Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief

[CindyC86]

Of course the expected backlash here ensues.

 

We don't have to all agree on this forum.

 

Even the act of getting 'divorced' goes against the prior concept of the marriage covenant. Again, monogamy used to mean just one mate for the rest of your life, regardless of if you loved them or got along well with them etc. Now it just means one partner at a time. I can't agree with the people suggesting divorce on this forum because that in itself is a new deal type of monogamy and lease on marriage. It's incredulous to think it's more ethical and moral to get divorced instead of to work through issues when you are still committed to and choose your marriage partner.

 

Despite what many of you will think here, I adore my husband and we are bonded in away that transcends active romantic love (though it also includes and was born of that) to a much deeper companionship role. It's a very complex issue, and sure, I will be blamed here for seeking other avenues for my own 'benefit', but as IC has helped me understand, I have issues and needs of my own that weren't being fulfilled. When someone is weak and desperate enough to be vulnerable to an affair, there are often other issues at play.

[Bittersweetie]

I know it seems like backlash, asking you to think about your husband and marriage and that.

 

Well for us MW it's par for the course. Yeah, I didn't want to think too hard about my husband and my marriage during and after the affair...I thought it was fine. I thought we had a good marriage. But I should have. And I did a lot after d-day. I thought about myself, my H, even my AP. I had to take a look at all angles to see the full consequences of my actions. It's part of the healing and change if one wants to heal and change.

 

I hope you are working on addressing the issues that made you weak and desperate so that moving forward you can make healthier choices for everyone involved. Good luck.

[elaine567]

Okay Cindy...you have wanted an open marriage for a while. Your husband knows this but does not want an open marriage.

 

Any fully committed husband or wife who has heard their spouse utter the words "I want to open up this marriage, do you agree?", is going to be hurt, devastated and I guess they will never really feel the same about their spouse again and may even struggle to maintain mental stability. Yes, they may just say "No way" and carry on, but the fact the question was even asked is going to always be a source of worry and upset to anyone who went into marriage with a monogamous mindset and who takes their vows seriously.

 

Seems the OP is treating that question in the same way one might ask " Do you want scrambled eggs for breakfast?"

[BigBlueSky]

Despite what many of you will think here, I adore my husband and we are bonded in away that transcends active romantic love (though it also includes and was born of that) to a much deeper companionship role. It's a very complex issue, and sure, I will be blamed here for seeking other avenues for my own 'benefit', but as IC has helped me understand, I have issues and needs of my own that weren't being fulfilled. When someone is weak and desperate enough to be vulnerable to an affair, there are often other issues at play.

 

Hi Cindy, I can relate to what you're saying here. There is so much that we don't know about you and your situation and it's hard to fully explain it all on a forum like this. I don't think that a lot of us here seek out affairs. I know I didn't, and it ended up being a crutch for my own issues (a terrible one at that). And now I'm left with dealing with my issues that are still there, and facing the awful choices I have made on top of that. Anyway, to me, it seems like you're starting to face yourself, your weaknesses and the decisions that you've made and that is a step in the right direction.

[Poppy47]

I agree with DKT3.

All this high minded "I choose my husband, I choose my marriage..." has now disintegrated into a diatribe against monogamy?????

 

It is all simply justification for cheating on your husband.

Of course Dday is not on the cards, of course he doesn't need to know, of course he would be very hurt, of course "I will spare him the pain..."

How magnanimous of you...

 

ALL designed to keep the affair under wraps and to keep cake eating with no consequences.

 

I believe some people are at their core monogamous and do not/will not/cannot comprehend cheating/open marriages or any other practices where more than one lover is involved, whilst others are not monogamous and never really will be completely, so cheating is always an option for them.

 

You, I guess are of the latter variety and you really have no business deceiving your husband into thinking all is hunky dory in his world.

Go find a man whose beliefs match your own, set up an open marriage, see and sleep with as many men as you want, but leave your husband to go find a truly loyal woman.

 

(ATM I guess you are now just free wheeling until February, when you will see the OM again...)

 

I feel there is no greater betrayal than denying somebody knowledge of their own life....it is a betrayal of trust and love.

 

Poppy.

[stillafool]

I agree with DKT3.

All this high minded "I choose my husband, I choose my marriage..." has now disintegrated into a diatribe against monogamy?????

 

It is all simply justification for cheating on your husband.

Of course Dday is not on the cards, of course he doesn't need to know, of course he would be very hurt, of course "I will spare him the pain..."

How magnanimous of you...

 

ALL designed to keep the affair under wraps and to keep cake eating with no consequences.

 

I believe some people are at their core monogamous and do not/will not/cannot comprehend cheating/open marriages or any other practices where more than one lover is involved, whilst others are not monogamous and never really will be completely, so cheating is always an option for them.

 

You, I guess are of the latter variety and you really have no business deceiving your husband into thinking all is hunky dory in his world.

Go find a man whose beliefs match your own, set up an open marriage, see and sleep with as many men as you want, but leave your husband to go find a truly loyal woman.

 

(ATM I guess you are now just free wheeling until February, when you will see the OM again...)

 

I also agree with the above. OP, if you want to continue to have sex with different men then do it just be honest with your husband about it. He deserves to know if for no other reason than you putting his health at risk. He may decide he doesn't want you anymore which he is entitled to. You are being selfish by not telling him that you put his health at risk. If you don't want to tell him then divorce him and marry a man who also wants more than once sex partner in marriage or remain single and have all the sex you want with whomever comes along.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Wow, and OP actually brought the word "covenant" into play here...very telling.

 

 

 

>>One man, one woman in holy union in the hope, faith and charity of becoming whole as one.

 

"Not really 2 with side beni's and financial leching..."

 

You are broken inside. Tell your BH so he can be free to make his own choices here....