My b/f's female best friend hates me, and he won't do anything about it!

[Tiggerlove]

I've been having problems for 4 years with my boyfriend and his female best friend. They've been friends for 12 years..and dated for a brief time 12 years ago. He says there is no attraction to eachother, that they are more like cousins or siblings than anything else. Well, as soon as I came into the picture, she's hated me. She'd call MY apartment, looking for my boyfriend, and hang up if I answered. She's nuts!

A year into our relationship, she got pregnant by an illegal mexican, then kicked him to the curb, and wanted my boyfriend to be there with her for all her dr. appts and delivery. I opposed it, and she has said since that I made her pregnancy miserable because I fought him about doing those things with her. He told me she was his friend, and that she only had her mother.. no one else to help her with this. That was bull..her mother coulda done that stuff with her.

Anyway, he ended up only going to one dr. appt with her,..and not the delivery room either. Made me happy. Well, since then, the kid is 3 now, and my boyfriend feels obligated to be with that kid since he's the only male rolemodel around her.

Once, she called his cell phone while we were spending some "private time" together, and said she was taking her daughter to the ER and wanted him there. He said he had company, and as soon as he said my name, she hung up on him. He actually had the nerve to ask me to leave so he could go to the hospital. The kid ended up just having the stomach flu..and was just fine. its not like it was a life and death situation. I ended up getting upset, and telling him he needs to get his priorities straight. Apparently she didn't need him that badly. I think he shoulda just said "I'll be right there" and we both go. Too bad if she's upset. She has a sick child to worry about...shouldn't be thinking about hating me so much.

I've seen the kid two times. She won't bring her daughter around me...says that if she see's me, that she'll want to kick my a** and that she doesn't want her daugher to see that kind of hostility from her.

She needs to grow up and be an adult, and realize her friend has a life other than them.

 

Anyway...he says if that child wasn't around, he'd be through with her. But now...even though its not his child (I have an email stating from her that he's not the baby's father) he feels he has to help this evil person out.

Thanks

[lindya]

I think you need to stop getting angry and start getting decisive. No amount of arguing between you and your boyfriend is going to alter this situation. The two of you need to sit down and have a very serious chat about what happens next. Can the relationship between you function properly with this woman constantly on the scene? If he says - yes it can, then he needs to outline how...bearing in mind that she thinks nothing of interrupting his private time with you and throwing a strop if he doesn't place her needs first.

 

Those sort of childish demands and strops are bound to spoil his and your private moments...and place a strain on your relationship. How is he going to deal with that? She's his friend, so her unacceptable demands and behaviour are his problem to deal with - not yours. Be clear about this, and don't fall into the trap of portraying this female as being YOUR problem. She's only your problem insofar as her inappropriate level of dependence on your boyfriend is causing problems in his relationship with you.

 

If he believes that your relationship can function whilst he continues this friendship, the onus is really on him to somehow juggle all the different commitments without leaving you at the bottom of the pile. Can he do that? Or will something give if he tries? If so, it might be worth finding out at this stage what that something would be. You or her?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like she is used to being the #1 female in his life, and he is used to putting her first in his life. After this long, and involvement with her children I see no evidence that he is going to change this. You can talk to him about it, but I don't think you'll be left with much choice besides adapt to it, or leave the relationship.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

I smell jealousy. Like LB said, She's used to being #1 woman in his life. Same thing is going on with me. My BF is BEST FRIEND's with his ex. They do everything together. And now I come into the picture, and she takes a back seat. She can't stand it but my BF never puts her first. And your BF shouldn't put her first either. I understand they have been friends for a long time but you and him have been together for 4 years. That's not a fly-by-night relationship. You should come first and his friend is just going to have to deal with the fact that your his favorite. Also, your BF should realize that this bothers you and back off his friend. Don't cut her out, just make you happy by not making it seem like she's more important.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I liked Lindya's objective response. Particularly the part about "getting decisive."

 

The only area where I differ slightly in my personal approach to this kind of situation is when it comes to idea of strong-arming someone into making compromises that ought to come genuinely from their own heart and good conscience. Even if out of simple respect and/or concern for that primary relationship and their partner's feelings.

 

After four years of justifiably expressing your discomfort with this woman's constant interference, your boyfriend still has only taken minor steps to resolve the situation. At this point - it is no longer the fault of his needy friend, but rather his own fault for not making 'you' reason enough to take the appropriate action. This girl wouldn't still be around if he'd simply care about you enough to tell her "no."

 

At this point, I would be reevaluating my ability to function in a relationship where my partner felt compelled to constantly play surrogate husband and father to a second woman he was not legally obligated to. It wouldn't matter the slightest whether he believed this twisted triangle could work out or not…because obviously while having two women may suit him just fine…it's clearly not working out for you.

[lindya]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

At this point, I would be reevaluating my ability to function in a relationship where my partner felt compelled to constantly play surrogate husband and father to a second woman he was not legally obligated to. It wouldn't matter the slightest whether he believed this twisted triangle could work out or not…because obviously while having two women may suit him just fine…it's clearly not working out for you.

 

Very true. Any discussion about whether the relationship is workable within its current framework (of which this woman forms a part) needs to take proper account of both parties' needs and wishes. I've been in a similar situation, and the problem there was that the guy simply refused to compromise in any shape or form. His way or the highway, as they say.

 

In a situation like that, unless you're prepared to sacrifice all your needs and values for the other person then it's pretty impossible to avoid the eventuality of issuing ultimatums. That, or be an uncomplaining but very unhappy doormat. Eventually you get to the stage where you say something like "Ok...I happily accept A, would reluctantly accept B for the sake of our relationship... but I cannot accept C in its present form, and if you're not prepared to compromise on that then the I don't really see how the relationship can continue."

 

Ultimatums do, of course, have a habit of ending relationships. Then again, if you're together with someone who knows something makes you unhappy but is unwilling to negotiate and work with you to improve the situation, then it surely is time to consider the true value of that relationship.

[Tiggerlove]

Thanks for all of your responses..it helped me realize I'm not the crazy one here. Its hard for me not to get all emotional when we talk about her and his friendship. I always end up getting all worked up, and start crying and start calling her names. Its awful, because I know that is what pushes him away from me and protect her. I get so jealous of everything they do together, because I can't ever be involved. I've told him its as if he has 2 relationships going on and he just says I'm silly to think that way. Well, I don't think I"m silly when they are going to dinner and movies together. They do that a lot less now since she has a child, but even still..I've asked him not to do anything like that ever again with her. I'm his woman, not her..I'm the one who goes to the movies with him, not her. He finally says okay, after hours of my bickering...and then I"m always paranoid that he's lying to me about what they do just so I don't blow up again.

 

Maybe we should just end it. I think in 4 years, he's made it clear that he isn't ever going to stop seeing them.

 

Thanks for your help everyone!

M-