End of Friendship After Emotional Affair

[Eyebrows]

Hi everybody,

 

A few months ago I'd posted about an emotional affair with a woman I work with that turned briefly physical when we kissed each other on a drunken night out. I ended the friendship at the time, but sat next to her at work, so we ended up getting close again.

 

She was crying in the kitchen at work one day as she was upset about her job and said she didn't have strength anymore. The following week it got emotionally intimate again, when she was bringing in photos from when she was young in to show me.

 

The friendship is over now, I've left work. I brought up again how I felt about her and she swore there was never any attraction or any feelings at all from her end.

 

Yet I'm still dealing with these feelings that I just wasn't good enough for her, and that I can't even take away any confidence that she was at least attracted to me or had some kind of feelings.

 

There was a week after we kissed when I broached us being together and that week she was telling me she loved my eyes, loved my voice, could listen to me talk all day. She put herself around me a lot that week, told me she had enjoyed the kiss. She agreed when I said it felt we were in the middle of a friendship and a relationship. And when she said she didn't know why I was interested in her, due to an age gap, I'd written a list of all the things I liked about her. She loved it, and text me 4 times that night to tell me. I didn't get the messages and her last was "OK, you are not replying to my messages, see you tomorrow."

 

Following night, she was upset from work and she text to tell me that "Someone has to cheer me up."

 

Surely someone who says those type of things must have some level of attraction to the other person? Even before we kissed, she was saying I was special and different as she is normally giving and never receiving. That she's always happy in my company. Coupled with the negative talk about her marriage/husband, I just thought there was something there.

 

Before I left work I got her a few little things to put in a shoebox for her as a present, little inside jokes. She loved it...and the next day she comes in and tells me "My husband saw it, and said to me 'How old are you?', and I just didn't respond to that." I realised then I was having a difficult time being friends and struggling with where my friendship ended and my feelings began. I felt there was no need to tell me that. And when she'd draw on my arm at work, she grabs my hand to keep it steady. Again, I feel it crosses a boundary that I tried to set up after the kiss. That if we're just friends, the touchiness and the other things has to stop. And still, she will say I'm the one who understands her like no other. Not to forget her because "I am you, the other half of your split personality".

 

Do you think there was any level of attraction or interest from her that week? She told me that she "did think what could be if briefly". Then she went and said there was never any romantic feelings, never any interest, she wasn't attracted to me as a man. And I can't get past that, if that's true, then that week was really unfair to me.

 

Anyone got anything I can take away from this that can give me some closure? As I just feel that I've not been good enough for her. She's staying with her husband, and she ran 600km away from home when they first got married and it doesn't seem to have improved much. I can accept that. But after everything she's said to me, I'm struggling with the idea that there was zero interest. My confidence is shattered as I always end up in emotional affairs and getting in too deep before I realise that the line is being crossed.

[somanymistakes]

I'd say she was attracted to you, but doesn't want to cheat on her husband.

 

It's not because you're not good enough, it's just because she's married. She was tempted, but she doesn't want to stray. Anything she says is mostly to convince herself, and you, that there's no chance. Because she doesn't want to go there.

 

If you have trouble maintaining boundaries and keep falling into emotional affairs, you may need to set strict rules for yourself to stay away from married women.

[ayoung73]

It may not be obvious to you, but yes, she cared for you and definitely felt something…and maybe you can’t see this now, but it sounds like the events with you stirred up feelings for her husband and the commitment she made to him. Think of it this way, you helped her to reunite with her husband and you’ve help to strengthen someone else’s relationship! It’s hard, I know, I was the other man in a relationship, she eventually went back to her husband and they’ve been married for over two decades now. At one point she thanked me and I never heard from her again and only learned about her through mutual friends.

 

You’ll find love, someone who is willing to give you their all, not just a part of them, but all of them! You deserve it, she deserves her marriage, leave her alone, and do whatever you can to move on and box these experiences up as a nice memory…a love story never fully realized! She has to let go of all those feelings or she’ll keep falling backwards and won’t be able to completely commit to her husband. You know what to look for, learn from your mistakes, and avoid involving yourself in similar circumstances. If it truly an issue, seek out the advice of a professional, don’t feel bad we all need a helping hand now and then. What do you think?

[Eyebrows]

I see a professional about once a month just to deal with...other stuff. Well, I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship prior to this lady so I had some hang-ups over that, which I'm sure shape how I feel now that this lady is gone.

 

She is a Jehovah's Witness. I don't know if that's a big part of it, and why she has stayed. I was worried once because she came in with bruises and said she fell over in the kitchen, but it only happened once and in the end I think she really did fall and there wasn't anything else going on.

[kittencupcake]

But..this relationship is extremely emotionally manipulative too..affairs always are. This woman was taking advantage of your chivalry. Who cries in the kitchen at work? That is not normal behavior. She could just as easily have gone to the ladies room and been consoled by a woman..she was looking for male companionship.

 

She played you like a fiddle and you fell for every, single move she made.

 

Are you speaking to your counselor about trying to figure out why you are so susceptible to manipulation?

[somanymistakes]

But..this relationship is extremely emotionally manipulative too..affairs always are. This woman was taking advantage of your chivalry. Who cries in the kitchen at work? That is not normal behavior. She could just as easily have gone to the ladies room and been consoled by a woman..she was looking for male companionship.

 

I think that's a little bit overly paranoid there.

 

I certainly have never in my life gone to cry in a ladies room out of a vague hope that a compassionate woman would wander in and console me.

[kittencupcake]

I think that's a little bit overly paranoid there.

 

I certainly have never in my life gone to cry in a ladies room out of a vague hope that a compassionate woman would wander in and console me.

 

What does paranoia have to do with it?

 

I have never in my life stood in a kitchen in the middle of an office crying..to me, that's much weirder than going to cry in private in the ladies room. That is seriously unprofessional and attention seeking behavior, and is very, very manipulative.

[Eyebrows]

We work evening shift, and there're only three teams on our floor. The kitchen is pretty empty. She was visibly upset at her desk (due to things in her other job) and went to the kitchen with her cup as an excuse to get away from people and compose herself.

 

Toilet would have worked just as well, I guess. But the kitchen on that floor is always empty.

[kittencupcake]

We work evening shift, and there're only three teams on our floor. The kitchen is pretty empty. She was visibly upset at her desk (due to things in her other job) and went to the kitchen with her cup as an excuse to get away from people and compose herself.

 

Toilet would have worked just as well, I guess. But the kitchen on that floor is always empty.

 

Sorry, but this is entirely beside the point..she manipulated you and you fell for it. What are you doing to try to figure out why?

[somanymistakes]

What does paranoia have to do with it?

 

I have never in my life stood in a kitchen in the middle of an office crying..to me, that's much weirder than going to cry in private in the ladies room. That is seriously unprofessional and attention seeking behavior, and is very, very manipulative.

 

It's paranoid because you're assuming a whole lot from very, very little information. You're leaping straight from "I think it's more natural to cry in place A rather than place B" to "Therefore it was DEFINITELY an attempt to capture a man" to "Therefore he is DEFINITELY a weak man who was lured in by an obvious liar" to "Therefore he DEFINITELY needs to work on himself and understand how he was taken in by this wicked, scheming black widow"

 

Maybe I'm overly empathising here because I am a person who cries easily, and I hate being accused of being some sort of manipulative schemer because of it. I cry easily when I'm completely alone and there's no one to see, as well. I can absolutely see getting upset at my desk and retreating to the kitchen to get a drink of water or something.

[kittencupcake]

It's paranoid because you're assuming a whole lot from very, very little information. You're leaping straight from "I think it's more natural to cry in place A rather than place B" to "Therefore it was DEFINITELY an attempt to capture a man" to "Therefore he is DEFINITELY a weak man who was lured in by an obvious liar" to "Therefore he DEFINITELY needs to work on himself and understand how he was taken in by this wicked, scheming black widow"

 

Maybe I'm overly empathising here because I am a person who cries easily, and I hate being accused of being some sort of manipulative schemer because of it. I cry easily when I'm completely alone and there's no one to see, as well. I can absolutely see getting upset at my desk and retreating to the kitchen to get a drink of water or something.

 

I apologize if I offended you but I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I find it very unprofessional to cry in a public area at work where anyone could find me..and to me it seems like inappropriate, unprofessional, and attention seeking behavior. I have cried at work but only in the privacy of a bathroom stall, not in an open area where the head of the company could walk in on me at any time.

 

There is no place for the word definitely on a message board. We don't know the OP, we don't know the married woman..all we know is what he's told us about himself and about her. He has admitted to being easily manipulated before, and from the way he describes the married woman, she sounds excessively manipulative too (not just the crying thing, that was one example..but her whole demeanor..texting a man that she's been openly flirting with 'I need someone to cheer me up' is also manipulative).

 

So again, apologies for offending you, but I do think this married woman has exhibited manipulative tendencies, and I do think she's putting one over on the OP.

[Eyebrows]

I'm going to be as objective as I can here, but to answer your question, yes, I talk to my therapist about the type of relationship/friendship dynamics I end up in and about not being taken advantage of. It's one of the main things we discuss.

 

She is emotional at the best of times. She has struggled with them for years. Prior to her crying in the kitchen she'd been down for a good 2 weeks and not said anything. However, since she's looking to me to get what isn't there at home (in her words, she said she is missing the connection, can't laugh with him like she does with me, and way back in Feb she said "I know how you feel, because I am always giving and never receiving, only you were different. See, you are special", it feels sometimes like being used for certain things.

 

I don't think it's deliberate. It's just that our entire friendship exists because it's filling in what she doesn't get at home. It fills a need for me too, but...and I said this to her after the kiss before she did an about turn and said there was never any interest in me...I can't be a replacement husband for her. She did say she thought "what could be if' briefly, in terms of being with me, which is why I thought there must have been something there.

 

My ex was manipulative. Dated 4 people from work within 2 year, telling them she wants to marry them, ditching them soon after, moving on and emotionally manipulative within the relationship. Like, it seemed calculated and planned when you look back and it's clear from other things now that she's a very fake person, like kissing up to people she slagged off when I was with her.

 

This lady I just think is needy, doesn't have many friends (immigrant, didn't speak great English for a long time, then worked a job where she was taken advantage of and forced to work from home constantly in addition to long shifts to the point she had no social life). I think she's been starved for a lot of things and that neediness translates itself into behaviour that isn't manipulative by design but isn't great for me.

 

So when she's telling me all these things it creates an environment where I feel I have to be there for her...because I "understand her like no other" and "you're the only person in the world who can cheer me up instantly" and other such things, which I believe are true, but which keep the circle going and make me think, well why not choose to be with me?

 

And I guess she doesn't have the feelings I do. In which case, I think, don't treat me like a partner and respect the boundaries I've tried to set (no touching, no negative husband talk, no saying things that border on the things lovers say). It has to be a friendship or a relationship. So the reason I found it hard is because it was somewhere in the middle. Which she also agreed with before she changed her mind.

 

I'll mention as well, I was a wreck at work after I broke up with my girlfriend, like at my desk in tears at times. Had health stuff going on at the time, just been diagnosed with an AVM so there was that too, but I wasn't attention-seeking, I just wasn't coping.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Eyebrows

[kittencupcake]

Ever heard the phrase 'emotional tampon'? Check it out..that is you.

 

Everything she's saying is generic cheater-speak and you are lapping it up because you like the idea of 'rescuing' her from her allegedly unhappy home life. She is grooming you to be her emotional tampon..and I bet you anything it gets physical within a year if you allow it to continue.

 

She says she's not interested and yet, she allowed the kiss to happen, she mentioned 'what if' to you knowing that you would fantasize about it..how do you not see how manipulative that is? This woman knows exactly what she's doing..her actions are sneakily predatory and you are making for easy prey.

 

This woman's actions may not be as overt as your exes, but she is just as calculating..she's just more subtle about it.

[Eyebrows]

She is ignoring me completely now, so doubt it’s going anywhere. I have felt taken for granted a few times. She’s angry at me because I mentioned to someone else I had feelings for her and says if I feel the need to talk about us with anyone then that is it.

 

I get why she’s angry but not a month before she got me a leaving card to say I understood her like no other. I didn’t feel like it was bad enough to end an entire friendship over.

[Birdies]

She is ignoring me completely now, so doubt it’s going anywhere. I have felt taken for granted a few times. She’s angry at me because I mentioned to someone else I had feelings for her and says if I feel the need to talk about us with anyone then that is it.

 

I get why she’s angry but not a month before she got me a leaving card to say I understood her like no other. I didn’t feel like it was bad enough to end an entire friendship over.

 

She's trying to protect herself and her marriage. You kissed her, you obviously have feelings for her, you are telling other people you have feelings for her. Cutting off this "friendship" is 100% the right move. When you have an affair with a married woman and she comes to her senses, you don't get to be friends with her anymore.

[Vivir]

She’s angry at me because I mentioned to someone else I had feelings for her and says if I feel the need to talk about us with anyone then that is it.

 

Eyebrows, I think it is important that you consider looking at what has happened with this married woman in the most negative context that you can. Having been involved in a full fledged affair, having had weak boundaries most of my life, having been notorious for seeing the best in people to my own detriment, and feeling as if I am often easily manipulated, my bull**** and cheater-speak radar is more precise these days...

 

With that said, in regards to this MW's behavior where you are concerned, I fully and wholeheartedly agree with kittencupcake. Read the words this poster wrote again, please.

 

What I quoted from your most recent post is a RED FLAG. If you can justify everything else she has done (which you shouldn't), this particular thing above that you have written cannot be justified as anything other than her attempting to have an inappropriate "relationship" or "friendship" with you that has all of the hallmarks of an affair. Affairs generally must be hidden. Why? Affairs must be hidden so the people involved do not lose their social standing and so that betrayed spouses don't find out... If you talk about your feelings about her with someone else - and especially if that makes her *angry*, and she wants to end your inappropriate whatever-this-is as a response... that is a surefire sign that her intentions are less than honorable.

 

You need to put yourself in protection mode and act as a guardian to yourself.

 

 

Time to flush her out of your life immediately.

[Eyebrows]

I did think she got scared of her husband finding out somehow and decided it was inappropriate. I’d given her a ring and she’d just said she couldn’t talk right now. So, perhaps he got suspicious after seeing the box of presents, then found something else...she used to keep the post-it notes and a couple of letters I’d written.

 

I don’t know. Either way, I just hate losing people and wished we could have said goodbye over a coffee instead of feeling so...discarded.

 

The fault is on me, too. I felt like I gave so much if myself and was told all this wonderful stuff about myself that turned out wasn’t really true and it’s not the first time, as I mentioned, that it’s happened to me.

[jenkins95]

She's trying to protect herself and her marriage. You kissed her, you obviously have feelings for her, you are telling other people you have feelings for her. Cutting off this "friendship" is 100% the right move. When you have an affair with a married woman and she comes to her senses, you don't get to be friends with her anymore.

 

As much as it may hurt, Birdies is 100% right here.

 

Until you actually go through it, you can't possibly comprehend the world of hurt that is generally unleashed when these things are allowed to progress further. Don't risk going within 100 miles of that.

 

Believe me, it is good for you, for her and for her H that it ends right now. You can still think of her in affectionate terms and remember the nice times that you shared, and she will probably do likewise for you, but no more friends...it's just too dangerous.

 

I also agree that you have been used by her...quite possibly not intentionally, but you were there during a very mixed up and confusing time for her and have acted as an emotional crutch for her. Sadly, this has hurt you - but you'll be OK

 

Wishing you all the very best.

[Eyebrows]

As much as it may hurt, Birdies is 100% right here.

 

Until you actually go through it, you can't possibly comprehend the world of hurt that is generally unleashed when these things are allowed to progress further. Don't risk going within 100 miles of that.

 

Believe me, it is good for you, for her and for her H that it ends right now. You can still think of her in affectionate terms and remember the nice times that you shared, and she will probably do likewise for you, but no more friends...it's just too dangerous.

 

I also agree that you have been used by her...quite possibly not intentionally, but you were there during a very mixed up and confusing time for her and have acted as an emotional crutch for her. Sadly, this has hurt you - but you'll be OK

 

Wishing you all the very best.

 

Thanks for this. We were two people who I think needed someone at that time in their life. I like that much more than thinking anyone was deliberately used, as I really don't think it was the case that it was a conscious thing. She also gave me a lot at times.

 

I just left a quick text saying goodbye, that I'd remove her number from my phone so I wasn't tempted to text her, saying sorry and thanking her for everything...I recently got a new job (start in January, as a probation service officer) which is the first time I've had permanent, full-time work in 3 years. I studied criminology. She had sent me the job advert and given me the confidence to go for it. So, I had to at least say a thank you to her for that and then from my end at least I get some closure in knowing I left it on a positive note.

[Vivir]

Congratulations on your job offer, Eyebrows! It is always nice to have something to look forward to, especially when something that gave us some comfort is coming to an end.

 

I really feel for you, as you seem like someone wearing your heart on your sleeve. I don't mean this as a jab, because I feel that I wear mine on my sleeve, too... I actively have to try to cover it up, though, like with my coat in winter

 

I just hate losing people and wished we could have said goodbye over a coffee instead of feeling so...discarded.

 

The fault is on me, too. I felt like I gave so much if myself and was told all this wonderful stuff about myself that turned out wasn’t really true and it’s not the first time, as I mentioned, that it’s happened to me.

 

I hate losing people, too, and it is hard to do when we have feelings for them. But sometimes that is what is best, for everyone involved, given the circumstances, as jenkins95 stated above.

 

You, like me, have to rein in your own personal boundaries to avoid situations like this in the present and future. Not doing so is not good for you, as your most recent experience has shown you. You could've saved yourself a lot of grief by keeping this MW at a significant distance. She has a husband, after all, who signed up to care for her wants and needs.

 

We were two people who I think needed someone at that time in their life. I like that much more than thinking anyone was deliberately used, as I really don't think it was the case that it was a conscious thing. She also gave me a lot at times.

 

I just left a quick text saying goodbye, that I'd remove her number from my phone so I wasn't tempted to text her, saying sorry and thanking her for everything...I recently got a new job (start in January, as a probation service officer) which is the first time I've had permanent, full-time work in 3 years. I studied criminology. She had sent me the job advert and given me the confidence to go for it. So, I had to at least say a thank you to her for that and then from my end at least I get some closure in knowing I left it on a positive note.

 

It is going to sound cliche, unfortunately, but you - like many of us, are learning the hard way that married and other attached people cannot be the person for us when we "need" someone.

 

You're right, it does suck to think others can deliberately use people, but these people DO exist! Having your boundaries in place will help to protect you from such emotional predators... And even if she used you without giving it conscious thought, the fact remains, that she did use you. And you used her.

 

I think that your ending it in this manner was fair to yourself.

Do not reopen this door.

Edited October 29, 2017 by Vivir