Day 17 of No Contact

[cocoa342]

I have made it to day 17 of no contact and was hoping it would start to ease at this point in time but it's getting much worse.

I am missing him more than ever (despite his bad treatment of me) and i am crying a lot and having to force myself to go out and do my everyday activities. It doesn't help much that I am behind with my studies and having to sit exams in less than a month!

I am totally falling apart and getting weak. I wont contact him but the desire to do so - wow - very intense!

[BC1980]

It usually gets better before it gets worse. In the beginning, it's all fresh, and you haven't really settled in it. You probably still suffer from some denial. As time goes on, it gets more real, and you actually have to start facing life without your ex. This is where you really need to be strong and stay the course. You need to actively move on, which means you need to start getting involved in new activities, ect.

[Beachead]

It usually gets better before it gets worse. In the beginning, it's all fresh, and you haven't really settled in it. You probably still suffer from some denial. As time goes on, it gets more real, and you actually have to start facing life without your ex. This is where you really need to be strong and stay the course. You need to actively move on, which means you need to start getting involved in new activities, ect.

 

I couldn't have said it better. Only thing I can add is know that this is completely normal to feel. Let yourself feel the pain. Don't run from it, don't bury it, let it be because you will be processing it a little each and everyday. Over time, you'll start to notice you're feeling a little better.

 

It'll be okay. Stay strong.

[cocoa342]

I didn't think it was going to be this hard. I am crying very often and hurting and missing him so much.

I went the Doctor and he gave me valium to help calm me down - I don't find it's really working.

I am in the middle of graduating from study. I have 6 weeks to go to final exams and I am a mess. I don't know how I am going to pass. I am studying but not recalling anything I read. Life is a disaster right now.

I am maintaining no contact but omg it's damn hard.

I miss the 5 years we had together when it was all good and before he turned out to be who he is today.

I can't stop thinking about the wedding that was meant to take place in the new year. It's all so painful.

[A_New_Earth]

Hey - I know it's not easy but you have to find a way to place this to 'one side' and dive into your studies.

 

You were together for quite some time and he's not going to 'disappear'. So he will still be alive and kicking once your studies are done.

 

You can either keep up with the no contact or contact him and enter the 'fun house' of over analysis that will 100% mess up your studies.

 

Focus on your work and then, if needs be, reassess things when it's all done. If you're really struggling then write out a letter of all the things you'd like to say (but don't send it). Then crack on with your work.

 

Good luck. You seem like a great girl. Don't gamble your future on someone who hasn't even done well in 'the present'.

[cocoa342]

Thank you A New Earth for your helpful and positive words of encouragement. You put a smile on my face.

I want to break no contact but I won't allow myself to do it as I know he's either going to ignore me or start abusing me. No good can come from contacting him but it doesn't make it any easier.

[cocoa342]

Day 20 today.

I know no contact is supposed to be about healing and all about me but I can't help but wonder how he's feeling and is he missing me. Although in my heart I know he's not as he's living it up and having the time of his life.

[Beachead]

Hey - I know it's not easy but you have to find a way to place this to 'one side' and dive into your studies.

 

You were together for quite some time and he's not going to 'disappear'. So he will still be alive and kicking once your studies are done.

 

You can either keep up with the no contact or contact him and enter the 'fun house' of over analysis that will 100% mess up your studies.

 

Focus on your work and then, if needs be, reassess things when it's all done. If you're really struggling then write out a letter of all the things you'd like to say (but don't send it). Then crack on with your work.

 

Good luck. You seem like a great girl. Don't gamble your future on someone who hasn't even done well in 'the present'.

 

Very good advice. Writing out a letter of all the things you want to say and not sending it is something I've done. It helps.

[cocoa342]

I'm struggling to not contact him. The last 12 hours has been the worst. I keep thinking to contact but I know no good will come out of it. So I'm doing my best to distract myself.

I went to work, did some study, went to visit a friend, had coffee with her and a walk on the beach and the intensity to contact is still there, damn it.

[A_New_Earth]

Have you looked into aversion therapy/negative reinforcement? You can do it yourself. Write down all things he did wrong/annoyed/hurt you. That feeling of wanting to contact will gradually turn into you wanting to throttle him. Haha.

 

It's all well and good counting the days...but without 'action' day 400 will be as bad as day one. People say 'time heals all wounds'...but in reality it's what we do with that 'time' that heals the wounds. Think of a guy who just lost his girlfriend in a car accident. He's in a coma for ten years. If time heals...then when he wakes, he should be relatively 'healed' from the loss of his girlfriend. But in reality, that ten years meant nothing to him and it would be as if it happened yesterday.

 

You need to make progress in re-framing the reality of who is he is (rather than the illusion of who you want him to be and/or who he pretended to be).

 

Get that pen and paper out...

 

I'm struggling to not contact him. The last 12 hours has been the worst. I keep thinking to contact but I know no good will come out of it. So I'm doing my best to distract myself.

I went to work, did some study, went to visit a friend, had coffee with her and a walk on the beach and the intensity to contact is still there, damn it.

[A_New_Earth]

Another good tip is the 'BUT' technique. Write down ten sentences. Start each sentence with what happened and add on a 'but'...

 

Example...

 

He left me high and dry BUT he said he loved me.

 

He cheated/lied BUT we had so many good years together.

 

He dumped me BUT that time at 'X' was so lovely...

 

 

Once you have your ten sentences...get that pen out and CROSS OUT everything after from the word BUT.

 

As much as it hurts, the list that's left is the reality.

 

He left me high and dry.

 

He cheated/lied.

 

He dumped me etc.

 

In a few months you can look back and re-frame the relationship as an experience of growth. But there is no time for that when you're struggling.

 

Get tough.

 

Best wishes :-) x

[cocoa342]

Thank you so much A New Earth.

I'm going to look into this deeper and try it.

Day 22 and I'm almost about to break no contact.

[Beachead]

Nice tip New Earth. This is the first time I've heard of a technique like that. I'm going to add it to my journaling.

[cocoa342]

I have reached day 35 no contact today and to be honest I don't even know why I went no contact for.

I have read so much about no contact being for healing, well let me tell you I have not healed. It has not gotten easier. I am in deep emotional pain. I have fallen into deep depression. I am seeing a therapist daily now and I have spent over $10k in therapy alone this past month and I am no further on my healing journey at all.

It has been a waste of time with nothing to show for it. I feel worse at day 35 than I did at day 1.

My personal experience with no contact has been negative. I wouldn't do it again. It achieves nothing.

[HumanMachine]

I have reached day 35 no contact today and to be honest I don't even know why I went no contact for.

I have read so much about no contact being for healing, well let me tell you I have not healed. It has not gotten easier. I am in deep emotional pain. I have fallen into deep depression. I am seeing a therapist daily now and I have spent over $10k in therapy alone this past month and I am no further on my healing journey at all.

It has been a waste of time with nothing to show for it. I feel worse at day 35 than I did at day 1.

My personal experience with no contact has been negative. I wouldn't do it again. It achieves nothing.

 

Day 35 lol. Took me a year to truly get over my ex girlfriend. You may not think you’ve made progress but you definitely have.

 

You’re at the beginning, it’s going to get worse.. but it will get better.

[trustyourself]

I have reached day 35 no contact

It has been a waste of time with nothing to show for it. I feel worse at day 35 than I did at day 1.

My personal experience with no contact has been negative. I wouldn't do it again. It achieves nothing.

 

I am on around 100 days (I dont count anymore, as I dont think it is productive)

 

Yes it is a miserable experience, especially if you allow yourself to wallow in the pain.

 

Can I ask what you are doing to distract yourself? Friends? Hobbies? Going to the gym? Distraction is very helpful.

 

I still miss my ex like crazy. Some days are good, some days are like I am back to square one. The best thing you can do is when you are feeling miserable, and want to reach out, is remember that they chose not to be with you.

 

I tried low contact with my ex. It was even harder. The wounds never heal, and you are stuck in limbo. Yes it hurts now, but if you pick yourself up and move on with your day to day and try and enjoy company with your friends and new experiences, you do start to let go of the misery and pain.

 

I was a wreck for about 2 months. Now I am starting to reach acceptance. You can too. But you have to want to.

 

Good luck.

[Highndry]

What choice do you really have though? When a relationship is over, you have to move on. There's nothing else left to do.

[JimmyNYC]

Hi Cocoa,

 

I've been reading your post and the responses and just wanted to send my support to you. Thank God for this site! Take comfort in knowing that at least we are not ALONE with our misery.

 

I'm going through the same pain (see my post titled "Did I do the right thing breaking up with her?"). I broke up with my GF, she didn't break up with me.

But I'm still in absolute misery and pain.

 

 

I'm probably on about day 14 but am not counting. I have some good hours and a lot of bad hours. I can function, thank God. I have been helped by a lot of coping strategies mentioned here, like making lists of what didn't work in the relationship, talking to friends, talking to a therapist, keeping busy etc. These help, but don't cure, of course. As I review my lists I am reminded that all I know for sure is that I was not getting what I needed in the relationship. And that was not ever going to change. All healthly relationships have to be based on TRUST and healthy communication. If you don't have those you have nothing. I had neither. I cannot function like that. Her neglect of me (whatever the reason; anxious avoidant trap, lack of emotional intelligence, just wasn't that into me. not sure of the reason) was hurtful. I just couldn't live like that anymore.

 

 

In the end, I think "highndry" really sums it up:

 

"What choice do you really have though? When a relationship is over, you have to move on. There's nothing else left to do."

 

We have no choice. If we go back the pattern will repeat all over again. We can only move on. Winston Churchill said "If you are going through HELL, keep going!".

 

I know I can't go back to her even though I feel like contacting her everyday. I KNOW it will just be the same misery all over again.

 

This article was helpful for me.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

[Beachead]

I have reached day 35 no contact today and to be honest I don't even know why I went no contact for.

I have read so much about no contact being for healing, well let me tell you I have not healed. It has not gotten easier. I am in deep emotional pain. I have fallen into deep depression. I am seeing a therapist daily now and I have spent over $10k in therapy alone this past month and I am no further on my healing journey at all.

It has been a waste of time with nothing to show for it. I feel worse at day 35 than I did at day 1.

My personal experience with no contact has been negative. I wouldn't do it again. It achieves nothing.

 

You got your heart broken OP. This isn't going to be a fast heal. 35 days is relatively short in the grand scheme of things. It takes several months just to let go of the hope alone. At this stage, the reality of the breakup and all ensuing doubts, fears, regrets will surface and punish you. You need to take it day by day. Hour by hour if you need to. Set small, simple, maneagable goals, have a plan for your life. Spend time amongst healthy company. Treat yourself. You know what I mean? This isn't going to cure you but it'll ease the suffering. As stagnant and hopeless as you feel right now because of overwhelming pain, you are healing because you are facing the reality and processing it little by little each day. In one year, you'll see a significant improvement.

 

Be patient.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Beachead

[cocoa342]

Day 35 lol. Took me a year to truly get over my ex girlfriend. You may not think you’ve made progress but you definitely have.

 

You’re at the beginning, it’s going to get worse.. but it will get better.

Thanks for sharing this with me, I guess I am disappointed as i didnt think at this time i would still have the feelings for him that i still do. I hate that i still love him.

[cocoa342]

I am on around 100 days (I dont count anymore, as I dont think it is productive)

 

Yes it is a miserable experience, especially if you allow yourself to wallow in the pain.

 

Can I ask what you are doing to distract yourself? Friends? Hobbies? Going to the gym? Distraction is very helpful.

 

I still miss my ex like crazy. Some days are good, some days are like I am back to square one. The best thing you can do is when you are feeling miserable, and want to reach out, is remember that they chose not to be with you.

 

I tried low contact with my ex. It was even harder. The wounds never heal, and you are stuck in limbo. Yes it hurts now, but if you pick yourself up and move on with your day to day and try and enjoy company with your friends and new experiences, you do start to let go of the misery and pain.

 

I was a wreck for about 2 months. Now I am starting to reach acceptance. You can too. But you have to want to.

 

Good luck.

 

Well done on reaching 100 days of no contact. That's a massive achievement to be proud of.

I am forcing myself to go out with friends, i have recently taken up yoga, kayaking and bush walking - have joined a few groups to participate these activities.

I am studying 2 courses and working full time as well as spending time with friends. My life is full but i am so lonely, depressed and hurt without him.

[cocoa342]

What choice do you really have though? When a relationship is over, you have to move on. There's nothing else left to do.

 

The only other thing i can do other than accepting it is to contact him and see if he wants to work on things.

[cocoa342]

Hi Cocoa,

 

I've been reading your post and the responses and just wanted to send my support to you. Thank God for this site! Take comfort in knowing that at least we are not ALONE with our misery.

 

I'm going through the same pain (see my post titled "Did I do the right thing breaking up with her?"). I broke up with my GF, she didn't break up with me.

But I'm still in absolute misery and pain.

 

 

I'm probably on about day 14 but am not counting. I have some good hours and a lot of bad hours. I can function, thank God. I have been helped by a lot of coping strategies mentioned here, like making lists of what didn't work in the relationship, talking to friends, talking to a therapist, keeping busy etc. These help, but don't cure, of course. As I review my lists I am reminded that all I know for sure is that I was not getting what I needed in the relationship. And that was not ever going to change. All healthly relationships have to be based on TRUST and healthy communication. If you don't have those you have nothing. I had neither. I cannot function like that. Her neglect of me (whatever the reason; anxious avoidant trap, lack of emotional intelligence, just wasn't that into me. not sure of the reason) was hurtful. I just couldn't live like that anymore.

 

 

In the end, I think "highndry" really sums it up:

 

"What choice do you really have though? When a relationship is over, you have to move on. There's nothing else left to do."

 

We have no choice. If we go back the pattern will repeat all over again. We can only move on. Winston Churchill said "If you are going through HELL, keep going!".

 

I know I can't go back to her even though I feel like contacting her everyday. I KNOW it will just be the same misery all over again.

 

This article was helpful for me.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup

 

Thank you so much for popping in my thread and commenting. It's great to get a perspective from the other side.

I am sorry to hear about your break up and I will go check out your thread in just a moment.

Big hugs to you for what you're going through.

Thanks also for the article, i will read that too.

I dont think my ex is feeling any remorse, he dropped me as i discovered he had double standards and had been lying to me :-(

[cocoa342]

You got your heart broken OP. This isn't going to be a fast heal. 35 days is relatively short in the grand scheme of things. It takes several months just to let go of the hope alone. At this stage, the reality of the breakup and all ensuing doubts, fears, regrets will surface and punish you. You need to take it day by day. Hour by hour if you need to. Set small, simple, maneagable goals, have a plan for your life. Spend time amongst healthy company. Treat yourself. You know what I mean? This isn't going to cure you but it'll ease the suffering. As stagnant and hopeless as you feel right now because of overwhelming pain, you are healing because you are facing the reality and processing it little by little each day. In one year, you'll see a significant improvement.

 

Be patient.

 

Thank you for this very thoughtful and helpful reply.

Bless you.