Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief

[grass-hopper]

At some point, I began remembering small things exMM had said casually. I began to put it all together. He had totally hooked me into believing he had feelings for me. THAT WAS THE KEY ! He

 

Of course he didn't have feelings. I was just the supply of his fantasy, recreation... call it what you will. Mind you, he went to great lengths to ensure he kept his supply going. He was a master puppeteer. He manipulated me and his wife in exactly the same way.

 

NC and the realisation that it was only an affair are the best ways to move forward. You WILL get over it but only if you stop thinking he loved you.

 

Poppy.

 

I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking “my story is different, he cares for me”. But he doesn’t, does he?

And I think if he didn’t feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why can’t he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?

But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. He’s manipulative. He’s got me convinced he and I are different. He’s hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)

[ladydesigner]

I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking “my story is different, he cares for me”. But he doesn’t, does he?

And I think if he didn’t feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why can’t he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?

But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. He’s manipulative. He’s got me convinced he and I are different. He’s hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)

 

I am both an xMOW and a BS many times over and what you just described is my WH.

 

why is he constantly telling me? Because he can

What can he possibly get out of this? What you are giving him

Why can’t he just move on to the next one? They do when their supply runs out or they get bored

Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? Because it's working

When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Yes they can

[Poppy47]

I needed this today. I keep reading through LS and thinking “my story is different, he cares for me”. But he doesn’t, does he?

And I think if he didn’t feel the way he feels then why is he constantly telling me? What can he possibly get out of this? Why can’t he just move on to the next one? Why would he work so hard to keep me close and keep me thinking he cares for me? When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Have I just built him up to be this great guy?

But after reading your post. My story is no different than anyone else here. He’s manipulative. He’s got me convinced he and I are different. He’s hooked me. And I bite that bait ever so eagerly in hopes of ??? (Honestly I have no idea. I have no hopes of anything from him, except disappointment and heartache)

 

My ex AP was constantly loving and thoughtful. He would text every morning

and evening and phone at the same time each afternoon. He looked after me once when I had surgery and brought flowers every time he came to my place. He was always looking for opportunities to go out to different nice places with me. I couldn't fault his behaviour towards me in punctuality and kindness.

 

I was definitely built into his daily timetable. I honestly thought he cared deeply for me and I have many love letters saying so.

 

NOt long before I dumped him, he slipped up and said I was his"outlet". I was shocked and of course he smoothed it over. A bit later, he admitted that he had been posting private photos on social media. He refused to show me and said they were personal and private.

 

He began to boast about how he could get away on an overseas trip with me by manipulating his wife. I was stunned again.

 

WHERE HAD MY MIND BEEN FOR 9 YEARS???? It all unravelled very quickly after those events. He was manipulating me same as his wife. It was an epiphany for me.

 

He went to great lengths to maintain his "outlet" and he did it because I allowed it. He knew how alone and lost I was after my husband's death and kept me that way.

 

I have never looked back and neither will you with the right mind set.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Poppy47
Need to add more

[jah526]

When I know he can move on to someone else in an instant. Or can he? Yes they can

 

Hm, not sure about this. I don't know how easy it would be. I doubt the majority of women would be interested.

[CindyC86]

Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

 

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

 

Turmoil.

[whichwayisup]

I ended my two month affair with a MM twice my age yesterday. We had a one month summer fling, then parted ways, but emailed every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I ended things because I knew we had no future, and because he only loved me as a much older man could: a prize, a foil who made him feel young and alive. I was a young fool and fell deeply in love. Though I instigated the breakup, I can't stop thinking about him. Even though I know we had little in common, and he treated me with the least amount of care possible. I know I made the right decision, but am just suffering at the moment. I am addicted to his messages, his affection, his memory. When does this pain end? How long do I need to keep up NC for until I can move on? Can we ever be friends?

 

So what has changed? Reading your latest update, you have boundaries in place...What boundaries?

 

The outcome will still be the same. He isn't leaving his wife for you, he'll treat you the same way as before, you won't have more in common. All that will happen is you'll get more attached than you already are and feel more pain and heartache.

 

What is it that you hoping for from this affair? It doesn't seem like love, it's more like addiction and habit and this isn't healthy for you. You're addicted to how he makes you feel.

 

You're wasting your precious love and energy on someone who isn't worth it. And you're the one getting hurt in the process, not him. He has a full life with someone else and you're fulfilling some needs he doesn't get at home.

 

Think long term, how long do you intend on staying in the affair with him? Do you want marriage and children of your own one day? If so, being with him isn't going to get you a future that you want. Let alone be with someone you can spend time with openly, bring home to your parents and friends, celebrate birthdays and holidays etc..

 

I hope you get strong enough to end it once and for all. But sadly I think you need to go through more pain and get to the point when you've had enough to end it and walk away.

[CindyC86]

whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...

[Poppy47]

Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

 

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

 

Turmoil.

 

You are dancing with each other.... been there many times. It always ends the same way.

 

Poppy.

[grass-hopper]

CindyC

I have nothing negative to say to you, only that I understand your decision to be where you are. The addiction feels unbearable. The elation and satisfaction from him feels like it’s worth it all. At least from my perspective. I don’t blame you for how you feel because when I read your post, I feel at least I’m not alone in how I feel with my AP.

I read so many others’ very insightful and supportive posts. Strangers that are genuinely concerned about the path we’re on because they’ve been in our shoes and know what lies ahead. I wish I could delete the app he and I contact one another on. I wish I could delete his number from my phone. I wish I could leave my job. But I’m afraid of feeling empty without him. And I think, how can someone have such an effect on me. Someone who will never give me a fraction of what I need. Someone who will never feel how I feel about him. It can’t be love but it’s intense). I wish I could be as strong enough emotionally to end the A.

Like you I don’t want to end my M (rather I’m scared to end my M). Like you i don’t want him to end his. I just want to feel what I’m feeling now. But I have to find a way to feel happy on my own. Without him. I’ve taken steps to start IC to sort my own issues out.

Thank you for keeping us updated and being honest. And keep coming back no matter where you are in your journey. Even though sometimes what the LS readers are saying seems harsh. It all really is for our benefit and to help open our blind eyes.

[S2B]

Ahhhh I screwed up NC. MM and I are back in contact, basically back together, although this time with some boundaries set in place. We've agreed to taking breaks, so are trying NC for the next 10 days to see if the space allows us to grow apart a little. The really devastating thing is that I think we care deeply for each other, but we simply cannot be. It's so unrealistic in many ways --- but that seems to be part of its great allure and draw. Undeniably, I am happier in contact with him, than out of contact with him. A lot of my attempts to form a narrative to break up with him failed, and actually miserably backfired. I was so depressed and craven in the two weeks I tried to rid myself of him.

 

Part of me wonders if this was a huge mistake and if I should just delete my email account over the next ten days and be rid of it all. The other half of me is wondering what results this new approach will bring... at least I'm no longer denying my love for him, which made me clutch onto the relationship and our memories even more. Perhaps there's a chance that by acknowledging our feelings for each other, we can just fade away naturally, or morph into a true, platonic friendship. I'm not sure what to do. Having this person's love for me is so enriching and nourishing, as is returning that love to him and knowing I'm contributing positively to his life. Is it so wrong to have this source of intimacy and comfort? If we're so physically far from each other, and it just ends up being a lifelong friendship, would it be an emotional affair? I worry I will never feel this way about anyone again.

 

Turmoil.

 

You need tight boundaries that keep him far away and unable to contact you! You do this FOR YOURSELF. For your future.

 

Do not communicate with him. He knows as long as he keeps communicating with you - you don't have room for someone new.

 

You need to create that distance so that you have room to date an available man (men)! Start dating immediately - and make sure no more reconnecting with your past (this OM). He's a predator preying upon you. Stop allowing that!

 

 

Get busy having fun with a man who treats you like gold!

[Ruffian1]

You need to create that distance so that you have room to date an available man (men)! Start dating immediately - and make sure no more reconnecting with your past (this OM). He's a predator preying upon you. Stop allowing that!

 

 

Get busy having fun with a man who treats you like gold!

 

Umm, OP is also married and does not want to leave her H.

 

Kinda changes the perspective of it all.

[jah526]

I remember this feeling. I broke my own self-imposed NC several times, and each time it felt great... initially. I finally realized a few things:

 

- He's going to take me back every time, because he really doesn't care about my turmoil. It's just a chance for more NSA sex (or ego boosts) for him. Who wouldn't turn that down?

 

- Each time I go back, he's going to treat me worse than before. In the meantime, he has been looking for other sources of supply. One day you may return to find he already has another OW.

 

- This is an addiction, and as with all addictions it takes time, and a conscious decision not to act. The best (only?) method is to end it once and for all. Ghosting didn't work for me. I felt too bad about it. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't consider us to be friends. I asked him to delete my contact info and he complied.

 

- You don't have to be 100% sure about ending it. You know it's wrong, you know that eventually the cycle will repeat and you'll end up feeling horrible about it. You know that it's causing harm to others. But your mind and body are craving this drug, and that makes you rationalize. It's ok to want, it's ok to have these feelings, and you should let yourself feel them. But it's not ok to act. You have to go through the motions of not being involved with this guy until the addictive feelings pass.

 

It will get better. I'm 4 months out and I no longer feel any desire to contact this guy. More frequently these days I wonder what the hell I was ever thinking in getting involved with him. You'll be ok. Initially you'll feel like you can't live without him, but you can and you will.

[BigBlueSky]

I understand how you feel, knowing that you care about one another but also realizing the impossibility of it all, and that it is ultimately unhealthy.

 

In my own life, the thing that I'm realizing is that we're using each other as a crutch. I'm wanting to return to the place where I can stand on my own, and that means that I need to learn how to walk without him. I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.

 

You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?

[jah526]

I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.

 

This, exactly. I was noticing this pattern too, that whenever I was feeling low I'd contact him. There was nothing like the jolt I'd get when he'd catch my eye and, with a sly smile, wink at me behind someone's back. Turns out he wasn't the only one looking for a quick ego bump. I was too. But the effect over time was an overall decline in self-esteem. I'm trying to look for more constructive ways now to improve my self-esteem. It's harder work, but it's much healthier.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...

 

You need help. You can't go on like this....Sooner or later your husband will find out and you could lose everything that you know and love at home. Is this MM worth it? This addiction and ego feed? IS what you feel more important than what your husband and children feel? Are you ready to turn their innocent lives upside down forever because you have a lustful addictive crush on some guy who makes you feel good? Sorry that my words are harsh, trying to get you to really stop and think. You're stronger than you realize so don't let some pain and withdrawal of ending your A get in the way of fixing and affair proofing yourself and the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

This, exactly. I was noticing this pattern too, that whenever I was feeling low I'd contact him. There was nothing like the jolt I'd get when he'd catch my eye and, with a sly smile, wink at me behind someone's back. Turns out he wasn't the only one looking for a quick ego bump. I was too. But the effect over time was an overall decline in self-esteem. I'm trying to look for more constructive ways now to improve my self-esteem. It's harder work, but it's much healthier.

 

And the above is not love. Nor is it genuine care. It's good that you see you both are in the A for selfish and self serving reasons. It really has nothing to do with him, it's about how he makes you feel and vice versa.

 

Get counseling to work on yourself. No man should be your supply to either make or break your day. That's so unhealthy.

[S2B]

whichwayisup, I'm actually a MW myself, and my spouse and I are going through some tough times. He's seeking help and I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, but it's extremely taxing. I don't want my MM to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband, and actually don't want a conventional 'real future' with my AP. It's complicated. It's like we fulfill this need in each other that we aren't getting in our 'happy' marriages. We both have extremely full lives outside of this, and know we have no real future. Our age, our physical long distance, etc. Maybe it's the addiction; I'm sure that's part of it... addiction to affection, warmth, attention, support...

 

Work on the issues with your husband. Invest time and energy with him only.

 

When your marriage is your primary focus it will get better!

 

 

You seem to think the marriage should be good while you're investing your time and energy into this OM...it doesn't work that way! You have focused your energy in the wrong man.

 

Get back on track and start paying attention to your husband. This is on you and you can change this.

[wmacbride]

op,

men like your mm will do whatever they feel they can get away with. He's with you and he makes you feel like he loves you, then he goes home to his wife and does the same thing with her.

 

If I was a betting person, i'd willingly gamble on your A with him not being his first rodeo. You are just one of many, and when you are gone, he'll find someone else.While the old maxim of " once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always valid, their is a kernel of truth to it. Some people just are not cut out to be with only one person. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't hurt anyone else. Right now, he's hurting you and his wife and family, and you are helping him to do it, not to mention your own fmaily.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but because you do sound like a caring person, and I'm wondering if part of you knows this is wrong and it's just leading to more heartbreak for a whole lot of people. Is that a fair price for them to pay for you to have this "extra" in your life?

[Poppy47]

op,

men like your mm will do whatever they feel they can get away with. He's with you and he makes you feel like he loves you, then he goes home to his wife and does the same thing with her.

 

If I was a betting person, i'd willingly gamble on your A with him not being his first rodeo. You are just one of many, and when you are gone, he'll find someone else.While the old maxim of " once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always valid, their is a kernel of truth to it. Some people just are not cut out to be with only one person. There's nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't hurt anyone else. Right now, he's hurting you and his wife and family, and you are helping him to do it, not to mention your own fmaily.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean to you, but because you do sound like a caring person, and I'm wondering if part of you knows this is wrong and it's just leading to more heartbreak for a whole lot of people. Is that a fair price for them to pay for you to have this "extra" in your life?

 

I agree. if you read my earlier post, you will see that exMM was always full of kindness, flowers, cards and surprises. He told me he would give his wife movie tickets and pay for lunches to get her out of his way so he could be with me.

 

He played with my feelings for a long time and played on his wife's trust to get what he wanted.

 

It took me many years (too many) to understand his game. He loved one person and that was himself.

Poppy.

[Bittersweetie]

You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?

 

I agree. I was a WW. My H and I were going through a rough patch too, and I thought I could have xAP to fill in the gaps. But in reality it just muddied the waters. The A does impact all relationships, even if no one else knows.

 

So what kind of person do you want to be then OP? The kind of person who stands with their spouse and marriage when the tough times come? Who faces things head on? Or the kind of person who secretly escapes with another man? It's your choice.

 

As someone who has BTDT...the affection, warmth, etc...is not worth the pain. Especially the pain of a d-day.

 

GL.

[S2B]

I'm left wondering if her "feeling" would be remorse instead of grief - IF she'd been caught.

 

You have grief... that's all about you. That's what got you into this to begin with - thinking too much of how you feel.

 

Tell your H of your affair. That may instigate some changes.

 

 

You also say he has issues - YOU have issues too... or you wouldn't have cheated. Get help for YOUR own issues. Tell the truth to your H.

[ladydesigner]

Hm, not sure about this. I don't know how easy it would be. I doubt the majority of women would be interested.

 

How would they know? MM lie.

[jah526]

How would they know? MM lie.

 

Just going by my own experience I guess. I knew that he put a lot of time and effort into grooming me. It seemed to me he was fairly discriminating though, in that he was super paranoid about getting a disease, and I think he wanted to find someone he could trust.

 

I'm sure there are some out there who play the field, and mine, well, I guess he was always trolling for what he could get. But once he got a hook in, he reeled in veeery slowly.

 

Some may lie initially but eventually the OW is going to find out. It would take a pretty sly guy (and maybe an especially gullible woman) to pull off the single guy act in the long term. I believe most want to find someone with weak boundaries who can be cajoled into a taboo relationship. So much simpler not to have to lie.

[CindyC86]

I agree. I was a WW. My H and I were going through a rough patch too, and I thought I could have xAP to fill in the gaps. But in reality it just muddied the waters. The A does impact all relationships, even if no one else knows.

 

So what kind of person do you want to be then OP? The kind of person who stands with their spouse and marriage when the tough times come? Who faces things head on? Or the kind of person who secretly escapes with another man? It's your choice.

 

As someone who has BTDT...the affection, warmth, etc...is not worth the pain. Especially the pain of a d-day.

 

GL.

 

Thanks for this encouragement. I’m having a hard time not reaching out this evening, and your words are exactly what I need to hear. I know the A is just a temporary salve for larger issues, and truly, is no replacement for real connection despite the excitement of affection and warmth. It’s just hard swimming upstream some days. Thanks for your support.

[CindyC86]

I remember this feeling. I broke my own self-imposed NC several times, and each time it felt great... initially. I finally realized a few things:

 

- He's going to take me back every time, because he really doesn't care about my turmoil. It's just a chance for more NSA sex (or ego boosts) for him. Who wouldn't turn that down?

 

- Each time I go back, he's going to treat me worse than before. In the meantime, he has been looking for other sources of supply. One day you may return to find he already has another OW.

 

- This is an addiction, and as with all addictions it takes time, and a conscious decision not to act. The best (only?) method is to end it once and for all. Ghosting didn't work for me. I felt too bad about it. I finally told him that I was done and that I didn't consider us to be friends. I asked him to delete my contact info and he complied.

 

- You don't have to be 100% sure about ending it. You know it's wrong, you know that eventually the cycle will repeat and you'll end up feeling horrible about it. You know that it's causing harm to others. But your mind and body are craving this drug, and that makes you rationalize. It's ok to want, it's ok to have these feelings, and you should let yourself feel them. But it's not ok to act. You have to go through the motions of not being involved with this guy until the addictive feelings pass.

 

It will get better. I'm 4 months out and I no longer feel any desire to contact this guy. More frequently these days I wonder what the hell I was ever thinking in getting involved with him. You'll be ok. Initially you'll feel like you can't live without him, but you can and you will.

 

I think you’re totally right, and I’m just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. It’s hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM don’t really love us either, or see us that way. It’s like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

 

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I don’t even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? That’s what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

 

(Is it?)

 

Sigh