Fiance and female ex lover friend

[rainy daze]

Hi Everyone!

Me (f 35) him( m45)

Currently in a long distance relationship with fiance- Im finishing my degree and moving there in just over a year.

We have a really great relationship for the most part.

We have an issue though ( of course! Ha)

He has a female friend that he used to have sex with a long time ago ( 20 years about)

He actually used to cheat on his girlfriend at the time with this women ( 20 years ago though)

 

They lost touch and she reappeared after about an 18 absence and looked him up randomly and now they are friends ( yay....)

 

I didn't like it at all ( she's a good looking woman and seems pretty cool)

Despite my not liking it, I didn't interfere because I don't like telling people what to do and I don't like being told what to do either- I am also friends with an ex of mine ( though he lives in another continent and will never be around- this woman friend of his is in the same city)

He tells me they talk not very often- around every 3 months or so.

My fiance kept telling me that her and I were really alike and he thought we would be great friends

 

We just kinda stopped talking about her for whatever reason for about 7 months.

Then about 3 weeks ago I was on FB and thought to myself " ya know, why not give it a try- she might end up being a great friend of mine and she does seem cool" so I added her on FB, then sent fiance a quick message saying that I had added her.

Long story short- he called her in a panic to tell her I was adding her on FB- why in a panic you might ask?!

Because she had no idea who I was or that he was in a relationship.

Yup.

I was shocked- I expected her response to be like " oh hey! I've heard so much about you! Nice to meet you finally!"

Didn't go down like that- I played it cool with her, she had no idea there was anything wrong or off about this whole scenario.

But all hell broke loose when I talked to him.

He of course was defensive, trying to deflect, turn it around to be about me, I was so mad I almost ended it- mostly because he was gaslighting me on top of the fact that she had no idea who I am.

And he's not a private person- so it's not like that's just his personality- he tells EVERYONE about me and brags about my artwork anytime he gets the chance.

 

So- it turns out that there isn't anything romantic going on with them ( yet) they don't hang out in person, but they intended to catch up as friends over coffee or something.

After talking with him about it I decided to trust him and just let it go.

 

BUT- ffwd a month I am now furious again ( thinking about it late at night) I don't want them to be friends, I don't want him to see her and I want her gone.

I am willing to end my friendship with my ex as well because it's not fair that I want him to get rid of his friend- though my ex knows about my current relationship and me and my ex weren't cheating on our partners with eachother in the past.

Fiance says he'll end friendship with her though he's kinda sulky and seems a bit mad.

 

So, internet friends, do think I overreacted?- how would you feel?

I didn't give him an ultimatum, I told him how uncomfortable I was; though to be honest if he didn't decide to end the friendship by his own choice, I was going to give an ultimatum- I wasn't going to say " end your friendship " but ultimately I was going to say " if you want to be married to me- I won't tolerate her in our lives" ( which is pretty much the same thing haha)

^^ and I meant that- I was going to walk if he refused.

I was cool as I could possibly be with their friendship, and I was willing to try to be friends with her too until I found out she didn't know I existed or that he was in a relationship.

We have been together almost 2 years so it's not like it's new!!!!!!

To be honest- if she was just a friend and they had no sexual history, let alone a history of cheating on his girlfriend with her ( though a long time ago) I never would have put him in the position to choose- I wouldn't have felt I had thr right- but this situation is just too much and I feel like tolerating their friendship would be lowering my self worth as a women.

Edited October 9, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poutrew]

Do you realize what a crimp you put in your bf's plans for world domination when you friended his ex? The only reason he didn't tell her anything about you is because he wanted to perform a temporal vaginal analysis - he wanted to see how her vee-jay-jay was working after all those years, and he knew the woman wouldn't let him near her since he had a gf. The old gf actually sounds like a pretty stand up individual with a working moral compass, unlike your boyfriend who wanted to eventually work her into his busy schedule as a mistress. You need to dump Mr. right, because that is exactly what he isn't... be glad you found out about this now rather than after you married him.

[rainy daze]

Do you realize what a crimp you put in your bf's plans for world domination when you friended his ex? The only reason he didn't tell her anything about you is because he wanted to perform a temporal vaginal analysis - he wanted to see how her vee-jay-jay was working after all those years, and he knew the woman wouldn't let him near her since he had a gf. The old gf actually sounds like a pretty stand up individual with a working moral compass, unlike your boyfriend who wanted to eventually work her into his busy schedule as a mistress. You need to dump Mr. right, because that is exactly what he isn't... be glad you found out about this now rather than after you married him.

 

Yes yes- this is what I said to him as well

[road]

Do you realize what a crimp you put in your bf's plans for world domination when you friended his ex? The only reason he didn't tell her anything about you is because he wanted to perform a temporal vaginal analysis - he wanted to see how her vee-jay-jay was working after all those years, and he knew the woman wouldn't let him near her since he had a gf. The old gf actually sounds like a pretty stand up individual with a working moral compass, unlike your boyfriend who wanted to eventually work her into his busy schedule as a mistress. You need to dump Mr. right, because that is exactly what he isn't... be glad you found out about this now rather than after you married him.

 

Actually this OW does not have a moral compass.

She was the OP's BF's OW.

This BF was and still is a cheater.

Dump him.

[elaine567]

It is not your ex or this friend of your bfs that needs to be gone, it is your lying cheating fiancé that needs to be gone.

 

If this woman is in his city and she is his ex OW, then of course they are meeting up and probably having sex too. She will be very adept at covering his @ss, so do not believe a word she says either.

 

Dump the cheating old geezer and find a proper man closer to home.

[rainy daze]

Actually this OW does not have a moral compass.

She was the OP's BF's OW.

This BF was and still is a cheater.

Dump him.

 

That's what I was thinking- how is the OW the one with the moral compass- she was his whore in the past!?

It's dodge city for sure

[rainy daze]

It is not your ex or this friend of your bfs that needs to be gone, it is your lying cheating fiancé that needs to be gone.

 

If this woman is in his city and she is his ex OW, then of course they are meeting up and probably having sex too. She will be very adept at covering his @ss, so do not believe a word she says either.

 

Dump the cheating old geezer and find a proper man closer to home.

 

Haha- thanks and good advice- I was wondering if she would cover for him too.

[newmoon]

so he kept you a secret from her... don't be naive... he had plans that you foiled. he wants his cake and then some. let him have her and be gone.

[rainy daze]

so he kept you a secret from her... don't be naive... he had plans that you foiled. he wants his cake and then some. let him have her and be gone.

 

That's what I've been thinking

[newmoon]

That's what I've been thinking

you're obviously smart and the fact that you're bothered and asking people shows you know this is a red flag. it's the kind of thing that if you forgive and move on... will it happen again? will you always worry if he's doing something on the side? i think you should be happy to have discovered this before marrying him.

[rainy daze]

you're obviously smart and the fact that you're bothered and asking people shows you know this is a red flag. it's the kind of thing that if you forgive and move on... will it happen again? will you always worry if he's doing something on the side? i think you should be happy to have discovered this before marrying him.

 

I agree- what you're saying is exactly what I tell my friends when they encounter a situation like this- it's tougher to be on the receiving end!!

[sandylee1]

Why waste your time with him? He's not trustworthy. He's linked up with his former OW, and went mad when you friended her.

 

Get rid of him. He's not worry it.

[rainy daze]

Why waste your time with him? He's not trustworthy. He's linked up with his former OW, and went mad when you friended her.

 

Get rid of him. He's not worry it.

 

I know in my brain this is true!! I really do!!!

Ugh- dammit.

I've worked myself into a frenzy and sent a crazy text haha

I've been trying to be a 'reasonable ' person and I just lost it- whoopsie!

Nothing can ruin a perfectly good day like goddamn man can.

[rainy daze]

I'm not going to talk to him right now- I'm so mad and I think it's better if I just go to work, workout, study and do other things than deal with him right now.

I'm so mad and it's ruining my day

[elaine567]

I know it is easy for us to sit here and suggest you leave but it is not easy when you are face to face with the guy that you no doubt "love".

BUT this board has had too many on it who say "He cheated when we were dating/engaged but I forgave him because I loved him sooo much" to later find that a marriage and 1-2kids later he is up to his old tricks again and it is then so difficult to just leave.

Life with a cheating man is no fun, as many on here can vouch for.

 

YOU are young, free and single, you don't HAVE to stay because of kids and houses.

Also a guy at 45 may not actually want marriage and kids, so this "affair" may be his "rebellion"...

Do not underestimate the power of the OW either. Unrequited love can be very strong and if they are picking up where they left off and both are now essentially "single" then you may have serious competition here.

Some OWs will hang around long after their "MM" gets married to someone else too, so you may find you are going to be in an eternal triangle...

Think very carefully.

[BikerAccnt]

[quote=rainy daze;7434401

Nothing can ruin a perfectly good day like goddamn man can.

 

 

It takes us years of practice to get this good at it!

[rainy daze]

I know it is easy for us to sit here and suggest you leave but it is not easy when you are face to face with the guy that you no doubt "love".

BUT this board has had too many on it who say "He cheated when we were dating/engaged but I forgave him because I loved him sooo much" to later find that a marriage and 1-2kids later he is up to his old tricks again and it is then so difficult to just leave.

Life with a cheating man is no fun, as many on here can vouch for.

 

YOU are young, free and single, you don't HAVE to stay because of kids and houses.

Also a guy at 45 may not actually want marriage and kids, so this "affair" may be his "rebellion"...

Do not underestimate the power of the OW either. Unrequited love can be very strong and if they are picking up where they left off and both are now essentially "single" then you may have serious competition here.

Some OWs will hang around long after their "MM" gets married to someone else too, so you may find you are going to be in an eternal triangle...

Think very carefully.

 

Yes- that's also what I was thinking- she thought he was single!!!!!

She shows up out of nowhere and wants to reconnect with him- why?! She must have feelings for him of some sort.

 

That's the thing that's bugging me so much- it's usually me giving out the advice that I'm getting here, and now I'm the one sitting here trying to rationalize it away like an idiot- I seriously get soooo frustrated with my friends when they won't pay attention to signs like this.

Honestly I think I'm more angry at myself than him or her!

 

I don't want kids and marriage isn't a huge deal for me- I wanted to spend my life with him and I thought he wanted the same- I am ok with just being partners without the legal documents- it's him who really wants to get married and because of immigration issues ( different countries) we'd have to get married in order for me to move there.

I travel a lot and am thinking of going for a ph.d- so kids aren't really going to work for me.

Plus I don't like noise or messes

 

Thank you for your reply and I am thinking carefully whereas before this I trusted him.

It was kinda a slap in the face and so disrespectful

Edited October 9, 2017 by rainy daze

[Trip2TheSky]

I agree with everyone else, simply because he omitted that he was taken in the first place to this women.

 

My Husband is 28 years older than me and has been a stockbroker/advisor for decades now.

 

He has many women that he conducts business with, but I trust him.

 

This is entirely different.

 

Dump him and save yourself the embarassment of walking in on these two one day.

 

You are worth so much more than this.

 

I learned this recently: Men and women can not be platonic friends, but certain jobs make it allowable.

 

I had to kick all my male friends to the curb, as it should be and I couldn't be any happier in my decision doing so.

[rainy daze]

I agree with everyone else, simply because he omitted that he was taken in the first place to this women.

 

My Husband is 28 years older than me and has been a stockbroker/advisor for decades now.

 

He has many women that he conducts business with, but I trust him.

 

This is entirely different.

 

Dump him and save yourself the embarassment of walking in on these two one day.

 

You are worth so much more than this.

 

I learned this recently: Men and women can not be platonic friends, but certain jobs make it allowable.

 

I had to kick all my male friends to the curb, as it should be and I couldn't be any happier in my decision doing so.

 

Thanks!

This is a great post and I have also slowly come to the realization that men and women can't be platonic friends ( there are some exceptions of course- but I think it's rare)

Work situations are different- it's the way society is set up so we just have to roll with it.

I was thinking to myself that even though he tells me that he won't have any contact with her ever again- I suspect that one day I will find out that he has.

He fought pretty hard to keep her in his life too- which was interesting.

[Whoknew30]

That's what I was thinking- how is the OW the one with the moral compass- she was his whore in the past!?

It's dodge city for sure

 

She is not the reason to be insecure, your fiancé is...what happened in the past isn't any of your business but what is, is your fiancé is a liar. He's not just a liar he's a blatant liar that was already setting a himself up the perfect situation.

 

I grew up in a family of heating men...just going by this story, I'd put my money on he's been cheating on you the whole time. It's just too much of a "in your face lie" & now you're insecure & women that are insecure turn desperate. Which by the "whore" comment you're already there. He'll sense this & it only works in his favor. This is a perfect scenario for a cheater bc he'll see, you'll blame others for his behavior & he got away with it without consequence...plus he told you he cheated in the past. He's good, he tells you just enough truth to not seem like a liar & it almost seems like so much honesty, why wouldn't you believe him? Right? This is common behavior of a serial cheater. My advice is run, he isn't going to change. Good luck

[rainy daze]

She is not the reason to be insecure, your fiancé is...what happened in the past isn't any of your business but what is, is your fiancé is a liar. He's not just a liar he's a blatant liar that was already setting a himself up the perfect situation.

 

I grew up in a family of heating men...just going by this story, I'd put my money on he's been cheating on you the whole time. It's just too much of a "in your face lie" & now you're insecure & women that are insecure turn desperate. Which by the "whore" comment you're already there. He'll sense this & it only works in his favor. This is a perfect scenario for a cheater bc he'll see, you'll blame others for his behavior & he got away with it without consequence...plus he told you he cheated in the past. He's good, he tells you just enough truth to not seem like a liar & it almost seems like so much honesty, why wouldn't you believe him? Right? This is common behavior of a serial cheater. My advice is run, he isn't going to change. Good luck

 

Truth-

I also considered this- that he told me that her and I would make really good friends, not thinking that I would actually try to be her friend...

He thought he was covering it up by having her out in the open ya know?! So I wouldn't be suspicious.

Clever.

He must have been horrified when I added her on fb!!! haha

 

Also- when I called her a whore- it was literal and a derogatory statement.

She was an escort- so she was a prostitute as well as his little side thing.

I honestly don't care if a woman wants to be an escort- but I was mad when I said that.

That was 20 years ago and I shouldn't hold that against her still-

But hell hath no fury......

Edited October 10, 2017 by rainy daze

[road]

But hell hath no fury......

 

 

You still angry at him?

 

He's not worth that much effort.

 

Did you dump him yet?

 

Get 'er done.

[pheonixrisen]

Your fiance is okay with cheating

 

She is okay with having affair with a man who is already committed elsewhere .

 

You did the right thing.they cannot be friends and your fiance keeping you a secret from her has his own agenda here.

[viatori patuit]

The circumstances around exes are irrelevant.

 

I have a standing rule - no contact with exes for either of us. I never want to have the stress.

 

Want to be friends with your exes? Cool. We won’t date. Maybe we can be friends. Until I meet someone else. Then I cut it off.

 

Platonic friends? That happens a lot I think. My current so is from Canada. It seems platonic friends are way more common there. I met several of her close friends who were guys and they were fine. I have no problem trusting that.

 

 

Good luck either way.