Husband almost hit me

[Nell86]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2 and he has always been a gentle and kind person. We fight, but the “worst” thing he does is ignores me, he’s never cruel, intimidating, or controlling in any way.

 

Tonight he had some friends over and they had too much to drink - a lot too much. After his friends left we got in a fight, mostly because he was extremely drunk and I’m completely sober. I took his beer and poured it in the sink and told him he had had enough (Yes, I was being a brat).

 

He charged down the stairs at me, I backed into the corner by our fridge reflexively, and he had an absolutely crazed look in his eye. He lifted his hand like he was about to slap me or the beer I was holding (I’m honestly not sure which) and then caught himself and slammed the fridge door next to me instead.

 

A painting that was balanced on top of the fridge knocked over and crashed to the floor, taking a bunch of fridge magnets down with it. Everything fell to my feet, he took the beer from my hand, said “**** you, you’re so ****ing stupid” and stormed off while I stood frozen in the corner of the kitchen, in shock.

 

Disclaimers:

1. I’m not sure if he was actually about to slap me, or if he was just raising his hand in anger like he was going to hit the fridge door or something, and it just looked like he was aiming it at me - I was so shocked and flustered I could have misinterpreted it, so I don’t know 100% if that’s what his intention was.

 

2. The painting on top of the fridge was balanced VERY precariously, and I’m sure he didn’t intend for it to crash to the ground, nearly hitting me.

 

However... his reaction in the aftermath is almost the worst part. Rather than apologizing profusely for what I truly hope was a clumsy drunken accident, he stormed off telling ME that I’M stupid. I could tell he was shocked by the big crash, and I think it was some sort of defense mechanism to act like it was my fault, but blackout drunk or no, that is NOT the right reaction.

 

I’m mad, I’m going to be mad for a long time, and he’s going to know about it.

 

What I guess I’m looking for is a “calibration” as in... should I be thinking divorce because this is a hard line you simply don’t cross? Or should I give the guy a pass because he has NEVER exhibited this kind of behavior before and probably panicked when he realized he had almost knocked a painting onto his wife’s head?

 

I honestly don’t know if this is a “Pack your bags and leave, this is the first step towards abuse” or a “Make him sleep on the couch for a few nights and buy you flowers” kind of situation. My first reaction was that’s it, we’re done, but now that I’ve cooled off a little I wonder if I’m overreacting badly? Any advice is helpful, thank you.

[deadsoul]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2 and he has always been a gentle and kind person. We fight, but the “worst” thing he does is ignores me, he’s never cruel, intimidating, or controlling in any way.

 

Tonight he had some friends over and they had too much to drink - a lot too much. After his friends left we got in a fight, mostly because he was extremely drunk and I’m completely sober. I took his beer and poured it in the sink and told him he had had enough (Yes, I was being a brat).

 

He charged down the stairs at me, I backed into the corner by our fridge reflexively, and he had an absolutely crazed look in his eye. He lifted his hand like he was about to slap me or the beer I was holding (I’m honestly not sure which) and then caught himself and slammed the fridge door next to me instead.

 

A painting that was balanced on top of the fridge knocked over and crashed to the floor, taking a bunch of fridge magnets down with it. Everything fell to my feet, he took the beer from my hand, said “**** you, you’re so ****ing stupid” and stormed off while I stood frozen in the corner of the kitchen, in shock.

 

Has he called you names like that before? That's not okay.

Disclaimers:

1. I’m not sure if he was actually about to slap me, or if he was just raising his hand in anger like he was going to hit the fridge door or something, and it just looked like he was aiming it at me - I was so shocked and flustered I could have misinterpreted it, so I don’t know 100% if that’s what his intention was.

 

2. The painting on top of the fridge was balanced VERY precariously, and I’m sure he didn’t intend for it to crash to the ground, nearly hitting me.

 

However... his reaction in the aftermath is almost the worst part. Rather than apologizing profusely for what I truly hope was a clumsy drunken accident, he stormed off telling ME that I’M stupid. I could tell he was shocked by the big crash, and I think it was some sort of defense mechanism to act like it was my fault, but blackout drunk or no, that is NOT the right reaction

 

that's not okay either.

 

I’m mad, I’m going to be mad for a long time, and he’s going to know about it.

 

What I guess I’m looking for is a “calibration” as in... should I be thinking divorce because this is a hard line you simply don’t cross? Or should I give the guy a pass because he has NEVER exhibited this kind of behavior before and probably panicked when he realized he had almost knocked a painting onto his wife’s head?

 

I honestly don’t know if this is a “Pack your bags and leave, this is the first step towards abuse” or a “Make him sleep on the couch for a few nights and buy you flowers” kind of situation. My first reaction was that’s it, we’re done, but now that I’ve cooled off a little I wonder if I’m overreacting badly? Any advice is helpful, thank you.

 

My first thought is he has a problem with alcohol if this is how he acts when he drinks. My second thought is wondering if he's been verbally abusive before. You guys have some communication issues and it seems to me some counseling is in order. But no, his behavior is not okay and you need to see some specific actions that it will change, not just words.

[Nell86]

My first thought is he has a problem with alcohol if this is how he acts when he drinks. My second thought is wondering if he's been verbally abusive before. You guys have some communication issues and it seems to me some counseling is in order. But no, his behavior is not okay and you need to see some specific actions that it will change, not just words.

 

The alcohol is a one-off, this is definitely not typical behavior. There was some important football game on, his friends came over, and they all forgot they’re adults and not college kids for a day. I can deal with that part, but not the rest.

 

I’ve never felt verbally abused before, he’s really a very even-keel kind of person, which is why this was so beyond shocking.

[somanymistakes]

I don't think he's crossed the point of no return but you guys do need to have a talk about this and he needs to propose a plan for how he's going to ensure that this never happens again.

 

Yeah, he didn't handle the aftermath well, but he was still drunk and fired up. How he handles it once he thinks about it, that's important. Will he try to brush the whole thing off as no big deal, or blame you for provoking him? Or will he be mortified and willing to agree to limits on his drinking in the future?

[Nell86]

I don't think he's crossed the point of no return but you guys do need to have a talk about this and he needs to propose a plan for how he's going to ensure that this never happens again.

 

Yeah, he didn't handle the aftermath well, but he was still drunk and fired up. How he handles it once he thinks about it, that's important. Will he try to brush the whole thing off as no big deal, or blame you for provoking him? Or will he be mortified and willing to agree to limits on his drinking in the future?

 

I think you’re right, that I have to see how he handles it in the sober light of day...

[dichotomy]

Being very drunk its hard to apply filters to behavior. But he did not hit you, and your not sure he was planning on hitting you or the beer. This is with him very mad and very drunk - he did not go there.

 

I would keep an eye on it for now.

 

My wife has hit me twice with modest force - stomach and chest - with the back of her hand in anger during arguments.

[Nell86]

Being very drunk its hard to apply filters to behavior. But he did not hit you, and your not sure he was planning on hitting you or the beer. This is with him very mad and very drunk - he did not go there.

 

I would keep an eye on it for now.

 

My wife has hit me twice with modest force - stomach and chest - with the back of her hand in anger during arguments.

 

Thank you for the advice, I have to remind myself that at least half of my anger is about something he did not actually do (and maybe was not even considering). I’m sorry about your wife... how did you work through this?

[dichotomy]

Thank you for the advice, I have to remind myself that at least half of my anger is about something he did not actually do (and maybe was not even considering). I’m sorry about your wife... how did you work through this?

 

thanks

 

Lets be honest there is a double standard on this kind of thing with men. Also perhaps my wife thinks because I am big, strong, and also watches me practice MMA after work - she can let loose without repercussions. She hurt her own hand. I let it go - we have been together a long time and this was two times and I was not hurt in anyway.

 

 

P.S.

 

I had a Golden Retriever as a kid. It bit me twice - when sick, and once when I stepped on its leg. Not bad bites -no stitches - but scary. I still knew I had a golden retriever and not a pit bull in my home. If you know what I am getting at.

Edited October 8, 2017 by dichotomy

[Nell86]

thanks

 

Lets be honest there is a double standard on this kind of thing with men. Also perhaps my wife thinks because I am big, strong, and also watches me practice MMA after work - she can let loose without repercussions. She hurt her own hand. I let it go - we have been together a long time and this was two times and I was not hurt in anyway.

 

 

P.S.

 

I had a Golden Retriever as a kid. It bit me twice - when sick, and once when I stepped on its leg. Not bad bites -no stitches - but scary. I still knew I had a golden retriever and not a pit bull in my home. If you know what I am getting at.

 

As a dog person, that was actually a really helpful way of putting it, thank you. And I agree with you about the double standard. I guess you have to look at the whole picture and not just one incident. It’s just easy to think “this is a line I’ll never let someone cross” until it happens, and it’s not such a clear line anymore.

[CC12]

1. I’m not sure if he was actually about to slap me, or if he was just raising his hand in anger like he was going to hit the fridge door or something, and it just looked like he was aiming it at me - I was so shocked and flustered I could have misinterpreted it, so I don’t know 100% if that’s what his intention was.

 

It doesn't really matter whether he intended to hit you or something else. His anger was physically directed toward you, around you, in your direction. That's not okay.

 

The painting on top of the fridge was balanced VERY precariously, and I’m sure he didn’t intend for it to crash to the ground, nearly hitting me.

 

He probably didn't intend for the painting to fall down next to you. But it happened as a direct result of him being angry and acting violently. It could have seriously injured you. You're both lucky it didn't.

 

However... his reaction in the aftermath is almost the worst part. Rather than apologizing profusely for what I truly hope was a clumsy drunken accident, he stormed off telling ME that I’M stupid.

 

It's obviously not the right reaction, you're correct. But you can't really expect a drunk, angry person to immediately become rational, calm down and apologize. It just doesn't really work that way. If it were me, I'd still be pissed about it, but I think this specific drunken reaction is the least of your worries. You'll have to see how he reacts once he's sober, or after you describe what happened, if he doesn't remember.

 

What I guess I’m looking for is a “calibration” as in... should I be thinking divorce because this is a hard line you simply don’t cross? Or should I give the guy a pass because he has NEVER exhibited this kind of behavior before and probably panicked when he realized he had almost knocked a painting onto his wife’s head?

 

For me, personally, I would not necessarily be thinking that this is a divorce or "pack your bags" situation, depending on how he handles it once sober. Because you've been with him for 8 years and nothing like this has ever happened before, it seems like the only reason he behaved like this is because he was ****faced. So I think the only solution here is for him to never drink again. Seriously. Two-drink maximum, as a hard limit, as long as he's the type of drinker who can stop after two. If he's not, then he should never be touching alcohol.

 

That may seem harsh, but he did not have control over himself or his anger, and it was purely due to alcohol. This should be enough reason for him to say, "Okay, no more drinking." Another really good reason is that you almost got hurt. Now, I know that right now you're saying that you weren't sure if he was about to hit you, but there was probably at least a brief moment where you thought you were going to be hit. You felt unsafe. That's really important. If you tell your husband this and doesn't take it seriously, then maybe it will turn out to be a "pack your bags" situation.

 

By the way, that "crazed look in his eye" thing is something that many, many abused people describe seeing in their partners when they get violent. The first example that comes to mind is how Nicole Brown Simpson used to tell her friends and family that she saw that look in OJ's eyes when he would become angry and beat her. As you know, he eventually ended up murdering her. Allegedly. Not saying that your husband is anywhere near that level of monster, but the crazy eyes is a really scary thing to experience, and not something you ever want to see in your partner. Your husband should willingly do everything in his power to make sure you never see that again.

[GemmaUK]

thanks

I had a Golden Retriever as a kid. It bit me twice - when sick, and once when I stepped on its leg. Not bad bites -no stitches - but scary. I still knew I had a golden retriever and not a pit bull in my home. If you know what I am getting at.

 

This is a very good analogy.

 

One incident does not an abuser make.

Plus, it was one incident which - he - even very drunk - a thought process kicked in and he swiped the fridge door shut and did not hit you.

 

Also, when drinking blood sugar levels can become low.

 

I would see how he behaves around you, don't forget this incident, talk about it but don't focus on it being 'your relationship' as from what you have posted I would say it's an incident, not a trend.

[newmoon]

might not be the popular reply on here but i'm a he** no to that type of behavior. i'd have my bags packed up and be out the door asap. there is no way someone who is supposed to love me gets aggressive towards me. i draw a hard line at that b/c while it didn't happen it's there and that's scary enough (for me). the alcohol is an excuse for it, but don't they always say that alcohol brings out the stuff we don't/won't do sober? there is lots of honesty in alcohol. a lot of people give it a pass, but i wouldn't be one. might be extreme, but i wouldn't wait around to see if he might hit me the next time, i'd just assume he will and be gone.

 

when i was about 8, my dad raised a hand to my mom in the car like he was about to hit her, and she immediately told him if he f*ing touched her she'd kill him. she got me and my brother out of the car, we took a cab to a hotel and we stayed in a hotel 2 weeks. she made it clear to my dad (they'd been married 10 years at that point) that he was never to touch her or us, ever. we came back 2 weeks later and that was that. they were married 25 years more and never an incident again. it was a fleeting moment of anger that he had, she made her expectations crystal clear, and she taught me NEVER to accept any form of abuse. tell your husband in no uncertain terms how you feel and what you'll never accept.

Edited October 8, 2017 by newmoon

[Els]

Based on everything you mentioned (he didn't actually hit you, he was drunk, it was the only time in 8 years), it really depends on how he handles this once he is sober IMO. If he is extremely sorry and immediately offers of his own accord to limit his alcohol (or to get professional help if he has trouble limiting it) in the future, it's possible that it could be worth staying.

 

Anything less than that I'd bail, though. I disagree with those who are saying that what he did is not a big deal. It's a REALLY BIG DEAL in my opinion. But whether or not it is divorce-worthy remains to be seen.

[coolheadal]

That rage in the eyes not a good sign even drunk shouldn't be rage there. Something else is going on beside the football game. Don't make up excuses for his behavioral rage at you. He know's who you are being drunk is not excuse either. Psychical abuse along with verbal abuse isn't to be tread likely.. You sit him down and find out what's his problem and throw out the beer for goodness sake have that in the house so he could loose and do worst to you. I can admit I've been in worst with my ex-wife she's very abusive both across the board. I try not to remember those years. I would allow no beer in the house if there was any it would have been tossed out in the trash is where it belongs. They can watch that game without guzzling down beer. Increase heart rate, increase violence and worst drunk driving.. I am not saying anymore on the subject.

[hammyy2k]

if you are really thinking of divorce after this stand alone incident than pal marriage is not for you.

 

you need to start evaluating why you got married in the first place.

 

marriage is not like a boy/girl friend relationship so its not like, he tried to hit me, i want to break off.

[elaine567]

I think you need to start looking seriously at your relationship.

You are in a "long courtship and short marriage" type of a relationship.

It seems to me that many such relationship tend to hit a barrier at this point.

 

I think some men start feeling "trapped" at 7+ years.. and despite the new marriage it is often prime time for cheating too.

For the woman she is so very happy, she just got married and kids are on the horizon.

BUT long courtships are often due to the man not being ready for commitment and when it comes down to the wire, he feels somewhat bulldozed into a wedding.

It is make or break time, he is torn, he doesn't want to give up the relationship BUT he is often not really as keen as he once was, and he doesn't really want to get married either. He does usually however end up going with the flow.

 

I guess here this guy with a bit of drink in, let down his guard and all that carefully hidden anger and resentment came out.

Not only was he not free to really whoop it up with the boys, he has a wife determined to spoil his "fun". He lashed out...

 

I do not think it is the OPs fault, who wants to be around a drunk guy anyway? She was right to stop the boozing.

BUT this flash of temper and violence showed all is not right with her marriage and she needs to take note.

 

Whether this is a one off or whether this is just the start of a catalogue of abuse, who can say?

It could be either.

 

If this is completely out of character for him, ie he is not usually an aggressive drunk or he is usually a over friendly drunk, then "the why" needs investigated.

If there is no obvious cause, like depression, stress at work, family troubles, money worries etc. then I am afraid it may indeed be another woman.

Men who are cheating can turn into ogres at home.

[TunaCat]

People are going to have different opinions on this. For me, this is a hard line that you (speaking generally here) don't cross. I don't care that he didn't actually hit you. The intent was there, the rage was there. That would be enough for me to pack my bags and get the hell out of there.

 

I don't tolerate abuse or aggressiveness. I just don't. Even if it's just once. I wouldn't take a chance of it happening again.