DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 I have been thinking a lot about ghosting and/or fading recently..and the more I realize that it’s just a sneaky way for a guy or girl to get back with someone from the past. They didn’t end things after all and left the other party in a state of limbo. Much different from actually telling someone it’s over and closing the door shut. Ghosting or fading is a manipulative way of leaving that door half way open if and when you want to return. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 No, I don't really see it that way, but certainly there are many men/women who circle back around. Ghosting is just bypassing the whole break up shpeel. No one wants to have to break up. It sucks. The breaker is done with the relationship and doesn't want to continue. Even with a formal break up, you can get people circling back around. They miss the good parts and forget the bad parts. They give it another shot, only to remember why they broke up the first time. The breakee usually doesn't want the breakup, so they are willing to give it another go as well, whether they've been ghosted or someone formally broke up with them. I don't really see ghosting as leaving the door open "just in case," but it is cruel to leave the other person just dangling like that. You do bring up an interesting point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 I agree; for some it's just a matter of seeing what's behind door #2 while keeping the ghostee in purgatory. Lemme out!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) If you're speaking about 'ghosting' as in ceasing all contact, particularly during the initial dating stage, sometimes . Sometimes they're not very interested in the person at the time, but they're not 100% certain they'll feel that way forever. So the person will just move on for now but then pop up later when their well runs dry, week or month down the line. It'd be harder to do this if they had officially ended it. But keep in mind when someone ghosts their interest is so low that they do not care if they lose you entirely versus benching, where person keeps in sporadic contact. And you'd be surprised at how you can come back into someone's life months after disappearing and act like nothing ever happened. The person doesn't call them out on it or anything . Edited October 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 If you're speaking about 'ghosting' as in ceasing all contact, particularly during the initial dating stage, sometimes . Sometimes they're not very interested in the person at the time, but they're not 100% certain they'll feel that way forever. So the person will just move on for now but then pop up later. But keep in mind when someone ghosts their interest is so low that they do not care if they lose you entirely versus benching, where person keeps in sporadic contact. And you'd be surprised at how you can come back into someone's life months after disappearing and act like nothing ever happened. The person doesn't call them out on it or anything . Very valid points. But it could be possible that the ghoster is so narcissistic that he/she thinks the other person is so into him/her so they don’t fear losing that person because they honestly believe the person will wait or will drop anyone else upon their return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 I agree; for some it's just a matter of seeing what's behind door #2 while keeping the ghostee in purgatory. Lemme out!!! Would this not indicate that the ghoster likes the ghosted person enough to do this? Would it not just be easier to tell the person in a simple text that it isn’t working & then block them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 Very valid points. But it could be possible that the ghoster is so narcissistic that he/she thinks the other person is so into him/her so they don’t fear losing that person because they honestly believe the person will wait or will drop anyone else upon their return. When you’re benched - how often is the contact? Once a week? Once a month? Someone may think they have been ghosted completely until they get that text after a month - and like you said, it might not even be accompanied with an apology or explanation as to where that person has been. Should definitely call them out on it if and when they finally reach out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Very valid points. But it could be possible that the ghoster is so narcissistic that he/she thinks the other person is so into him/her so they don’t fear losing that person because they honestly believe the person will wait or will drop anyone else upon their return. Could be. I would advise anyone who was 'ghosted' or faded or any of that crap for any reason to slam the door on the person asked soon as it happens and never look back. May I ask whatever came of that man you were seeing? Did you guys fall out of contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) When you’re benched - how often is the contact? Once a week? Once a month? Someone may think they have been ghosted completely until they get that text after a month - and like you said, it might not even be accompanied with an apology or explanation as to where that person has been. Should definitely call them out on it if and when they finally reach out. It's my understanding when you're benched you're being contacted a lot. I'd say at least once a week but the conversations are very superficial and sometimes they don't answer for awhile, but usually not more than a few days. The thing is, they don't try to set up dates to see you or when they do it's very vague like "maybe next week" With benching you're on the backburner but they make sure you stay warm, usually by text But you're right, it's a fine line usually drawn by intent and who knows what the person is thinking Edited October 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 An article posted on my Facebook recently, a term called "submarining." I haven't heard or seen this term being used, at all (I would think I would see it here). It's when someone ghosts, and then comes back as if nothing happened. No apologies, no admission that they did anything wrong, and they expect to pick up where they left off...and if the other person is willing, that's what happens. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 Could be. I would advise anyone who was 'ghosted' or faded or any of that crap for any reason to slam the door on the person asked soon as it happens and never look back. May I ask whatever came of that man you were seeing? Did you guys fall out of contact? Yes, we did. The last time I heard from him was 2 weeks ago. I recall quite a few people gave me s**t for never initiating any contact with him the entire time we “dated” so I decided to test it out and reach out to him just once. That was a week ago and it was a very generic message - “How was your week? etc” - he never responded and I never reached out again. I usually have a gut instinct on things and I totally know he will be back in due time, but that door is shut on my end. He can play those childish games elsewhere and I am glad I saw his true colors now, rather than after having emotionally invested in him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 An article posted on my Facebook recently, a term called "submarining." I haven't heard or seen this term being used, at all (I would think I would see it here). It's when someone ghosts, and then comes back as if nothing happened. No apologies, no admission that they did anything wrong, and they expect to pick up where they left off...and if the other person is willing, that's what happens. I think people who do this are full-blown mentally unbalanced narcissists. Run! Run like the wind away from anyone who displays this kind of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Good for you! I saw so many red flags from your posts about him. (Bashing exes etc.) he seems very emotionally immature had some narcissistic qualities about him. I understand the intuitive feeling too. Gotta trust that. He may very well be back and you can shut him down. It takes some narcissistWho knows. Edited October 7, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author DivaR23 Posted October 7, 2017 Author Share Posted October 7, 2017 (edited) Good for you! I saw so many red flags from his post. (Bashing exes etc.) he seems very emotionally immature despite be able to act charming for awhile. I understand the intuitive feeling too. He may very well be back. Who knows Thank you for all your advice! You were one of the only people who allocated some of the blame to him, while others attacked me. His emotional immaturity is a huge turn-off. I am sure I pushed him away somewhat with my behavior post-sex, but a more mature man would have been able to at least communicate better with me. He is like a teenager in a mid-40 man’s body! In 6 more years he will be 50 and that is scary that he could act so childishly. I guess I dodged a bullet with him. It is due to his emotional issues and narcissism that I think he will be back..because it shows a lack of self-esteem and his ego will cause him to return when it sinks in that I have moved on & could care less about his disappearance. He will be greeted with nothing but silence on my end. What a nut job. Edited October 7, 2017 by DivaR23 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted October 7, 2017 Share Posted October 7, 2017 Would this not indicate that the ghoster likes the ghosted person enough to do this? Would it not just be easier to tell the person in a simple text that it isn’t working & then block them? No. Nothing's easier than doing nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I've had women ghost me then come back. I have no idea if their plan when ghosting was to leave the door open or not but once they ghosted I barred and spiked it shut. I've never ghosted someone in the traditional sense in that i just *poof* for no reason. But when a woman did something that was disrespectful i went NC without telling her why, but she knew why because she clearly knew what she was doing was wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts