last good kick while I was down. That's "I'm sorry" from a sociopath OW. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 Yes, but too late. At first I was so shocked that all I could think of was how brave she had been. After a while I wondered why it didn't make me feel any better. After thinking about it for a while I realised that it didn't mean a thing - to approach me in the first year after dday when I was still raw, and when a little compassion and remorse might have helped, would have been brave. Now when most of the pain had at least partially healed over was simply self-serving and pointless. It probably made her feel good, she knew I wasn't the type to start a cat fight, and all it did was bring it all back to the forefront of my mind and made me chew it all over again. She has long been forgiven, at least I don't care about her anymore, the apology was unneccesary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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